my 72 year old mother is verbally abusive one day, and the next, she's ok. She calls me a freeloader ,a**hole, stupid etc....Tells me I need to get rid of clothes, books, personal items and what not she tells me you make me sick. You need to get a job and move-out.
feddupp, I see that you haven't filled out your profile yet. Can you give us a few details? What are Mother's impairments? Does she have dementia? Are you caring for her in her home? Do you live there?
It is very, very hard to be verbally abused by someone you are trying to help! Hugs to you.
If you tell us a little more about your situation we'll be able to give more specific suggestions.
My Mom recently fx her hip. Had to go to nursing home for a couple months. While she was there. Basically I had the brunt of: yard work, taking care of her birds, getting her house ready for her return. Her home outside she kept with my help park like because she loves flowers, etc. The inside she vac/dusted but years of collecting and piling things up. Not exactly a hoarder but very cluttered. In order to bring her home. I cleaned the clutter out of her walking area. Threw out cardboard, paper, plastic, old food past expiration days, cleaned out refrig/freezer stocked pantry with all canned goods, restocked fridge with replacement for past due/ restocked freezer with homemade portions so she could just nook. All at my cost. Washed all the dishes in her cabinets, made sure her bills were paid (shepaid) kept up with all paperwork. Set up the bed next to where she sleeps with easy to get to clean slack/top/unders in neat piles. Removed scattered rugs. Made sure she had proper walker. Bedside commode. Raised toilet. Walkways clear for safety and visited every day while she was in the convalescent home to encourage her recovery. She is home now I have become her whipping boy saying I had no right to touch anything in her house. Also she had a spare rooms with boxes on a full bed that I put on floor to stay when she came home to make sure she was okay when she came home and any stuff that was in her walkway for safety I put that in the spare room. I ran out of time to work on the spare room. Her home was welcoming when she came home with the exception of the spare room which I ran out of time and energy because she came home. I also did all her shopping for 5 months and took her to all Doctor appointments. She has become very nasty to me and said I had no right to change anything without her their. I was also calling her 2x a day. She looks like she is possessed and is accusing me of steeling. Drinking a liquor she had in her home. Telling me I am fat. Saying things like, doesn't your husband say anything about the way you look. We're you drinking while you cleaned the house. If I went back to the convalescent home you would probably burn my house down, etc. Very Very abusuve remarks. I neglected myself while trying to be there for her. I was cutting my own hair, not being around friends, being away from husband more than I would like to make sure everything would be okay for my mother. I am soooo hurt. I have decided to make sure her needs are met as far as food, etc. and appt. but even though I care about her I have to separate and let her be on her own Cuz she is killing me. Comments welcome!
RoseLee, what was your mother like before the hip surgery? Has she always been verbally abusive? Is this just more of same, only worse? Or is this new behavior?
Mom obviously had some mobility issues if she needed hip surgery. Does she have other impairments? Can she do all activities of daily living independently? You expected to stay for a while, it sounds like, but can she safely stay alone? Does she have any signs of dementia?
I am sorry to ask so many question, but knowing more detail will help us help you. Once we know more, we'll be able to sort ourselves into people with similar experiences.
I'm also interested in your communication with your mother while she was in rehab. Did you discuss your progress and get her input? ("I'm going to clean your fridge today. With you being away so long some things have expired and I'll clean them out. But I'll replace them near when you are coming home." ... "The physical therapist wants to make sure you have nice wide walkways in your home so you can use the walker as long as you need to. I'm removing items that would get in your way. Should I put them in the spare room, or in the basement until you have the time and energy to sort through them?") Or did you feel you just had to do this with the least amount of input from her as possible?
I think your plan to back off and to do the minimum for her health and safety is a good idea, at least for a while.
Maybe she is really irate about the changes to her house (even if they are improvements). But maybe this is more about the changes to her life. She is older. She is mortal. She won't be around forever. She really hasn't done a good job of managing her clutter or her food supply, and she needs help with transportation and managing her finances. Dang! If she is having to face these hard facts for the first time it is no wonder she is mad. Life is not fair! She shouldn't need help at her age! Grrrrr ... (Not everyone accepts old age gracefully.) She is mad but she may not have quite figured out what she is mad about. You are a handy target. While she should be grateful that you have cleared pathways throughout her house, she is angry that she needs them and takes that anger out on you, who made them.
But enough armchair psychology. I do think backing away some and letting her get used to her new dependency issues is a good move.
Sometimes dementia is a blessing. If I tried to get rid of clutter, four years of back issue magazines, etc my mom would have had an absolute fit! I tried to a couple of times when she was there, but it became obvious that was not an option. She wanted me to create new stacks for her to go through then throw things away! And I knew that wouldn't happen! Any cleaning out, sorting, had to be done when she was at day care.
How old is your mom? Is she developing dementia? I know I would not like the feeling of someone else clearing out all of my things and not knowing about it. The associated anger is what has me wondering about dementia.
RoseLee, it sounds as though your mom is developing dementia, if she wasn't like this before the surgery and rehab. I think that you should talk to her doctor about these new behaviors. You might consider taking her to see a geriatric psychiatrist; she might benefit from antidepressants or antianxiety medications.
