Falling apart...I can no longer care for my mother.

You need to get yourself in better shape before you can consider taking care of your mom. Your idea to get her into a nursing home is a good one! Take the time to take care of your health and reduce your stress. If you break down, you're not going to do yourself or your mom any good. Don't feel guilty - you can only do what you can do. I'm sure you'll hear that from a lot of other caregivers on here.

I just want to send you a big hug and prayer! Don't feel guilty. You are not doing anything wrong. I think finding a nursing home for your mom is acting in the best interest of your mom and yourself. It will give you some time to recover from your health issues. It's like being on a plane and they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before your loved one's oxygen mask. Because if you go down without oxygen then no one will be there to help save your loved ones....in essence you are your mom's hero!!!

When you tell us you fell apart, what permission are you looking for to put yourself back together? Do you want to be whole and thriving?
Do you understand that you are not handling this for YOUR survival?
You need to step back from survival mode, RELAX and REGROUP.
You can and must do that. Obviously, you are reaching out for help and advice. Please let the hospital take care of her and stay away for a couple of days. Running yourself into the ground is counter-productive and of no help to either of you. Be healthy, dear one:) xo

I suffer from PTSD, and I have severe panic attacks. I'm on meds to control my panic attacks, but haven't been able to follow up with my doctor for some time now. I feel that I'm the worse possible person/caregiver at this time. I'm well aware that I need to get myself in a better health condition in order to continue care for my mother. I have discussed things with my sister, and she has decided to stay nights, and I stay during the day. This will help a great deal! Thanks for the concern and prayers!

Sounds like a plan! Make an appointment to get back to your doctor for your OWN check up! Good luck and keep us posted.

c'mon now. life is full of stressors. ya smack a guardrail cause your driving blows. sorry, im trying to be helpful, thats classic blameshifting.

K, Sleep!! Meditate! Eat carbs and grains. Mellow out. You can do it.
Smack the guardrail. Captain! Lol! You're bad:) xo

Thanks, blannie :)

Yup, captain I sure as h*ll did! Sh*t happens when stress takes over. I would of probably felt much better if I coulda smacked the h*ll out of something else... that just might would have done the trick!! Jk, I'm seeking help soon as I possibly can! ;)

Sometimes God gives you a sign....and Hitting the Guardrail sounds about right for him. Slow down and take care of YOURSELF first!

Don't feel guilty - you can't possibly give your mother the best care when you're overburdened and stressed to the max. Sounds like the best solution is for her to be in a facility where there are people round the clock to check on her - one person can only do so much. Been there, done that...and I don't regret my choice.

This is your life too Krazy8s! Take care of you.

i was kinda kiddin crazy8. the general mood here screams for humor / sarcasm. just speaking from personal experience every time i smacked a guardrail it was caused by the very things that mother denounced. i was insisting that she get her aged ass on my trike and have the most enjoyable ride of her life the other day when she pulled a fresh beer bottle out of the trashcan and told me " heres why not " . she got me there. shes late stage dementia and still smarter than me. shes not familiar with " hellin " we dont go ridin, we go hellin.. conversely her 89 year old sister, edna loves to go " hellin " . lol

im back on the black sabbath tonight so dont expect sunday school behavior out of me..

@ boni,
ok, a sign from god. many years ago in a southern state there were biblical effin floods. a local minister was watching the flood conditions from his home. as the water reached his first floor windows a motorboat tried to rescue him. oh no, sez the minister, god will take care of us. on the second day of flooding the minister and his family were on the second floor of the home watching houses floating by when a second motorboat tried to rescue them. NEVER, exclaimed the minister, god will see us thru. the third day the family is clinging to the chimneytop and again refused help from a rescue chopper. well the dumb m - f drowned and went to heaven and one day as hes walking the streets he meets jesus himself. seeming quite troubled the minister asked jesus why as a faithful servant on earth did jesus let him drown in the flood. jesus replied, " man i sent you two motorboats and a helicopter " . lol. next to the turrets pianist thats one of my favorite jokes.. he he

the lord helps them who help themselves iz what im sayin..

Each of us has our limits when it comes to caregiving... and you have reached yours. Be at peace. Research facilities, check online feedback and reviews, local ombudsman, and once she gets into a facility you can simply enjoy time with her - not as a caregiver, but as a living a daughter.

LOL! That's my favorite joke! I told it to Mom 2 days ago. ( For the 10th time). LOL

that IS a pretty kickass joke boni. usually leaves believers rather red faced.

send me a chopper and ill check the oil pressure then kick you out of the fliers seat. off to the mayo clinic, suckers !!
my HEART. lol..

