Elderly in-law care. Any tips to deal with this?

BTW, I never did get my m-i-l in a nursing home. She was difficult to the very end.

Well, it has been well over a year since I posted this first comment. My mom has been gone since June 2014, I still miss her terribly, and to be honest, I wish she were still here and I her caregiver. I feel empty and lost. Bur, I shall move forward. My mother in law passed away just in February. and it has been a big weight released. The atmosphere in the house is much lighter and calmer. My father in law is still with us, and requires care, but my husband knows I'm going to be a 24 hr. care giver. I fix him breakfast and dinner. I do the important errands for him, but I'm not going to be responsible for more than that.I have compassion on all caregivers out there. Most of the time it's not a choice, and others just expect it out of you with no consideration or gratitude. That has been the case with my in laws. Take care, caregivers, don't be so hard on yourselves..

Transferring ownership of the policy..still chugging forward.

Drats!..snag in nursing facility..Again, I, as the daughter-in-law..have been pulling all the paperwork, and all essentials together for the nursing facility..and Boom! m-i-l has a life insurance policy with a cash value of 2500.00. Puts her over the limit for Medicaid. Needless to say, I'm over these bumps in the road.

I'm so glad your husband finally relented to finding a facility for his mother. Caregiving is hard work, even if you don't work outside the home (and sometimes even harder when you can't leave to go to work every day!) Doing the leg work to find a facility is tough, but it's best to visit several facilities to see which one best fits your needs. Go unannounced, just sit in the lobby and see what goes on. Then, call and ask for a tour. And...have your husband READ everything he signs when signing her in. My inlaws both live with us, MIL is partially paralyzed from a stroke but the sweetest person on earth. She's 85 and still has her witts about her. She is thankful for everything I do for her, I love her like my own mother and will care for her as long as I can. My FIL has ALZ, and exhibits stage 6 (hallucinations, delusions, won't shower, is combative, extreme memory loss getting worse daily) and has a pacemaker. I work, my husband is retired and cares for them during the day. I work from 05:30 to 9:00pm caring for them and going to work 9-5 daily. It's exhausting but rewarding most of the time, but I'm not sure how long my husband and I can take care of FIL, every day is a constant fight, he talks to people that aren't there, hits and yells, etc. It all is stressful, but I mostly let my husband deal with his father. My own mother is 72 and still drives, lives independently and can do everything for herself. My father just passed a few months ago, and I feel guilty that I spend my days caring for my inlaws and can't care for her when she needs it, but my sister lives a few miles away and does everything she needs. If my mother ever needs a place to live vs nursing home, I would bring her to my home. Hugs to you!

Your husband is giving and caring...and stays late at work every night? While you care for your mom and both his parents AND your mom? There's something wrong with this picture.

Glad to her MIL will be in NH.. Time for 2 for plan.. Put FIL in same NH now..

Are you suppose to wear yourself to the bone careing for him? He's going to eventually end up there after you're not around to help him...

Ziggie I'm amazed and impressed that you're still standing and haven't throttled anyone! You must take after your sweet-natured mother :) I hope it goes smoothly for you from here, and that you find a place for your in-laws that you're all happy with. Best of luck xxx

"my husband finally gave in to realizing that a nursing facility is what's best for his mother.."

Well, that's a relief. I'm glad he...finally...got it, Zig. Let's hope the man isn't as clueless about everything else.

Oh, the hubs isn't hearing you? Let's see how loudly you have to say DIVORCE before he pays attention. If a husband put this on me, knowing I already took care of my own mom, I'd have him for dinner and spit out the bones. This mess is like being tortured. It gets to the point where one person can't take care of one person, let alone one person being able to take care of three! That is just a flat out ridiculous expectation to have of anyone. All of these people would know how I felt about being placed in this position, no holds barred.

