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When we contact the nursing home the stories never match. My mother is currently in a nursing home ( she cannot walk, cannot transfer herself to/from her wheel chair and is bowel and bladder incontinent) and often tells me and/or one of my siblings things that are happening at the facility that bother her . After she continues to complain about a situation for many days one of us contacts the facility and almost always the stories do not match. We do not normally see the issue when we are there ( one of us visits for 2-3 hours 5 of the 7 days a week) . Does anyone have any suggestions on how to tell who is right ? The staff claim she is just not remembering things correctly mom claims they are lying.

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Both are right!! The government was considering having security cameras in the nursing home rooms. for everybody's protection!! Sounds like a good idea to me.!! I was in a nursing home for rehab after back surgery, and I observed a few problems--one of them being a wheel chair patient was going around trying to get in to other patients beds--another was spitting on the floors if she got mad! It has to be harder on the memory patients and the facility! I live in a small town and our new nursing home is right beside the new hospital---it has a bathroom in every two patient room instead of having I bathroom for 4 patients in the old home. And rehab patients are in one patient rooms with it's own bathroom. In the old home patients were taken to a shower room! I had a 97 year old aunt in a nursing home in Indiana that a nurse hit! She was fired and the state of Indiana put a restriction on her license that she wasn't to work with older patients anymore! I think euthanasia should be legalized for more seriously ill patients if they so chose! Would cut down on medical costs. Nursing homes aren't like being at home. Some are better than others! Check the ratings of your nursing home online. Not everybody has some body that can care for them especially if their family members or whoever work! It can get complicated! God didn't put people here to suffer.
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Stealth nanny cam?
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Sometimes the patients complaints are true. My mother use to complain about bad treatment when she was in a nursing home. I made several surprise visits to the home and found that my mama was right. I once found a nurse aid feeding my mother while she had her sitting on the bed with the mattress rolled up and mother sitting on the springs leaning against the rolled mattress and nearly gagging as the aid was stuffing food in her mouth without giving her a chance to chew or swallow. Please check further your mom's complaints.
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The hugs, the camera and the warning from vethelp. How do they know she isn't sleeping? Why do they give her meds and wake her up? That is weird
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If you visit that often you would also OFTEN see the doctor stop by to visit. They usually have one or two days they spend at the nursing home depending on the size of the nursing home. Also, I have noticed over the past years that the "head" nurse on the floor often DOES NOT KNOW the real story.
I sit with my father and other residents for hours sometimes and that helps figure out the real story. Also some of aids that are around a lot will often stop and talk with dad and I and dad will say "isn't that right?" and often they will have a more accurate version than my dad or the head nurse.

What your mom claims are all very valid and often true. Much of what the elderly say is ignored even in hospitals for serious stays. I have found that my dad will tell the wrong person like the girl filling the water each day, or the person who comes in to just check his blood sugar...... they don't pass on the information so he feels his comments were ignored.
The people in nursing homes and hospitals are so distracted and pulled here and there they forget so much.
I was appalled at my dad's last hospital stay and one of us kids had to stay there all the time just to make sure he had food. They bring the tray, leave it an hour, pick it up. No one knew if he was eating or not so we began staying all the time to feed him.
Same thing happened to my in-laws.

If you (family) are at the nursing home that often then I would think you'd see how often nurses visit her room and if they take notes of her complaints and needs. If they don't take notes... they are not accurately passing on the information.

YOU CAN also request all records on your mom if you are POA. It will show if they are noting your mom's requests or not.
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This is very hard to know , as I found out fom experience that as nice as a person is , if they are suffering dementia, then they cannot be relied on the speak the truth
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Call your Long Term Care Ombudsman. Federal law says the information must be placed in an area that all can see. The Ombudsman will investigate the situation and then call the Office of Inspector General or Adult Protective Services for you state. DO IT NOW!!!!!
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I was a social worker in a nursing home for 16 years. All I can tell you is that you do not stop being your family member's " care giver" and advocate. There is truth on both sides. It is hard to adjust to communal living. The routines will never be like home. On the other hand, the administration does insist that staff give a
" party line" that is not always accurate. There are two truths here. Residents often complain to family and refuse to tell staff what is wrong. They feel vulnerable. My advice is to get to know the direct care givers and encourage them any way you can. Let them know that you want to help them to help your loved one. The higher up the administrative line you go, the less credible and helpful the information will be.
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I work in a nursing home. That is awesome your family is involved and can have someone visit at least once a day. We have several residents whose family I have never met, or they start coming around only when the resident takes a turn for the worse. It's so sad when you have a daughter that is POA that cannot even be bothered enough to bring her own mother new clothes that fit, or to replace the ones that are all stained and tattered, or even pay $10.for a haircut with the facility beautician. So I commend you and your family, all my residents deserve to have a family that cares as much as yours does.