I feel for you. I am in the same boat and will not take on any more stress. I have a sick husband too, Where do I show my loyalty. My mother has stressed me out for the last forty years (she had me late in life) that now, I want to be free, I don't know if this is a good thing to say but, I am worn. She never wanted to deal with my health problems or acknowledge the fact that we inlcluding my siblings are having some of the health issues she had or have. When I would tell her what's going on with me she changes the subject and focus on herself and what she is going through. I don't know how I am making it, Now that she is in a NF, I can get some rest and can be at ease knowing that she is safe, I have a demanding job and I won't tell you how many times I had to run out and see about her. It's not her fault but, she was always been sickly. Now I have to find another place for her and hope that the transition will be smooth. Please take care of yourself and remember you only live once and things will work out.

Sweetheart, if you allow yourself to mourn, work your way through the stages of death, your stress will fall away and you will enjoy your mother's final days. She needs you most now. A hospitol is a horrible place to die. Call hospice, and get some help with your grief, and respite care for yourself. God bless

Please do not feel guilty. You are doing what is best for your Mom and for you. Remember, until you take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. As they tell you on the airplane. Put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help someone else! BoniChak, God has given you a sign. Your accident could have been MUCH worse, and then where would your Mom be? He has given you another chance. Take it...with sincere gratitude and without guilt. I would recommend a book to you called The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. We have been taught to always care for others...but nobody bothered to tell us we are the FIRST other to take care of. It doesn't mean being selfish or self-centered; it means being smart and doing what you have to do to take care of yourself because if you don't, you can't take care of anyone else. It's OK to take care of yourself...not at someone else's expense, but just to take care of yourself. Talk to God...just TALK to Him. He will listen and send you answers in the form of friends, professionals whether they are health care professionals, clergy, social worker...whoever. Believe me, I just went through a very, very bad time with my husband. Fortunately he was safe and no one else was hurt, but he was in a very dangerous situation due to his dementia. I knew for his safety and mine and the public, he needed to be moved to a facility. I am working on that now. I can sleep again and laugh again...something I haven't been able to do for a very long time. Too often we wait until a crisis occurs and only then do we act. Be PRO-active, not RE-active. You are doing the right thing. No need for guilt. Forget that. Good luck and God bless!

Caregiving doesn't end once our loved one is in a nursing home. I cared for my dad in my home for 5 years. Then he went into the hospital and became worse. A nursing home was a last resort but that's what we decided. But my dad was so comfortable having me looking after him that the separation from me was very difficult on him and by extension, on me. The only time he was at peace was when I was with him so of course I was with him as much as possible. The caregiving doesn't change, it just gets different. I remember at one point thinking how much more stress do I have to be under before I have a heart attack? It was unbearable. Dad was calling me at all hours of the night. The NH was calling me constantly. I couldn't walk into the place without having at least 2 people telling me they needed to discuss my dad's health or his Medicaid application or any number of other things. I wondered how much stress my body could handle. My prayer at night? "God, please make it stop."

My caregiving didn't end until my dad died 6 weeks ago. He was in the NH for 7 months but I was always his caregiver.

First I want to send you a giant hug, you don't have to feel guilty about wanting to keep your mother safe, you have your own issues that require your attention. You are a strong person by admitting you are unable to do it. There are no laws that state that you have to do it, you are being very sensible about your situation. It doesn't mean that you love your mother any less. Take care of you because I'm sure she wouldn't want anything to happen to you. Bless you for being strong.

See if your state has a respite program. Many do and they could not only give your mom care for the next couple of weeks to glue yourself back together but allow for you to use respite care on a regular basis to give yourself a break. Being a caregiver is a high stress job, and combine that with the love that we feel for the individual that we're caring for and it can be a real heartbreaker. Literally. I had my aunt admitted to a nursing facility yesterday. It broke my heart to stand there and write her name on the labels of her clothing but she was SO happy with the place. I realize a lot of these facilities are not nice but this one is beautiful and the staff is wonderful so I'm feeling a little less guilty today. Shop around or ask around for a good facility. It can make all the difference.

I say next time smack the Captain.

I hope someone told you, if this applies, that Medicare will cover at least a month and usually longer of nursing-home care if the doctor orders it following a 4-day stay at the hospital. Keep that in mind. I would ask the doctor if it can still be ordered so that the staggering cost would be part of her Medicare coverage. If not, ask the doctor for recommendations of assisted living places. My mother's doctor told us where her elderly patients were happier. She isn't there yet, but it was a small step to know an appropriate place. And by the way, I feel much like you do but am finally taking a break, which really has showed me how completely drained I am. My own yard is a wasteland: that says it all.

I also send a hug. Absolutely do not feel guilty. Agree with most of the posts above.
I continued to take care of my mom when I was physically and mentally unable too and paid for it dearly. If the hospital and then nursing home is applicable I would do it.
24 hour a day care for some parents is more than most can handle if they still are married with family.

You are a good caregiver, because if you weren't, you wouldn't care so much about what happens to your Mom. She will get the care she needs in the nursing home. You concentrate on getting your own health back. The best thing you can do right now is rest and heal and let people take care of you for a change. Don't feel guilty. It's your life we're talking about here. When I get to the point where things are starting to seem unbearable, I pray and release my situation to God. He always comes through. You were never meant to carry this burden alone.