Why oh WHY do our elders refuse to leave the house?

im kinda bone weary at the age of 56 . let me add 38 yrs to that -- people want me to get out and do " stuff " . stuff sucks , leave me alone .. im gonna sit in my recliner and fart -- and ruminate about how annoying everyone is with their " stuff " ..

empathy = reversing roles in your head ..

Nursing Homes have visiting podiatrists. Maybe you could get one?

He's plain scared. People frighten him especially any connected with the medical profession. in the four walls of your home he feels safe and knows the ways of the people who live there and has his own room to retreat too when he gets over whelmed. imagine what happens to a tiny child when you expose them to many new family members who want to hold him and poke and tickle him and bounce him up and down. He screams for his mommy and she has to take him home before he will calm down. yes he's tired but he does not want to take a nap on aunty Flo's strange smelling bed. Old people often feel exactly the same way. they can't remember who half the people are and don't want to join in the jolly celebrations or sit their bony behinds on a hard chair for hours during a long drawn out meal. A bowl of their favorite soup and a bowl of ice cream would suit them fine rather than be urged to try "just a spoonful of this new recipe" Then there may be smoke,which he either hates or is not allowed to light up in the house i can go on and on and the older i get the more i sympathize with people who would rather saty home in familiar surroundings and sit on comfortable chairs and doze of when they feel like it. I will admit to taking a cushion to my favorite resteraunt the other night. I have lost a great deal of weight and the old seat bones are close to the surface now. Admittedly it was a descrete folded neoprene thing that looked like a bag and next to my black hand bag was not noticeable but boy did it make a difference to my enjoyment so in future it is going everywhere.
Talk to the podiatrist office and explain about your dad and ask if there is anyway someone could make a home visit. Even if winter is comming if he won't go out then he can continue to wear his comfy slippers. At 94 he has earned his choices. it is about what he wants not what is good for him.

The practical solution to your immediate problem is to have a podiatrist come to your home. Mom's had that for 8 or 9 months now. Comes every six weeks like clockwork. The service even keeps track of the six weeks and calls a few days in advance to schedule an appointment. No charge. Medicare pays. I found them through the social workers at my local hospital.

And though you didn't ask about this, I have another service for mom. Her primary care physician makes house calls. He comes once a month or when I call him. He actually most often answers his own cell phone. He's a younger-ish doctor. Mom loves him. No charge. Medicare.

As to why he doesn't want to go out, I'd say those reasons are many-fold. Old people relish routine. I think it makes them feel more in control. When your whole body is falling (has fallen) apart, the less one is reminded the better. Getting dressed differently...all the hub-bub...unable to relax at someone else's home and do exactly what one wants...the noise...the confusion...it's just not WORTH it. He wants to stay at home like Captain!! He's safe...he's comfortable...and he doesn't have to feel like odd man out which is exactly how a very old person can feel at a large gathering. Superfluous.

I don't know how often you gather with family down the street, but now that you know he's resistant, don't even plan to take him. He'll be delighted! Make him a plate and have somebody take it down to him, set up his tray (whatever), give him some milk or ice water (whatever), and go on back to the party.

Ask ahead of time for people in your family to help. This ought to be your family's carefree holiday outing. When it gets dark, have everybody take turns spending an hour with him until the party's over. And one of those "everybodies" is outside your immediate family.

My 87-year-old mom lives with me. We don't have any other family except cousins, really. So we don't go out on holidays anyway. But, I'll tell you what. I don't take her to ANYTHING except her weekly outing to Adult Daycare (which we call The Senior Center so as not to offend mom's sensibilities). And even then, I have Tom (my significant other of 14 years) transport her both ways. (He owns a taxi. I reserve the rides. Mom pays.) Mom's wheelchair bound. The LAST thing I want to do is take her with me to a party.

Home-care physicians - visiting doctors, including podiatrists. If he gets to trust one he may later make the trip to see them, or maybe not.
At some point it's just logistically too difficult to go to the doctor's office & if they live at home there is no alternative.

