Ever wonder why you're expected to care for your parents hand and foot, but they didn't care for theirs the same?

Yes, my dad would never even call his mother and wasn’t there when she died. He did attend the funeral. Now he DEMANDS that my daughter be his indentured servant. She’s to leave her job, her fiancé, her animals and her church to wait on him hand and foot. This is an ongoing conflict. I will NEVER give in. My daughter and I are glad to do things to help both my parents but we’re going to continue living our own life. In our own home. With our spouses.

@pinkfelines4
Thank you so much for that. I really mean that. This is EXACTLY how I feel and as i work to get it right for both me and my mom, venting helps ME to remain sane. If it were that easy, this support forum would cease to exist.
Bless your heart.💗

moecam - I think you're onto something. My mother's father died at 76 when she was 41. Her mother died at 89 when she was 59. My mother is 91 and her brother is 102. I have been taking care of my mother for 22 years.

FreeMe, I totally understand! I have been caring for my 96 year old Mum who has dementia for the last 7 years in my home. I've given up a job I loved, my husband and I have no life or privacy. Even with dementia, Mum can remember that she can't stand my husband because he took me away from her! She has always been demanding, manipulative, outspoken and frankly, nasty. I've developed quite a few health issues myself from the stress of caring for her and even my Dr. tells me it's time to look into long term care for her, for my own sanity! Yet I can't do it. I've stopped sharing this with people because of the fear that they will think I shouldn't complain, because "I have the power to change the situation." A lot easier said than done. As difficult as this caregiving journey is, somehow we always manage to justify it in spite of the toll it takes on us, and the impact it has on the others we love in our lives. I haven't got an answer for that. My Mum had no problem putting her mother into a Nursing Home! Why can't I? I guess you and I are just not the type of people that can do it so easily. Maybe we love too much. So complain here all you want! You've earned the right to do so! I hope it helps to know that someone else is having the same difficulties making that long term care decision. God Bless

mocam, I'm seriously taking your advice. Never thought I would but I am.

CaringRN
Omg this sounds so familiar.

I would like to add, I think this is a rather badly put question.

Every family is different. If your parents had a bad relationship with their parents and didn't want dance attendance upon them as they aged, that is their own situation and they had their own reasons.

If YOU adore your mommy and daddy to the moon and back and want to take care of them in their old age, that is YOUR own situation, and your own reasons.

One has nothing to do with the other. Just because your parents did or didn't do something doesn't mean YOU will do or not do something.

I did caregiving for my mother (which nearly killed me) reluctantly as there was literally no one else.  She stayed in her house till she got worse and her money about gone, and then I got her into a nursing home.  I told my own daughter I would never in a million years put her through such a thing. Hopefully I will have enough money.....

I once told mom she was 38 when her father died & I was 68 - THAT IS THE NEW PROBLEM! - people are living so much longer & thus need more help for longer periods of time - we can't continue to place our lives on hold - my dad died in Aug at 94 however his dad died when my dad was 26 but grandpa was only 72 - that's a big difference in the caretakers ability to manage because 26 YO usually don't have their own health issues

We now need to stop being the 'servant child' as we grow older but start being the 'caring child' which means you oversee their issues without hands on caretaking - forget about any promises made either under duress or without know the full situation -

The NH now a days are so superior to those even 20 years ago - most elderly people equate them with a warehouse until they die but now there are so many activities [10 + in my mom's place] that many times I go & end up participating in an activity & helping the rec staff - there is no way I could mount 10 activities a week if I was a hands on caretaker ... so remember this if/when your LO goes into a NH that they are usually better off with trained staff who get 8 hour shifts then go home rather than your poor exhausted self

My grandmother took care of my grandfather until his dementia got pretty bad. I believe she had to "encourage" her grown kids to find a place for him. She was sick and had high blood pressure.
When my grandma had an operation, my mother and I went to care for her for a couple of days. I remember my mother almost vomiting when she had to empty her bedpan (urine only). I didn't see what the big deal was. My mother is not the nurturing type. My aunt wound up looking after grandma in the same apartment building as she lived in for the rest of her life. No help from my mother.
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When I was 23, I had a boss who asked me why I was contributing to the retirement plan. She told me her kids were going to take care of her when she retired. I told her I wouldn't count on that, as things change. I would never expect my child to take care of me. (I'm glad I thought that because we don't have a relationship and don't talk anyway.)
We've got to take responsibility for ourselves. We'll retire in Mexico. If my hubby dies before I do, I'll hire a nice, young señorita and pay her well to take care of me.

