Why oh WHY do our elders refuse to leave the house?

He's plain scared. People frighten him especially any connected with the medical profession. in the four walls of your home he feels safe and knows the ways of the people who live there and has his own room to retreat too when he gets over whelmed. imagine what happens to a tiny child when you expose them to many new family members who want to hold him and poke and tickle him and bounce him up and down. He screams for his mommy and she has to take him home before he will calm down. yes he's tired but he does not want to take a nap on aunty Flo's strange smelling bed. Old people often feel exactly the same way. they can't remember who half the people are and don't want to join in the jolly celebrations or sit their bony behinds on a hard chair for hours during a long drawn out meal. A bowl of their favorite soup and a bowl of ice cream would suit them fine rather than be urged to try "just a spoonful of this new recipe" Then there may be smoke,which he either hates or is not allowed to light up in the house i can go on and on and the older i get the more i sympathize with people who would rather saty home in familiar surroundings and sit on comfortable chairs and doze of when they feel like it. I will admit to taking a cushion to my favorite resteraunt the other night. I have lost a great deal of weight and the old seat bones are close to the surface now. Admittedly it was a descrete folded neoprene thing that looked like a bag and next to my black hand bag was not noticeable but boy did it make a difference to my enjoyment so in future it is going everywhere.
Talk to the podiatrist office and explain about your dad and ask if there is anyway someone could make a home visit. Even if winter is comming if he won't go out then he can continue to wear his comfy slippers. At 94 he has earned his choices. it is about what he wants not what is good for him.

im kinda bone weary at the age of 56 . let me add 38 yrs to that -- people want me to get out and do " stuff " . stuff sucks , leave me alone .. im gonna sit in my recliner and fart -- and ruminate about how annoying everyone is with their " stuff " ..

empathy = reversing roles in your head ..

The practical solution to your immediate problem is to have a podiatrist come to your home. Mom's had that for 8 or 9 months now. Comes every six weeks like clockwork. The service even keeps track of the six weeks and calls a few days in advance to schedule an appointment. No charge. Medicare pays. I found them through the social workers at my local hospital.

And though you didn't ask about this, I have another service for mom. Her primary care physician makes house calls. He comes once a month or when I call him. He actually most often answers his own cell phone. He's a younger-ish doctor. Mom loves him. No charge. Medicare.

As to why he doesn't want to go out, I'd say those reasons are many-fold. Old people relish routine. I think it makes them feel more in control. When your whole body is falling (has fallen) apart, the less one is reminded the better. Getting dressed differently...all the hub-bub...unable to relax at someone else's home and do exactly what one wants...the noise...the confusion...it's just not WORTH it. He wants to stay at home like Captain!! He's safe...he's comfortable...and he doesn't have to feel like odd man out which is exactly how a very old person can feel at a large gathering. Superfluous.

I don't know how often you gather with family down the street, but now that you know he's resistant, don't even plan to take him. He'll be delighted! Make him a plate and have somebody take it down to him, set up his tray (whatever), give him some milk or ice water (whatever), and go on back to the party.

Ask ahead of time for people in your family to help. This ought to be your family's carefree holiday outing. When it gets dark, have everybody take turns spending an hour with him until the party's over. And one of those "everybodies" is outside your immediate family.

My 87-year-old mom lives with me. We don't have any other family except cousins, really. So we don't go out on holidays anyway. But, I'll tell you what. I don't take her to ANYTHING except her weekly outing to Adult Daycare (which we call The Senior Center so as not to offend mom's sensibilities). And even then, I have Tom (my significant other of 14 years) transport her both ways. (He owns a taxi. I reserve the rides. Mom pays.) Mom's wheelchair bound. The LAST thing I want to do is take her with me to a party.

Years ago, my mother-in-law [who lives elsewhere] told me that she doesn't like traveling anymore because she's afraid something will happen to her and she would be surrounded by people she doesn't know. She said the only way she would get back on a plane would be if she was in handcuffs :0

I never got the jest of what my MIL meant until I had a serious illness a couple of years ago, and then it all fell into place. I've always been a homebody but in the past couple of years I have been making excuses for not wanting to go anywhere. I will go to work and to my volunteer day, but anything else... nope.... as work/volunteer is routine with very little change.

I also think my parents had exhausted me when they stopped driving 6 years ago and I had spoiled them driving them everywhere. Now I hate to drive, and I hate to shop. I now will only drive my parents to doctor appointments and to pick up their groceries [I now order on-line and the groceries are ready for pick-up].

So I understand what some older elders are going through when it comes to getting out of the house.

relatives about killed my aunt at an outdoor 90 birthday party . i tried to tell them she only had an hour or so of energy but they didnt listen . i didnt go to the party -- seriously , keroake under the trees in a crowded park ?
lucky snipers didnt take em all out ..

I'm beginning to understand the folks who take their elderly parent to the dog track and leave 'em there.

If you take the word Stubborn out of the picture and look at what is safe or unsafe, what will you do differently? If you look at the situation through the eyes of an Adult Protective Services investigator, what will you do differently?

When I'm old & too senile to know what's good for me, I want my kids to make sure I'm safe, clean, and somewhere good decisions are being made for me. I don't want to be in the way of any of that because I end up stubborn.

As far as the incredible effort required to get ELOs (Elderly Loved Ones) to family get-togethers & holidays, sometimes it is just not worth it anymore and you have to stop doing that. Everybody is in love with the idea of having an old-fashioned family do with all generations present because we were sold this idea on years of watching tv families like The Waltons. In reality, it turns into h_ll for everyone. When that happens, it's time to do things differently. Do what makes sense, not what you think the Waltons would do.

Maybe a group phone call to mom & dad is good enough. Maybe a small group visits mom & dad on a different day. Just step back and look at what makes common sense for everybody.

Kthln,
The heck with dad's toenails, I am worried about you. You are facing a very difficult situation and are depressed. Please see a therapist, someone to talk to. You need to consider a NH home for dad....a matter of when not if.
Take care
L

Kthln - YOU need respite care. This kind of thing will grind you down if you don't put up some boundaries.

So if sister has POA, let her come deal with this while you get some time off. That seems fair to me! No excuses.

There are other choices besides continue marching in this mud or ending it all. If you are interested in really making changes, it is possible. But, you are going to have to expect some protest from dad. It can't be both ways.

1. Get a social worker involved from the agency on aging.
2. Snap out of this "dad won't" rut. If a judge looked at your situation and found that dad wasn't getting proper medical care, the judge will not care that dad was stubborn. There is precedent for this, and you will be held responsible.
3. Sounds like dad needs a 90,000 mile tune up visit with the doctor including a cognitive evaluation. This can open doors for you to get nursing & other skilled care at home, to give you some time off. YOU don't have to be the one funding all this or doing all of it.
4. Dad might qualify for VA benefits or even Medicaid, depending on his $ situation. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PAY FOR THIS. You are shortchanging your own situation by paying yourself.

Sister needs to be in on the talk with the social worker. She needs to be aware of the consequences of withholding access to medical care.

You both have to try a lot harder than this to get dad seen not only by a podiatrist, but by a medical doctor. Stubborn like this is not a normal part of aging, and it sounds like there could be something else going on with dad. If there is, you will want to get on top of it ASAP.