Dying wife has chosen to stay with son because he can offer her the spiritual support that I can't. What rights do I have as her husband?

Sorry for your loss, have solace in knowing that she knew you loved her and wanted to be by her side.

I'm so sorry.

Dear Mr. Flad,
I totally respect your right to believe or not believe anything you choose!
After what you have experienced, avoiding the son and any cult followers is highly advisable, you don't need to be hurt more or measured and found lacking, or judged by him ever again. Protect yourself. imo.

You may not believe the same as her and her son spiritually, but recognize that emotionally many people turn to religion when faced with a serious life problem and certainly end of life.
Anyway to make peace with son? Bite your tongue and go along, you do not have to be a believer, just not a debater. And for goodness sake forget the claim.

Flagnad62, you did your very best, and I know you gave it a lot of consideration trying to come to some understanding regarding your wife's end of life choices. You Loved her, now it's time to grieve, and move on knowing that. I'm sorry for your loss! Take care!

My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.

My deepest condolences to you. Cherish the good times, that's what was important.

Sorry for your loss. Our prayers are with you.

So sorry for your loss. Sorry that it was made worse by her son's actions against you. Gives 'religion, faith, and christainity' a bad name.

Try to remember her when she was with you-not so much those final months.

My wife passed on Thursday. No more pain. Thank You all for your support and input.
Fladnag60 couldn't remember my password for that account

AmyGrace has a great idea. I know you don't get along with her son, but this isn't about you and him. It's about your wife. Give her what she wants and needs. I can promise you that if you swallow little pride and just go with the flow (even if it sticks in your craw with all the religious stuff) let that go in favor of loving your wife. I know you'll feel better when she does go if you have shown her that you do in fact have unconditional love for her.

These boards are full of people who have horrible regrets for the way "left things" with their loved ones. Since you do not believe in an afterlife, what harm would if do for you to "fake it" for her sake?

My MIL and FIL were divorced many years before my FIL died. My MIL had nothing good to say to him or about him. When he passed she didn't even acknowledge his death to their children--and it caused some real pain for the kids. They were forced to take sides and they loved both their parents. In the end, dad had peace and mom is still as angry as she always was. So very sad.

Perhaps this time apart has softened your heart. Tell your son in law you won't discuss religion ( we don't discuss politics at our house) and both of you respect that. You won't regret making amends with your wife, but you will be kicking yourself senseless if you don't.

Good luck with this.

This reminds me of what happened with my father, 40 years ago, dying of pancreatic cancer. My father was an agnostic, my mother neutral on religion. My cousin was a very religious man, a good good kind man. My mother said my cousin came to the door and asked if he could see my dad, pray for him. My mother turned him away, wouldn't let him in the door. I was always sorry about that. I would have let him in.

Since your wife has little time left, and you love her, wouldn't it be best for her to see you and her son get along? How about phoning her son and meeting up to discuss how the two of you can present a strong support team even if you don't agree on religion? She is dying. If my spouse was dying and wanted to pray to Zeus, I would be by his side praying with him - anything to give him comfort and peace. Even if you don't believe, she needs to believe now, more than ever.

Thanks StacyB. Don't concern yourself with your rough handling of my original post. I deserved that. I wrote that in haste and it came across as money was my only concern. I don't care about any of that anymore. Like its going to change my life.
I have thought about a letter to her. But I'm concerned it will sound as shitty as my first post here. I don't want to make her feel guilty. I don't want to add any more pain to her situation. I have tried, I just don't know where to start without making it sound all about me. I just want her to be at peace with her choices. Each time I try, I get as far as writing My Dearest Wife who I will never stop loving,,, and then the rest is a blank page. I'm spinning my wheels here. I think I may need to speak with a professional.

Fladnag60, perhaps you could write her a Love Letter, telling her how much you Love and miss he. Sometimes writing things down, and then as the receiver, seeing those things written down really hit home, from the fact that you really had the opportunity to think about exactly what you wanted to say, and were able to get it out without interruption. Then she'll truly know how much this separation has meant to you. I'm sorry that you are going through this very difficult time! I know that I was rough on you when you first posted, but we didn't have a clear picture of exactly what you were going through at the time!

My step daughter posted a picture on FB with my wife and her tonight. Seeing my wife for the first time in 4 months, I can't stop crying. I miss her terribly.

