My mother complains about things that happen in the nursing home. How do we know who is right?

Regarding...."If possible, put a video camera in her room so you can observe what is going on." Can we do that? How?
My Dad says that at night the male aides rough him up and he gets in big trouble for pulling the cord for assistance.

Years ago, when mom had her first rehab visit, she was doing the same thing. Telling me that she was telling people in the place about her "problems" but nothing would get done. I had to lure it out of her of who she told these things to. She would say she told the male or female nursing assistant that was caring for her. Then he would came in and I would question him and he would say "no never said anything to me". I wondered also what was going on - until a week later, the maintenance man came in to work on her phone and mom said "he's the nice man I was telling you about that I told my "problems" to". I said he's the maintenance man but she thought he was another male nursing assistant that was in her room "doing things for her". Another day housekeeping came in and mom said "oh she is so nice, I was telling her all the problems I have with this place". So your mom may have told people things - just not the "RIGHT" people. After that week, I walked around with a large notebook and documented everything - each visit had a new page and was dated - what mom said about the facility, her demeanor when I was there, what I overheard from other residents, what the nurse or asst. said when they came in, times they gave her lunch, snacks, bathroom visits, time she left for pt and when she came back, (including names of staff each time) basically anything that occured and when I asked the nurses to see her file, I would put my notebook next to it and document certain things. I found that when I would ask staff questions that first week, even though I was there everyday, I would get quick answers and I honestly didn't know whether they were honest or I should go with things my mom had told me. Once they saw I was documenting everything I found things changed - they were more attentive to mom. Once mom saw I was writing down what she told me - I told her in case they weren't taking care of her properly I knew who to report. Then the "stories" stopped. Whether it was mom sometimes making things up or the staff being inefficient, my documentation told everyone I meant business and could refer back to my notes at anytime - put everyone on their toes. Many assistants told me they never saw anyone do that - but did admit it had an impact on some of the staff - in a positive way and they were happy for that. And you would be surprised how many times during the next 5 years of her life that notebook came in handy - every hospital visit, rehab stay I took notes, and yes those notes came in handy many times when I needed to refer back to her history. I also put a notebook size piece of paper on the wall near mom's bed - decorated it - and wrote - "if you come to visit mom, please write your name, date and time down, and if you spoke to mom or she was out of the room or asleep so that I'm aware of your visits. Thanks, Her Daughter". I did this everytime she went to the hospital or rehab and although regular staff didn't sign in (I didn't expect that) the doctors did as well as her friends. It ended the confusion to her as to why her friends werent' visiting her (in her eyes) when in reality they were there, but she was out of the room - either for tests, ot or pt. Although I visited her every day, I made sure it was at different times of the day. Also many times I would be there in the morning, and I'm sure they thought "ok daughter did her visit today", only to show up again an hour or four hours later, even if only to stop in for ten minutes. Staff knew I could and would pop in anytime (luckily I lived only 10 minutes away) and I think that also may have kept them a little more on their toes - they knew I was watching. I agree with jeannegibbs on her entire post - mom may be exaggerating for attention, mom may be confused or mom may be right. It's going to take time to sort it out - Good luck!

Ask to look at the last SURVEY done at the nursing home. It is an inspection done and the results. Also talk to your state's licensing board to check on the facitility for you...for your mother. IF the survey shows deficiencies, maybe consider moving her. There are other avenues to check out....talk with some of the other residents, but don't start an uprising, just converse with them. If there are "friends" of your mother's there, talk with them!
Many patients do dwell on their problems, their situations, so she might be exaggerating a bit, but don't totally dismiss her or what she is saying!

