My mother is verbally abusive to me. My mental health is being affected and I am stressed from being with her. What can I do?

Why is she abusive? Does she have Alzheimer's or other cognitive disease? Can she take care of herself? is this new behavior or has she aklways b een like this? Does she need a medical evaluation.
Can you move out?

Contact your local hospital and ask for a full geriatric review. If you can't locate the service, ask her DR. This is very helpful and will give you some peace of mind. You seem to need some separation. Can you hire someone to stay with her for a few hours a day to give yourself a break? I do and it has literally saved my life and sanity!
Linda

Thank you for your comments. My mother has not been diagnosed with Alzheimers, but does have short term memory loss and am sure that this will progress, and so she has the beginning stage of dementia. She knows where she lives, who her children are, etc. My mother has always been a volatile person, and so since I am living with her, it seems to her normal to vent her anger on me. She has always needed a focal point for her anger. She will not let anyone in the house in terms of my getting help for her at home. My sister and I have tried this, and she simply would not let the caregiver in her house. I can take outbursts, but most recently, the moment that I walk in the door back from any errand, I am greeted with yelling and ranting, and of course, very demeaning and demoralizing comments.

Can you give her an ultimatum? If the caregiver goes, so do I? I know it sounds harsh, but you need to take control. If you have her evaluated, it will be easier for her to be treated. She may need meds to control her behavior, and a full geriatric review will let you know what course to take.
Linda

I think that a work up by a gerontologist or neurolgist would be extremely helpful. If the behavior is a symmptom of AD that is one thing. if it's a temper tantrum, that calls for different action. And it's important to find out immmediately. Call you local Altzheimer's Assoc. for local diagnosticians or check your local phone book for memory clinics. There are medications that may help.
Mimi

We have the same mother ; ) Mine was always like this, though.
At some point, I realized, the tables have turned and it's time
she realizes that. When she would begin to get abusive, I would
tell her, "Not acceptable behavior." and turn my back and walk out. When something needed to be done in some way, I laid down the law that it would be done my way. I wouldn't get angry, just keep insisting that this is the way it was going to be... period.

It may sound harsh, but I had to stop the abusive behavior
and tantrums, and the only way to do that was not to let her
get what she wanted -- mainly, a reaction or her way. It will
begin to fade, then it will rear it's ugly head again (stay firm),
then it will stop. I train dogs, and use the same tried and true
methods with them.

You don't say if you moved in with her or just visit. If you have
the financial option, you might want to check out Assisted Living
facilities and see if that's possible. As one friend told me, "What
price tag do you want to put on your life?"

Best wishes,
Joanne

Bravo, congratulations for asking for help! That's important knowing your boundaries, and exercising them it just as vital. When she rants, you can turn on your heels and leave, or try redirecting her. That's what nursing homes do. Direct her focus toward something she enjoys (like puppies, or a favorite memory). You can say, "I know you feel this way, but that is not an acceptable way to express it, Mom." Go back out of the room, give her a moment to regroup, then come back in, smiling with a happy greeting. Sometimes medications can help with this as well.

We had to deal with catastrophic reactions and angry outbursts with my Dad. Abrupt emotionally charged explosions happen often with my Mom. It puts me on edge, but the more I learn about dementia, Alzheimer's and Personality Disorders, the more it helps me understand and deal with THEIR problem.

For my own emotions, dealing with their dement, I read literature corresponding to their diagnosis, and I attend Support Groups, which helps a great deal. Just knowing we're not alone, and our loved ones aren't necessarily attacking us personally, helps me cope with the ugly reality of the situation, which can sometimes seem confusing.

Lovingdaughter and Mimis made some great suggestions, and a Geriatric Assessment sounds like the logical way to go at this point. By all means, take care of you, too! :)

can you just walk away when she starts in-I had to do that and it got so I would stay away from the nursing home for days when he started verbally abusing me-does she treat others the same if it is only you you need to teach her it is not allright to do that to you and talking about does no good it is action that changes it.

I was cautioned against trying to teach someone with dementia something... Translated: they don't understand, so how can they "learn?" But if their behavior is intentionally directed at you, and they know it, that's a different story. But it may be necessary for you to walk...temporarily.

