We have the same mother ; ) Mine was always like this, though. At some point, I realized, the tables have turned and it's time she realizes that. When she would begin to get abusive, I would tell her, "Not acceptable behavior." and turn my back and walk out. When something needed to be done in some way, I laid down the law that it would be done my way. I wouldn't get angry, just keep insisting that this is the way it was going to be... period.
It may sound harsh, but I had to stop the abusive behavior and tantrums, and the only way to do that was not to let her get what she wanted -- mainly, a reaction or her way. It will begin to fade, then it will rear it's ugly head again (stay firm), then it will stop. I train dogs, and use the same tried and true methods with them.
You don't say if you moved in with her or just visit. If you have the financial option, you might want to check out Assisted Living facilities and see if that's possible. As one friend told me, "What price tag do you want to put on your life?"
littlebiluny2, Smart lady you are. We had a caregiver that mom didn't like and we said too bad. The woman hung in there, and now mom considers her family!! This is not an easy job we do, but you should be commended for taking care of your MIL. I never would have been able to do it. Good for you. Linda
My Mom recently fx her hip. Had to go to nursing home for a couple months. While she was there. Basically I had the brunt of: yard work, taking care of her birds, getting her house ready for her return. Her home outside she kept with my help park like because she loves flowers, etc. The inside she vac/dusted but years of collecting and piling things up. Not exactly a hoarder but very cluttered. In order to bring her home. I cleaned the clutter out of her walking area. Threw out cardboard, paper, plastic, old food past expiration days, cleaned out refrig/freezer stocked pantry with all canned goods, restocked fridge with replacement for past due/ restocked freezer with homemade portions so she could just nook. All at my cost. Washed all the dishes in her cabinets, made sure her bills were paid (shepaid) kept up with all paperwork. Set up the bed next to where she sleeps with easy to get to clean slack/top/unders in neat piles. Removed scattered rugs. Made sure she had proper walker. Bedside commode. Raised toilet. Walkways clear for safety and visited every day while she was in the convalescent home to encourage her recovery. She is home now I have become her whipping boy saying I had no right to touch anything in her house. Also she had a spare rooms with boxes on a full bed that I put on floor to stay when she came home to make sure she was okay when she came home and any stuff that was in her walkway for safety I put that in the spare room. I ran out of time to work on the spare room. Her home was welcoming when she came home with the exception of the spare room which I ran out of time and energy because she came home. I also did all her shopping for 5 months and took her to all Doctor appointments. She has become very nasty to me and said I had no right to change anything without her their. I was also calling her 2x a day. She looks like she is possessed and is accusing me of steeling. Drinking a liquor she had in her home. Telling me I am fat. Saying things like, doesn't your husband say anything about the way you look. We're you drinking while you cleaned the house. If I went back to the convalescent home you would probably burn my house down, etc. Very Very abusuve remarks. I neglected myself while trying to be there for her. I was cutting my own hair, not being around friends, being away from husband more than I would like to make sure everything would be okay for my mother. I am soooo hurt. I have decided to make sure her needs are met as far as food, etc. and appt. but even though I care about her I have to separate and let her be on her own Cuz she is killing me. Comments welcome!
Thank you for your comments. My mother has not been diagnosed with Alzheimers, but does have short term memory loss and am sure that this will progress, and so she has the beginning stage of dementia. She knows where she lives, who her children are, etc. My mother has always been a volatile person, and so since I am living with her, it seems to her normal to vent her anger on me. She has always needed a focal point for her anger. She will not let anyone in the house in terms of my getting help for her at home. My sister and I have tried this, and she simply would not let the caregiver in her house. I can take outbursts, but most recently, the moment that I walk in the door back from any errand, I am greeted with yelling and ranting, and of course, very demeaning and demoralizing comments.
I went thru the same thing with my mother in law. She has hated me from the day I met her son 14 years ago. It is ironic now that I am the one caring for her.
I was not sure I could deal with it, she was telling our son bad things about me, ranting to my husband about me when ever I walked out of a room. I did a lot of research and found a few things that helped. we put a rocking chair in front of her window, bought her a tv. (rocking helps sooth elderly patients) We started giving her time alone away from the commotion of everyday life, and she improved. We also stopped engaging her, when she would start we tell her that we will talk about it in a little bit and walk away. She never remembers when we come back in. We tried hiring pt people and people to help her bathe, but no one would work with her because of her aggression towards me. which is funny because she always did what they said, she just cussed me the entire time. I would ask them when we interviewed them not to speak to me under any circumstances because it upsets her and every time they would. Even when I would go off away from them they would hunt me down. It was hard having everyone hear bad things about me, it hurt because I am the only on that has been here for her in the last 2 years.