I have mom issues. I am only child. My mom is very nasty,ugly and verbally abusive to me. She is controlling also. People have tried to give her help she dismisses it. Will not go in a home. Had a stroke 4 yrs ago bed bound cannot walk or take care of herself at all in diapers. Need help badly.Any sugesstions?
Tiffie, does mom live with you, you with her or what?
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Who provides her care? If it's you, are you paid to do so? Would you keep caring for someone else as a job if they verbally abused you?
She refuses to go to a home. Is that because she has you to provide care? Perhaps that needs to change? Perhaps you need to say " mom, starting next week, I'm not available to provide your care any longer. What arrangements would you like me to make?
Encouraged be reading these stories. My mother is in a nursing home and I am the one who must visit. She has dementia and mental illness and is very abusive to me, using bullying tactics, etc. A visit leaves me drained, anxious, depressed amd feeling ill for several days. I must love but do not like her or enjoy her.
sad - my mother was the same. She is far enough along with dementia that she doesn't speak much anymore. I found it is better for me if I did not visit much or for long. And I brought someone with me most times. How often do you visit her and how long do you stay? You need to look after yourself. Please limit your visits so they are not so draining to you. (((((hugs)))) I understand.
It is very, very hard to be verbally abused by someone you are trying to help! Hugs to you.
If you tell us a little more about your situation we'll be able to give more specific suggestions.
In order to bring her home. I cleaned the clutter out of her walking area. Threw out cardboard, paper, plastic, old food past expiration days, cleaned out refrig/freezer stocked pantry with all canned goods, restocked fridge with replacement for past due/ restocked freezer with homemade portions so she could just nook. All at my cost. Washed all the dishes in her cabinets, made sure her bills were paid (shepaid) kept up with all paperwork. Set up the bed next to where she sleeps with easy to get to clean slack/top/unders in neat piles. Removed scattered rugs. Made sure she had proper walker. Bedside commode. Raised toilet. Walkways clear for safety and visited every day while she was in the convalescent home to encourage her recovery. She is home now I have become her whipping boy saying I had no right to touch anything in her house. Also she had a spare rooms with boxes on a full bed that I put on floor to stay when she came home to make sure she was okay when she came home and any stuff that was in her walkway for safety I put that in the spare room. I ran out of time to work on the spare room. Her home was welcoming when she came home with the exception of the spare room which I ran out of time and energy because she came home. I also did all her shopping for 5 months and took her to all Doctor appointments. She has become very nasty to me and said I had no right to change anything without her their. I was also calling her 2x a day. She looks like she is possessed and is accusing me of steeling. Drinking a liquor she had in her home. Telling me I am fat. Saying things like, doesn't your husband say anything about the way you look. We're you drinking while you cleaned the house. If I went back to the convalescent home you would probably burn my house down, etc. Very Very abusuve remarks. I neglected myself while trying to be there for her. I was cutting my own hair, not being around friends, being away from husband more than I would like to make sure everything would be okay for my mother. I am soooo hurt. I have decided to make sure her needs are met as far as food, etc. and appt. but even though I care about her I have to separate and let her be on her own Cuz she is killing me. Comments welcome!
Mom obviously had some mobility issues if she needed hip surgery. Does she have other impairments? Can she do all activities of daily living independently? You expected to stay for a while, it sounds like, but can she safely stay alone? Does she have any signs of dementia?
I am sorry to ask so many question, but knowing more detail will help us help you. Once we know more, we'll be able to sort ourselves into people with similar experiences.
I'm also interested in your communication with your mother while she was in rehab. Did you discuss your progress and get her input? ("I'm going to clean your fridge today. With you being away so long some things have expired and I'll clean them out. But I'll replace them near when you are coming home." ... "The physical therapist wants to make sure you have nice wide walkways in your home so you can use the walker as long as you need to. I'm removing items that would get in your way. Should I put them in the spare room, or in the basement until you have the time and energy to sort through them?") Or did you feel you just had to do this with the least amount of input from her as possible?
I think your plan to back off and to do the minimum for her health and safety is a good idea, at least for a while.
Maybe she is really irate about the changes to her house (even if they are improvements). But maybe this is more about the changes to her life. She is older. She is mortal. She won't be around forever. She really hasn't done a good job of managing her clutter or her food supply, and she needs help with transportation and managing her finances. Dang! If she is having to face these hard facts for the first time it is no wonder she is mad. Life is not fair! She shouldn't need help at her age! Grrrrr ... (Not everyone accepts old age gracefully.) She is mad but she may not have quite figured out what she is mad about. You are a handy target. While she should be grateful that you have cleared pathways throughout her house, she is angry that she needs them and takes that anger out on you, who made them.
But enough armchair psychology. I do think backing away some and letting her get used to her new dependency issues is a good move.
How old is your mom? Is she developing dementia? I know I would not like the feeling of someone else clearing out all of my things and not knowing about it. The associated anger is what has me wondering about dementia.
Welcome RoseLee, 2015, (9 hours ago.)
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Who provides her care? If it's you, are you paid to do so? Would you keep caring for someone else as a job if they verbally abused you?
She refuses to go to a home. Is that because she has you to provide care? Perhaps that needs to change? Perhaps you need to say " mom, starting next week, I'm not available to provide your care any longer. What arrangements would you like me to make?
If your mother doesn't want your loving concern (which you are clearly trying to offer), I would try leaving her alone.