Driving - Dr. says no more and she's furious about it. Any ideas?

I think this was the biggest fight my mother & I had. The car was about the only thing in her name only, everything else she put my name on with hers after Dad passed. Mind you she was only ever alone from Friday after lunch to Saturday afternoon and then Sunday after dinner until noon on Monday. Her younger sister came and stayed with her Mon-Fri and I came on Saturday. I took her somewhere to shop in the town about 30 minutes away and we’d go to lunch. I’d take care of her checkbook and bills when I was there, fill her med boxes and do the grocery shopping. My Aunt would help keep her company and take her to get bloodwork done or to the local senior lunch. They’d go to the Post Office to get stamps and other local errands. I’d take a day off when she had a medical appointment. Her local PCP was good about scheduling her on the same day we had the Cardiologist. Occasionally there would be a bill from the town that she could pay at the town offices and I tried hiding it and leaving for when my Aunt was there, instead 1st thing Monday morning she got in the car and off she went, got herself to the town office and then decided on the Post Office and getting gas where she drove away with the hose still in her car. That finally got her PCP to write the DMV and have her license suspended. No amount of prodding from myself, my husband or her trusted niece would get her to stop driving before that. I did take the keys once and she contacted our attorney who advised I give them back. At least once the notice arrived from the DMV she gave in.

I have thought for years that some of the DMV offices should have a driving simulator that could put a testee through a series of crisis situations, as you can't really do this on the street. It could really allow impaired drivers to see what could happen without killing anyone.

I was disappointed at how many doctors would turn to me, and tell ME (with Mom or Dad sitting right there), in a low voice (knowing my parents couldn't hear). They're more afraid of parents than WE are.
I was worried about this, but both parents gave in. Mom did so after her stroke, and Dad did so after he hit a curb and blew out his tire. Whew....
But, for you, I definitely don't recommend a cab/taxi company for two reasons. One is the exchange of money. We all know elderly people are easy to confuse and ripoff.
And the 2nd one is that a cab driver isn't necessarily going to be looking out for a passenger they drop off somewhere. Your parent could have someone unsavory approach them when they get out of the cab in a public place, and a cab driver isn't likely to be paying attention, or to intervene if they are paying attention. Likewise, they're less likely to wait for a senior to get in his/her home when being dropped at home.
Rideshare companies like Lyft eliminate the money issue, and you can arrange the ride for them, as well as watch the car on your app.
It doesn't, though, eliminate safety concerns.

There is a service called GOGOGrandparent, but I've never used it and not sure how it works. My impression is that it allows the elderly to call a rideshare without having to have a smartphone, but it still doesn't address safety concerns.

I'd google "senior transport" for your area to see if there's a bus or van that focuses on the elderly. There was a service where I used to live called "Caring man in a van"....sort of a creepy name, but I saw his cars around my city often.

I told my 96 year old dad that he had worked hard all his life and deserved to be chauffeured. I also explained that elders are always blamed for accidents whether it was their fault or not! Why would he want to risk hurting anyone and/or losing his hard earned savings. He agreed finally and I made an effort to take him on drives(when he could get in car) and get him out. Although he is no longer mobile, he loved his rides and trips through drive up for Dairy Queen.

I agree with other posters who report a lack of assistance from the official world -- police, doctors, the DMV. I have an elderly cousin who suffers from diabetes. Police have found her on the side of a highway, unable to talk, half conscious. They thought she was drunk, but her blood sugar had plummeted, leaving her unable to function. She was transported to an ER, but there were no other consequences.

She gets lost while driving and needs relatives to come rescue her. A few years ago she was trying to navigate a parking lot when she backed into a bus. She pulled forward and backed into the bus a second time, then got flustered and left the scene of the accident. Someone got her license plate number and the police arrived at her front door. After a brief chat, they left, somehow satisfied that all was well. Cousin is still driving today at almost 90. Her son, a retired attorney, has not gotten involved.

Perhaps as responsible citizens we all need to submit to regular driving exams throughout our lifetimes as a means of keeping our driving privileges. I wouldn't mind brushing up on the rules of the road every five years or so. And I've thought about taking the AARP course for refreshing my on-the-road skills.  Although I have a spotless driving record, I am now 63 and I know I don't see as well at night as in the past.  Maybe my reflexes have slowed, too.  It might be prudent to monitor my driving fitness as I age.

Legally blind and driving?? What is going on here?

Since your mom is handicapped (legally blind), there would be a discount on many forms of transportation.

Contact your Department of Transportation to get her a discount card.