Thank You

Sorry - one other thing.

The way you phrase your post headline - that her son offers your wife spiritual support that you can't - hints at a sense of failure on your part which I'd like to address. There is no failure. I suspect there's bugger all spirituality about it, quite frankly, for that matter; what there is is an emotional turmoil including a good deal of desperation and desire for redemption; but you caused none of it. I'm sorrier still, because that leads me to think that you must be suffering a terrible sense of failure and rejection. But it's not you. It's them. You did your best.

Fladnag60, I'm sorry to read of your wife's illness and your difficult history as a family. If there is any comfort for you, seeing as you have one way or another been prematurely separated from her, it must surely be in knowing that you have done your best to love and support a very troubled lady.

The possible benefits claim is to your wife's advantage. Give her and the son any information they need to progress it, and leave it to them. If the son does nothing about it he's a) a fool and b) failing to safeguard his mother's interests; but it won't be your problem, and it would be understandable if it just isn't a priority they want to tackle right now. If you're not satisfied with that, ring the social security office and ask their advice about what you should do.

Other than that, don't you feel it might be best for you to say a private goodbye to your wife and mentally let her go? I can't help but wonder what the other people in your life who love and care about you might have to say.

So sorry! Yours is an unusual circumstance. You can come here for support, where it was said before, not everyone is a person of faith or an atheist.

The AA programs are also not christian, although founded by a christian. Referencing whomever your higher power may be, any of those could be a place of a certain kind of support for you also. In those programs, they say, keep coming back.
You are also invited to keep coming back, you don't have to answer any questions or give details you don't want. Guessing it is time to start taking care of yourself.

Your comments on the earlier relationship when she was addicted are I think one of the keys to her reliance on him now. There are bonds, and as Susan noted, some unusual and co-dependent aspects to their relationship. These aren't going to be modified now, but probably intensified as she relies on him during what could be the end of her life.

The fact that's she's been married 5 times should also be some kind of indication of challenges to a marital relationship.

I think you're wise to accept that this is a complex, unusual relationship and that you're not going to be able to make any inroads. Her stepson has a lock on contact with her.

Thank you all again for all of your advice, I am not going to get in a shouting match again. The thought of my wife hearing the last one disturbs me. I usually avoid confrontations like that, but last time he started his shouting I just hung up on him. I wasn't going to let him off that easy this time. It was just 5 months of being alienated got the better of me. As much as I don't want to I am going to just stay out of it and let my wife enjoy whatever time she has left in peace. Who knows most pancreatic cancer patients die in the first 6 month. But she has proven doctors wrong in the past, and could very well beat those 3% odds of living longer than 5. I just have to move on with whats left of my life.

Someone who is living with cancer just does not need the added stress of shouting matches between family members. It appears that your wife made a decision while still of sound mind. If that decision is just another poor decision, I don't suggest you try to fight it for your wife's sake. Give her the peace she so desperately seeks.

Try to plan your finances as best you can without her, protecting any community assets as best you can by seeking legal advice. You don't yet know, but her actions may in some way be protecting you from the financial devastation a terminal illness may cause if she is living with her son. I don't know.

As for missing her, loving her, if they do attend a church at all, go there, meeting up with the leaders ahead of time, just be there, don't cause a scene. She may ask to see you. If it is in public, that request should not be denied. You don't have to be a christian to go to a public place of gathering where everyone is welcome.

If that is not how it plays out, then something is seriously wrong in the neighborhood. If you suspect she is under the influence of a strange cult, then that is a whole different story. Even so, if death is emminent, the stress of making any changes could be fatal to her.

What is it that brought you together as husband and wife? Were you married in a church? What is it that you believe about life and death?

Again, so sorry that you are going through this.

None of my suggestions may be possible for you, and I am so sorry that you are separated from your wife.

I can only say that if I were your wife and knew that I was dying, I would want to be with people who felt and believed as I do. Sounds like the fighting between you and her son has been long term. She needs peace. She deserves it. I'm sorry you feel that there is money there that you could be getting if you could get her to "cooperate"--but I think she is where she wants to be.

