Ever wonder why you're expected to care for your parents hand and foot, but they didn't care for theirs the same?

My father was one of those "shadow siblings" who hardly contributed. If there was elderly housecleaning, my mother, aunt and I would go every couple of months and do a huge clean up for my father's father. My mother only had to care for her parents sporadically, and even then only a few months before they passed.

I identify with you because I am the youngest of 4 children, the older 3 were smart enough to flee before the fear, obligation and guilt took over. I was foolish enough and somehow slid into 30 years of doing their bidding.

You make such a valid point....that generation did little to support their parents, yet in turn expect total surrender of our lives, incomes, dreams, freedom.......to support their declining years.

There is a lot of sage advice to be had here. You need to start saying no and find a way to enjoy some of your own life. My life's largest regret was letting my parent's demands get ahead and demand more of my time than with my own children while they were growing up. Rediclulous, I know, but you do not realize it at the time when you are stress and in crisis mode. It is NOT too late for you ..... please prioritize your own family and good luck to you.

So, Free, what would your mom do if you dropped Dear? Or ended up in the hospital?

You need to make sure with narcissistic and manipulative parents, that they are being cared for, of they require care, by professionals who see through the smokescreen of Fear, Obligation and Guilt that they throw up.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. Tell them and your siblings that you're not going to be able to help any longer due to your other family obligations.

Decide for yourself what you can do, say visit one afternoon a week. Others are going to have to do the rest, and it's not your job to cajole or pay anyone to do these tasks. It's your mom's responsibility to look after herself.

That should be "dropped dead"!

You get the brunt of mom's bad attitude because you are the one who is there all the time. I would venture to guess that if one of your siblings came to visit mom would be friendly and charming.

You don't have to subject yourself to her manipulations. You may ask yourself, "If I don't take of mom, who will?" Who indeed? If you were to take back your life and stop being a whipping post for your mom what would she do? Enter an assisted living facility maybe or hire in-home caregivers?

My point is that you are not chained to your mom. She doesn't want to do therapy because she has you to do the work for her. Why should she exert herself? And how can you possibly venture outside to do something for yourself when your mom may have to pee while you're gone??

You have choices. You can ask your siblings to step up and help. You can get your mom into an assisted living facility. You can back away from your perceived obligation to her and carve out a life of your own and just let the voicemail pick up her numerous messages.

No one has a gun to your head. You're not a hostage. After caring for your mom for 20 years it's time for you to do something else and let someone else pick up the slack. When we're in a bad situation of our own making but we refuse to do anything to change that situation eventually we give up the right to complain about it. I'm not saying that's where you're at but that's where you're headed. Making changes can be difficult and scary but if you're not happy change things so you can be happy. If you choose not to make any changes then you have a find a way to live with the way things are with your mom. She's not going to change, you have to be the one to make changes. You can't expect her behavior to improve. It won't. So do you want to accept that this is the way things are and learn to live with it or do you want to have a life of your own? The choice is up to you.

FreeMe, I write this with compassion and not with sarcasm, as it might seem, but perhaps you can ask yourself why is it that only you are taking care of your mother when your other siblings have apparently refused to?

Take to heart what the posters have written so far. Eyerishlass elaborated on this phenomenon very eloquently. Follow hers, Mincemeat's and Barb's advice; it's very good and insightful. You're the one who'll have to make the changes, and it won't be easy. Many of us have been where you are.

@Eyerishlass
What you are saying is correct however it is not that simple or this support group would not exist. Part of letting go of this caretaker life I have led is knowing that I'm not alone. That helps to get my life back. But to say or insinuate I shouldn't complain makes me wonder then, why would a support group exist? Some may be able to drop it like that. Honestly those are the ones who probably never cared to start. But others need some support along the way to help them to move on with their own lives. I have the right to vent. That's in part what the group is for.

Eyerishlass wrote: "When we're in a bad situation of our own making but we refuse to do anything to change that situation eventually we give up the right to complain about it. I'm not saying that's where you're at but that's where you're headed."

I don't think you are in a situation of your own "making" but of your own choosing. Maybe the other siblings didn't put any effort into your mom, so you became the "go to" child. You "accepted" the position (at the time). It, unfortunately, has gotten out of hand but you are still in the caregiving position and you have not 'restructured' your job description.