Because, you are a good woman that wants to do right thing.
Set a schedule, send copy to your siblings an share.
It's the right thing, you too have needs an so does your family

FreeMe; "But this is her personality to ME ONLY". That quote & your reality struck close to home for me. Since I was a teen, my Mother has been this way with me. The very few times I have asked my sister if Mom has manipulated her in this manner, my sister has looked at me like I had 2 heads, so I don't speak of it. It took me a long time & therapy to learn how manipulative my mother is & how to "detach with love". It's been 18 months now & I still have to consciously practice skills I learned from the therapist's. Rolling off her guilt trips/jabs are getting easier.My Mother is 93 & bedridden now. I feel she groomed me. 43 years ago, she even asked my Husband (he was my 19 year old boyfriend at the time) if he was going to take care of her when she was old. He said "yes". To this day, she still "reminds" him of that day. He tells her " I have taken care of you better than your own 2 sons that you gave birth to"( that temporarily shuts her up). She's an expert in FOG. I sub-consciously married young thinking I could get away from her( fat chance).One thing I'll never understand-She never took care of her own Mother or Father. That, she left to her unmarried, working sister(my mother never worked outside the home). I don't recall her ever offering to her sister respite when my Aunt was caring for her parents. Not once! But she wanted me there all the time.

My mother would never do what I have done and what I am doing. She has lived her life very self-centered and 'me-centric.' Years ago she would visit her parents about 5 times a year. When her father died we attended the funeral. She then visited her mother occasionally. When her mother went into a nursing home she visited her a few times and brought her something to eat. When she died we attended the funeral. When her brother went into a nursing home she visited him once a month. Any hands-on care would be out of the question for her. She didn't want anyone dependent on her. Consequently, she didn't have anyone close; family, friends, or neighbors. Her daughter(my stepsister) disowned her in the early '80s. I am her caregiver because I am a very different person. I have spent my life caring for other people; co-workers, neighbors, and always doing whatever my mother needed. If the situation were reversed she would not be doing this for me. I am her caregiver because it is the kind of person I am, not because of the kind of person she is. I don't have anyone to take care of me. I am on my own.

I have found two things happen in a lifetime with dysfunctional families. The smart kids up and leave, move across the country, as soon as possible, after graduation, after school. The smart ones live far away and are removed from the horrors the one(s) left behind are going through, they can visit now and then, send cards, call and express concern ('How is Mom? How is she? How is she?') Their part is done......the kid left behind living near the narcissic parent is usually the one who has been picked on as being the weak 'runt-of-the-litter'.  Enmeshed in their life.  Manipulated and beat down for a lifetime, to be a kicked-dog servant to the narcissic parent, to do their every bidding. .... After all, 'they live right here in town, they HAVE to jump and dance to my bidding, it's their OBLIGATION, they OWE ME. What else do they have to do but attend my every need???' (faaaarrrrttttt.).....There is a ton of good advice here on how to extricate yourself from a toxic situation.  F.O.G.  Fear, Obligation, Guilt.   Please read and take it to heart, you do not deserve ruining your life.  I took care of MY mother, who never wanted me and put on a great face to the whole world, because I didn't have the brains or guts to leave town, and so I was stuck.   I had to do it, there was literally no one else except a brother across the country that I loved and listened to... My blood pressure was so high, they wanted to hospitalize me, and it's high to this day....As to why anyone doesn't care for their own parents, what about it?   My husband's grandmother moved into his family's house when she was in her 80's and he was 16.  She took his room and he had to sleep in a sleeping  bag under the dining room table.  Swell, huh?  He joined the service the day after graduation and never went back.  He said if his mother ever needed caregiving, he would happily drive her to a nursing home, but she would never come to live in his house....No one is legally obligated to do so, if there is dysfunction in a family, it goes on for generations.  If it is a big, jolly, loving caring Waltons type family, sure.  If it is a selfish, using, grasping narcissic type family, don't expect much.  But most of us do what we can, I think.  Can't do everything, alas.

