My mother and I had a very abusive relationship, but I took care of her for over 10 years. In February, she had a massive stroke, which has left her paralyzed, unable to care for herself, on a feeding tube, she has dementia.
I did all I could to get her into a nursing home where she is safe and well cared for. I, I am disabled with an incurable cancer as well as Dialysis three times a week. Visiting is extremely stressful, as well as physically nearly impossible.
Because of our relationship, I feel she is in the right place and needs to make a life for her herself there. In order for me to survive, I need to take care of myself. I have no transportation and rely on others. I spent over three months with lawyers, Medicaid, bank issues just to get her in the nursing home and I am done; it has taken such a toll.
How do I deal with friends who expect me to go and see her once a week when I don’t want to see her at all? They guilt me into going even though it is physically and mentally straining. I encourage others to visit her as they wish but they constantly ask me why I do not go and insist on giving me rides.
I want to go see her on my own terms. She never remembers I’ve even been there. When I do go, she just stares at me. For me to take the time and energy to go seems to be a waste. As a matter of fact when I go, it just makes things worse on her. She often acts up during the night and I end up getting a call from her nurses.
yes, I feel guilty that I have to care for myself first. Yes I feel guilty for not going. My Therapist, who is very well aware of the complex relationship my mother and I have, has encouraged me to take care of me first and if I don’t wanna go then don’t! I often wish her friends would butt out and leave me alone. They do not know the dynamic.