Tell your husband that you're about to talk to a divorce attorney. Yes indeed, you're willing to bail before you continue on as his entire families personal pack mule another minute of another day. Tell him that you'll be draining half his bank account when you go and that he can d**n well use the other half to HIRE and PAY someone to start dealing with his parents. Inform him that you really aren't willing to DIE for him, or his family and if that's what's expected, he and his loser family can kiss your ass.

And mean it.

Good first move. The next time fil falls call 911. Make sure they take him to hospital and determine what level of care he needs and don't say "I'll do it"

Ziggie, so happy to hear hubby relented to mom, 1 down, 1 to go.

Well, here it is April..after many arguments with my husband, the mil being off her rocker many days in a row, my sister in law coming down to Fl., and my father in law falling down, and my husband having to pick him up...my husband finally gave in to realizing that a nursing facility is what's best for his mother..I'm having to do all the leg work and paper work...but I found a facility..it's been a long, miserable, tiring road, but I see light at the end of the tunnel. ;)

time for the other children to step up.. financially or time wise. You are spread way to thin. Time for your husband to be a "giving and careing" hubs ! Pick a date for a meeting and a resolution.. and stick to it

Thank you all so much for your kind input..My husband is such a giving and caring man, I think he only sees this situation as through the eyes of a son and not a husband. I told him it is past time for his mother at least to put in a care facility, and he said he won't do that to her. I can see his point only in the fact I could not do that to my mom either. I have put a call in to another family member as of today, hopefully something will come of it..at this point, I'm more concerned about my mind than my body..:)...will keep you updated..this site has helped me immensely..thank you.

Oh my Lord! Honey, it's time for someone else to take over the duties of caring for your in-laws. You are in an extreme situation. Tell husband that he needs to decide, with his family, where their mum and dad will live. You've sacrificed enough. Focus on the time you have left with your mom.

This is unreal. Eight kids and a daughter in law is called upon to care for the parents. You need to have a meeting with husband and all his siblings and let them know you have your OWN mother to worry about. You can no longer be their slave.

Why would they do this to you? If something can't be done by another child then it is time for Assisted Living or alternative living. Your husband must be taking you for granted.

When I married my husband he let me know that in-laws are in-laws. They are not included in any family matters, any financial information, nothing. So many, many years later when his mother became ill, of course, one of his sisters asked me to quit my job and come down (a two hour drive) and help. They needed help. Now these people had ample money to hire a caregiver. But they were cheap and would rather have their daughter in laws, who were never included in family issues, help with the dirty work. I said, NO. And I never regretted it.

They are taking advantage of you. Make them stop.

This is the understatement of the year, "but I must admit, I do get tired". Get tired? You should be collapsed in a heap in the corner with all of the responsibility your husband's family has heaped upon you! No one can change the situation but you, because everyone else is happy with the way things are. And why shouldn't they be? You're doing all of the work and taking all of the responsibility.

Take a stand and get some help. I'd vote for getting MIL and FIL out of your home and into a facility. It sounds like your dear momma may be leaving this world before long - I'm sorry about that, she sounds like a wonderful woman. Get your husband to step up to the plate to accept his responsibility to take care of HIS parents. Good luck and keep us posted...

I am sure your in-laws collect social security and most of this money needs to go to you/husband for their care. That way you can hire some help and feed them. Why should you foot the bill for everything without any help from anyone else in the family? Then you tell your husband you can no longer care for his parents, have HIM find another solution and you do whatever you want. Trust me, when push comes to shove, if your husband loves you and wants you for more than a housekeeper, then see what he does about HIS responsibility. Take a stand and don't back down. Best of luck to you!

i quite agree with pstegman -- you are kind hearted but being abused on every level.

Tell your husband you are DONE with this, that it is time for his parents to go into a nursing home. You can only be a doormat if you let people walk all over you. With 3 seniors on the property you should have a full time aide and a weekly visiting nurse. Caregivers often die before their patients do and you are at extreme risk with the present situation.