My mother and I had a very abusive relationship, but I took care of her for over 10 years. In February, she had a massive stroke, which has left her paralyzed, unable to care for herself, on a feeding tube, she has dementia.
I did all I could to get her into a nursing home where she is safe and well cared for. I, I am disabled with an incurable cancer as well as Dialysis three times a week. Visiting is extremely stressful, as well as physically nearly impossible.
Because of our relationship, I feel she is in the right place and needs to make a life for her herself there. In order for me to survive, I need to take care of myself. I have no transportation and rely on others. I spent over three months with lawyers, Medicaid, bank issues just to get her in the nursing home and I am done; it has taken such a toll.
How do I deal with friends who expect me to go and see her once a week when I don’t want to see her at all? They guilt me into going even though it is physically and mentally straining. I encourage others to visit her as they wish but they constantly ask me why I do not go and insist on giving me rides.
I want to go see her on my own terms. She never remembers I’ve even been there. When I do go, she just stares at me. For me to take the time and energy to go seems to be a waste. As a matter of fact when I go, it just makes things worse on her. She often acts up during the night and I end up getting a call from her nurses.
yes, I feel guilty that I have to care for myself first. Yes I feel guilty for not going. My Therapist, who is very well aware of the complex relationship my mother and I have, has encouraged me to take care of me first and if I don’t wanna go then don’t! I often wish her friends would butt out and leave me alone. They do not know the dynamic.
Put yourself first! You deserve it.
Thinking of you.
Just don’t go. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
You don’t need anyone’s validation. Just do what is best for you.
Discuss your relationship with your mother only with your therapist.
Do everything that you can to put your psychological and physical health first: those are your top priorities. Nothing else is more important.
Please look after yourself now. You don't need permission to do so, and should not be dealing with "friends" who cause you even more distress!
Best of luck to you.
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