If you (or other relative) have to address your mom's complaints directly to the nurse... don't be shy. You are her advocate. With some nurses, I will take the resident's complaints to the nurse and they will just poo-poo it. But they jump and ask how high when family speaks up. Ask her how she's feeling today, ask her if anything hurts, Look her over for bruises and skin tears especially on the upper arms. Someone can easily knock a knee, forearm or hand into a door jam and bruise up. Upper arms are usually from staff getting a little too rough. Oh, and another good indicator of quality of care is check how clean their sheets are. Yup, peel back the bedspread and top sheet. Is it a bed you'd sleep in?

As many has mentioned, she may have a skewed sense of what is really going on because their brain is misinterpreting the information due to their medications. When the dr comes to the NH, they are in and out of there so dang fast it's hardly worth anything. It may be worth your time to make an appointment at her Primary's office, bring a list of all her medications and have him review them to make sure she is not being over medicated and that everything she is taking is appropriate for her. He can also check her for any cognitive decline... that's when they ask them what year it is, who is the president, what is 19 less than 100, repeat these 3 words then will ask them a few minutes later what those 3 words were. If you guys can verify that your mom is 100% all there, it narrows things down considerably. Could be a behavioral problem, some people just like to play the role of the poor victim and you know your mom well enough to know if this is something she has done all her life. I have one resident who is still sharp and always claims none of her daughter's have visited her since April. The truth of the matter is 2 of her daughters are there every Sunday like clockwork. If her boyfriend there has a stomachache, she suddenly has a stomachache. If he is constipated, so is she. She could have had her bed stripped overnight because she was incontinent, she'll say it hasn't been stripped in 2 months. Now if your mom is not like this, then yes I would take a hard look at the care she is receiving from the facility and maybe start looking into other facilities.
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I worked in Nursing Home facilities for years and have seen so many abuses; never discount a patient's complaint who is at the mercy of others 24/7. I like the idea of a video recorder. You should know that the night shifts tend to be the worst because they are the least supervised.
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The Nursing Homes/Assisted Living Facilities and even the Independent Living Facilities need to be reported if one is aware of abuse of any kind. There is also gross neglect.
A record must be created. Report these incidents to the State, County and Municipality where the incidents occurred. Get specific names, if possible.
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As I commented in my earlier post when I stated that I would visit mom at different times of the day - sometimes be there for a hour or so and then say goodbye to staff and say "I'll see you tomorrow". Well maybe an hour later or 3 hours later I would drop by again. Of course I only lived ten minutes away, so it was easy for me to do, sometimes I would just go shopping in between visits. But when staff saw me their response was "You're back again, you were already here today". My reply "Well surprise, I'm here". Never have a "set" schedule of your visits. I think that is key - they never know when to expect you. Also I knew mom's friends very well and they would follow up with me if they saw or heard anything on their visits. They helped being my "spies" in reality and staff had no idea. Like darleeng096 stated - pop in at different times of the day, and ask questions and document, document everything. (like I stated in my earlier post - walk around with a notebook and write down everything - plus staff gets very nervous when they see someone doing that!!)
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My sister would pop in the Nursing home at all odd hours of the Day and Night not just at certain times, She would go at 2,3,4,5 in the morning. They never new what time of the day we would pop in. They would overmedicate her as well KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW I cant stress it enough KNOW her medication, side affects, what mental changes it causes. that way you can be on top of it and all you siblings be on the same page.
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Dear Miss Texas, Could you possibly arrange for a private room for your mother?
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No certainly not by any way would I imply that, all I suggest is vary the times,dont go at the same time the days you do go. Look, the first week I went everyday and stayed 5hrs saw MOM through lunch and dinner/somestimes through breakfast and lunch-at times came during Bingo activity times. My point is I assisted my Mom through her transition of being there and THE STAFF Never knew when I was showing UP. The following week it was less hours 2-3 and fewer days. Until my Mom became more comfortable with her surroundings during which times I did things that we would do at home-fold clothes-watch tv- take her outside with her wheel chair by the little garden they have.BUT THATS WHAT worked for US. It's been four months since she 1st got there she thinks it's only been yesterday(My Mom has Alzhimiers/Dementia) Were All different with many things that are included and excluded in our every day lives. I have a young son and husband and older children that are still at home. Do what works for you and what is best for your family. My earlier statements refer to people who just leave and dont follow up. This forum sounds more against than four Nursing Faclities, all I've attempted to state is we have to be consistant,sounds to me like thats what your family has done,guess what you may need is an advocate to get involved(ombudsmen) like the person suggested to you earlier in the forum. Perhaps that may resolve your question to this forum and give you peace of mind. Hope that all works well for you,again understanding that this is a very diffcult thing that is happening to you and your family.
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You seem to be implying that lack of visits may be the cause and we also see others who do not seem to get many visits. But as I mention in my original note one of her kids is there visiting 5 of the 7 days each week and the visits are many hours each.We actually have a schedule that we keep each month for who should go which days so that days are not skipped very often. Is your opinion that is not enough?
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The lady that shares the room with my Mom is unable to feed or move without assistance. Her family hardly visit,in the 2 occassions I've seen,she is mean to them,yells that the staff doesnt help and feed her nasty food.She is not a very pleasant person at all.She yells at me to do things for her when I'm in the room visiting my Mom. I have seen the nurses and aides do every thing possiable to reassure her and assist her even when the staff didnt relize I was present,and yet this person accuses everyone who she comes into contact that they are hurting her to her family. Its so HARD for me not to say to them,she wants your attention-visit MORE so she can feel that shes not alone and not take it out on those of us who do visit OFTEN and see what is going on. Its a double edge sword and Again as I have stated before we have to do our part to Partake in what happens to our elders.
