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My mother and I had a very abusive relationship, but I took care of her for over 10 years. In February, she had a massive stroke, which has left her paralyzed, unable to care for herself, on a feeding tube, she has dementia.
I did all I could to get her into a nursing home where she is safe and well cared for. I, I am disabled with an incurable cancer as well as Dialysis three times a week. Visiting is extremely stressful, as well as physically nearly impossible.
Because of our relationship, I feel she is in the right place and needs to make a life for her herself there. In order for me to survive, I need to take care of myself. I have no transportation and rely on others. I spent over three months with lawyers, Medicaid, bank issues just to get her in the nursing home and I am done; it has taken such a toll.
How do I deal with friends who expect me to go and see her once a week when I don’t want to see her at all? They guilt me into going even though it is physically and mentally straining. I encourage others to visit her as they wish but they constantly ask me why I do not go and insist on giving me rides.
I want to go see her on my own terms. She never remembers I’ve even been there. When I do go, she just stares at me. For me to take the time and energy to go seems to be a waste. As a matter of fact when I go, it just makes things worse on her. She often acts up during the night and I end up getting a call from her nurses.
yes, I feel guilty that I have to care for myself first. Yes I feel guilty for not going. My Therapist, who is very well aware of the complex relationship my mother and I have, has encouraged me to take care of me first and if I don’t wanna go then don’t! I often wish her friends would butt out and leave me alone. They do not know the dynamic.

Tell them you aren’t feeling like visiting and need to stay home and rest. It’s the truth. Eventually they’ll stop asking unless they’re totally insensitive morons.

Put yourself first! You deserve it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Don’t bother talking about it with your friends because your friends don’t understand.

Just don’t go. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

You don’t need anyone’s validation. Just do what is best for you.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Rairbird, your therapist is right. Please take care of yourself. Continuing visiting at this point is not sustainable for your health. Her friends don’t get a vote in the matter. You can and should feel proud of all that you have done in ensuring that your mother is cared for and safe.

Thinking of you.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Tell your friends that you aren’t up for seeing your Mom and don’t care to discuss it any further. It’s the truth. If they can’t accept this, then ditch them. I’m serious.

Discuss your relationship with your mother only with your therapist.

Do everything that you can to put your psychological and physical health first: those are your top priorities. Nothing else is more important.
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Reply to Danielle123
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Get some new friends. Ones who won't feel the need to guilt trip you and pass judgement over matters that are not their business and don't concern them. You have enough issues yourself they should be asking about!

Please look after yourself now. You don't need permission to do so, and should not be dealing with "friends" who cause you even more distress!

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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ElizabethAR37 Jul 27, 2025
I'd second that motion! If you are determined to keep these "friends", I would tell them, politely or not, that whether or not to visit mom is family business and that you need to look after your own health at this point.
(8)
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People do not understand how taxing dialysis is. They don’t understand that it’s an invasive procedure that pretty much eats up your whole day and then leaves you to recover the next. At which point you then have to go to your regular medical appointments, etc. So please keep working on loosening the guilt. You have enough going on and I wish you the best.

It sounds like the friends you are referring to might be your mother‘s friends. They won’t butt out unless you set boundaries and stick with them (if you choose to put forth that energy). If not, I think that’s when you stop engaging.
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Reply to MidwestOT
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Paralyzed, has dementia, and is on a feeding tube, but the doctors are still forcing her to endure dialysis 3 times a week. What the hell is the matter with these people?
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Reply to olddude
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 2, 2025
The OP is on dialysis not her mom in the NH.
(7)
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You took on the practical responsibility, which having an abusive parent, wasn't really your responsibility to take on, but you did it and good for you. You've done all you can do. The guilt you feel is not appropriate. I hope your therapist can help you to drop it, as it does you no good. Just tell the friends that they do not understand the situation and that's the end of the subject. Take care.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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Please listen. You have done more than enough. If you continue to visit your mother, then you are a willing participant in your own abuse. Stay away.
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Reply to ResentfulWife
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NO ONE can "guilt you". That is a mantle we assume, a cloak we put upon ourselves.
You didn't cause your mother's inadequacies nor her current woes. Guilt requires causations, so it is off the table. You can put on a mantle of GRIEF if you like, the other G-word. As to "friends" who accuse you of negligence when there is so much on you table? They aren't friends. You will explain things to your mother as you just did to us. You will tell your friends that in order to remain friends they will have to keep their opinions in this matter strictly to themselves. And on you go. I am so sorry for all you're dealing with.
If you will not listen to your therapist then that's a huge waste of money unless you are simply paying to have someone listen to the story over and over again. I hear more and more about "talk therapy" in which patients are encouraged essentially to pay to talk. I would go to a good cognitive therapist who will set you onto a path of giving up habitual self-harm by the talking to yourself about "guilt" that's going round and round in your head. Any therapist who cannot simply explain in two minutes the requirements for using the word "guilt", isn't especially good at his/her job.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I would turn the guilt on them. Tell them that your mom has a physical reaction to your visits that leave her agitated and tormented for the next 18 hours or more and she and her caregivers suffer the terrible consequences of these visits. Tell them you just don't have the heart to keep putting her through the torment it causes her because they think you visiting is helpful, IT'S NOT. But thank you for the offer of a ride anyway :-)
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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You need to believe in yourself and in knowing you have made the right decision for yourself and your mother. When you have confidence in your own decision, you will not be as vulnerable to other people's opinions and expectations. Not visiting your mother sounds like a perfectly legitimate decision for you. Don't let other people's opinions make you feel guilty.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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People who have not lived through an abusive relationship or have not put boundaries in place listen to society’s “shoulds.” I “should” visit because xyz or they are your parent you “should” see them.

