Why oh WHY do our elders refuse to leave the house?

If you take the word Stubborn out of the picture and look at what is safe or unsafe, what will you do differently? If you look at the situation through the eyes of an Adult Protective Services investigator, what will you do differently?

When I'm old & too senile to know what's good for me, I want my kids to make sure I'm safe, clean, and somewhere good decisions are being made for me. I don't want to be in the way of any of that because I end up stubborn.

As far as the incredible effort required to get ELOs (Elderly Loved Ones) to family get-togethers & holidays, sometimes it is just not worth it anymore and you have to stop doing that. Everybody is in love with the idea of having an old-fashioned family do with all generations present because we were sold this idea on years of watching tv families like The Waltons. In reality, it turns into h_ll for everyone. When that happens, it's time to do things differently. Do what makes sense, not what you think the Waltons would do.

Maybe a group phone call to mom & dad is good enough. Maybe a small group visits mom & dad on a different day. Just step back and look at what makes common sense for everybody.

Because sometimes the idea of the effort involved just makes them tired. Sometimes they don't like the hassle and noise. As my MIL became weaker, the commotion of family dinners was too much. If they missed a dinner, the kids packed food plates and one of them took it to Gma and Gpa, staying to visit. It was sad when they were missing, but we also knew they would want us to enjoy the precious time together. You don't make them do these things - you adapt and think outside the box. We brought the world to her - using our tablets to show her pics of the out of town family or peruse beautiful artwork or show her my garden.

The first couple holidays where a parent opts out are tough, but maybe you could talk with family about a Plan B in case Dad opts out for Christmas. Involve the grandkids - nothing like a grandkid to bring a smile and joy to Gpa.

Amen captain, I'm 60 and if I make it to 94, I will have done all the "stuff" I ever wanted to do. If I have a recliner, I will want to sit in it and have someone do stuff for me!

I don't have an answer to your problem but can sympathize. My elderly parents desperately want to be included in family events but with various health issues getting them there is a complicated problem. And once there they can take about an hour of the noise and chaos before wanting to go home. Unless the organizer of the event makes an effort to arrange someone to transport them (which seldom happens) I am usually the go to person to get them there. So now I add an hour before and after the event to my time, plus attending on them during to make sure they get food and drink, and having to listen to all the complaints on the way home to usually spoil the event for me. I love my family but wish there was a way to get them to be more attentive and understanding of their parents and grandparents. Dad has mobility problems so you need to fill and plate and set it in front of him. You need to make sure he gets a supportive chair, you need to make your teenager get up and give them a seat, you need to call and ask if they need a ride. I am beginning to dread family parties because I know I will get little joy out of it. But then I feel guilty when my parents are not included at holidays because I know no one else will take the time to visit them. I am worn out making sure they are included but don't want to be the bad guy pointing out to the rest of my family their faults. There will be a time when the parents are gone and I want to keep on friendly terms with the family.

Their house is like a security blanket and they feel safe. Don't push. At 94 he has a right to do as he pleases.

Kthln - YOU need respite care. This kind of thing will grind you down if you don't put up some boundaries.

So if sister has POA, let her come deal with this while you get some time off. That seems fair to me! No excuses.

There are other choices besides continue marching in this mud or ending it all. If you are interested in really making changes, it is possible. But, you are going to have to expect some protest from dad. It can't be both ways.

1. Get a social worker involved from the agency on aging.
2. Snap out of this "dad won't" rut. If a judge looked at your situation and found that dad wasn't getting proper medical care, the judge will not care that dad was stubborn. There is precedent for this, and you will be held responsible.
3. Sounds like dad needs a 90,000 mile tune up visit with the doctor including a cognitive evaluation. This can open doors for you to get nursing & other skilled care at home, to give you some time off. YOU don't have to be the one funding all this or doing all of it.
4. Dad might qualify for VA benefits or even Medicaid, depending on his $ situation. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PAY FOR THIS. You are shortchanging your own situation by paying yourself.

Sister needs to be in on the talk with the social worker. She needs to be aware of the consequences of withholding access to medical care.