But, your priorities should be in this order; you and your spouse (if applicable), your children (especially your disabled one) THEN your mother. You have taken on this responsibility (her) and are now stuck in quicksand. The harder you try to pull away, the harder she fights against it. She has made herself completely dependent on you (or so she wants you to think!) and you are wrapped tightly in her black widow grip.

You have "allowed" this situation to envelop your life and now you are rebelling. Good. That's the first step in CHANGING the situation. Mom is not going to change a thing (why would she?) so YOU are going to have to set some boundaries. Read up on doing that. Google it. It's tough to change a 20 year pattern of responses. But you see that it HAS to happen, for you to get your life back.

I think what Eyerishlass meant (my interpretation) is that you can't just sit back and say how terrible it is and expect it to change, without putting a great deal of effort into changing it yourself. You can't stay in the same circumstances (which is easy to do). Of course you can vent-we all do. But you also have to act.

I had a friend who complained about the same things over and over. I would give her my suggestions and thoughts but she ignored them. She just wanted to "vent"... daily (often multiple times daily!) without changing the source of her irritation. That's fruitless. It's also a huge struggle to remain friends.

Time to educate yourself on how to back away from mom and not "cave" under all that she WILL throw at you. And, yes, she'll let loose with everything she can to get you to stay her indentured servant. Who would want to loose that? But you will have to withstand mom's vicious verbal attacks and hold your ground, for this situation to change. Good thing is that YOU are in control of what you do.

Is it possible for you to see a therapist for great suggestions on how to accomplish this? Even one session could be helpful. Practice at home with your new responses. You don't have to be overbearing (which is probably how you feel) but be calm (practice in front of a mirror) and state your refusals to your mother in a soft voice. YOU are in charge of your responses. You can't control her but you can control YOU. She can't force you to do anything you don't want to do. IMO, I think you also have to speak with your siblings. Maybe they'll hear that you've had it but, chances are, they'll have to SEE that you've had it in order to take you seriously. This will take time.

This attitude change on your part is the ONLY way you're going to get this rotten situation changed. Good luck.

Dear FreeMe,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It is tough. And there is so much on your plate. You have a right to express your frustrations. We are here to listen. I, too, find myself in your situation, so I do empathize and sympathize with everything you are saying.

I know you care a lot and feel like you can't just walk away from your own mother even though she is overbearing and driving you crazy. I hear that. I grew up in a culture where you didn't complain and you didn't rebel, you were obedient to whatever your parents wanted. Growing up as a pleaser is tough. We want validation and acknowledgment for our efforts. I only say this because I realize now what a terrible mistake I made by never advocating for myself.

I don't have to fix everyone and everything. Yes, I care. And yes, I want to do the right thing for all my loved ones. But I also don't want be angry and resentful about it. I have to agree with the others that we all need to make different choices when a situation is escalating. It is worth it to look at your options. Make the choice to save yourself and your own family.

Thank you everyone.
SueC1957, I am venting certainly but venting does not mean I haven't taken any steps. Quite the opposite in fact. I Am currently mapping out the appropriate steps to take to free myself. However, I also NEVER complain. Venting is what is helping me to transition myself without going off on her. Coming here was to be a life line of sorts to strengthen me as I make moves to free myself as I've already begun doing. Trust me, complaints and venting have no bearing on my current efforts to get my life back. Support groups much like therapy give me more strength while in the process.
cdnreader hit the nail on the head.
Thanks everyone.

FreeMe, I'm so very glad to know that you are taking steps to change your current circumstances! Vent away, and let us know how you're getting on. We care, and we all learn from each other!

Seriously reading this line made me do a double take and re read. My mother would always say that I would care for her like I did my gma(which she said "gma was more of a mom to you than I was" at the hospital when she had her recent TIA last June) she mentioned me caring and I said "you're going into a home and ima ha e the best looking nurse to care for you". She didnt react but laughed. I'm sure she didnt hear the seriousness behind my sarcasm but yea I am out of her FOG now. I am sorry you're so stressed. This is what aging parents do and especially NPD parents or elders they manipulate to get what they want. I am not on speaking terms with my mother but I know she is well taken care of (her husband aka step dad and has 3 boys to do her dirty work which I noticed when I went to visit my gma) but so sad about that visit is that as soon as I got there (they installed a web cam for gma) my mother called the house (thank technology for caller ID!) I was like NOPE and walked out. She new I was there but acted curious to see what my gma would say. I am not going to give her the satisfaction and giving into her. I am 27 and needing to lead my life and not be mommies dearest good girl. Funny thing on thanksgiving (last time she text) she claimed that I was her favorite daughter. She had called me that growing up so this seemed so laughable especially since it was thanksgiving and it was her wedding anniversary so I'm sure she was looking for narcissistic supply. She rounded up enough supply at home. I broke free and still working on my letters to no one so I can get all the emotion out.