  

Set some boundaries with your Mom NOW! You have earned the right to live your own life. And your children should be your number one priority, not your Mom. I, too, was the youngest of four children. Both my Mother and my Mother-in-law were demanding of my time and my life. Eventually I put my foot down. I did it for my sanity. Nobody should be tasked with constant care of their parents, when siblings and/or spouses are available. Assisted Living was a God-send for my Mother in Law, who would literally pace the floor 22 hours a day, and spit at me. Talk about exhaustion! I thought I would lose it. But once we moved her into an assisted living facility (ALF) my life changed dramatically! Yours can too.

If your Mom states she cannot walk to the bathroom on her own, then you need to talk with her doctor, and tell him/her that you cannot care for her at that level. Also ask for a psych eval of your Mom, and a Social Worker to evaluate her.. You are not capable of caring for your Mom at this level... They will help you in making the transition.

And tell your Mom that because you love her SO much, you only want what's best for her, and that means she has to move to an Assisted Living Facility, so she can get that help walking to the bathroom.

Good luck, and God bless!

My mother expects me to take care of her, yet did -0-, nada for her mother.

😜 Ugh Oh, I feel a soapbox moment coming on!

Who started that "greatest generation" crap anyway?
I looked it up.
DEFINITION of "The Greatest Generation"; 
A term coined by onetime NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw to describe Americans (or westerners) that were young adults during the World War II era. These folks were thought by many to be "great" as a result of the strife and turmoil they endured.

Well, Tom, there have been many not only great but "glorious" people who are unsung heroes. To call only one group 'great' undermines the rest of the people all over the world who have suffered miserably, given of themselves beyond human imagination and given their lives quietly fighting for equality and justice.
I think this term really pumped up the WW2 men and women who contributed to the war effort. I think they have kept this mind set for all these years and feel they are "owed" for doing their part. (My FIL brought it up frequently.) What a contrast to the poor VietNam vets when they returned home. No parades, no "great 'younger' generation", nothin'. Now they have to fight for the care and services they need through an overworked and under funded VA administration.

Most people, in their own way, are unsung heroes. So ALL generations are the greatest. We all deserve respect and to have our basic needs met, to not be used or abused by anyone. We should be able to contribute our talents to make our world a better place, while existing in peace. No one is any better or lesser than anyone else. We should all work for the common good.
It's too bad everyone doesn't think this way. Too bad there are those who feels they are special and deserving of more than the next guy.

Unfortunately, the elderly, like little children, are very self oriented. It's up to those of us in-between these 2 generations to balance out what would benefit us all.

I'll get off my soapbox now. ▪️💃🏼

@evermore99 WELL SAID!! I have told my own mother many times that everyone has struggles and triumphs. Tears and joy. No one get through this life without strife. Comparing who had it worse is not only fruitless but a quite depressing pastime. And the some of the "greatest generation" are turning out to be whiny, selfish, ungrateful babies.

My sister and I have both been in a similar situation with our parents. My mom lived on her own eventually and we visited. The relationship improved tremendously and we took her out regularly, before she passed. My dad at first made a lot of demands and we jumped, but when it got to us being completely wiped out from exhaustion alone, I sat him down and spoke to him very firmly about what has to change and lo & behold, it did, thank goodness. It made a huge difference and our relationship improved hugely. Good luck and don't forget to look after YOU !

Thank you everyone for your experiences and advie.

Yes, I have wondered. My father’s mom died and he went to the funeral. That’s it. My mom’s mom had a massive stroke and went from hospital to nursing home. My mom took time doing things like doing my grandma’s hair, taking treats to her, bringing clothing and toiletries for my grandma in the NH. But never did hands on care. Now they’re pushing for my daughter to drop her life and move in with them. A similar situation to yours. I won’t go into details right now. Good question!

I think that with people who are in their 80's and up have a huge entitlement problem and they accuse every generation after them entitled. They justify it by the Great Depression, the 2nd World War and since they gave so much, they are owed this. Well, you aren't owed a damn thing in this world.

BarbBrooklyn is spot on FreeMe! You need to take care of YOU, else you drop over! Quite often, it is one adult child of the aging parents that provides the care. If you cannot do it (since you really have a full plate already), then speak to your siblings.