We have had some of the best stress relief laughing about some of the things that go on here, it makes it easier to get thru each day. I also took a vacation spur of the moment to Hawaii and every time I think I cant go on I close my eyes and see the beach. I hope things get easier for you. helpful things to try. 1) schedule is important. sane thing every day even tho they don't remember doing them they kind of do 2) giving them time alone away from everything calms them 3)rocking chair or glider helps calm nerves 4) never engage them when they are upset 5) always greet them with a positive tone, even when you are frustrated 6) compliment them 7) try to focus their attention to something else 8) give them a project they can handle, like folding laundry 9) when instructing them to do something be positive, don't point out something they are doing wrong
Encouraged be reading these stories. My mother is in a nursing home and I am the one who must visit. She has dementia and mental illness and is very abusive to me, using bullying tactics, etc. A visit leaves me drained, anxious, depressed amd feeling ill for several days. I must love but do not like her or enjoy her.
Why is she abusive? Does she have Alzheimer's or other cognitive disease? Can she take care of herself? is this new behavior or has she aklways b een like this? Does she need a medical evaluation. Can you move out?
When you are away, or out, is your Mom alone the entire time? Her verbal tirade when you arrive back at home may be her way of releasing her built-up fear and/or anger that she feels abandoned throughout her day, is hungry, didn't know what to do when you were gone, etc., all of which might go hand-in-hand with symptoms of dementia.
You may want to go with her to her next doctor's apppointment and let her and her doctor know that you are concerned by specific symptoms Mom is exhibiting and ask for medical guidance. I would not be surprised if she does not have memory of her ugly verbal tirades sometimes.
Does she remain in that mode for the duration of her evening once you are home, or is there a point where she tends to calm down? Maybe walking in the door with a game plan that helps to diffuse her anger might be helpful? When you first walk in, you might be the one to start speaking to her right away, letting her know how tired you are and need her help to set the table, etc., then ask her to help you with simple-command individual tasks that help to re-direct her attentiion by keeping her focused on what she can do.
You may also want to play some soft-sounding music when you get home, preferably classiccal music, or oldies and goodies, and take her back in time through the music to more pleasant memories? Sometimes I enjoy listening to big-band concerts on public radio with my Mom, and we sit side-by-side as band directors to the invisible orchestra. It is refreshing, including for me as a caregiver. Maybe a regular cup of tea time when you get home is something to look forward to and have her set the tea cups, etc.? A lot you can try, but like many of us caregivers, what works one time, may not work another time. It helps to be creative and to remain positive within your spirit, if you can. Not easy to do, but for me, it has not been impossible, either. Keep sharing. Other caregivers understand and will be supportive. Hugs.
I have mom issues. I am only child. My mom is very nasty,ugly and verbally abusive to me. She is controlling also. People have tried to give her help she dismisses it. Will not go in a home. Had a stroke 4 yrs ago bed bound cannot walk or take care of herself at all in diapers. Need help badly.Any sugesstions?
Tiffie, does mom live with you, you with her or what?
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Who provides her care? If it's you, are you paid to do so? Would you keep caring for someone else as a job if they verbally abused you?
She refuses to go to a home. Is that because she has you to provide care? Perhaps that needs to change? Perhaps you need to say " mom, starting next week, I'm not available to provide your care any longer. What arrangements would you like me to make?
At some point, I realized, the tables have turned and it's time
she realizes that. When she would begin to get abusive, I would
tell her, "Not acceptable behavior." and turn my back and walk out. When something needed to be done in some way, I laid down the law that it would be done my way. I wouldn't get angry, just keep insisting that this is the way it was going to be... period.
It may sound harsh, but I had to stop the abusive behavior
and tantrums, and the only way to do that was not to let her
get what she wanted -- mainly, a reaction or her way. It will
begin to fade, then it will rear it's ugly head again (stay firm),
then it will stop. I train dogs, and use the same tried and true
methods with them.
You don't say if you moved in with her or just visit. If you have
the financial option, you might want to check out Assisted Living
facilities and see if that's possible. As one friend told me, "What
price tag do you want to put on your life?"
Best wishes,
Joanne
Smart lady you are. We had a caregiver that mom didn't like and we said too bad. The woman hung in there, and now mom considers her family!! This is not an easy job we do, but you should be commended for taking care of your MIL. I never would have been able to do it. Good for you.