You both have to try a lot harder than this to get dad seen not only by a podiatrist, but by a medical doctor. Stubborn like this is not a normal part of aging, and it sounds like there could be something else going on with dad. If there is, you will want to get on top of it ASAP.

Kthln,
The heck with dad's toenails, I am worried about you. You are facing a very difficult situation and are depressed. Please see a therapist, someone to talk to. You need to consider a NH home for dad....a matter of when not if.
Take care
L

Kazzaa - Very keen observation regarding the podiatrist.
I have given up on outside Dr. visits for my mom. It's just too difficult for either of us and our winters here can be brutal. Her recent decline has been quite drastic but she is 94 now and to be expected. I have been very fortunate to get a good homecare physician & podiatrist.
kthln3 - Been there with the reprieve thing. I hope all this passes before we do. We are deserving of a life just as much as anyone else.

Please take a few moments and call your local Area Agency on Aging to ask what services they can offer you as a caregiver. They may have funded respite care, home delivered meals, etc. If you do not know how to contact them, you may call the Elder Care Locator at 800-677-1116, and they will put you in touch with local aging services. And also you may want to find a counselor who can help you work through your feelings. Your life is a precious gift from your Creator who loves and cares for you! You may call 800-784-2433 and you will be routed to the nearest crisis center.

KTHLN, It sounds to me like YOU need to visit a doctor before you worry about you dad and his feet. You appear to be coming to the end of your rope, and that's OK. I know how hard it is to deal with elderly parents and/or in-laws.

Now, a couple of questions: Have you ASKED your parent(s) why they don't want to leave the house? I care for my 90-year-old parents and they don't want to go anywhere because it is too tiring and it hurts too much (knee and foot pain). Frankly, no matter the reason for the outing, very few things are worth it, and they are exhausted for a day or two afterward. Sounds like Dad's foot trouble bothers you more than it does him. He's content in his slippers. So is my Dad.

OK, let's move on to the broader issue here, which is you being at the end of your rope. You need a break, and you need for someone else to take this responsibility for a while. Is assisted living an option? Some places will take short-term residents, if you need a break to take a long vacation, for example. Are they at the point where they need the kind of 24 hour care a nursing home would provide? Again, maybe you could find one to take them for a month or so while you get some much needed rest.

Realistically, if they are 94, they won't be around for 10 years, but you need a break NOW. Any sibs? Friends from church who could help out?

In the Ten Commandments, God told us to "honor thy father and thy mother." He did not tell us we have to sacrifice our own lives amd families for them.

Kazzaa, I am so tired of being out with my parents as they love to shop.... so I am now the one with the "comfort zone" right here in front of my computer at home :)

Once I get home from the day at the office, wild horses couldn't drag me out.... unless it was Antonio Banderas in the "Mask of Zorro" on his horse :P

ktlin ive tried everything with mum so now i let her be its hard but i had to just let her be for my own sanity she dosnt want to go out then its easier that i dont make her im done trying its sad but its a huge part of this illness they have a "comfort zone" and mums is her chair in the tv room there shes happy and content so i dont try anymore she will go out when she wants not when i ask her to. Yes sometimes you have to hold your hands up and say ok let them be! hes happy and safe where he is so you cant change that its sad but mums happier at home going out now i think is too much for her people shops she dosnt enjoy it anymore i think its a struggle for her now!

My dad is actually CHARMING as all get-out with strangers but the problem is he simply will not leave the house. Period. Not even to sit in the back yard. Nothing. It is a miracle to get him to change his clothes; as I am only working part time and stuck here with him it is making my depression worse. And worse than that I am getting angry and agitated at the world.

Kthln, how does your father get along with outsiders - like a visiting podiatrist, but also nurses, delivery men, postmen and so on - when they come to the house? Is he reasonably sociable, does he say good morning and pass the time of day, or does he keep a low profile and try to avoid them?

I'm just wondering, if he is comparatively jovial with outsiders, if a good, public-spirited, burly cab driver might have more luck cajoling your father into a vehicle than you or your husband do. It would cost, but you could always make this special "ride" part of the occasion perhaps?