My mom has a podiatrist who comes to the home. Medicare pays majority of this.

Years ago, my mother-in-law [who lives elsewhere] told me that she doesn't like traveling anymore because she's afraid something will happen to her and she would be surrounded by people she doesn't know. She said the only way she would get back on a plane would be if she was in handcuffs :0

I never got the jest of what my MIL meant until I had a serious illness a couple of years ago, and then it all fell into place. I've always been a homebody but in the past couple of years I have been making excuses for not wanting to go anywhere. I will go to work and to my volunteer day, but anything else... nope.... as work/volunteer is routine with very little change.

I also think my parents had exhausted me when they stopped driving 6 years ago and I had spoiled them driving them everywhere. Now I hate to drive, and I hate to shop. I now will only drive my parents to doctor appointments and to pick up their groceries [I now order on-line and the groceries are ready for pick-up].

So I understand what some older elders are going through when it comes to getting out of the house.

relatives about killed my aunt at an outdoor 90 birthday party . i tried to tell them she only had an hour or so of energy but they didnt listen . i didnt go to the party -- seriously , keroake under the trees in a crowded park ?
lucky snipers didnt take em all out ..

Well ya know what? Medicare won't pay squat for any of this and although I do not mind laying out the $$ to have the service performed; trying to gauge dad's behavior on the day the service is scheduled to be performed is a different story. It sound like whining and poor-poor-pitiful me but we are very short on money and simply cannot afford to blow $$ on something that dad will flatly refuse to submit to.

Basically, I hate my life. I see no end to this caregiving; it will go on likely for at least 10 more years while my husband and I grow more and more destitute; I grow more and more mentally depressed and I end up doing myself in. I think about it all the time. This is no way to live. My parents are doing well; I am sick to death of those who treat me like a witch because "you're not doing right by your parents,". I do right by my parents. They get nutritious food before me; they get sufficient clothing before me; they get whatever they need before I consider myself. The only other person I put before then is my 20 year old college daughter. Otherwise my life is totally expendable. Someone could easily step in and do what I do; they just don't want to. The time is coming where I am getting sooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of being alive. I just wish I had the nerve to end it all NOW.

kthln3, yes there is an end to the heavy Caregiving you are currently doing.... I just read your profile, you already have your mother in a nursing home because of major health issues plus memory issues, so why can't you place your dad [who has major memory issues/outbursts/etc.] into the same facility?

They don't like to leave the house because it gives them less control and they fear or dread unfamiliar surroundings; including neighbors or family homes in which they may have one time been familiar. The constant small talk, noise, activity, everyone talking at once is exhausting for elder.

They don't want to have to be on their best behavior or pretend all is okay as they age--again, they find it exhausting and they don't have the attention span or energy to endure hours of visiting.

Do yourself and the elder a favor and leave them home. Invite a few family members over before or after for short visit and celebration -- maybe a couple hours, then leave elder at home, in respite or hire a caregiver or neighbor willing to come and sit with elder while your away.

This is what I do with my mom. The getting ready, anxiousness, preparation is exhausting to both of us and neither us has a good time.

freqflyer, dad will not go into the facility; he won't even visit mom with us. He has terrible nightmares about being "institutionalized", and as long as he can walk on his own, toilet himself & his appetite is fairly good (we give him Boost to supplement his meals; he's a picky eater) we want to keep him at home. He would not do well in the facility; mom is content there but her mind is completely gone. Dad still has enough facilities that he would rebel. Thank you for your advice, however. I appreciate your concern. Sometimes it feels like I get more empathy from friends and strangers than family! Yours is gratefully received.

If your dad is diabetic and gangrene sets in, then there is an amputation in his future and a Nursing Home on Medicaid. It's his choice but don't let it destroy you.
Those who judge you know nothing but would judge regardless. F them!
Depending on what state you live in - you can resign.
You really need to speak to some professionals. Area Agency on Aging in your region would be a good place to start. Please start now.

