Dying wife has chosen to stay with son because he can offer her the spiritual support that I can't. What rights do I have as her husband?

Your wife may have cancer, but it does not take away her mind. She has the right to see you if she wants. Only she has the right to start a disability claim. And only she has the right to give you access to her medical records. I hope that she finds the spiritual help she needs with her son. If she were to qualify for disability, of course it should go toward helping to meet her needs at the time. I don't know how old you are, but I hope you are able to find support for yourself, so that you don't need her little SS check.

This woman is possibly dying and you want to start a SS claim without her knowledge? I have a feeling she is with her son for reasons other than "spiritual".

This sounds so much about money and absolutely nothing about Love Care and concern of your Wife, her diagnosis, treatment and your Support! Is that really what you should be thinking about at this time? How much money you can get from her before her passing? If I were you, I would be reading up on what exactly stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer is all about, just how this is affecting her and how You can make the rest of Her life easier and how You can be more Helpful, Kind and Loving towards Her! Get your priorities straight Man! Now, If I am Way off the mark, than you didn't do a very good job explaining your question posed to the Hard Working and Loving Caregivers on this site, and I hope you come back an re-word your question!

Because she left by her own choice, your status is "estranged". You can't force her to see you. See a lawyer on how to handle things.

Pancreatic cancer is one of the worse cancers you can get. Suffering is an understatement and you are worried about money and her wanting to be with her son. Give your head a shake!

I may have come across as being callous in my post. That is not how I intended to sound. The religious aspect has always been a problem between her son and I. Her 42 year old son is overprotective and much to involved with his moms life. He always be worried that I would take his mom to hell with me. We had a screaming match the other night, a he blamed for her pancreatic cancer. He has always insisted staying with her when she was going to be staying in the hospital , so my wife preferred that I stay home and avoid the tension. Being a non-believer I can't compete with promise her the everlasting salvation. that he would give her.
Now fI ind myself alienated and in a complete vacuum and unfortunately decisions that are not made now, could have a future impact on me. It that sounds cold believe me I dearly wish she were healthy and with me. I moved to California 16 years ago to be with her. and have we have never been apart other than hospital stays. Maybe I should move on to a atheist forum for my concerns.
But I do thank those who responded for making me realize how insensitive my post did sound.

She really needs her faith now more than ever. I really do think that is it in a nutshell. My mom and I were of different faiths in many ways, though we would both identify as Christian. The message to me about wanting her to finally do some things that I thought would be a far better was to live was simply that she was doing what she thought was right, and it should not be taken away from her. I would think you could be part of her life again if you could accept her faith and support her, even though you don't intellectually agree. You can let her son (not your son too, either adoptive or biological?) know about the possibly increased financial support they might have but it really is up to her.

That is not going to happen.Even my wife was hinting a few months ago too just go along with it. She bounced it off him and he said I don't believe it. And he is right, as much as I wish I could I am not going to deny who I am. After our 20 minute screaming match and he finally calmed down, he just began proselytizing and telling me I have to "Accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior". He has never accepted me for who I am. I never made religion and issue but he did. What do you with someone like that. It's not worth wasting my breath trying to get through to him. The cold truth at this point is I am not going to be able to say goodbye to my wife and I cry myself to sleep each night, with that reality.

Flad your son sounds like a radical christian. Trust me, we are not all like that.

I'm sorry if we were hard on you. Don't move to an atheist site. We are not all christian's on here. We are good, kind people and it sounds like you need the support especially if you are crying yourself to sleep each night. I'm sorry.

It's stepson. I didn't meet him till he was 26, well past his formative years. But, If he were a Muslim,he would probably be strapping on a suicide vest. *grin* But he's just a born again ex-surfer dude who can't see past the little Jesus dude on his nose.

Well as I said not all people who believe in God are like that.

I spent the first 14 years of my life as a Roman Catholic, I am aware of that.
Thanks again

Fladnag60, well, to my way of thinking, if you have been a all around good husband, and it sounds like you have, then you certainly have every right to see your wife. But somehow, and for now, leaving the money talk off the table, you need to perhaps get a family counselor involved to mediate this situation. The most important thing here is to be able to see her, to tell her how much you Love her and to be as supportive as possible. Are you Not able to speak to her on the phone? You must try to calmly discuss this situation with her Son, who to me, does sound quite overbearing and perhaps a little fanatical regarding his religion, but he is now in the middle, and you have to find a way around him. You could agree to participate in their religious beliefs and practices just for now, and in support of your wife, making it clear to him, that you are doing this for her benefit, and who knows, maybe you will have a better understanding of Christianity and why this is such a comfort to her right now. I don't see how going with the flow on this will harm you in any way, if you are able to not put any negatively into it. Maybe saying that you will be open to listening to their religious prayers and ministry, they will let you in to see her. Remember, this is what is bringing her comfort right now, that and the obviously undying Love from her Son. I suggest a mediator, even one from their own church might be open to understand your point of view.

