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As I mentioned about my mother that had taken a bad fall and the trip to the ER, Things took a turn for the worse the next day. Her breathing was not good, she was very short of breath and her pain was unbearable... So, I had to call for ambulance to transport her back to the hospital. With her conditions, she was admitted for four days. We are back home now. Things are much worse with caring for her. She has slipped away dramatically! My own health has become much worse... I was on my way home from after being with her in the hospital, being very exhausted, I blacked out under the wheel and went into a seizure like state, with uncontrolable shaking and then passed out. My car landed up against the guardrail from the side of the road... paramedics had arrived, and I was taken to the ER... being exhausted and stressed to the max had taken its toll on me! I feel I can't go on another day! I'm so scared and worried about my mother and with my own health issues it isn't safe for neither of us at this point. I now have decided to look into nursing home facilities for her safety and care, and the guilt is already starting to set in before I even get started, but I know this is the best thing i can do for her now.

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take care of yourself, the best thing for your mom is a nursing home she will have care 24 hrs a day so dont feel guilty
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Ditto what purple sushi said to DGinGA. The church spent centuries trying to control "the people" through guilt and adulterated interpretations of God's Word.
How can sacrificing one's entire life to the point of ruin be honoring another?
Well said, and I hope a lot of caregivers get the message:) xo
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@DGinGA - I love that last paragraph about honoring your father and mother... this is so true! I think if more people realized that, there would be less guilt piled on top of everything else that surrounds caregiving and the decisions that are required at one time or another.
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Hope you are better by now and have found an alternative plan of care for your mom to allow yourself time to rest and get better. Caregiving is very hard, physically and emotionally, and we can't care for others, if we are not well ourselves. I sometimes overdo and think, I can keep going, shorting myself of rest, nourishment both physical and emotional, and am soon reminded that I can't. God Bless-take care of yourself.
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Krazy, you are NO help to your mother if you're so stressed out that you aren't taking care of yourself. It sounds like a nursing home is the best place for her right now. Don't feel guilty, you've done what you can do, now let the professionals take over. Talk to her doc and get her the care she needs.

You know, I am reminded of a sermon I heard once where the pastor was talking about the commandment to "honor thy father and mother." She told us to remember that HONORING our parents does NOT mean sacrificing ourselves for our parents. It means that we have a responsibility to make sure they are OK. To make sure they are getting the care they need. It does NOT mean that WE have to be the ones providing that care, especially at the cost of our own health and well-being.
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what about Day Care for your mom? That was also a stepping stone in our journey. They can also be expensive ... we started off with only 1 day per week. My aunt wasn't happy about it but I told her that it was to keep her from going into a nursing home so she immediately changed her opinion! Then she was able to get a benefit from the VA as a surviving spouse that paid for 2 more days per week. If you're not already doing something like this, you might want to look into it.
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You can only do your best and your best is always good enough.
There is no law that says you have to care for a close family member and you notice I don't say "loved one" for a loved one you will make any sacrifice and do it with joy in your heart. The question to ask is this love or obligation?
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P.S. - where is JeanneGibbs? Haven't seen her post in awhile. She always has such great advice!
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24 hour care for your loved one is MUCH easier when there are several shifts of people that are watching your loved one, versus one person (you) trying to do it all. If you can't get other family members on board to help, it is damn near impossible to do for an extended amount of time. Would you work at ANY other job for 24 hours a day/7 days a week? Absolutely not...you know you would have a breakdown! Why do we think it is any different being a caregiver?? The only reason we feel guilty about saying "ENOUGH!" is because it is our parent - a paid caregiver doesn't have that guilt - they get to go home after 8-12 hours. I think what you need to do is step back and look at your situation from a different perspective. Like me, you will probably see that you can't keep doing what you're doing and not suffer major consequences in your health - both mental and physical - eventually. DO NOT feel guilty for taking care of yourself!