To add to it I AM HER ONLY DAUGHTER HAHA

Thx BarbBrooklyn

MILArebecca4690, good for you for getting your life back. It's not going to get better. Don't be like me 20 yrs in. High five!

Hi FreeMe- When I was going through a challenging time taking care of both my parents (mom -stroke, dad -dementia) with a dysfunctional marriage thrown in, I found this site so comforting, knowing there were other people out there who were experiencing the same things- fatigue, guilt, anger, anxiety mixed with love for my parents. Reading other people's posts was so helpful.

Believe me when I say you pull back and Mom will have to do for herself. Tell her you need more time to care for disabled child and make sure the others don't feel left out. She will have to do more for herself. Call ur office of aging to see what services they provide. Ours supplies buses for shopping and appts.

I don't know if this helps, but all but one of my grandparents were dead before my parents were 50. My grandmother lived into her 90s, but took care of herself. Of the previous generation, only 1 of 8 great-grandparents lived long enough to see a their own first grandchild. I think that many people didn't care for the aging parents because those parents were already dead. Now, people live so much longer, and with much more complex medical needs.

If not for this website, I would not have had the strength to hold the resolve and boundaries I've slowly put in place for the last 10-15 years after a life of being groomed to take care of my mother. I did a lot of reading about narcissistic people and talked to professionals to support me in reclaiming my life. It still isn't easy. I fight the guilt of wanting to walk away with the sense of duty I have as a daughter. Keep working toward making your life work for you, while making sure that your mother's needs are met, hopefully more and more by the others who can see to her needs. I wish you and everyone here the best. Care giving is a selfless act to which most of us go in to with a giving heart, but we should not be expected to lose ourselves in the process.

I know I’ve touted this book on other posts but I feel very strongly about the tools he gives those who have parents with personality disorders and or dementia. It has helped my stress dealing with my dad! It’s called Loving Hard to Love Parents written by a psychologist who counsels ACODP (adult children of difficult parents) his name is Paul Chavetz PhD. Doesn’t mean you will end up loving them...just how to cope with them.
Reaching for help is the first step. Then making decisions for changes and implementing them. Living in a ground hog day world is not worth it! Best to you.

My situation is somewhat similar, but not entirely. I am the second if seven siblings and the only one who received an education thanks to my mom. My mom never took care of her mom who died alone and never saw my mom after my mom moved to this country in 1962. She did send money to friends sometimes to pay for food. My mom clearly stated that she does not want anything to do with a nursing home. She constantly reminds me that she paid for my private education. She lived with me this year for a few months during which time I had no life. I contacted my older sister and informed her that we will take turns looking after her and I so informed my mom. Other ungrateful siblings want nothing to do with her. All I can say to you is that somehow you need some "me" time in order to keep your sanity. Perhaps the city where you reside offer home help on a temporary basis? Good luck!

Free me, I was in similar situation, we moved in to my mothers house to help her, I was running between her house and mine all hrs of day and night. This solution seemed like an answer, it was for awhile but then I realized how stupid it was, but that's water under the bridge. We had to deal with situation, my siblings stopped talking th me and very spoaradically her, that's a whole book in itself. It has been rough 14 yrs, we finally had to get aides to help, started out few hrs a day but when I was getting up 2-3 times a night with her and then had to work in am I waved the flag and we got 24 hr help. It improved, but she was still yelling my name as soon as I got one foot in the door. My husband had major unexpected heart surgery one yr ago, she pushed the limits when she refused to go to the Day center that she went to the one day I didn't have aides. She wanted me to choose, be with my husband who was in cardiac icy or stay with her. She lost, she ended up falling and I called 911, nothing wrong with her but I couldn't do this anymore. She ended up in nsg home, she thought for short term, I don't know what I thought. What a weight off my shoulders , it's been a yr, she still thinks I'm looking for help for home , but I see she's better there, she gets up and dressed, puts makeup on, goes for coffee in activities, has friends she talks to, etc. does she still tell me to go to hell, fight with me, tell me I'm no good? Yup but she did that at home too. Do I have guilt a lot of time, yes but my life is better. She still thinks she should come before my husband kids and job but that won't change. My point of all this is, she chose her life's path to some degree now you have to choose yours. It's so very hard but for most of the time even our relationship is better.