Part of it is that he's probably comfortable with what he knows - what he knows is his own house, his daily routine, where his things are at. No-one probably bothers him. He might be afraid of change or just unwilling to change. He possibly doesn't see any reason to change.

Human beings don't tend to like change - it's just that it becomes more noticeable for many people as they get older.

LearningCurve, dad is not diabetic, thankfully; so that is one worry I don't have to deal with.

I'm beginning to understand the folks who take their elderly parent to the dog track and leave 'em there.

Sodonewithsal1, a good dark LAUGH over that comment; my biggest fear is turning into my parents: either 91 and completely without coherent thought, unable to walk, incontinent but with a strong heart that keeps on ticking...forced to live my remaining days out in a NH. Or my dad, 94, still at home and cared for my by husband and I; dementia ridden, downright MEAN when he wants to be (and yes, I understand its the confusion & dementia that causes this; doesn't make it any easier when one is actively dealing with it however) and utterly hopeless without our round the clock care.

I have told our one child that if I live this long and get this bad I want to be thrown into any old nursing home--the more negligent the better, for perhaps a quick death will be my salvation--and she is to move to the other side of the country. I want no guilt, no visits, no NOTHING. All my parents have is my husband, sister, cousin and I. The guilt between the 4 of us is overwhelming that we don't do enough. I have absolutely NO LIFE outside of cleaning house, cooking meals and going to my part time job; my friends are nonexistent and I cannot blame them. Caregiving is horrid. I want to either die young or just be left so my daughter can remember the good times and get on with her life.

mum wont eat properly,get her bloods done,see her doc take her meds properly,wash much,go to diabetic clinic,go to daycare BUT you cannot stop her when its time for her feet???????? yep shes up dressed make-up out the door? The podiatrist tells her over and over she has lovely feet nicest feet hes ever seen AND i have to say she does have lovely petite perfectly formed feet! I know the reason she dosnt have a problem with a podiatrist is HE cannot put her in a home she even told me this when i asked her why no docs but she will go to him? mums only 77yrs old so yes i can imagine at 94 going out sucks! A home visit is the best advice mum has to have regular feet inspections with diabetes so its important to keep them healthy!

kazzaa, thanks for the comic relief. A home visit isn't covered by Medicare; my sister is the POA & controls the $$ and will not allow it as she feels once the home visit person comes dad will refuse to allow them to do their task. And of course she has "no time" to be here if we were to do this. It is the best solution; I totally agree. At this rate mom, dad and the 16 year old dog are going to outlive me. Hooray! Then I'll get my reprieve!

Gosh ktlin you dont presume like your sister does? we try and yes if he refuses then thats that? it costs 25euros to have someone come here and cut toenails even a beautician would do it BUT not for a diabetic as any cut can be dangerous yes lucky mum gets this free as shes diabetic but gosh your sister needs to flash a bit of cash at least try does she know about fungal infections? Does threatening dad with a home scare him into doing things? sometimes it works with mum but i guess your dad is a bit further advanced with this illness.
I dont know sometimes i think about drugging them cut thier toenails then theyd never know? I can just about handle all with mums hygiene but i have a thing about feet and i know i just couldnt do it which is how i know now how much its costs for a home visit! maybe its mums vanity that makes her go! men arent that vain i guess! You could try a nurse to call? then do they do this? yep its a tough one bar doing it while hes asleep? gosh the problems ahead of me forewarned is forearmed! things come up on this site everyday that just wow me as you just dont think of them happening but its all good preparation for whats ahead!
Ktlin i think i would just grab his foot and get clipping this would frustrate anyone i remember my mum grabbing my feet when i was younger as i hated my feet been touched her cold hands AHH! but i suppose like us caregivers she lost it and just grabbed the feet! so much easier with a child we cant answer back!

I, myself, am old. Never mind that my mother is in the NH and she is old too. More and more I have trouble socializing, and small talk. It makes me feel anxious.
So I know how it it with the elderly.

Kthln, how does your father get along with outsiders - like a visiting podiatrist, but also nurses, delivery men, postmen and so on - when they come to the house? Is he reasonably sociable, does he say good morning and pass the time of day, or does he keep a low profile and try to avoid them?