My mom still lives with me so this is a question I still have to face - as with one of the posts, she is on blood thinners and does bruise easily, I have always been afraid that someone would get it into their heads that I cause the bruises, but she can bruise almost spontaniously, her dr. knows. That aside, I was not in town when my dad went into nursing home, mom refuses to consider them because she herself found so many faults in the care he got, from keeping him clean to the food he ate (I mean, chicken with the pinfeathers still in it? Give me a break!). My advice is to go with vethelp, you have to look at the caregivers and look at her condition and go with the gut. Sometimes whem mom has been in the hospital I have had to rake housekeeping over the coals for not cleaning the room properly, and one memorable confrontation when she had loose bowel and made a mess in the morning, I told the nurse and left for an appointment of my own, returned two hours later to find that though they had changed her robe the sheets and blanket had not been changed yet though the clean ones were on the table. I changed her bed myself, then took it to the head of nursing. They were very attentive for the rest of her stay after that, believe me. Another time she had a roommate who died, at the time I left she had not been removed, when I came back a couple hours later, she was not only still in the bed, but had not been covered and was lying there with her mouth hanging open - not a pleasant sight. Racked them for that, too. You must keep up an active apperance and let them know you are watching them, for sure. It has been my observation that the 'help' at the hospital and cargiver organizations are usually low pay, low incentive people who in reality lack the instincts a caregiver must have. Let them know, for sure when you do not find things to your approval, take your mom's tales with a grain of thought (mine IS demanding and a perfectionist and acts like she were Queen Elizabeth occasionally, it is true) and go with the middle ground, where I have often found the real truth lies.

Great answers all around and JGibbs is spot-on.

I'd like to add to step back and look at it at your mom's perspective. Not from her perspective but at it. She is trapped, stuck and none of this is pretty. She cannot do anything on her own physically (by how you described her situation), but what can she do? By gosh, she can grab that phone, that is something she can 100% control and she does by calling you all.

I would like to express caution on the mommy cam issue. Doing this could be illegal and you could find yourself getting the 30 day notice from the facility. Almost all LTC have some type of residents council, required by most states to be in place, you can voice your concerns through this as well as directly dealing with the administrator and the director of nursing. Good Luck.

I like Vethelp's suggestion also, go nanny or in this case mommy cam :), it never hurts to cover all basis.

Mom could be not remembering things correctly. The staff could be lying. Or it could be a little of both. Sigh.

What does the doctor generally do when he visits? If her is dozing off when he pops in, does he just ask the nurse if there have been any changes or problems and then approve continuing as they are? If so, he could be coming in and she isn't aware of it. How often does he visit? If she is expecting him daily and he comes every two weeks, she is going to feel like he never visits. And she could just plain forget that he comes. I can't think of what the nursing home would have to gain by the doctor not stopping on his regular rounds, can you? Next time you are in, in a very friendly way, ask to see the records of when the doctor visited and what, if anything, he said about her. Explain that you want to be able to explain this to your mother in a way that she can understand so she won't be anxious about it. This should assure your mother that you take her seriously and will look into her cncerns. And it will probably give you grounds to reassure her about the doctor visit, too.

They wouldn't necessarily know if she is having sleeping problems, unless she is making a fuss. Are there any medications she is supposed to get during the night? Why would they be waking her up? If they wake her because she is dozing at 3 pm and it is time for her meds, then it doesn't matter so much that she can't get to sleep. I think the important question is when does this alledged waking-up-for-meds happen, and why?

It is possible, I suppose, that your mother mentions her medical complaint to a feelow resident or a cleaning person, and then wonders why a nurse won't help her with her headache. If she is attention-seeking and has gotten the brush off on trvial things she may not be reporting her issues to the nurse because "they never do anything about anything I say," and she thinks she needs to get you involved even if she hasn't talked to the nurse or aide first. (This is kind of crying wolf on both sides.) And it is possible that she tells them and they don't take it seriously. Perhaps you can track this down if you ask for specifics. "Who did you tell about your nausea, Mom? Was that this morning or yesterday? What did they say to you when you told them?" etc.

1. Mom may be exaggerating a bit, for a little drama and attention.
2. Mom may be genuinely confused and not remembering correctly.
3. Mom may be right, and the NH is being neglectful.