Be sympathetic but firm. She can freak out all she wants, turn a deaf ear if you have to. She'll get over it in time.

Both my dad and his brother got to be dangerous drivers--my dad totaled 2 cars in the last few years he was driving; it got so that my brother and I would grab the keys before he did. His brother was driving with his wife and missed a turn in a narrow road near his house (in a small town), hit a stone wall and his wife didn't survive (he blamed the seat belt). When he moved to a facility in a nearby larger town he kept a car parked for family and friends to take him places. Fortuntely his mind was pretty good (except for reflexes) but he lost a leg to diabetes, so that answered the question of being able to drive.

One thing I told my dad was it’s like living in NYC where people don’t have cars but use transportation to get around. He had me, and the van at the IL for shopping. Later when in AL, it was just me. But now that he’s in NH, we have MedRide here to transport him in the wheelchair to appointments. He gave up his car easily as it was a condition I made for him to move to be near me. He was glad he did.

When you really think about it's not the end of the world to not drive anymore. Many people drive/need a car for work or for trips to the grocery store, taking their pets to the vet or the occasional long trip. No need to work anymore cuts out one reason, getting long trips out of the way is another. If one lives near a grocery store, there goes another reason. Even if one owns a pet, many places have a mobile vet that will come to the home to examine the animal, which is easier for the animal and human as well.

As an added bonus are those that live in or near downtown in a large city. Many cities are making their downtown in a way that everything one could want is just a short walk away, no drivers license or car needed.

Dragonflower The people you mentioned in your post, probably live in a city where owning/driving a car is not a necessity. Those who live in subdivision areas outside of a major city don't really have that luxury.

I think the doctor is required to contact the DMV. If not, then possibly ask the doctor to do so. In our state (TN) if I, as a concerned citizen, report someone to the DMV it is a public record. My name, address and phone number has to go on the report. The DMV will then require the accused person to take a driving test to prove they can drive or their license will be revoked. Downsides are that the person I have reported knows exactly who reported them, and there's also the chance they might pass the test. If they pass the test things could get real messy, for instance they could then sue me for damages/false accusations etc. In our case, the doctor was an advocate who helped by supplying the needed letter so that hubby's driving privaleges would be permanently revoked due to medical. No testing, no argument, no anger toward us, no risk of accidently passing a one time test. We were then able to get a lifetime Tennessee ID so he doesn't have to ever renew and this only had to be a one time battle. I had to remove his old license from his wallet when he was in the shower. Maybe if your moms mind is sound you can use logic, possibly by coupling that with how proud you are of her for realizing it's time to stop driving. Reminding her how kind and loving she is and that you know that if she ended up hurting someone else by driving after she shouldn't you know how badly she would feel about it. No one wants to lose the freedom that driving gives. It hurts, and compassion is high priority. I like the ideas others have written about disabling the car except that could end up with her incurring hefty repair bills if she decides to have it towed and repaired herself. We chose to just make sure there were no keys within his reach. Another aspect to consider is how this will affect those around her. When hubby stopped driving all of his support people got together to discuss ways we could make his life easier for him by driving him places he has always gone. Instead of shopping for him, picking up a video rental, or ordering take out, we take him to the store, movie or restaurant. It takes longer, he wastes money, he's impatient and grumpy because he wants to drive... it's slow and inconvenient for whoever is driving... but it gives him joy and so it's worth it. Good luck finding a path that works for all of you. Some parts of aging really really suck.

Been there. Take the keys. Don’t give in to the whining, fury, negotiating, etc that WILL take place. BUT. Don’t leave her stranded at home. We hired two drivers. One takes MIL back and forth to dialysis 3x a week. The other comes the other two week days for about three hours and takes MIL and FIL anywhere they want to go — bank, post office, hair & nails, always out to eat, grocery, drug store, etc. It’s been 2+ years and, while we do still have to endure random outbursts and complaining, their needs are being met on a predictable schedule. It’s hard, but you have to do it for her safety and the safety of her community.

Driving is a privilege - not a "right." Many people associate driving with freedom and independence. But we must remember that many, many people in the world live perfectly good lives without evening owning a car, let alone driving one. It just takes a little advance planning.

If we live long enough, we will all get to the point when it is no longer safe for us to drive - because we become a danger to ourselves and to others while behind the wheel. The previous posters have offered many good suggestions.

Get the car out of sight or sell it if possible. Having an incompetent person behind the wheel is beyond dangerous. Of course the person will be furious, because the feeling of being stranded after years of being able to drive is hard to accept. Today, there are more options then buses or taxis. There are services such as Lyft and Uber, you can put an ad for a personal driver on Craigslist etc and talk about how lucky she is to be able to sit back and enjoy the personal attention while she is chauffeured around like the rich and famous. Unfortunately, some things are not open for negotiation when it comes to safety of others and innocent bystanders.