I'm just wondering, if he is comparatively jovial with outsiders, if a good, public-spirited, burly cab driver might have more luck cajoling your father into a vehicle than you or your husband do. It would cost, but you could always make this special "ride" part of the occasion perhaps?

Other than that, I share your frustration - mother squatted in her chair like a frog in a swamp last week and stopped us all going out for lunch, so I ended up fuming and scratching together lunch for seven - but I don't have any answers. It's one thing when they can stop at home and everyone else can carry on regardless; but it's bloody irritating when they can't safely be left to their own devices.

My dad is actually CHARMING as all get-out with strangers but the problem is he simply will not leave the house. Period. Not even to sit in the back yard. Nothing. It is a miracle to get him to change his clothes; as I am only working part time and stuck here with him it is making my depression worse. And worse than that I am getting angry and agitated at the world.

ktlin ive tried everything with mum so now i let her be its hard but i had to just let her be for my own sanity she dosnt want to go out then its easier that i dont make her im done trying its sad but its a huge part of this illness they have a "comfort zone" and mums is her chair in the tv room there shes happy and content so i dont try anymore she will go out when she wants not when i ask her to. Yes sometimes you have to hold your hands up and say ok let them be! hes happy and safe where he is so you cant change that its sad but mums happier at home going out now i think is too much for her people shops she dosnt enjoy it anymore i think its a struggle for her now!

Kazzaa, I am so tired of being out with my parents as they love to shop.... so I am now the one with the "comfort zone" right here in front of my computer at home :)

Once I get home from the day at the office, wild horses couldn't drag me out.... unless it was Antonio Banderas in the "Mask of Zorro" on his horse :P

KTHLN, It sounds to me like YOU need to visit a doctor before you worry about you dad and his feet. You appear to be coming to the end of your rope, and that's OK. I know how hard it is to deal with elderly parents and/or in-laws.

Now, a couple of questions: Have you ASKED your parent(s) why they don't want to leave the house? I care for my 90-year-old parents and they don't want to go anywhere because it is too tiring and it hurts too much (knee and foot pain). Frankly, no matter the reason for the outing, very few things are worth it, and they are exhausted for a day or two afterward. Sounds like Dad's foot trouble bothers you more than it does him. He's content in his slippers. So is my Dad.

OK, let's move on to the broader issue here, which is you being at the end of your rope. You need a break, and you need for someone else to take this responsibility for a while. Is assisted living an option? Some places will take short-term residents, if you need a break to take a long vacation, for example. Are they at the point where they need the kind of 24 hour care a nursing home would provide? Again, maybe you could find one to take them for a month or so while you get some much needed rest.

Realistically, if they are 94, they won't be around for 10 years, but you need a break NOW. Any sibs? Friends from church who could help out?

In the Ten Commandments, God told us to "honor thy father and thy mother." He did not tell us we have to sacrifice our own lives amd families for them.

Please take a few moments and call your local Area Agency on Aging to ask what services they can offer you as a caregiver. They may have funded respite care, home delivered meals, etc. If you do not know how to contact them, you may call the Elder Care Locator at 800-677-1116, and they will put you in touch with local aging services. And also you may want to find a counselor who can help you work through your feelings. Your life is a precious gift from your Creator who loves and cares for you! You may call 800-784-2433 and you will be routed to the nearest crisis center.

Kazzaa - Very keen observation regarding the podiatrist.
I have given up on outside Dr. visits for my mom. It's just too difficult for either of us and our winters here can be brutal. Her recent decline has been quite drastic but she is 94 now and to be expected. I have been very fortunate to get a good homecare physician & podiatrist.
kthln3 - Been there with the reprieve thing. I hope all this passes before we do. We are deserving of a life just as much as anyone else.

Kthln,
The heck with dad's toenails, I am worried about you. You are facing a very difficult situation and are depressed. Please see a therapist, someone to talk to. You need to consider a NH home for dad....a matter of when not if.
Take care
L