Dr Phil tells parents of entitled teens and 20+ children.
"She won't change until you do."
Which is basically what everyone is advising and is good advice for any situation where one is seeking change in how another treats us regardless of their age.

One other thought is that you might have a needs assessment done for your mom so you know what is needed and what HER income will provide for her.
I would skip the sibling scenario unless you think they would be a form of support for you. Trying to get someone else to do something isn't what you need. You have enough of that already.
I bet it was a light bulb moment to have your mom say that your needs only count after hers are met. That's a pretty motivating conversation I would think for you to take action.
Good luck and let us hear back from you on how it's going.

Freeme I understand what you are saying, and the life you are living... I offer you my moral support. Being the "oncall" child is difficult. I do not know the answers.

I do know the feelings: the why me, why don't I just back off, why can't I say no.

I also have been dealing with the anger of being manipulated and often wonder why I am so weak.

I don't have the answers, but I sympathize with you.

Sadly, there really isn't a way you could know what your parents went through with their own parents.

However, it really doesn't matter. When all else fails, remember the Golden Rule.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

We will be judged by our actions and no one else's - so no one else's really matter.

I am sorry you are "the one" as I too was "the one" and I just did what I could but not was was beyond my means.  Almost like a list, but not, "I do what I can do."

I have also enjoyed reading everyone's responses here. I was reading that narc. parents tend to raise 1 or 2 "golden children" and 1 or 2 "servant children" to supply their needs of bragging and controlling. Even though my father is in year 3 of the NH, my life still to this day revolves around taking care of his property and cleaning up colossal messes. I look forward to a time when it finally is about me and mine and NOT about him.

Historically the child who helped was youngest female - many above say they are youngest or only daughter - they are often the last to leave home

I think some parents start grooming the 'helper child' very young so that they are trained to react to the guilt put upon them - this might be deliberate or not but the result is same

Many of you may already be closing your eyes to think back on how you might have been raised just slightly differently to older or male sibs - does the phrase 'Mary is too young to join you, you'll have to go without her' seem familiar? - here they also put a barrier within the sibling group

Basically selfish people are selfish - start saying NO often - go out & don't you pay for help because YOU don't need it - go away for a few days for peace & let the others pitch in for a change - when they say they went on vacation to such in such place tell them you haven't been away for X years so it's your turn to relax - and go even if it's just to next city get away & let other realize your burden

I sure needed to hear the responses to FreeMe’s post. I too am struggling to get out of the toxic FOG with my mother and family. I believe I get the brunt of caregiving because I’m the only daughter and am expected to do it - patriarchal society. This past week while I had my mother in my home I took her to two holiday events. The one evening event I asked for a caregiver. My brother told Visiting Angels not to send one. Bottom line they did not want me to have an evening out on my mother’s dime. My mother said to me and I quote: “if you had kids you would have had to hire a babysitter so same difference.” So I had to pay a caregiver out of my own pocket. BTW I am poor too (no job), don’t know from one month to the next if I’m going to have health insurance (I’m on the ACA) don’t have kids (one adult daughter in CA), I’m 58, struggling to regain life after my husband’s suicide and losing my 33 YO son to cancer. Barb and several others have given good advice. I hope it helps you to know there are many of us struggling with the same issues and know it is not easy!

I am thanking you so much for posting this! I am getting ready to begin a situation with my Mother that I am not sure I can handle. I need to set boundaries early and not react to her bad attitude. I moved my Dad here a month ago and he is doing great in a nh here. My mom moves here on Monday and has already started drama before she got here about all the crisis going on in her life. I need to learn how to not let her drama bother me so much.

The Golden Rule is "First your Marriage, then your Kids, then your Parents." I am an only child, my mother is 93. She uses guilt like a scalpel, calls whenever she needs my intervention in a "crisis," and constantly complains about her AL situation. It took an ultimatum from my wife and good advice on this forum to fight the battle and get her into AL and out of our happy home turned stress pit. Now we are free, she is secretly happy with friends her own age (I have spies everywhere), and I have used the Golden Rule above as my guide and motto for the past year and a half. You should too starting today. Be strong, we all know what you are going through.