I'm going to my support group, now...

So glad that we have each other. Support groups are wonderful, but I night when I am feeling down, it is good to know that you are all just a click away!
Linda

I went thru the same thing with my mother in law. She has hated me from the day I met her son 14 years ago. It is ironic now that I am the one caring for her.

I was not sure I could deal with it, she was telling our son bad things about me, ranting to my husband about me when ever I walked out of a room. I did a lot of research and found a few things that helped. we put a rocking chair in front of her window, bought her a tv. (rocking helps sooth elderly patients) We started giving her time alone away from the commotion of everyday life, and she improved. We also stopped engaging her, when she would start we tell her that we will talk about it in a little bit and walk away. She never remembers when we come back in.
We tried hiring pt people and people to help her bathe, but no one would work with her because of her aggression towards me. which is funny because she always did what they said, she just cussed me the entire time. I would ask them when we interviewed them not to speak to me under any circumstances because it upsets her and every time they would. Even when I would go off away from them they would hunt me down. It was hard having everyone hear bad things about me, it hurt because I am the only on that has been here for her in the last 2 years.

We have had some of the best stress relief laughing about some of the things that go on here, it makes it easier to get thru each day. I also took a vacation spur of the moment to Hawaii and every time I think I cant go on I close my eyes and see the beach. I hope things get easier for you.
helpful things to try.
1) schedule is important. sane thing every day even tho they don't remember doing them they kind of do
2) giving them time alone away from everything calms them
3)rocking chair or glider helps calm nerves
4) never engage them when they are upset
5) always greet them with a positive tone, even when you are frustrated
6) compliment them
7) try to focus their attention to something else
8) give them a project they can handle, like folding laundry
9) when instructing them to do something be positive, don't point out something they are doing wrong



















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littlebiluny2,
Smart lady you are. We had a caregiver that mom didn't like and we said too bad. The woman hung in there, and now mom considers her family!! This is not an easy job we do, but you should be commended for taking care of your MIL. I never would have been able to do it. Good for you.
Linda

Thanks, lovingdaughter. I find the most support from this site, too. The support group is only once a month. It is here I connect the most with those in similar situations, and find a wealth of camaraderie and love.

I did, however, just get excited over the new Social Worker there, who brilliantly described different ways of communicating with those with dementia and mental health issues. He's been working in the field for over 26 years, and it was the most rewarding session I've been in on. He spoke specifically to me about my own mother's abusiveness toward me, and taught me that I have to establish boundaries for Mom to adhere to. I've just never looked at it that way before so concretely. I have been doing some of this, from reading some of your posts here. And it has helped me. But here's an expert telling us how to read body signals, and communicate and set the boundaries and keep them. I'm excited, because I never had these tools to work with before. I always just walked around the elephant in the living room or tip toed through egg shells, reacting to behaviors. I don't know that he was doing this intentionally, but it's like he gave me "permission" to set boundaries for myself. (Mom and Dad don't have any, and don't respect other people's...) I feel like a have a new lease on life. I am looking forward to learning more about it, and practicing it!

When you are away, or out, is your Mom alone the entire time? Her verbal tirade when you arrive back at home may be her way of releasing her built-up fear and/or anger that she feels abandoned throughout her day, is hungry, didn't know what to do when you were gone, etc., all of which might go hand-in-hand with symptoms of dementia.

You may want to go with her to her next doctor's apppointment and let her and her doctor know that you are concerned by specific symptoms Mom is exhibiting and ask for medical guidance. I would not be surprised if she does not have memory of her ugly verbal tirades sometimes.

Does she remain in that mode for the duration of her evening once you are home, or is there a point where she tends to calm down? Maybe walking in the door with a game plan that helps to diffuse her anger might be helpful? When you first walk in, you might be the one to start speaking to her right away, letting her know how tired you are and need her help to set the table, etc., then ask her to help you with simple-command individual tasks that help to re-direct her attentiion by keeping her focused on what she can do.