You say she is staying with her son, is there any possibility that she could be moved to a hospice facility? I'm sure there must be some faith based ones that he might find acceptable. It would give you the opportunity to have more contact with her as well as giving her better care, 'cause even if he is there 24/7 he can't do the work of 3 shifts of trained professionals.

Flad, why not start off slow. Give your Step son a call, asking if there is anything you can do or get for her, grocery or drugstore items. Bring by flowers, candy, magazines and a card. Offer your support in any way possible. Agree to disagree with your Step son, because you Love your wife. Unless there is something more you aren't saying, there is no reason for him stopping you from seeing her, as long as you can keep any animosity out of the equation. Be respectful of their religious beliefs, no matter what. What religion are they practicing anyways? I like you, was raised in the Catholic faith, but I can be respectful of any religion, and it doesn't seem fair to withhold her from you. You guys haven't had any physical altercations have you? Have you spoken to her Dr's about her care? Is she receiving Hospice in his home right now? Is she actively receiving treatment, chemo, radiation? Think of ways where you can be supportive to them both, and try to find a way to keep religion out of your conversations, or just be respectful. The more you share, the mor suggestions you will receive. Does your wife have any other children, or close family members that can be helpful in mediating the situation?

StacyB is on to something. Kill 'em with kindness. Make your son wonder how an atheist can have so much love and kindness to give...maybe he'd even read a little of Papa Francis' writings about the honest unbelievers and how we may meet some of them in Heaven, because it is the love and the integrity that matter more than the theological opinions.

Thanks StacyB & vstefans but those just aren't going to work. My stepson never had a father so he is really overly concerned for his mom. When she was home with me he on average would call her 15-25 times a day. Whenever we were going out she would have to call him. When we got home she would call. When she was going to sleep she would have to call him so they could say there prayers. I don't ever recall watching an entire 2 hour movie which we would have to pause because he was calling. There is a lot of baggage in the relationship. When he was young she was a drug addict and he was basically her mom and controlled her. He has never gotten over that.
As for what religion they are, its not RC. Basically its whatever he dictates. He just makes up the rules as he goes to suit his beliefs. He convinced my wife to go to an organized church each Sunday early in our marriage. Calvary Chapel I think it was. When he realized a few years later it was just mind control and a money grab. They stopped it. Then they started having Bible Study sessions in our Home. Basically I had zero rights. His take on it would be she is my mom and I can come to your house and do what I want, whenever I want.. When bringing up the issue to my wife, she would take his side of coarse and claim i just disliked him and his beliefs.
Looking back now that was the time in our marriage when I lost my rights and he just cranked up the crusade to save his mom fro the heathen. My wife was married 5 times, me being the fifth. I used to think she was really a bad judge of men, but now realize NO MAN is good enough for her son.

Just saying....the mother-son relationship sounds very, very unhealthy and co-dependent. 15-25 phone calls a day, she has to call whenever she goes anywhere and then again when she gets home, call to pray over the phone before she goes to sleep?

That's some very strange stuff there.

I can only say that if I were your wife and knew that I was dying, I would want to be with people who felt and believed as I do. Sounds like the fighting between you and her son has been long term. She needs peace. She deserves it. I'm sorry you feel that there is money there that you could be getting if you could get her to "cooperate"--but I think she is where she wants to be.

You have a right to believe or not believe, that's for sure, but your wife has her rights too. She is where she feels comforted and safe. Perhaps being with her son and him providing spiritual support is the best thing for her, I'm sorry you can't see that. It's probably tearing your wife up, too, that you can't be with her, but how can you make that happen so she can go in peace? She and her comfort should be the ONLY things on your mind. Fighting over religious differences while someone is actively dying is so....pointless.

Someone who is living with cancer just does not need the added stress of shouting matches between family members. It appears that your wife made a decision while still of sound mind. If that decision is just another poor decision, I don't suggest you try to fight it for your wife's sake. Give her the peace she so desperately seeks.

Try to plan your finances as best you can without her, protecting any community assets as best you can by seeking legal advice. You don't yet know, but her actions may in some way be protecting you from the financial devastation a terminal illness may cause if she is living with her son. I don't know.

As for missing her, loving her, if they do attend a church at all, go there, meeting up with the leaders ahead of time, just be there, don't cause a scene. She may ask to see you. If it is in public, that request should not be denied. You don't have to be a christian to go to a public place of gathering where everyone is welcome.