You have a right to believe or not believe, that's for sure, but your wife has her rights too. She is where she feels comforted and safe. Perhaps being with her son and him providing spiritual support is the best thing for her, I'm sorry you can't see that. It's probably tearing your wife up, too, that you can't be with her, but how can you make that happen so she can go in peace? She and her comfort should be the ONLY things on your mind. Fighting over religious differences while someone is actively dying is so....pointless.

Just saying....the mother-son relationship sounds very, very unhealthy and co-dependent. 15-25 phone calls a day, she has to call whenever she goes anywhere and then again when she gets home, call to pray over the phone before she goes to sleep?

That's some very strange stuff there.

Thanks StacyB & vstefans but those just aren't going to work. My stepson never had a father so he is really overly concerned for his mom. When she was home with me he on average would call her 15-25 times a day. Whenever we were going out she would have to call him. When we got home she would call. When she was going to sleep she would have to call him so they could say there prayers. I don't ever recall watching an entire 2 hour movie which we would have to pause because he was calling. There is a lot of baggage in the relationship. When he was young she was a drug addict and he was basically her mom and controlled her. He has never gotten over that.
As for what religion they are, its not RC. Basically its whatever he dictates. He just makes up the rules as he goes to suit his beliefs. He convinced my wife to go to an organized church each Sunday early in our marriage. Calvary Chapel I think it was. When he realized a few years later it was just mind control and a money grab. They stopped it. Then they started having Bible Study sessions in our Home. Basically I had zero rights. His take on it would be she is my mom and I can come to your house and do what I want, whenever I want.. When bringing up the issue to my wife, she would take his side of coarse and claim i just disliked him and his beliefs.
Looking back now that was the time in our marriage when I lost my rights and he just cranked up the crusade to save his mom fro the heathen. My wife was married 5 times, me being the fifth. I used to think she was really a bad judge of men, but now realize NO MAN is good enough for her son.

StacyB is on to something. Kill 'em with kindness. Make your son wonder how an atheist can have so much love and kindness to give...maybe he'd even read a little of Papa Francis' writings about the honest unbelievers and how we may meet some of them in Heaven, because it is the love and the integrity that matter more than the theological opinions.

Flad, why not start off slow. Give your Step son a call, asking if there is anything you can do or get for her, grocery or drugstore items. Bring by flowers, candy, magazines and a card. Offer your support in any way possible. Agree to disagree with your Step son, because you Love your wife. Unless there is something more you aren't saying, there is no reason for him stopping you from seeing her, as long as you can keep any animosity out of the equation. Be respectful of their religious beliefs, no matter what. What religion are they practicing anyways? I like you, was raised in the Catholic faith, but I can be respectful of any religion, and it doesn't seem fair to withhold her from you. You guys haven't had any physical altercations have you? Have you spoken to her Dr's about her care? Is she receiving Hospice in his home right now? Is she actively receiving treatment, chemo, radiation? Think of ways where you can be supportive to them both, and try to find a way to keep religion out of your conversations, or just be respectful. The more you share, the mor suggestions you will receive. Does your wife have any other children, or close family members that can be helpful in mediating the situation?

You say she is staying with her son, is there any possibility that she could be moved to a hospice facility? I'm sure there must be some faith based ones that he might find acceptable. It would give you the opportunity to have more contact with her as well as giving her better care, 'cause even if he is there 24/7 he can't do the work of 3 shifts of trained professionals.

Fladnag60, well, to my way of thinking, if you have been a all around good husband, and it sounds like you have, then you certainly have every right to see your wife. But somehow, and for now, leaving the money talk off the table, you need to perhaps get a family counselor involved to mediate this situation. The most important thing here is to be able to see her, to tell her how much you Love her and to be as supportive as possible. Are you Not able to speak to her on the phone? You must try to calmly discuss this situation with her Son, who to me, does sound quite overbearing and perhaps a little fanatical regarding his religion, but he is now in the middle, and you have to find a way around him. You could agree to participate in their religious beliefs and practices just for now, and in support of your wife, making it clear to him, that you are doing this for her benefit, and who knows, maybe you will have a better understanding of Christianity and why this is such a comfort to her right now. I don't see how going with the flow on this will harm you in any way, if you are able to not put any negatively into it. Maybe saying that you will be open to listening to their religious prayers and ministry, they will let you in to see her. Remember, this is what is bringing her comfort right now, that and the obviously undying Love from her Son. I suggest a mediator, even one from their own church might be open to understand your point of view.