Sorting out which of these applies to each complaint is a challenge. Do your best to investigate each complaint. Even if it is usually 1 or 2 that applies, that doesn't mean there won't occasionally be a #3.

Wow, that's scary!

My suggestion is to go with your gut instinicts here.

I experienced the same with my mom, and dismissed, and chatted with staff, who assured me that her complaints were unfounded.

At first it was little things that could easily be dismissed or explained. In looking back on it, we should have taken things more seriously as she started being afraid of being there, and as it turned out, it was for good reasons.

My mom was also demanding and wanting attention, and for those types of personalities, you think they are doing it for the attention.

Then came the night when she was outside the facility refusing to go back inside stating that the staff was going to burn the faciltiy down in order to collect the insurance money because families could not afford to pay for their loved one to be there.

We ended up at the hospital and she was in the phyc ward for 72 hours observation. As it turned out, they were over medicating her and had not discontinued medications her doctor had stopped. The interaction and number of medications they had her on cause a full blown physcotic(sp) episode.

Later learned that her complaints of being threatened for using her call button in the middle of the night were legitiment along with some other things.

The sad truth is that abuse and neglect are real issues no matter how wonderful the facility looks, or how the sales person and administrator seem to be. Children and the elderly are the easiest to take advantage of, and things do happen.

If possible, put a video camera in her room so you can observe what is going on.

Rp, I'm not an expert but here is what I would do.. Talk to all your siblings and get everyone on the same page. It seems to me that she is not just lonely but it's more. Many elderly people not only get lonely but they become what is commonly called "touch deprived" because they don't have a significant other close by. I might be way off here but it's your Mother and it's worth giving it a try.. I would suggest that every time someone goes to visit her they make a point to hug her when arriving and before leaving, and not just a light phoney hug but a good gentle but firm one like you really want her to know you love her. And for those of you who can handle all this touching easily than others (you know who you are :)) make it a point to sit next to her and hold her hand and just look in her eye's and say "I love you Mom" Then take notices if her complaints decrease. If they do then you know what she needs and problem solved.

Her mental state is pretty good , we do notice that she forgets many things but still worried about blaming everything on that. The things that upset her have nothing to do with physical abuse. Some examples of comments she make of things upsetting her 1) "doctor never stops in to see me" (they claim he does) 2) "they wake me up to give me medicines and I cannot get back to sleep" (they claim they notice no issues with problems sleeping) 3) "they ignore my medical complaints until one of you kids get involved" (they claim she does not report any to nurses/aides and that she is manipulating us) . Of the three of us siblings that visit regularly 3 of us work and almost never visit before 5pm. and 2 of us live about 1 hour away. Dropping in when she calls is not something we want to do , because my sister who lives close use to do that and mom called begging for visits so much it was ridiculous. We know she is attention demanding but still worry that because of that NH might ignore some medical issues that should be addressed.

What is your mother's mental state? Is she generally alert and clear-headed? Does she tend to misinterpret other things? For example, if she mentions details about one sibling's visit to the other sibling does she get her facts straight? Whether she is a reliable witness or not doesn't prove anything, but it is something to be taken into account.

How serious are the things that upset her? If they were true would it be important to see that they stop, or to explain them to her to lessen her worry? If she sees bruises on one of her friends and thinks abuse is going on, that would serious if thre is abuse. If the friend takes a blood thinner and bruises very easily and vividly and tends to bump into the walls as she walks, that would be something to explain to mom, without requiring any changes at the NH.

Your question is, how do you know whose reality to take seriously? If you visit ten to fifteen hours a week, you must be acquainted with many of the staff. Do you have a cordial relationship with anyone you can trust to tell it like it is? Can you stagger your visiting hours so you are there at all times of the day? Can she call you when she thinks these things are happening so you can see it for yourself? (I realize you can't necessarily drop everything and rush over there, but if the worry is serious, perhaps you could a few times.)

This dificulty in knowing how much is "real" and how much is "misinterpretted" really makes our loved ones vulnerable, doesn't it?