I went through that with my sister in her early stage of alzhiemers.
She would drive down the centre lane of the highway!!Her Dr was the one that had her licence revoked !
She got a letter in the mail saying her licence was cancelled - her answer was “ I still have my licence in my wallet!” I can stll drive.
She did so in the country wher she lived until she scared herelf
by almost landing in the ditch.Her car almost flipped over. We ended up disabling her car without her knowledge.She still had the keys but her vehicle would not start! Later we convinced her to sell her car.

Very similar. Dad at the time was 90. When we visited him, I observed poor driving judgement. I refused to let my kids ride with him. Then we would go places in 2 dif cars, Halfway there, he’d forget where we were going (I’d follow him). The following week I took him to his doc for a physical. Prior to going in, I’d asked the front desk to make my wishes known about discussing his driving. Doc was shocked he was still driving. After a long discussion, doc told him no more driving.   We left there and went right to DMV where dad turned in his license for a state ID. We also sold his car that week. I put him in AL the following week. Yes, it was a whirlwind, and a battle, but needed to be done.

In the town where mom & dad lived - a local taxi company would take seniors anywhere in town for $7.00 - we bought the tickets for him & he just used them as they were pre-paid he did't need cash - it was subsidized by the town council - they would also deliver packages for an extra dollar because often that's all that needs to be done -

It was a good service so call the taxi companies to see if they have similar - also some allow an account so she would only have to sign a chit & she would be billed each month

Take her keys. It's the only thing you can do. It may seem mean, but it's for the best. Good luck.

My Dad had several “incidents” with his car before he agreed to sell it.
You cannot sell a car if it is not your. They have to sign the title. If you get guardianship you can, but my Dad knew his rights and he hung onto those car keys like a lifeline.
Once, he was walking around a two lane road at night trying to find a street sign because he was lost in a area he had lived for 60 years. The police picked
him up,called one sister to come and get him, plus to get his car off the road. They did not tell him to stop driving.
Another time he drove to the back of his apartment building where there is no outlet or parking and got stuck in deep mud. The maintenance Guy towed him out. Still he drove.
Then he kept trying to back his car out of his parking space, and after several tries (he was inebriated) a neighbor offered to take him to our family Christmas party.
What finally worked for us: We completely stopped any enabling:no fixing his car, sending money for gas, tires, anything. I was getting counseling at the time and the counselor told me that anything Dad did was not my responsibility. At that time Dad did not have a dx of vascular dementia, and he would not have told us if he did. Every time he was hospitalized for heart problems, they always said he passed the screening for competency and could make his own decisions. The doc in the hospital looked at 4 of us siblings with Dad right there and said, “He has the right to drive, live alone, and choose however he wants to live”
Finally last summer he was hospitalized and dx with a damaged atrial heart valve and they started talking about heart valve transplants.
It was a huge shock to him, and that’s when I talked to him about the car. I asked him how he would feel if he had a heart attack or heart failure while he was driving and his car went up on the sidewalk and hit a young mother walking with her baby in a stroller? And the said, “It that the legacy you want everyone to remember you by? You know that will be in the paper with your name?”
He agreed to sell the car for 300$ -it was a junker. We took it within 5 minutes before he could change his mind-could only get 250$ for it, so added 70$ more to it and told him it was worth more than he thought. He was pretty happy about that. Saved insurance money too.
But it has been the beginning of the end for him. His dementia has gotten much worse over the past 7 months and he is now in a nursing home against his will while we file for guardianship.

I think the end of being able to drive is hard for everyone, at least for anyone I have known, and especially my husband. As his dementia has gotten worse, his anger and denial is worse. There is no easy way to handle this. It took me almost a year to be able to get the doctors to deal with it, let alone my husband. He was able to get his license renewed the year before we noticed how his memory was declining and behaviors were becoming more frequent. So he had what he thought was a "valid" license. He said he wanted to take a driving test, (at age 80 he was not required to take one!). When I called to make the appt., we were informed that it was no longer valid. So that meant that his docs had finally filed their forms as had I. I had long before refused to allow him to drive me anywhere and our car was a mass of dents. I have recently removed the license from his wallet one night while he was sleeping and as it is very common for him to lose or hide things, he thinks that is what happened. Because he does not see it every day, (he goes through the it over and over again to make sure the few dollars I keep there aphave not been stolen),  and I have substituted grocery discount cards for any credit or ATM card. He still believes he should be allowed to drive but the conversations have become less frequent. However it has taken almost two years. I just pray that I will pass my own test next year. I do not even like driving-especially long distances, but have been forced to do so due to our circumstances. Once neither of us can drive, life will become so challenging, as the transportation services for seniors require planning ahead at all times. I wish you luck, but you will have to "take the bull by the horns" so to speak.