You may also want to play some soft-sounding music when you get home, preferably classiccal music, or oldies and goodies, and take her back in time through the music to more pleasant memories? Sometimes I enjoy listening to big-band concerts on public radio with my Mom, and we sit side-by-side as band directors to the invisible orchestra. It is refreshing, including for me as a caregiver. Maybe a regular cup of tea time when you get home is something to look forward to and have her set the tea cups, etc.? A lot you can try, but like many of us caregivers, what works one time, may not work another time. It helps to be creative and to remain positive within your spirit, if you can. Not easy to do, but for me, it has not been impossible, either. Keep sharing. Other caregivers understand and will be supportive. Hugs.

I agree with Mimi. There is alot of medication that not only could help with her memory issues as well as her outburst. Finding out what the outburst are driven from is where I would start. My father lives with us and I had to take him to a pysch dr for an evaluation for he was complaining of not sleeping well which resulted in outburst of vulger language etc... His dr prescribed him Remeron that has helped him with his sleep issue and has helped with depression. It also had a good side effect for him in increasing his appetite. The dr indicated that once over 65 the bodys chemicals can change a lot and there has been a lot of research on medications on the elder. It has helped my dad. He seems to be more settled. I wish you the best. Keep looking - you will find an answer that will bring you some peace.

littlebitluny2, I love your username. It also helps to be a littlebitluny2! I know I am. It's all in a sense of humor regardless of the circumstances in which we may find ourselves. Nothing lasts forever. You clearly have taken the high road in your caregiving journey. You are very blessed by your sweet spirit. Your mother-in-law has some serious baggage she needs to ditch before God calls her home. For her sake, I hope she achieves that peace. Who wants death bed baggage? Not me. God bless you, notatalllittlebitluny2! lol

Dear littlebitluny2, I didn't see your post before I posted, so I'm back to tell you how much I enjoyed it. What practical and excellent advice, and so nice to hear from someone who can laugh in the journey. You have been blessed with tenacity and patience, and I commend you for that. Thanks for sharing, because I plan to copy and print it for reference. You've shared the perfect example of finding joy to in the journey. I'm with you on the Hawaii part!

SecretSister,
Your mom is lucky to have you; just sometimes they don't see that for themselves. I have been saying this since I found this great site. Boundaries!!!!!! I should use it as my name! My mom wants me all to herself and would love for me to dedicate myself to her exclusively. She would even like to see my husband disappear. She has always felt this way, never really got over me getting married(38 years ago this August)! When we lived 1 mile away she was OK. However, 9 years ago we moved 37 miles away and she was very upset. So boundaries are very important. If I didn't have them, I would have nooooo life!

Sounds as if you have some great tools. Keep passing along the information you get. We could all benefit from them.
Thanks,
Linda

Thank you for the advice. I think that I just have to try the different strategies suggested and see what works. I do live with my Mom and have since my dad passed away 11 months ago, but I am away 2 days of the week. During these two days, I call her twice a day, and she wears a lifeline necklace.

I do try simply not to respond when she starts in. I do make a purpose to find things to say that will boost her esteem and make her feel appreciated. I also realize that no matter how she acts that it really has little to do with me outside of the fact that I am there, and so she simply has a person with which to vent all her anger. Since I was about 10 years old, my mom has simply always expressed a lot of anger and rage.

She has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My father did have Alzheimer's and was in the middle stages before he died last August. To be honest, since I was a little girl, I have never failed to be amazed at her behavior. I just don't understand why a person would want to try to demean and create such stress for others.

I do, though, also realize that she is grieving over the loss of her husband, and is also quite aware that she cannot do all that she once was able to do and that she is frightened and quite sad.