Other than that, I share your frustration - mother squatted in her chair like a frog in a swamp last week and stopped us all going out for lunch, so I ended up fuming and scratching together lunch for seven - but I don't have any answers. It's one thing when they can stop at home and everyone else can carry on regardless; but it's bloody irritating when they can't safely be left to their own devices.

I, myself, am old. Never mind that my mother is in the NH and she is old too. More and more I have trouble socializing, and small talk. It makes me feel anxious.
So I know how it it with the elderly.

Gosh ktlin you dont presume like your sister does? we try and yes if he refuses then thats that? it costs 25euros to have someone come here and cut toenails even a beautician would do it BUT not for a diabetic as any cut can be dangerous yes lucky mum gets this free as shes diabetic but gosh your sister needs to flash a bit of cash at least try does she know about fungal infections? Does threatening dad with a home scare him into doing things? sometimes it works with mum but i guess your dad is a bit further advanced with this illness.
I dont know sometimes i think about drugging them cut thier toenails then theyd never know? I can just about handle all with mums hygiene but i have a thing about feet and i know i just couldnt do it which is how i know now how much its costs for a home visit! maybe its mums vanity that makes her go! men arent that vain i guess! You could try a nurse to call? then do they do this? yep its a tough one bar doing it while hes asleep? gosh the problems ahead of me forewarned is forearmed! things come up on this site everyday that just wow me as you just dont think of them happening but its all good preparation for whats ahead!
Ktlin i think i would just grab his foot and get clipping this would frustrate anyone i remember my mum grabbing my feet when i was younger as i hated my feet been touched her cold hands AHH! but i suppose like us caregivers she lost it and just grabbed the feet! so much easier with a child we cant answer back!

kazzaa, thanks for the comic relief. A home visit isn't covered by Medicare; my sister is the POA & controls the $$ and will not allow it as she feels once the home visit person comes dad will refuse to allow them to do their task. And of course she has "no time" to be here if we were to do this. It is the best solution; I totally agree. At this rate mom, dad and the 16 year old dog are going to outlive me. Hooray! Then I'll get my reprieve!

mum wont eat properly,get her bloods done,see her doc take her meds properly,wash much,go to diabetic clinic,go to daycare BUT you cannot stop her when its time for her feet???????? yep shes up dressed make-up out the door? The podiatrist tells her over and over she has lovely feet nicest feet hes ever seen AND i have to say she does have lovely petite perfectly formed feet! I know the reason she dosnt have a problem with a podiatrist is HE cannot put her in a home she even told me this when i asked her why no docs but she will go to him? mums only 77yrs old so yes i can imagine at 94 going out sucks! A home visit is the best advice mum has to have regular feet inspections with diabetes so its important to keep them healthy!

Sodonewithsal1, a good dark LAUGH over that comment; my biggest fear is turning into my parents: either 91 and completely without coherent thought, unable to walk, incontinent but with a strong heart that keeps on ticking...forced to live my remaining days out in a NH. Or my dad, 94, still at home and cared for my by husband and I; dementia ridden, downright MEAN when he wants to be (and yes, I understand its the confusion & dementia that causes this; doesn't make it any easier when one is actively dealing with it however) and utterly hopeless without our round the clock care.

I have told our one child that if I live this long and get this bad I want to be thrown into any old nursing home--the more negligent the better, for perhaps a quick death will be my salvation--and she is to move to the other side of the country. I want no guilt, no visits, no NOTHING. All my parents have is my husband, sister, cousin and I. The guilt between the 4 of us is overwhelming that we don't do enough. I have absolutely NO LIFE outside of cleaning house, cooking meals and going to my part time job; my friends are nonexistent and I cannot blame them. Caregiving is horrid. I want to either die young or just be left so my daughter can remember the good times and get on with her life.

I'm beginning to understand the folks who take their elderly parent to the dog track and leave 'em there.

LearningCurve, dad is not diabetic, thankfully; so that is one worry I don't have to deal with.

Part of it is that he's probably comfortable with what he knows - what he knows is his own house, his daily routine, where his things are at. No-one probably bothers him. He might be afraid of change or just unwilling to change. He possibly doesn't see any reason to change.