Linda
In order to bring her home. I cleaned the clutter out of her walking area. Threw out cardboard, paper, plastic, old food past expiration days, cleaned out refrig/freezer stocked pantry with all canned goods, restocked fridge with replacement for past due/ restocked freezer with homemade portions so she could just nook. All at my cost. Washed all the dishes in her cabinets, made sure her bills were paid (shepaid) kept up with all paperwork. Set up the bed next to where she sleeps with easy to get to clean slack/top/unders in neat piles. Removed scattered rugs. Made sure she had proper walker. Bedside commode. Raised toilet. Walkways clear for safety and visited every day while she was in the convalescent home to encourage her recovery. She is home now I have become her whipping boy saying I had no right to touch anything in her house. Also she had a spare rooms with boxes on a full bed that I put on floor to stay when she came home to make sure she was okay when she came home and any stuff that was in her walkway for safety I put that in the spare room. I ran out of time to work on the spare room. Her home was welcoming when she came home with the exception of the spare room which I ran out of time and energy because she came home. I also did all her shopping for 5 months and took her to all Doctor appointments. She has become very nasty to me and said I had no right to change anything without her their. I was also calling her 2x a day. She looks like she is possessed and is accusing me of steeling. Drinking a liquor she had in her home. Telling me I am fat. Saying things like, doesn't your husband say anything about the way you look. We're you drinking while you cleaned the house. If I went back to the convalescent home you would probably burn my house down, etc. Very Very abusuve remarks. I neglected myself while trying to be there for her. I was cutting my own hair, not being around friends, being away from husband more than I would like to make sure everything would be okay for my mother. I am soooo hurt. I have decided to make sure her needs are met as far as food, etc. and appt. but even though I care about her I have to separate and let her be on her own Cuz she is killing me. Comments welcome!
I was not sure I could deal with it, she was telling our son bad things about me, ranting to my husband about me when ever I walked out of a room. I did a lot of research and found a few things that helped. we put a rocking chair in front of her window, bought her a tv. (rocking helps sooth elderly patients) We started giving her time alone away from the commotion of everyday life, and she improved. We also stopped engaging her, when she would start we tell her that we will talk about it in a little bit and walk away. She never remembers when we come back in.
We tried hiring pt people and people to help her bathe, but no one would work with her because of her aggression towards me. which is funny because she always did what they said, she just cussed me the entire time. I would ask them when we interviewed them not to speak to me under any circumstances because it upsets her and every time they would. Even when I would go off away from them they would hunt me down. It was hard having everyone hear bad things about me, it hurt because I am the only on that has been here for her in the last 2 years.
We have had some of the best stress relief laughing about some of the things that go on here, it makes it easier to get thru each day. I also took a vacation spur of the moment to Hawaii and every time I think I cant go on I close my eyes and see the beach. I hope things get easier for you.
helpful things to try.
1) schedule is important. sane thing every day even tho they don't remember doing them they kind of do
2) giving them time alone away from everything calms them
3)rocking chair or glider helps calm nerves
4) never engage them when they are upset
5) always greet them with a positive tone, even when you are frustrated
6) compliment them
7) try to focus their attention to something else
8) give them a project they can handle, like folding laundry
9) when instructing them to do something be positive, don't point out something they are doing wrong
0
Can you move out?
You may want to go with her to her next doctor's apppointment and let her and her doctor know that you are concerned by specific symptoms Mom is exhibiting and ask for medical guidance. I would not be surprised if she does not have memory of her ugly verbal tirades sometimes.
Does she remain in that mode for the duration of her evening once you are home, or is there a point where she tends to calm down? Maybe walking in the door with a game plan that helps to diffuse her anger might be helpful? When you first walk in, you might be the one to start speaking to her right away, letting her know how tired you are and need her help to set the table, etc., then ask her to help you with simple-command individual tasks that help to re-direct her attentiion by keeping her focused on what she can do.
You may also want to play some soft-sounding music when you get home, preferably classiccal music, or oldies and goodies, and take her back in time through the music to more pleasant memories? Sometimes I enjoy listening to big-band concerts on public radio with my Mom, and we sit side-by-side as band directors to the invisible orchestra. It is refreshing, including for me as a caregiver. Maybe a regular cup of tea time when you get home is something to look forward to and have her set the tea cups, etc.? A lot you can try, but like many of us caregivers, what works one time, may not work another time. It helps to be creative and to remain positive within your spirit, if you can. Not easy to do, but for me, it has not been impossible, either. Keep sharing. Other caregivers understand and will be supportive. Hugs.
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Who provides her care? If it's you, are you paid to do so? Would you keep caring for someone else as a job if they verbally abused you?
She refuses to go to a home. Is that because she has you to provide care? Perhaps that needs to change? Perhaps you need to say " mom, starting next week, I'm not available to provide your care any longer. What arrangements would you like me to make?
See All Answers