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There should have been someone who told you she could have gone from the hospital to a rehab........which is a nursing home that takes short term patients! Medicare will cover this for up to 6 weeks if the Dr agrees if not then 3 weeks! YOU need to care for you before you crack up......believe me been there!!! I am a Nurse and have been taking care of my Mom for 5 years every day its something else, she lives with my husband and myself has OCD, depression, Anxiety disorder, COPD, and IBS.......so lol depending on what's acting up that is how our day goes. She had a mini stroke in Nov and was at a rehab after the hospital for 6 weeks gave me a chance to rest and get myself back on track....Good Luck
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You are a good caregiver, because if you weren't, you wouldn't care so much about what happens to your Mom. She will get the care she needs in the nursing home. You concentrate on getting your own health back. The best thing you can do right now is rest and heal and let people take care of you for a change. Don't feel guilty. It's your life we're talking about here. When I get to the point where things are starting to seem unbearable, I pray and release my situation to God. He always comes through. You were never meant to carry this burden alone.
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I also send a hug. Absolutely do not feel guilty. Agree with most of the posts above.
I continued to take care of my mom when I was physically and mentally unable too and paid for it dearly. If the hospital and then nursing home is applicable I would do it.
24 hour a day care for some parents is more than most can handle if they still are married with family.
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I hope someone told you, if this applies, that Medicare will cover at least a month and usually longer of nursing-home care if the doctor orders it following a 4-day stay at the hospital. Keep that in mind. I would ask the doctor if it can still be ordered so that the staggering cost would be part of her Medicare coverage. If not, ask the doctor for recommendations of assisted living places. My mother's doctor told us where her elderly patients were happier. She isn't there yet, but it was a small step to know an appropriate place. And by the way, I feel much like you do but am finally taking a break, which really has showed me how completely drained I am. My own yard is a wasteland: that says it all.
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I say next time smack the Captain.
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See if your state has a respite program. Many do and they could not only give your mom care for the next couple of weeks to glue yourself back together but allow for you to use respite care on a regular basis to give yourself a break. Being a caregiver is a high stress job, and combine that with the love that we feel for the individual that we're caring for and it can be a real heartbreaker. Literally. I had my aunt admitted to a nursing facility yesterday. It broke my heart to stand there and write her name on the labels of her clothing but she was SO happy with the place. I realize a lot of these facilities are not nice but this one is beautiful and the staff is wonderful so I'm feeling a little less guilty today. Shop around or ask around for a good facility. It can make all the difference.
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First I want to send you a giant hug, you don't have to feel guilty about wanting to keep your mother safe, you have your own issues that require your attention. You are a strong person by admitting you are unable to do it. There are no laws that state that you have to do it, you are being very sensible about your situation. It doesn't mean that you love your mother any less. Take care of you because I'm sure she wouldn't want anything to happen to you. Bless you for being strong.
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Caregiving doesn't end once our loved one is in a nursing home. I cared for my dad in my home for 5 years. Then he went into the hospital and became worse. A nursing home was a last resort but that's what we decided. But my dad was so comfortable having me looking after him that the separation from me was very difficult on him and by extension, on me. The only time he was at peace was when I was with him so of course I was with him as much as possible. The caregiving doesn't change, it just gets different. I remember at one point thinking how much more stress do I have to be under before I have a heart attack? It was unbearable. Dad was calling me at all hours of the night. The NH was calling me constantly. I couldn't walk into the place without having at least 2 people telling me they needed to discuss my dad's health or his Medicaid application or any number of other things. I wondered how much stress my body could handle. My prayer at night? "God, please make it stop."

My caregiving didn't end until my dad died 6 weeks ago. He was in the NH for 7 months but I was always his caregiver.