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I posted earlier about my care in the hospital. However, I have been on the other end of spectrum. I worked for an agency who placed aides in homes. I was an aide for an elderly lady who took an instant dislike to me right away. I tried my darnest to help her and be nice to her. I was sweet, personable, helpful and to no avail. In the end she lied about me and said I did stuff that I sure did not do. So sometimes you can trust the aide. Been there done that.
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I have been a long-term care ombudsman in the past. In case your not familiar with what an ombudsman is that is a person who advocates for resident rights in nursing homes, assisted living, etc. (long-term care facilities). You can contact your local ombudsman office and ask them to check out your mom's concerns. You and she can remain anonymous if you wish. An ombudsman will check out the situation. I believe that it is important to not disregaurd your mom's concerns. There are alot of good long-term care facilities that do a good job, but there are also some that need to be checked on and be accountable. I hope this helps
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I had a 95 year old aunt in a nursing home....the best one around. She was sharp as a tack. She would say "fancy shmantzy....I want service!" She said she waited so long for someone to put her on the pot that she would transfer herself herself into her wheelchair and do it herself. Several times she ended up on the floor. I believed her. Her POA lived in Arizona and she in Penn. I was the contact person in town. I was so upset and angry when she passed away....they called half hour after she died....I had no idea that she was that close to the end and the nurse on that shift told me she was told "The family knew".
I immediately drove to the nursing home....about 20 min drive. She was still warm...they never closed her eyes....and they had all her belongings packed up and on a dolly ready to get her out. That was at 4am. They were so cold and heartless.
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I was in the hospital after surgery and I know for sure that aides can be abusive. So please find the time to check on your mother at irregular hours, without notice that you are coming. I agree video camera in the room, if permitted. It is kind of like taking your child to daycare. If the child complains and says things then it is probably justified.
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I have heard many stories of abuse in AL and nursing homes and it does scare me to think of having my mom in one. I realize that you can't watch someone 24/7 but children and old people are easy targets.
My mom was in an AL for just 3 days after a surgery a couple of years ago and she really was neglected by the staff. They ignored complaints she had about the rehab and totally did some damage to her leg. They also allowed other patients to walk around freely, one of those would walk in and wake mom up and take things off her dresser. I was glad she was able to get out of there but because of their neglect she ended up back in the hospital.
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Presently my Mom is in a Nursing Home, I can tell you from personal experience at this one and one I used to work in as a teenager that not all Nursing Homes are the same (I also looked at 8 nursing homes when I found this one). THE FAMILY play an important ROLE in MAKING CERTAIN all is well. WE have to be VIGILANT-Just like we do with our small children that dont speak at daycare and YES even though we work and that leaves us little time-We stil make TIME-You would go during Lunch if your small child at daycare had a CONCERN. The 1st week with Mom there I went everyday til I met the Doctor asked him what days he visits and reviewed all the meds Mom was taking-(also they do this when you 1st transfer her in-but IF YOU ARE NOT THERE) they have no one to do this with. NEXT- MAKE it a Point to Make Yourself VISABLE introduce yourself to as many staff personel as possiable-Friendly but Firm-let them KNOW you will be in and out of the facility and that youre AVAILABLE anytime of the day or night!!!(Even though you may not be!) Leave A Magnet Board on the Wall introducing your parent to the Staff-set it by the Bed-Let them KNOW your Parents Quirks and why they may react to certain things or behaviors a Certain Way. Let them KNOW that you Understand that they are a VALUABLE ASSET to YOUR PARENT AS WELL AS you and your family members. MOST OF ALL- Dress your Family Members room LIKE YOU CARE- So Often you can pass a patients room and know who visits OFTEN just by the way the room is DECORATED. Most of all TAKE TIME to REALLY VISIT the Nursing Home-You know who you are- this Well I've been here for an hour or just until youre Bingo game starts doesnt cut it. BE Active in BEING THERE-BE A PART of your Parents Activities from time to time. You could ACTUALLY find yourself having a little fun with your parent-the employees-and yourself-INTERACT just as you would one of your Childrens functions. Dont JUST LEAVE your family member there and Expect that they will TRANSITION themselves you have to BE APART OF That TRANSITION. My mom know feels this is a Happy Hospital with very kind people,she feels Safe Content knowing that when I leave I will be coming back. THINK BACK how it was when you were left at day school or some other place for the 1ST Time what your Reaction Was How you felt, Then ask yourself is this a genuine or do i put more of my part in to insure that my MOM or DAD is Transitioning accordingly. I know its hard and most ask,well why bother to put them in one of those places if i have to check in 24/7. Fact of the matter is you dont,but if you care,You will. I could go on and on on what you can do,but the truth is you have to want to.
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Always listen to that family member first. Do your own investigation before discounting them. I have worked with seniors my whole life as a volunteer around the nursing homes and I know that there are often misunderstandings that appear to be something they are not. Some people...my mother for instance was considered by the nursing home to be unsocial because she did not want to go with the group and watch tv programs that she considered stupid...she was rather quiet and a loner and that was what worked best for her. I could not even leave her at the daycare because they were not equipted to have one old lady who did not want to watch the tv and play the games. Just wanted to chew gum and rock in her rocking chair. Sad state of affairs. I finally had to take her out of the nursing home and had no problems until the last few months of her life when her brain began to shut down. (alz)