Your right Bravo, it is sad to see your life has little time left. How to make them happy is sometimes a puzzle. I try to keep mom occupied, but she still wants me by her side. Every morning I dedicate part of the day to myself and it helps keeps some of my sanity. AS i type this post, I know that I have a million things to do. I would just rather be here at the computer than outside and watch mom eat. My vacation starts Saturday and it is just in the nick of time. I need a break!!!! Good luck and take time for yourself.
Linda

You are so right, Bravo. Your Mom has chronic anger issues that have become worse now that she is losing control in her mature years and has seen the decline of your Dad prior to his death. She is scared, and probably angrier than ever, including at you, though you have nothing to do with her anger issues. Odd how that happens, huh? You are very mature in how objectively you are able to view the situation. Might short term therapy be something that could help her to re-set those anger issues, even if only for a brief spell to grant you some relief? If not, adjusting her medication via consultation with her primary care physician may be the one thing that helps to settle her down. That, too, can be hard for us caregivers, I know. Keep sharing, Bravo, and Bravo to you for all you do on behalf of your Mom in spite of her moods. You have chosen the better path.

All of the recommendations are certainly appropriate and useful. My mother also is volitle and verbally abusive. I have become totally overwhelmed. We live in a rural area without services like public transportation or much in the way of help for the elderly. I did contact Social Service and spoke with the Elderly Abuse contact. I do not live with my mother, therefore, I could not be considered abandoning her if she refuses my help. It is emotionally damaging to me. But she may be angry and abusive but unless there is a crisis, like physical abuse of either of us there is nothing that they can do until that happens, then the state would take over and neither of us could do anything about it. She would probably be placed in long term care and I would be sited. I am 63 and disabled. There is nothing she will agree to do that will make housekeeping, medical transportation, or shopping anything other than me as the driver, the cleaner and the appointment maker. Does anyone else have any suggestions. I am the only surviving child. We don't have relatives to help us. My friends and the counselor I spoke with said to not help her, but how can I do that?

I am sorry to hear about the stress you are going through. But you are not alone my own mother has Alzheimers/ Dementia, it is now in the late stages. Before in the begining she used to hit me and yell at me all the times. I did not have such a great childhood, my mom was not of the nicest people on earth neither was my dad. But it is my mom and I am her power of attorney .I myself have been told by many doctors that if the behaivor happen when I was a child it only gets worse with the illness when they get older. They do not know what they are saying or doing. I think any one who is taking care of a loved one from their heart ( cargiver) goes through depression of some kind. My mother fought with all the help I can gotten her years ago. She blamed them for stealing, hit them, yelled at the doctors and nurses. Did not open the door for people It is hard to go through. There are organzion's out there from the Alzheimers assocation to meals on wheel that can help you. You also have to admit that your mom is not going to get better and it is not going to get any eaiser. Hang in there you are not alone. patrica61

It is discouraging to hear that they may not get better. I've been told my Mom will become worse. She's already a nightmare to be around, and we definitely limit our time with her. Strange thing is, she's "lovely" around other people. So it's something she can control. Mom went from using anger to control (only because it's not working), to the victim mentality. She has this "poor me" to stir up the compassion of others. And they buy into it, making her worse. It's sickening! When that doesn't work, she falsely accuses family of "abusing" her, and tells them she's "afraid of being punished." She does this because she doesn't like limits placed on her controlling ways. Blame shifting is another method of choice. She's a master at whining and complaining and discontent. Sometimes I feel compassion for her, but sometimes it is more along the lines of pity or revulsion! Her selfishness and discontent has become full-blown mental illness, and is extremely difficult to be around. Thank God for his grace, and for support groups, and those who understand.

Your mom sounds just the way my own mother is and was acting. It is not your fault. rememeber she has a illness and there is no way of stoping it. My own mom before she came to Florida would be on the phone with people and acted normal. She would speak as if nothing was wrong, with the neighbor and family. I was told by them that I was crazy and the one who was sick. it was not until my own husband had called several times looking for me over the phone. One time when I was in New York helping out mom she told my husband I went out to the bars with my Uncle. however I was in the bathroom one time and other sitting in her back yard. No one belevied me that she had a problem. I was the only one taking good care of her and was treated the worse. I have also been told that it is because she knows she can yell at me she does it, she has this contol over me.I am to just walk away at time even on my regular visits so I have peace of mind. yes I do find the support groups my self very helpful.patrica61

