Family and friends back off after putting mom in the nursing home. How do you deal with it all?

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Family and friends back off after putting mom in the nursing home. How do you deal with it all?

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I don't know where to begin. You'd think that I'd be happy, but no, I'm at a loss for words.... I came to the conclusion that mom needs to stay in the nursing home. Well, people in the family, family friends, people I've known my whole life, telling me that if you ever needed anything to give them a call. Well after mom went back into the nursing home, I started to reach out to people in the family, family friends. At first they sounded concerned but after the first phone call, slowly, they all backed away from me . The very people telling me and mom, " if you ever need anything, to give us a call." Like really?

Seems like the only people that seem concerned about mom and me, are at the nursing home. Told high school friends, well now that everything is getting finalized, they're looking at me going, "why are you so upset, your mom gets the care she needs, you get what you want." Like really??? I took care of mom for 7-10 years, lived with her my whole life, that's all I know, is me and mom. I know it sounds pathetic, but its just a lot to take in and handle for one person...

Yes I'm glad that mom is safe, but I feel all alone in all this, in how to handle all this crap, I've never been on my own before. Pathetic... since I'm 27. With all the family drama from years ago, money, crap, mom leaving everything to me, her telling everyone in the family years ago, now, guess what, looking back, that basically causes almost all of them to not want to help me. I never thought I'd have to put mom in a nursing home. I feel so guilty, horrible. I know I tried my best to care for mom all by myself. It's just alot. Then at the nursing home, getting everything finalized, they're all looking at me, going, "you can make it without your mom... " ect. Really??? It's going to take me a while to adjust to life without her, without taking care of her 24/7, that's all I know. It's almost like no one gives you time to really process it all, of what's happening. Like you have to step back, and give yourself time to process it all. I'm realizing how alone I really am now. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some friends telling me to take her home, others saying to leave her in there, others making the comment, "well she's your mom." What does her being my mom have to do with it? The fact is, I physically, emotionally, mentally can't take care of mom all on my own, 24/7 anymore... I'm just in shock! People that I thought would be there for me or mom, are disappearing faster then I could ever imagine. Yes I know I'm 27, an adult, but I don't know hardly anyone my AGE that is going through any of this! I feel lost! I never prayed to GOD, but lately I feel like I don't have a choice. If there's anyone that has gone through putting there loved one in a nursing home, how do you cope, grieve, how do you deal with it all... ? Thanks for listening...

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Miku

sorry for your difficult situation at such a young age - while you are certainly an adult at 27, most of us do not go through elder care until we're middle aged ourselves

I was hoping to see more information in your profile but it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling to talk through your emotions - perhaps the social worker at the NH could make a suggestion for a caregiver support group

I can tell you that it is not unusual for family to run and hide when someone is placed in a facility - to the outsider, the problem is solved - it also takes a special person to cope with being a caregiver, so give yourself a break - adjustments take time and it is not easy

keep posting here, you will find support and guidance

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Thank you , It's going to take a while for me to get used to a new "normal" . But at least I tried with my mom . Not only did I do care giving with mom, but for the past few years, I did CNA for the past 4 years while caring for mom . It's a lot .

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I don't think that anyone who hasn't "been there done that" can possibly understand what you are feeling. Even at my age where people expect their parents to be in decline I found that most people seemed to be puzzled at my choice to care give at home and viewed the nursing home as a natural part of aging and don't get why I had put it off so long.
Your whole world has revolved around your mom and her needs, everything familiar has been pulled out from under you and you need to find your footing. Change is scary, especially change that is forced upon you and that you feel ambivalent about. You WILL find a new normal, but it takes time. ((hugs))

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As MsMadge stated it is common perhaps to common for family and friends to run off. Most people say 'what you should say', but there is no real meat behind their words. Plus, I have figure out if someone has never went through this than they don't have a clue 'how it really is." The toll it takes on a person whether he/she is young or middle age--whatever the CGs age. You did the right thing and you are to young to give up your life to care for someone else and again 'people just don't get it.'

Give yourself some time to process all that you have been through. Take one day at a time. Find a therapist to help you to take steps in making a new life for yourself. You are young and this is your chance to make a new beginning. I know it is going to be hard and strange. And stop feeling guilty because you did nothing wrong! You made the right decision--for your mom and for you!

Give yourself a break!

Hugs!!

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Don’t listen to people who haven’t walked a mile in your shoes...period. They know nothing and the advice they give is worthless and often platitudes. Who you need right now is a qualified therapist to help you process the loss and emotions you are feeling. You had a big part of your life taken up by caring for her and of course you feel at loose ends now. Guilt is not a realistic feeling because you’ve done nothing wrong. Your heart is conflicting with your head right now. But the head told you that getting your mom proper round the clock care by staff was the right thing for her. You are not super woman! Now you still have a role but it’s as her daughter and carer off to the side. You will still have a valuable role. Truly no one can understand how you feel when they’ve not been through this. I have friends I just don’t discuss it with because their lack of empathy is upsetting so I talk to those who understand. That’s why coming here is so valuable. I hope you can get counseling but if you can’t, join a support group of caregivers or keep coming here. We understand!