i call foul! You should care for your well-being and as suggest by others don’t talk to acquaintances about your parental relationship.
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Reply to stuckinVA
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STOP unless your looking for an excuse to whine. STOP unless Guilt is your boss. STOP unless you enjoy the abuse. STOP unless you feel these friends know better than you. STOP unless you feel that you dont deserve any peace. Most of all with health that you have right now. STOP STOP STOP cause I can almost guarantee you at the rate your going you will be in the bed next to your mother. STOP and listen to yourself, love yourself. You are important
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Reply to LoniG1
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I totally agree with the other commenters who are telling you to take care of yourself. I don't believe it's necessary (or even helpful in many cases) to interact with someone under the circumstances you describe. If you want to advocate for her, and you're physically up to it, you could call or visit to talk with the staff, and just briefly look in on your mother before leaving.

About the friends, here's what I'd try: take one of them up on their offer to drive you there--because you have a "meeting" with the nursing staff. Ask friend to go in and have a visit with your mother while you are in your meeting. Take as long as you like. I'm guessing you won't be offered any more rides to visit your mother. This is, of course, if you're physically up to it. It's easy for me to say, I don't have the issues you do. Your health has to come first.
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Reply to iameli
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I Had to chime in, you just gotta love all the sideliner family and ‘friends’ who offer their judgements, errrrr I mean advice on how you should be doing things according to them. What’s interesting and annoying is these people typically haven’t walked a day in our shoes yet they dole out their criticisms left and right on how we are doing it all wrong. I say ignore them, take care of you. If you break down who’s going to be there to pick up your pieces? I bet a dollar to a donut it won’t be a single one of these people, and it certainly won’t be mum. Good luck :)
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Reply to GSDlover
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I identify with you Rairbird. People who have not been where you are and won't understand the place you're in. They just can't. Try not to hold it against them.
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Reply to Hattiemae
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Beethoven13 Aug 4, 2025
Also not your job to educate or explain to them the complex nature of your relationship with your parent. I’ve been told to say, you don’t know the whole story and my experience with mother/father is different than yours. Don’t explain don’t defend. They can help and visit mother as much as they want as long as it doesn’t interfere with the care You have set in place. Elderly manipulative parents often tell outsiders a whole different story and paint you as the uncaring adult child. Don’t bother trying to defend yourself. Just say, that is not my experience with my mother/parent. I am doing the best I can. Would you please visit with mother these days? Take her dog for a walk or scoop the cat box at these times? Take her to a doctor appointment at this time? Go pick up her groceries or medication and take her with you on this day? Mow her yard? Clean the ceiling fans? Bring a meal over for Thanksgiving or Christmas so I can relax and enjoy the company and don’t have to plan. Wash up the dishes. Sweep the floor. If not, go away. Your input is not welcome and not appreciated. You are hurting people who are doing everything. I hope you get to experience it someday. Not everyone had happy and supportive childhood. If you think we should just get over it. Consider just helping or going away.
(1)
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Rairbird...
I wish all the "know it all's" all the people that put their nose in where it does not belong would all follow the "Walk a mile in my shoes" before opening their mouth to offer "well intentioned" suggestions.
Each person that says you should visit more please feel free to tell them that they are welcome to visit in your stead any day of the week. (my first thought what you should tell them I had second thoughts about as I did not want to offend any members. But it starts with Kiss.....)
You have done what you needed to do to make sure that she got the care that she needs.
I will be the first to tell ANYONE that an abused person should NOT be a caregiver for the person that abused them OR for the person that allowed abuse to happen.
Please continue to take care of yourself and ignore the people that try to "guilt you".
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You don’t owe anyone any explanations. Maybe some of these friends are genuinely concerned you can’t get there bc of transportation. Thank them for their offer and assure them you will not hesitate to call if you need a ride.
None of this is easy. You did great to get her the care she needs.
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Reply to WendyElaine
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Rairbird: Prayers forthcoming.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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It's normal for survivors of abuse to be attracted to mean people and keep them in their lives even though it cases even more pain. I'm glad you are in therapy. I hope it continues to help. You don't have to go back and see her and you don't owe anyone an explanation.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Tell those friends to mind their own business and leave you alone. You owe your mother NOTHING!