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Please do not feel guilty. You are doing what is best for your Mom and for you. Remember, until you take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. As they tell you on the airplane. Put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help someone else! BoniChak, God has given you a sign. Your accident could have been MUCH worse, and then where would your Mom be? He has given you another chance. Take it...with sincere gratitude and without guilt. I would recommend a book to you called The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. We have been taught to always care for others...but nobody bothered to tell us we are the FIRST other to take care of. It doesn't mean being selfish or self-centered; it means being smart and doing what you have to do to take care of yourself because if you don't, you can't take care of anyone else. It's OK to take care of yourself...not at someone else's expense, but just to take care of yourself. Talk to God...just TALK to Him. He will listen and send you answers in the form of friends, professionals whether they are health care professionals, clergy, social worker...whoever. Believe me, I just went through a very, very bad time with my husband. Fortunately he was safe and no one else was hurt, but he was in a very dangerous situation due to his dementia. I knew for his safety and mine and the public, he needed to be moved to a facility. I am working on that now. I can sleep again and laugh again...something I haven't been able to do for a very long time. Too often we wait until a crisis occurs and only then do we act. Be PRO-active, not RE-active. You are doing the right thing. No need for guilt. Forget that. Good luck and God bless!
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Sweetheart, if you allow yourself to mourn, work your way through the stages of death, your stress will fall away and you will enjoy your mother's final days. She needs you most now. A hospitol is a horrible place to die. Call hospice, and get some help with your grief, and respite care for yourself. God bless
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I feel for you. I am in the same boat and will not take on any more stress. I have a sick husband too, Where do I show my loyalty. My mother has stressed me out for the last forty years (she had me late in life) that now, I want to be free, I don't know if this is a good thing to say but, I am worn. She never wanted to deal with my health problems or acknowledge the fact that we inlcluding my siblings are having some of the health issues she had or have. When I would tell her what's going on with me she changes the subject and focus on herself and what she is going through. I don't know how I am making it, Now that she is in a NF, I can get some rest and can be at ease knowing that she is safe, I have a demanding job and I won't tell you how many times I had to run out and see about her. It's not her fault but, she was always been sickly. Now I have to find another place for her and hope that the transition will be smooth. Please take care of yourself and remember you only live once and things will work out.
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send me a chopper and ill check the oil pressure then kick you out of the fliers seat. off to the mayo clinic, suckers !!
my HEART. lol..
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that IS a pretty kickass joke boni. usually leaves believers rather red faced.
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LOL! That's my favorite joke! I told it to Mom 2 days ago. ( For the 10th time). LOL
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Each of us has our limits when it comes to caregiving... and you have reached yours. Be at peace. Research facilities, check online feedback and reviews, local ombudsman, and once she gets into a facility you can simply enjoy time with her - not as a caregiver, but as a living a daughter.
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the lord helps them who help themselves iz what im sayin..
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@ boni,
ok, a sign from god. many years ago in a southern state there were biblical effin floods. a local minister was watching the flood conditions from his home. as the water reached his first floor windows a motorboat tried to rescue him. oh no, sez the minister, god will take care of us. on the second day of flooding the minister and his family were on the second floor of the home watching houses floating by when a second motorboat tried to rescue them. NEVER, exclaimed the minister, god will see us thru. the third day the family is clinging to the chimneytop and again refused help from a rescue chopper. well the dumb m - f drowned and went to heaven and one day as hes walking the streets he meets jesus himself. seeming quite troubled the minister asked jesus why as a faithful servant on earth did jesus let him drown in the flood. jesus replied, " man i sent you two motorboats and a helicopter " . lol. next to the turrets pianist thats one of my favorite jokes.. he he
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im back on the black sabbath tonight so dont expect sunday school behavior out of me..
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i was kinda kiddin crazy8. the general mood here screams for humor / sarcasm. just speaking from personal experience every time i smacked a guardrail it was caused by the very things that mother denounced. i was insisting that she get her aged ass on my trike and have the most enjoyable ride of her life the other day when she pulled a fresh beer bottle out of the trashcan and told me " heres why not " . she got me there. shes late stage dementia and still smarter than me. shes not familiar with " hellin " we dont go ridin, we go hellin.. conversely her 89 year old sister, edna loves to go " hellin " . lol
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This is your life too Krazy8s! Take care of you.
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Don't feel guilty - you can't possibly give your mother the best care when you're overburdened and stressed to the max. Sounds like the best solution is for her to be in a facility where there are people round the clock to check on her - one person can only do so much. Been there, done that...and I don't regret my choice.
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