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I agree...find a support group and a counselor, someone who deals with family and elder issues. You have a unique history with your mom. I believe visits with a counselor will be essential to reclaiming and nurturing your own identity. You are a wonderful daughter. It is time to move on to the role of care manager and move forward toward your own special future.

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I'm sorry you're going through this at such a young age. My own son is 26 and has helped me with my 84 year old mom. He loves her and, of all her grandchildren, he is the closest. She lived with me and both my kids for 5 years and he was there for her a lot. However, when the dementia progressed to the point where she needed 24/7 care, I had to move her to a memory care facility. Could the three of us have wrangled our schedules around to provide that? Maybe. But her health and safety was a big issue and I also did not feel it was fair to ask my then 18 and 23 year old children to dedicate their lives to taking care of her. When you are young, you should get your education, be with your friends, date, travel, and maybe start your own family - I didn't want them to give all of that up to take care of their grandmother and, honestly, in my fifties, I have some of my own health issues and I simply could not handle her care.

You are too young to give up these years. Your dedication to your mother is admirable but you need and deserve your own life. It's too bad that people don't keep their word when they say "call me whenever you need me," but sadly most of them don't. Do what you can by visiting your mom, maybe take her for an outing or an overnight occasionally, and running some errands she may need, but don't forget to have a life of your own. It's normal to feel some guilt when you give up care of a loved one, but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You'll still have contact with her and it's up to you to determine how much, but if she has problems that will progress, it's really better to have medical caregivers watching over her.

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Well said.

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Dear Miku, I haven’t had your experience, but I could compare my situation after my first husband left me when I was in my early thirties. We had had quite a busy social life, but it soon became apparent that I had been cooking dinners for his friends, not mine. You have become ‘single’ in a different situation, but some things may be similar. Married couples often don’t really like socialising with single women, in particular. Perhaps you could find new friends your own age who have just become single, and may have more in common with you than you might expect. They may also be trying to make a different life, grieving in a different way, and wondering where everyone went.

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Agreed - and acknowledge how hard it is to rebuild a social life. Give yourself time, I have found that it takes months to get to know new people. Are there MeetUp or other social groups near you that share common interests - movies, dining, hiking? Join a gym, exercise and other people help bridge the loneliness.

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This is one of my pet peeves about friends and family. My husband and I had a lot of friends but since he became ill, they just disappear. They would come for parties and then leave unheard from again. Family members are worse - no calls or cards. I feel sorry for my husband. If he were single, he’d have no one, period!

Sad! Very sad!

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I have also been caring for my mom as younger caregiver for ten years. Im now 39. You are in the spot I wish I was at. Transition is never easy, but so necessary!! Your mom is now being cared for and you are only 27, its time to start living! I know its your mom, but she lived her 20's!! Hobbies, friends, relationships, education! The world is at your feet. Caring for mom from distance doesn't mean you don't care but you have to start thinking more about Your life now! As far as the family & friends. Well, you find out who your real friends and family are!! Mine has also mysteriously vanished while Ive had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Carma is the best you can hope for there. You made right decision and I'm fixing to do same thing. I can't handle it all any further, and its ok!! We pushed as far as humanly possible!! Keep your head up & take care of you!😇

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Thank you <3 I wish you the best of luck . It's a process . Unless people have been in our shoes, no one can understand what we are going through.

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You will get through this and you are already strong. Caregiving made you strong! There is nothing to regret. You are doing everything you can, and you always have.

We find out at these very tough emotional times, who our real friends are -and aren’t. Like in your situation, I found out the people who I expected to be there just weren’t. It is painfully disappointing, but if you look for the silver lining, you will see some people who you didn’t expect will be there.

Savor every moment with your parent. She was there for you, and you for her, and as life has it, she cannot possibly be there forever. Make every moment count.

When you are not with her, take kind loving care of yourself. Don’t turn to liquor or food for comfort. Don’t overspend. These “vices” will compound your problems later. Join a gym, take a walk in nature, enjoy a great film.

You are not alone. There are legions of us who have walked in these same shoes.

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I'm not sure how to phrase this, so forgive me if it comes out wrong.

This is normal. Everyone says, "call me if you need me." - but really? They don't want you to call, especially if you're asking for help. I've had a lot of people say it to me since my DH passed last year and I just got into the habit of saying, "thank you, I appreciate your offer to help. I'll let you know."

And as long as I never seem to need help - people keep asking and offering.

27 is an adult, but looking at it from 67, you're actually still extremely young and you're right - people are "abandoning" you when you are in need. God is not a last resort, God was my first line of defense while I was seeking guidance to take care of my 96 yr old DH.

And, the people you're needing right now? They're probably in your age group and they don't know what to do or say - so they disappear. Try to start asking for hugs from people - that they can do, and hugs do help.

Family and friends back off after putting mom in the nursing home. How do you deal with it all?

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