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My wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer back in October. She is staying with her son since he can off the spiritual support she needs. I am not religious and this has always caused problems between her son & I. Her son and I got into a screaming match over the phone the other day and it basically comes down to he blames me for everything including her cancer. My wife was still helping to contribute to the monthly rent while staying with him but now her son is basically controlling all aspects of her life and that has stopped.. I believe he is screening any calls or texts I send to her. My wife was is on SSA early retirement but I have since become aware that she is likely eligible to receiver her full pension amount on SS Disability. Possibly retroactive to when she first had her symptoms and since she is terminal she can be fast tracked on what SSD call Compassionate Allowance.
She is trapped between her son and I and is taking strong narcotics for pain and at this point I am not even sure how lucid she is. What rights do I have as her husband to
1. Be able to see or speak with her without her sons interference or presence.
2. To start the disability claim without her consent if and get access to her medical records.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank You

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Someone who is living with cancer just does not need the added stress of shouting matches between family members. It appears that your wife made a decision while still of sound mind. If that decision is just another poor decision, I don't suggest you try to fight it for your wife's sake. Give her the peace she so desperately seeks.

Try to plan your finances as best you can without her, protecting any community assets as best you can by seeking legal advice. You don't yet know, but her actions may in some way be protecting you from the financial devastation a terminal illness may cause if she is living with her son. I don't know.

As for missing her, loving her, if they do attend a church at all, go there, meeting up with the leaders ahead of time, just be there, don't cause a scene. She may ask to see you. If it is in public, that request should not be denied. You don't have to be a christian to go to a public place of gathering where everyone is welcome.

If that is not how it plays out, then something is seriously wrong in the neighborhood. If you suspect she is under the influence of a strange cult, then that is a whole different story. Even so, if death is emminent, the stress of making any changes could be fatal to her.

What is it that brought you together as husband and wife? Were you married in a church? What is it that you believe about life and death?

Again, so sorry that you are going through this.

None of my suggestions may be possible for you, and I am so sorry that you are separated from your wife.
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This woman is possibly dying and you want to start a SS claim without her knowledge? I have a feeling she is with her son for reasons other than "spiritual".
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Because she left by her own choice, your status is "estranged". You can't force her to see you. See a lawyer on how to handle things.
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Flad your son sounds like a radical christian. Trust me, we are not all like that.

I'm sorry if we were hard on you. Don't move to an atheist site. We are not all christian's on here. We are good, kind people and it sounds like you need the support especially if you are crying yourself to sleep each night. I'm sorry.
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Just saying....the mother-son relationship sounds very, very unhealthy and co-dependent. 15-25 phone calls a day, she has to call whenever she goes anywhere and then again when she gets home, call to pray over the phone before she goes to sleep?

That's some very strange stuff there.
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Sorry - one other thing.

The way you phrase your post headline - that her son offers your wife spiritual support that you can't - hints at a sense of failure on your part which I'd like to address. There is no failure. I suspect there's bugger all spirituality about it, quite frankly, for that matter; what there is is an emotional turmoil including a good deal of desperation and desire for redemption; but you caused none of it. I'm sorrier still, because that leads me to think that you must be suffering a terrible sense of failure and rejection. But it's not you. It's them. You did your best.
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Pancreatic cancer is one of the worse cancers you can get. Suffering is an understatement and you are worried about money and her wanting to be with her son. Give your head a shake!
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I may have come across as being callous in my post. That is not how I intended to sound. The religious aspect has always been a problem between her son and I. Her 42 year old son is overprotective and much to involved with his moms life. He always be worried that I would take his mom to hell with me. We had a screaming match the other night, a he blamed for her pancreatic cancer. He has always insisted staying with her when she was going to be staying in the hospital , so my wife preferred that I stay home and avoid the tension. Being a non-believer I can't compete with promise her the everlasting salvation. that he would give her.
Now fI ind myself alienated and in a complete vacuum and unfortunately decisions that are not made now, could have a future impact on me. It that sounds cold believe me I dearly wish she were healthy and with me. I moved to California 16 years ago to be with her. and have we have never been apart other than hospital stays. Maybe I should move on to a atheist forum for my concerns.
But I do thank those who responded for making me realize how insensitive my post did sound.
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That is not going to happen.Even my wife was hinting a few months ago too just go along with it. She bounced it off him and he said I don't believe it. And he is right, as much as I wish I could I am not going to deny who I am. After our 20 minute screaming match and he finally calmed down, he just began proselytizing and telling me I have to "Accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior". He has never accepted me for who I am. I never made religion and issue but he did. What do you with someone like that. It's not worth wasting my breath trying to get through to him. The cold truth at this point is I am not going to be able to say goodbye to my wife and I cry myself to sleep each night, with that reality.
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Your wife may have cancer, but it does not take away her mind. She has the right to see you if she wants. Only she has the right to start a disability claim. And only she has the right to give you access to her medical records. I hope that she finds the spiritual help she needs with her son. If she were to qualify for disability, of course it should go toward helping to meet her needs at the time. I don't know how old you are, but I hope you are able to find support for yourself, so that you don't need her little SS check.
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