The Golden Rule is "First your Marriage, then your Kids, then your Parents." I am an only child, my mother is 93. She uses guilt like a scalpel, calls whenever she needs my intervention in a "crisis," and constantly complains about her AL situation. It took an ultimatum from my wife and good advice on this forum to fight the battle and get her into AL and out of our happy home turned stress pit. Now we are free, she is secretly happy with friends her own age (I have spies everywhere), and I have used the Golden Rule above as my guide and motto for the past year and a half. You should too starting today. Be strong, we all know what you are going through.

I am thanking you so much for posting this! I am getting ready to begin a situation with my Mother that I am not sure I can handle. I need to set boundaries early and not react to her bad attitude. I moved my Dad here a month ago and he is doing great in a nh here. My mom moves here on Monday and has already started drama before she got here about all the crisis going on in her life. I need to learn how to not let her drama bother me so much.

I sure needed to hear the responses to FreeMe’s post. I too am struggling to get out of the toxic FOG with my mother and family. I believe I get the brunt of caregiving because I’m the only daughter and am expected to do it - patriarchal society. This past week while I had my mother in my home I took her to two holiday events. The one evening event I asked for a caregiver. My brother told Visiting Angels not to send one. Bottom line they did not want me to have an evening out on my mother’s dime. My mother said to me and I quote: “if you had kids you would have had to hire a babysitter so same difference.” So I had to pay a caregiver out of my own pocket. BTW I am poor too (no job), don’t know from one month to the next if I’m going to have health insurance (I’m on the ACA) don’t have kids (one adult daughter in CA), I’m 58, struggling to regain life after my husband’s suicide and losing my 33 YO son to cancer. Barb and several others have given good advice. I hope it helps you to know there are many of us struggling with the same issues and know it is not easy!

Historically the child who helped was youngest female - many above say they are youngest or only daughter - they are often the last to leave home

I think some parents start grooming the 'helper child' very young so that they are trained to react to the guilt put upon them - this might be deliberate or not but the result is same

Many of you may already be closing your eyes to think back on how you might have been raised just slightly differently to older or male sibs - does the phrase 'Mary is too young to join you, you'll have to go without her' seem familiar? - here they also put a barrier within the sibling group

Basically selfish people are selfish - start saying NO often - go out & don't you pay for help because YOU don't need it - go away for a few days for peace & let the others pitch in for a change - when they say they went on vacation to such in such place tell them you haven't been away for X years so it's your turn to relax - and go even if it's just to next city get away & let other realize your burden

I have also enjoyed reading everyone's responses here. I was reading that narc. parents tend to raise 1 or 2 "golden children" and 1 or 2 "servant children" to supply their needs of bragging and controlling. Even though my father is in year 3 of the NH, my life still to this day revolves around taking care of his property and cleaning up colossal messes. I look forward to a time when it finally is about me and mine and NOT about him.

Sadly, there really isn't a way you could know what your parents went through with their own parents.

However, it really doesn't matter. When all else fails, remember the Golden Rule.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

We will be judged by our actions and no one else's - so no one else's really matter.

I am sorry you are "the one" as I too was "the one" and I just did what I could but not was was beyond my means.  Almost like a list, but not, "I do what I can do."

Freeme I understand what you are saying, and the life you are living... I offer you my moral support. Being the "oncall" child is difficult. I do not know the answers.

I do know the feelings: the why me, why don't I just back off, why can't I say no.

I also have been dealing with the anger of being manipulated and often wonder why I am so weak.

I don't have the answers, but I sympathize with you.

Dr Phil tells parents of entitled teens and 20+ children.
"She won't change until you do."
Which is basically what everyone is advising and is good advice for any situation where one is seeking change in how another treats us regardless of their age.

One other thought is that you might have a needs assessment done for your mom so you know what is needed and what HER income will provide for her.
I would skip the sibling scenario unless you think they would be a form of support for you. Trying to get someone else to do something isn't what you need. You have enough of that already.
I bet it was a light bulb moment to have your mom say that your needs only count after hers are met. That's a pretty motivating conversation I would think for you to take action.
Good luck and let us hear back from you on how it's going.

BarbBrooklyn is spot on FreeMe! You need to take care of YOU, else you drop over! Quite often, it is one adult child of the aging parents that provides the care. If you cannot do it (since you really have a full plate already), then speak to your siblings.