I just sat my dad down and explained it to him.

First time I barely managed to NOT be the last car in a pileup, he said he was glad he was no longer driving. He admitted to himself that he reflexes weren't as good anymore.

I’d tell her the car “broke” and take it to a mechanic. Then explain it would be too expensive to fix.

We did that and it seemed to help. She was mad for about a month and now is much better and understands.

My mother gave up driving voluntarily in her late 80s. I can only guess that she had a close call of some kind and it scared her into calling it quits. A year later she let me sell her car and she turned in her drivers license for an ID card. Years later, she still speaks wistfully of "jumping in the car" and taking off. Let me tell you, her jumping days are over -- the lady can barely walk.   Clearly, she is wishing to recapture younger, better days in general, not just the ability to drive.

I agree with the others to find alternate sources of transportation. Ask around. I live in a small town that does not have its own taxi service. A hairdresser told me that the senior center sponsors a car service. The center bought a Prius and makes it available to seniors for a dollar a ride. The drivers are volunteers who are "young" seniors with good driving records who are patient with old folks and know how to deal with walkers and wheelchairs. The hairdresser knew about the service because many of her elderly clients show up for their appointments riding shotgun in a Prius!

Ditto! My Dad was irrational, my pleas that he might hurt an innocent child were ignored. Finally, when he was in the hospital, we took the car. Gave it to my son who graciously agreed to take him shopping, doctor’s appointments, etc. After a while he liked being chauffeured and developed a real bond with his grandson.

Do whatever it takes! Could you imagine if someone got hurt? Not worth the risk!

I went through this with my best friend. She was loosing sight in one eye and it was so distracting that she would hold one hand over it while driving. I went with her to the eye doctor and despite me asking him twice if he felt she should still be driving, he wouldn't answer. Not only that but her car would break down a lot and her brother would fix the darn thing so she could continue to drive. She finally listened and gave the car to her granddaughter. I think it helped that she has a boyfriend who will take her places and I have told her to just call me if she needs a ride somewhere. (I only live two miles from her). She's in her early 80's and I really understand her feelings about being able to just go when she wants to and not have to plan ahead but at least she's got options. (Scat bus, uber, reg. bus, taxi, and friends). I was also lucky when my mom gave up driving on her own. I agree on what everyone said.

My Mom did not want to give up her car. Here's what happened that made it so much easier. The neurologist advised he was sending Mom to be evaluated and if the Occupational Therapist determined Mom was OK to drive then the neurologist would be OK. The testing conducted at an independent office was intense. Mom knew she was not doing well on the testing and did not go back for the second day. She was angry for 12 hours, cried a bit but, I think, was relieved. The neurologist also explained to Mom that with the diagnosis of Alzheimer's if she would be involved in an accident she would lose whatever savings she had.

The Dr can call DMV and have her license revolked. It took NJ DMV 3 months to send out the paperwork for the license sent to them. My suggestion is to sell the car. If she won't agree to that, park it somewhere else.

Poor mother.

Good on the doctor for agreeing to be the Bad Guy. Now she can be angry with him and his conspirators at the DMV, instead of being angry and depressed that her eyesight is failing her.

Assuming she isn't actually contemplating non-compliance..? Then you need only sympathise with her and agree that this is a total pain for her. And as Jeanne says, hunt out alternatives so that at least she doesn't feel as if she's under house arrest.

If she shows signs of mutiny, such as saying "it'll be all right if I only go to places I know/drive in the daytime/do short trips/in an emergency..." then you will want to disable the car. Err on the side of caution.

Help her figure out other means of transportation. Is there a senior bus or a medical van? What do taxis cost in your area? If you sell the car and stop insurance, how many taxi rides would that pay for?

Notify the dmv what the doctor said, if the doctor has not done so. Arrange for her to get an identification card.

Of course she is furious! I'm already furious thinking about it for myself. For my husband giving up driving was absolutely the worst part of dementia. At least he understood why it had to be done and cooperated.

Hide the keys. Remove the car from the property. Disable it. Do whatever it takes. She must not drive!

Be firm but also sympathize. This really is awful for her. You can't fix it, but you can at least acknowledge her feelings.