Why oh WHY do our elders refuse to leave the house?

Kthln - YOU need respite care. This kind of thing will grind you down if you don't put up some boundaries.

So if sister has POA, let her come deal with this while you get some time off. That seems fair to me! No excuses.

There are other choices besides continue marching in this mud or ending it all. If you are interested in really making changes, it is possible. But, you are going to have to expect some protest from dad. It can't be both ways.

1. Get a social worker involved from the agency on aging.
2. Snap out of this "dad won't" rut. If a judge looked at your situation and found that dad wasn't getting proper medical care, the judge will not care that dad was stubborn. There is precedent for this, and you will be held responsible.
3. Sounds like dad needs a 90,000 mile tune up visit with the doctor including a cognitive evaluation. This can open doors for you to get nursing & other skilled care at home, to give you some time off. YOU don't have to be the one funding all this or doing all of it.
4. Dad might qualify for VA benefits or even Medicaid, depending on his $ situation. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PAY FOR THIS. You are shortchanging your own situation by paying yourself.

Sister needs to be in on the talk with the social worker. She needs to be aware of the consequences of withholding access to medical care.

You both have to try a lot harder than this to get dad seen not only by a podiatrist, but by a medical doctor. Stubborn like this is not a normal part of aging, and it sounds like there could be something else going on with dad. If there is, you will want to get on top of it ASAP.

Their house is like a security blanket and they feel safe. Don't push. At 94 he has a right to do as he pleases.

I don't have an answer to your problem but can sympathize. My elderly parents desperately want to be included in family events but with various health issues getting them there is a complicated problem. And once there they can take about an hour of the noise and chaos before wanting to go home. Unless the organizer of the event makes an effort to arrange someone to transport them (which seldom happens) I am usually the go to person to get them there. So now I add an hour before and after the event to my time, plus attending on them during to make sure they get food and drink, and having to listen to all the complaints on the way home to usually spoil the event for me. I love my family but wish there was a way to get them to be more attentive and understanding of their parents and grandparents. Dad has mobility problems so you need to fill and plate and set it in front of him. You need to make sure he gets a supportive chair, you need to make your teenager get up and give them a seat, you need to call and ask if they need a ride. I am beginning to dread family parties because I know I will get little joy out of it. But then I feel guilty when my parents are not included at holidays because I know no one else will take the time to visit them. I am worn out making sure they are included but don't want to be the bad guy pointing out to the rest of my family their faults. There will be a time when the parents are gone and I want to keep on friendly terms with the family.

Amen captain, I'm 60 and if I make it to 94, I will have done all the "stuff" I ever wanted to do. If I have a recliner, I will want to sit in it and have someone do stuff for me!

Because sometimes the idea of the effort involved just makes them tired. Sometimes they don't like the hassle and noise. As my MIL became weaker, the commotion of family dinners was too much. If they missed a dinner, the kids packed food plates and one of them took it to Gma and Gpa, staying to visit. It was sad when they were missing, but we also knew they would want us to enjoy the precious time together. You don't make them do these things - you adapt and think outside the box. We brought the world to her - using our tablets to show her pics of the out of town family or peruse beautiful artwork or show her my garden.

The first couple holidays where a parent opts out are tough, but maybe you could talk with family about a Plan B in case Dad opts out for Christmas. Involve the grandkids - nothing like a grandkid to bring a smile and joy to Gpa.

If you take the word Stubborn out of the picture and look at what is safe or unsafe, what will you do differently? If you look at the situation through the eyes of an Adult Protective Services investigator, what will you do differently?

When I'm old & too senile to know what's good for me, I want my kids to make sure I'm safe, clean, and somewhere good decisions are being made for me. I don't want to be in the way of any of that because I end up stubborn.

As far as the incredible effort required to get ELOs (Elderly Loved Ones) to family get-togethers & holidays, sometimes it is just not worth it anymore and you have to stop doing that. Everybody is in love with the idea of having an old-fashioned family do with all generations present because we were sold this idea on years of watching tv families like The Waltons. In reality, it turns into h_ll for everyone. When that happens, it's time to do things differently. Do what makes sense, not what you think the Waltons would do.

Maybe a group phone call to mom & dad is good enough. Maybe a small group visits mom & dad on a different day. Just step back and look at what makes common sense for everybody.