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Reply to Patathome01
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Encourage all those "friends" to go visit her themselves. You could say, "My Doctor told me I must take better care of myself and reduce stress." Or say nothing more than "No." Listen to your Therapist. Friends--hers or yours--are not running your life, you are.
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Reply to LSRizor
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Heaven knows you tried your best to care for your Mom, regardless of the tough relationship. At this point, rather than ditching the friends, just let them know you are not able to go, but thanks for offering. Or, that you often go to see her late at night or early in the AM. Maybe they will stop. If not, then they be more trouble than they are worth. It is hard for people who adore their Mom and Dad to understand how not everyone was blessed with the best parents. They may have visited their Mom daily, but you have done way more for your Mom then she may have done for you. At some point, (NOW) you really do need to heal for yourself. Best of luck to you! 🍀
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Reply to Tiger8
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That sounds exhausting, please take care of yourself.
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Reply to EmotionallyNumb
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Each person must decide for themselves what is right under the circumstances, and it sounds to me like you know very well the effects of a toxic relationship and that it is now time to let it go. For those who did not have that sort of an abusive relationship they may not have a clue. It is definitely out of line for anyone to tell you how often you need pay a visit to an abuser. No matter if they are no longer capable of that same level of abuse now. The heart does not forget. You are wise to work on your own health matters and leave well enough alone. Tell your friends that when you want their advice, you'll ask for it. Otherwise let them go visit your mother.
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Reply to Anniemc
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Dear, Sweet, Lady. I am so deeply sorry you are going through these ongoing struggles. My heart aches for you. Please, please, please, put yourself first. If people are truly your friends, they should know how difficult things have been and continue to be for you. They are doing nothing but adding to your cross which is already crushing you. Guilt is not support. Loving you, listening to you and accepting where you are at is. And while they’re at it, how about they bring you a meal, clean your house or do your laundry for you. Hugs, love and prayers to you.
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Reply to seekingjoy
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Beethoven13 Aug 4, 2025
Yes. Please come and bring my grocery order. My prescription from the pharmacy. Please come vacuum my living area and bedroom. Please clean my kitchen and organize the fridge and pantry. Please clean the bathroom and organize the towels and closet and do my laundry and put it away. Water my plants. Walk my dog, scoop the cat box. Go get litter and cat food. Mow the yard. Please bring mom whatever things she needs at the NH, snacks, beverages or whatever. In your situation, there is always something for a “friend “ to do. So much is needed for a friend to help with. If they don’t see it and just want to guilt you, they are no friend. Cut them off. Take care of yourself. You have done so much good work for your parent.
(2)
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I am in a similar situation. My faith in Jesus helps. My cancer excuses me of her burden and my new boundaries with her and others. Love God, love yourself after Him and before others! Lord bless & keep you!
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Reply to SusannaHunter
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Hi Rairbird, it sounds to me like you have already done your part to set up your mother in a safe environment. Did anyone help YOU out with doing all that? That is stressful enough but you were responsible enough to get her set up in spite of your relationship and health issues.
Should you visit your mom? That is your choice. I believe that your friends are well meaning but they really need to mind their own business. Just tell them you will reach out to them when you are ready to visit. Of course you never need to do that. Totally your choice.
Just take care of YOU ❤️
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Reply to Monicaj0421
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ok - every one has an opinion - sometimes they dont realise that not walked in your shoes they have absolutely no right to dictate to others. Their opinion doesnt matter and to be frank you owe no one an explanation - but if you want to give - tell them - youve given up your life to someone whos been very abusive towards you and you are poor health and its time you looked after yourself as well.
maybe theyre thinking of it/when something happens to your mum how youd feel not being around her - answer is simple - you did your bit - gave up your life and you feel fine. Dont allow anyone to put you on a guilt trip - youve done enough and made enough sacrifices. Maybe your friend would like to volunteer and help you? (sarcastic joke!). Cancer is caused by a lot of things and sometimes hereditary - other times its bottling up negative emotions so try and release it and if you find you cant speak to your doctor for counselling . Time to concentrate on yourself. If you want to make a call now and again then do so but you look you first now.
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