If that is not how it plays out, then something is seriously wrong in the neighborhood. If you suspect she is under the influence of a strange cult, then that is a whole different story. Even so, if death is emminent, the stress of making any changes could be fatal to her.

What is it that brought you together as husband and wife? Were you married in a church? What is it that you believe about life and death?

Again, so sorry that you are going through this.

None of my suggestions may be possible for you, and I am so sorry that you are separated from your wife.

Thank you all again for all of your advice, I am not going to get in a shouting match again. The thought of my wife hearing the last one disturbs me. I usually avoid confrontations like that, but last time he started his shouting I just hung up on him. I wasn't going to let him off that easy this time. It was just 5 months of being alienated got the better of me. As much as I don't want to I am going to just stay out of it and let my wife enjoy whatever time she has left in peace. Who knows most pancreatic cancer patients die in the first 6 month. But she has proven doctors wrong in the past, and could very well beat those 3% odds of living longer than 5. I just have to move on with whats left of my life.

Your comments on the earlier relationship when she was addicted are I think one of the keys to her reliance on him now. There are bonds, and as Susan noted, some unusual and co-dependent aspects to their relationship. These aren't going to be modified now, but probably intensified as she relies on him during what could be the end of her life.

The fact that's she's been married 5 times should also be some kind of indication of challenges to a marital relationship.

I think you're wise to accept that this is a complex, unusual relationship and that you're not going to be able to make any inroads. Her stepson has a lock on contact with her.

So sorry! Yours is an unusual circumstance. You can come here for support, where it was said before, not everyone is a person of faith or an atheist.

The AA programs are also not christian, although founded by a christian. Referencing whomever your higher power may be, any of those could be a place of a certain kind of support for you also. In those programs, they say, keep coming back.
You are also invited to keep coming back, you don't have to answer any questions or give details you don't want. Guessing it is time to start taking care of yourself.

Fladnag60, I'm sorry to read of your wife's illness and your difficult history as a family. If there is any comfort for you, seeing as you have one way or another been prematurely separated from her, it must surely be in knowing that you have done your best to love and support a very troubled lady.

The possible benefits claim is to your wife's advantage. Give her and the son any information they need to progress it, and leave it to them. If the son does nothing about it he's a) a fool and b) failing to safeguard his mother's interests; but it won't be your problem, and it would be understandable if it just isn't a priority they want to tackle right now. If you're not satisfied with that, ring the social security office and ask their advice about what you should do.

Other than that, don't you feel it might be best for you to say a private goodbye to your wife and mentally let her go? I can't help but wonder what the other people in your life who love and care about you might have to say.

Sorry - one other thing.

The way you phrase your post headline - that her son offers your wife spiritual support that you can't - hints at a sense of failure on your part which I'd like to address. There is no failure. I suspect there's bugger all spirituality about it, quite frankly, for that matter; what there is is an emotional turmoil including a good deal of desperation and desire for redemption; but you caused none of it. I'm sorrier still, because that leads me to think that you must be suffering a terrible sense of failure and rejection. But it's not you. It's them. You did your best.

Thank You

My step daughter posted a picture on FB with my wife and her tonight. Seeing my wife for the first time in 4 months, I can't stop crying. I miss her terribly.

Fladnag60, perhaps you could write her a Love Letter, telling her how much you Love and miss he. Sometimes writing things down, and then as the receiver, seeing those things written down really hit home, from the fact that you really had the opportunity to think about exactly what you wanted to say, and were able to get it out without interruption. Then she'll truly know how much this separation has meant to you. I'm sorry that you are going through this very difficult time! I know that I was rough on you when you first posted, but we didn't have a clear picture of exactly what you were going through at the time!

Thanks StacyB. Don't concern yourself with your rough handling of my original post. I deserved that. I wrote that in haste and it came across as money was my only concern. I don't care about any of that anymore. Like its going to change my life.
I have thought about a letter to her. But I'm concerned it will sound as shitty as my first post here. I don't want to make her feel guilty. I don't want to add any more pain to her situation. I have tried, I just don't know where to start without making it sound all about me. I just want her to be at peace with her choices. Each time I try, I get as far as writing My Dearest Wife who I will never stop loving,,, and then the rest is a blank page. I'm spinning my wheels here. I think I may need to speak with a professional.

Since your wife has little time left, and you love her, wouldn't it be best for her to see you and her son get along? How about phoning her son and meeting up to discuss how the two of you can present a strong support team even if you don't agree on religion? She is dying. If my spouse was dying and wanted to pray to Zeus, I would be by his side praying with him - anything to give him comfort and peace. Even if you don't believe, she needs to believe now, more than ever.