Some people do complain and want more attention but sad to say some of those individuals often do not get enough attention. There should be someone around to interact more with these individuals. And the homes are often short staffed. There are many people who want to put their loved one in a nursing home and expect there never to be a problem...well hello! You have a loved one in the hospital or nursing home, etc. stay involved and your loved one will get more and better attention....at least they will probably not be abused. It is amazing what a little touch or pat on the cheek can do for the happiness of one who is shut in.

My mother used to tell me she was unhappy at the nursing home and would rather be dead than to be living there...I live in Fla but she wanted to stay in the Va area where her boys were...So .I would drive 1000 miles to try and figure the problem ...and she would tell them she liked it there. After a few trip I made a surprise visit and found what was going on! What was happening was her room mate was taking almost all the closet space and taking the only hook in the bathroom for her personal items...took up the most space in the room, etc. The room mate after she received her noon meds would become agitated with my mother who was afraid to tell what was happening. The nurses told me the room mate had this problem, yet they were going to move my mother to an area with those who were so medicated they were always in a stupur..or screaming, etc. . I immediately removed my mother from the home. (I spent about three minutes in that section and thought I was loosing my mind) I could not subject my mother to that. The other thing was my mother did not want to drink water as she did not want to have to urinate and ask for help. I continued Digging for info and also found that the room mate did not want her to turn on the light at night so mother did not want to have to go to the bathroom. This had all gone on for over a year and I felt really bad but it was not easy to find out what was wrong. The room mate was given a lot of freedoms because she would make a scene and my mother who was shy anyway was living in fear 24 hours a day. These things happen a lot!!!!

When she came to live with me mother was on about 13 different meds...The bill was always high there were many extras added. I was able to get her to a doctor that cut the amount down to about 8 meds....and I am not sure she needed all of those either. Getting rid of the meds made a big difference in her attitude, actions and quality of life.