My own mom sounds your mom is like your mom . My mom is in assisting living now, but before she was in New York in and out of hospital's and nursing homes it was another issue. My mom was always in control.Both mom and dad did not make my childhood a pleasant one. When she first came down with the begining of Alzheimers'/Demential it was a nigthmare at times. i would get hit, yelled at, lock out of her house. She would not let anyone in the house. Even one time when she was released from the hospital I was given help from visitng nurses, social workers, theropy people, and aides who where to help her out. She yelled at them and also was hiding things. her medicine was always a mess, pills would be missing or she would mix up the pills. It was not until my own husband had call me one time when I was in New York taking care of mom, that he beleived me. She would get on the phone and it would another person taking. She was sweet and kind. The neighbors up north told me I was the one who was carzy and sick not her. You see my husband had called and she told him I was not there, I had gone out with my uncle adn to a bar. That was not true, I was in the bathroom one time and another sitting in her back yard mom trying to relax and get some sun. Even she was able to fool the doctor, she would lie to him also.I do visit mom regular in the assisting living she is at, She still has her moments but her medine has been change and she is more peaceful with me. She still has her moments, but i am there for her no matter what she does to me. yes it is still mky mother and I won't forget it they illness does change them, She does still know me but no one else. My mom would say to people that I was mean to her, but the doctors and people who came to help did finally say mom is sick and needs help, it is not my fault. take care. patrica61

If you have tried talking to her and have told her that it hurts you to be spoken to that way and she continues to do it you may have to distance yourself from by leaving the room when she starts in on you or if you can not just let her wind down I found with my husband not answering back was the best or trying to explain how you felt at the time he was being nasty was the best especially since he could turn it off when others were around and be so sweet to others and mean to me and he depended on me for all his cares someone I think it was Carol who said you need to put on an emotional shield on when dealing with some people. I talked about it to him until I was blue in the face and he would not change-so I stopped talking and just stayed away from him as much as I could-it is not easy and I feel sorry for you but you can vent here all you need to and you will find great understanding people here who have been or are going through the same things-if you take care of yourself and tell yourself she is wrong and you do not deserve to be treated that way you will get stronger-some people will never change how they treat you so you must help yourself-if you have something you enjoy doing like reading or knitting or going for walks try to do it each day- and let her do as much for herself as she can - I hope you have friends that you can talk to or visit you need to be around normal people- if you can get someone to stay with her or she can be alone -go someplace by yourself even if to just get a cup of coffee it does help-keep telling yourself it is not me that is wrong it is her-please stay in touch- been there

I just found this website and feel suddenly comforted. I have been caring of my elderly mother going on seven years. Her abuse of me has escalated to the point where I'm nearly destroyed emotionally. She's attacks with the most psychologically hurtful and poisonous comments that anyone has ever said to me. She completely changes when my brother or sister come around which is not often. They think mother is fine. She lies to them and say that I'm somehow the problem and they believe her. My mother refuses to shower or wash her hair and when I try to force her to do so, I'm in for a day of verbal abuse. She has tried to hit me and push me, too. I told my sister that when I plan to leave as soon as I can and she can take care of my mother. My sister then suddenly showed up today to take my mother to care homes. But, my mother refuses to go into a home. I feel that I must get out of my mother's house or I will have no life left.
I will leave her to my brother and sister to deal with since they don't believe me when I tell them that she's a monster.

I'm glad I found this site. It's the first time in several years that I haven't felt alone.

I just want to add, I'm sorry for all the typos in my previous post. I was writing fast and didn't proofread my comments. I'd like to add that "patricia61" wrote some
eye opening words for me. I really have been starting to think that I'm somehow imaging all the horrible things that I've been experiencing until I read some of your experiences. For one thing, my mother hides important items, too, like the car keys with the door opener which I never found. She looks me out of the house, too. She rants and rages almost constantly now and ALWAYS against me. No matter what goes wrong I am to blame for it. My brother and sister, who have done nothing for my mother are considered saints in her eyes and they ignore her. I do everything for her, go out of my way to do everything in her home, buy her special foods, clothes, everything and she hates me, says awful things to me.
I'll stop now. Sorry for going on so much. Marci

Oops. I meant "locks" me out of the house.