My mother and I had a very abusive relationship, but I took care of her for over 10 years. In February, she had a massive stroke, which has left her paralyzed, unable to care for herself, on a feeding tube, she has dementia.
I did all I could to get her into a nursing home where she is safe and well cared for. I, I am disabled with an incurable cancer as well as Dialysis three times a week. Visiting is extremely stressful, as well as physically nearly impossible.
Because of our relationship, I feel she is in the right place and needs to make a life for her herself there. In order for me to survive, I need to take care of myself. I have no transportation and rely on others. I spent over three months with lawyers, Medicaid, bank issues just to get her in the nursing home and I am done; it has taken such a toll.
How do I deal with friends who expect me to go and see her once a week when I don’t want to see her at all? They guilt me into going even though it is physically and mentally straining. I encourage others to visit her as they wish but they constantly ask me why I do not go and insist on giving me rides.
I want to go see her on my own terms. She never remembers I’ve even been there. When I do go, she just stares at me. For me to take the time and energy to go seems to be a waste. As a matter of fact when I go, it just makes things worse on her. She often acts up during the night and I end up getting a call from her nurses.
yes, I feel guilty that I have to care for myself first. Yes I feel guilty for not going. My Therapist, who is very well aware of the complex relationship my mother and I have, has encouraged me to take care of me first and if I don’t wanna go then don’t! I often wish her friends would butt out and leave me alone. They do not know the dynamic.
Put yourself first! You deserve it.
Just don’t go. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
You don’t need anyone’s validation. Just do what is best for you.
Thinking of you.
Discuss your relationship with your mother only with your therapist.
Do everything that you can to put your psychological and physical health first: those are your top priorities. Nothing else is more important.
Please look after yourself now. You don't need permission to do so, and should not be dealing with "friends" who cause you even more distress!
Best of luck to you.
It sounds like the friends you are referring to might be your mother‘s friends. They won’t butt out unless you set boundaries and stick with them (if you choose to put forth that energy). If not, I think that’s when you stop engaging.
You didn't cause your mother's inadequacies nor her current woes. Guilt requires causations, so it is off the table. You can put on a mantle of GRIEF if you like, the other G-word. As to "friends" who accuse you of negligence when there is so much on you table? They aren't friends. You will explain things to your mother as you just did to us. You will tell your friends that in order to remain friends they will have to keep their opinions in this matter strictly to themselves. And on you go. I am so sorry for all you're dealing with.
If you will not listen to your therapist then that's a huge waste of money unless you are simply paying to have someone listen to the story over and over again. I hear more and more about "talk therapy" in which patients are encouraged essentially to pay to talk. I would go to a good cognitive therapist who will set you onto a path of giving up habitual self-harm by the talking to yourself about "guilt" that's going round and round in your head. Any therapist who cannot simply explain in two minutes the requirements for using the word "guilt", isn't especially good at his/her job.
i call foul! You should care for your well-being and as suggest by others don’t talk to acquaintances about your parental relationship.
About the friends, here's what I'd try: take one of them up on their offer to drive you there--because you have a "meeting" with the nursing staff. Ask friend to go in and have a visit with your mother while you are in your meeting. Take as long as you like. I'm guessing you won't be offered any more rides to visit your mother. This is, of course, if you're physically up to it. It's easy for me to say, I don't have the issues you do. Your health has to come first.
I wish all the "know it all's" all the people that put their nose in where it does not belong would all follow the "Walk a mile in my shoes" before opening their mouth to offer "well intentioned" suggestions.
Each person that says you should visit more please feel free to tell them that they are welcome to visit in your stead any day of the week. (my first thought what you should tell them I had second thoughts about as I did not want to offend any members. But it starts with Kiss.....)
You have done what you needed to do to make sure that she got the care that she needs.
I will be the first to tell ANYONE that an abused person should NOT be a caregiver for the person that abused them OR for the person that allowed abuse to happen.
Please continue to take care of yourself and ignore the people that try to "guilt you".
None of this is easy. You did great to get her the care she needs.
Should you visit your mom? That is your choice. I believe that your friends are well meaning but they really need to mind their own business. Just tell them you will reach out to them when you are ready to visit. Of course you never need to do that. Totally your choice.
Just take care of YOU ❤️
maybe theyre thinking of it/when something happens to your mum how youd feel not being around her - answer is simple - you did your bit - gave up your life and you feel fine. Dont allow anyone to put you on a guilt trip - youve done enough and made enough sacrifices. Maybe your friend would like to volunteer and help you? (sarcastic joke!). Cancer is caused by a lot of things and sometimes hereditary - other times its bottling up negative emotions so try and release it and if you find you cant speak to your doctor for counselling . Time to concentrate on yourself. If you want to make a call now and again then do so but you look you first now.