Another thing I noticed at the nursing home.... those individuals whose mind appears to be gone will often cling to stuffed animals and are calmer around those who are attentive. I feel this is in someway of our human instinct to clutch to things that make us feel connected in some way. I have also noticed that some of those who are highly medicated are scared of the shower yet they have the water sprayed on them anyway. Whenever I notice anything or I am told anything out of the ordinary I make it known....And I wish others would do the same thing. I know that some of the nursing homes are very nice but there is no way they can control all the employees and some just do not like their jobs nor do they enjoy working around seniors. We have to face the fact that it is often just a job. So we can do our part by staying involved and helping them at the nursing home to understand our loved one so they can give them the best care.

My mother passed but I still viist several little friends at the nursings homes . One who recently passed never wanted to eat or she had difficulty feeding herself and I would often see that a whole plate of food was left....the aid would say she did not want to eat....what I had observed once was they were trying to feed her too fast and I think she had problems swallowing such big bites. She lost a lot of weight once she was in the nursing home. Her family placed her there and almost never came to see her...thus she was resentful and often took it out on others. I threw a big birthday party for her the year she died and all the residents showered her with attention and started noticing her after that. But.. I have seen so many sad things it breaks my heart to even think of them. Take good care of your loved ones....my mother used to say "What goes round comes round"... I enjoyed reading all the posts...and I hope I did not sound as though I was preaching to you....it is just that I am very passionate about all this because I have seen so much! Love and Blessings ~ Bobbi
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WE put a hidden video camera in moms room and she was telling the truth. NH said she was psychotic but we knew our mom had always been smart and the family didn't want her there anyway but she was there for rehabilitation. We decided not to confront the ones she said but watch and observe for ourselves. No NH is pleasant and definitely don't let them know you can't visit and watch when they tell you to leave because residents need to sleep. Inside source told us they drugged them all so they wouldn't be bothered. Find someone inside you can trust and your mom likes. We treat our elderly wrong and especially the ones that are helpless. Look at other countries how they look out for and treat their elders with kindness and respect. Investigate farther because it is easy to say oh they have dementia or beginning of alheizmers. Age does change things but stay close to your mom and love her and she probably is lonely and demanding but that too shall pass. We lost our mom this summer at the age of 97
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A doctor visit or medicines given should be documented...ask to see the record.
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I do not want to acuse the home but is your Mom competent in what she tells you in other things. She is not dementia or Alz is she. The reason I am asking is because my husband is Alz and can not remember. I left him for respit care for 3 nights and when I returned to get him he had bruises and cuts allover him. When I come to get him they did not tell me he had fallen. After I got him home I began to see all the bruises, on buttox, under arm and on hip. I went back and asked them about this and they told me no one saw him fall. Later he told the person that gives him his showers that he didn't want to shower and they made him fall. No one ever admitted that. We do not know if that is true or not but he has a remembering problem. After saying all of that I would not doubt they they don't say or do what she tells you. Having all the issues she has even makes it more likely they do what she says .It is so sad that people would do these things. I know how you could address this issue if you would like. I addressed my issue but it did not do any good and me with the evidence. Blessing to you and God Bless
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You don't think that the Nursing Home is going to ADMIT negligence, do you?
There are two sides to every story; that's why we have courts.
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Take her concerns seriously ;
In my opinion nursing home workers don't really care that much about the patients and are over loaded with them on a daily basis with all the budget cuts.All it takes is one bad employee who takes things personal when they have a difficult patient then the abuse starts .It can start maybe in their room when no one is around or in the shower etc.I believe the Nurses and others document a lot of stuff that really isn't done or didn't really happen to make their facility in compliance with state regulations.Just because she is older doesn't mean all of a sudden she is making things up just to get you to listen to her.
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I think it's a crap shoot as to whether mom is exaggerating things, or the staff is negligent. For some, their loved one is absolutely right but for others the whole story was blown out of proportion. For us, when my mother-in-law was in the nursing home for rehab after breaking her hip, she also had some ideas of what was happening there. The common link between the original poster rpalm, was that both of our people were unable to move about on their own and to see for themselves what they were hearing. For example my mil used to tell me that they were having a party in a room across the hall every night. So I went across the hall one day and looked. It was a closet with supplies in it. Now I don't know if they were doing something OTHER then getting supplies and chatting, but it was too small to have a party in I can assure you. Once she was mobile again there, the stories died down a little. She has dementia/alz so her memory is practically non-existent so when she said a doctor never came to check on her, I would go down the hall to the station and ask them to look at her chart to see. They always did, and I could see for myself when any doctor dropped by to see her because they note EVERYTHING. So like I said, crap shoot.
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