Human beings don't tend to like change - it's just that it becomes more noticeable for many people as they get older.

If your dad is diabetic and gangrene sets in, then there is an amputation in his future and a Nursing Home on Medicaid. It's his choice but don't let it destroy you.
Those who judge you know nothing but would judge regardless. F them!
Depending on what state you live in - you can resign.
You really need to speak to some professionals. Area Agency on Aging in your region would be a good place to start. Please start now.

freqflyer, dad will not go into the facility; he won't even visit mom with us. He has terrible nightmares about being "institutionalized", and as long as he can walk on his own, toilet himself & his appetite is fairly good (we give him Boost to supplement his meals; he's a picky eater) we want to keep him at home. He would not do well in the facility; mom is content there but her mind is completely gone. Dad still has enough facilities that he would rebel. Thank you for your advice, however. I appreciate your concern. Sometimes it feels like I get more empathy from friends and strangers than family! Yours is gratefully received.

They don't like to leave the house because it gives them less control and they fear or dread unfamiliar surroundings; including neighbors or family homes in which they may have one time been familiar. The constant small talk, noise, activity, everyone talking at once is exhausting for elder.

They don't want to have to be on their best behavior or pretend all is okay as they age--again, they find it exhausting and they don't have the attention span or energy to endure hours of visiting.

Do yourself and the elder a favor and leave them home. Invite a few family members over before or after for short visit and celebration -- maybe a couple hours, then leave elder at home, in respite or hire a caregiver or neighbor willing to come and sit with elder while your away.

This is what I do with my mom. The getting ready, anxiousness, preparation is exhausting to both of us and neither us has a good time.

kthln3, yes there is an end to the heavy Caregiving you are currently doing.... I just read your profile, you already have your mother in a nursing home because of major health issues plus memory issues, so why can't you place your dad [who has major memory issues/outbursts/etc.] into the same facility?

Well ya know what? Medicare won't pay squat for any of this and although I do not mind laying out the $$ to have the service performed; trying to gauge dad's behavior on the day the service is scheduled to be performed is a different story. It sound like whining and poor-poor-pitiful me but we are very short on money and simply cannot afford to blow $$ on something that dad will flatly refuse to submit to.

Basically, I hate my life. I see no end to this caregiving; it will go on likely for at least 10 more years while my husband and I grow more and more destitute; I grow more and more mentally depressed and I end up doing myself in. I think about it all the time. This is no way to live. My parents are doing well; I am sick to death of those who treat me like a witch because "you're not doing right by your parents,". I do right by my parents. They get nutritious food before me; they get sufficient clothing before me; they get whatever they need before I consider myself. The only other person I put before then is my 20 year old college daughter. Otherwise my life is totally expendable. Someone could easily step in and do what I do; they just don't want to. The time is coming where I am getting sooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of being alive. I just wish I had the nerve to end it all NOW.

relatives about killed my aunt at an outdoor 90 birthday party . i tried to tell them she only had an hour or so of energy but they didnt listen . i didnt go to the party -- seriously , keroake under the trees in a crowded park ?
lucky snipers didnt take em all out ..

Years ago, my mother-in-law [who lives elsewhere] told me that she doesn't like traveling anymore because she's afraid something will happen to her and she would be surrounded by people she doesn't know. She said the only way she would get back on a plane would be if she was in handcuffs :0

I never got the jest of what my MIL meant until I had a serious illness a couple of years ago, and then it all fell into place. I've always been a homebody but in the past couple of years I have been making excuses for not wanting to go anywhere. I will go to work and to my volunteer day, but anything else... nope.... as work/volunteer is routine with very little change.

I also think my parents had exhausted me when they stopped driving 6 years ago and I had spoiled them driving them everywhere. Now I hate to drive, and I hate to shop. I now will only drive my parents to doctor appointments and to pick up their groceries [I now order on-line and the groceries are ready for pick-up].

So I understand what some older elders are going through when it comes to getting out of the house.

My mom has a podiatrist who comes to the home. Medicare pays majority of this.