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My mother and I had a very abusive relationship, but I took care of her for over 10 years. In February, she had a massive stroke, which has left her paralyzed, unable to care for herself, on a feeding tube, she has dementia.
I did all I could to get her into a nursing home where she is safe and well cared for. I, I am disabled with an incurable cancer as well as Dialysis three times a week. Visiting is extremely stressful, as well as physically nearly impossible.
Because of our relationship, I feel she is in the right place and needs to make a life for her herself there. In order for me to survive, I need to take care of myself. I have no transportation and rely on others. I spent over three months with lawyers, Medicaid, bank issues just to get her in the nursing home and I am done; it has taken such a toll.
How do I deal with friends who expect me to go and see her once a week when I don’t want to see her at all? They guilt me into going even though it is physically and mentally straining. I encourage others to visit her as they wish but they constantly ask me why I do not go and insist on giving me rides.
I want to go see her on my own terms. She never remembers I’ve even been there. When I do go, she just stares at me. For me to take the time and energy to go seems to be a waste. As a matter of fact when I go, it just makes things worse on her. She often acts up during the night and I end up getting a call from her nurses.
yes, I feel guilty that I have to care for myself first. Yes I feel guilty for not going. My Therapist, who is very well aware of the complex relationship my mother and I have, has encouraged me to take care of me first and if I don’t wanna go then don’t! I often wish her friends would butt out and leave me alone. They do not know the dynamic.

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Tell them you aren’t feeling like visiting and need to stay home and rest. It’s the truth. Eventually they’ll stop asking unless they’re totally insensitive morons.

Put yourself first! You deserve it.
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Rairbird, your therapist is right. Please take care of yourself. Continuing visiting at this point is not sustainable for your health. Her friends don’t get a vote in the matter. You can and should feel proud of all that you have done in ensuring that your mother is cared for and safe.

Thinking of you.
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Don’t bother talking about it with your friends because your friends don’t understand.

Just don’t go. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

You don’t need anyone’s validation. Just do what is best for you.
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Tell your friends that you aren’t up for seeing your Mom and don’t care to discuss it any further. It’s the truth. If they can’t accept this, then ditch them. I’m serious.

Discuss your relationship with your mother only with your therapist.

Do everything that you can to put your psychological and physical health first: those are your top priorities. Nothing else is more important.
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Get some new friends. Ones who won't feel the need to guilt trip you and pass judgement over matters that are not their business and don't concern them. You have enough issues yourself they should be asking about!

Please look after yourself now. You don't need permission to do so, and should not be dealing with "friends" who cause you even more distress!

Best of luck to you.
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ElizabethAR37 Jul 27, 2025
I'd second that motion! If you are determined to keep these "friends", I would tell them, politely or not, that whether or not to visit mom is family business and that you need to look after your own health at this point.
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Each person must decide for themselves what is right under the circumstances, and it sounds to me like you know very well the effects of a toxic relationship and that it is now time to let it go. For those who did not have that sort of an abusive relationship they may not have a clue. It is definitely out of line for anyone to tell you how often you need pay a visit to an abuser. No matter if they are no longer capable of that same level of abuse now. The heart does not forget. You are wise to work on your own health matters and leave well enough alone. Tell your friends that when you want their advice, you'll ask for it. Otherwise let them go visit your mother.
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Dear, Sweet, Lady. I am so deeply sorry you are going through these ongoing struggles. My heart aches for you. Please, please, please, put yourself first. If people are truly your friends, they should know how difficult things have been and continue to be for you. They are doing nothing but adding to your cross which is already crushing you. Guilt is not support. Loving you, listening to you and accepting where you are at is. And while they’re at it, how about they bring you a meal, clean your house or do your laundry for you. Hugs, love and prayers to you.
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Beethoven13 Aug 4, 2025
Yes. Please come and bring my grocery order. My prescription from the pharmacy. Please come vacuum my living area and bedroom. Please clean my kitchen and organize the fridge and pantry. Please clean the bathroom and organize the towels and closet and do my laundry and put it away. Water my plants. Walk my dog, scoop the cat box. Go get litter and cat food. Mow the yard. Please bring mom whatever things she needs at the NH, snacks, beverages or whatever. In your situation, there is always something for a “friend “ to do. So much is needed for a friend to help with. If they don’t see it and just want to guilt you, they are no friend. Cut them off. Take care of yourself. You have done so much good work for your parent.
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STOP unless your looking for an excuse to whine. STOP unless Guilt is your boss. STOP unless you enjoy the abuse. STOP unless you feel these friends know better than you. STOP unless you feel that you dont deserve any peace. Most of all with health that you have right now. STOP STOP STOP cause I can almost guarantee you at the rate your going you will be in the bed next to your mother. STOP and listen to yourself, love yourself. You are important
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It's normal for survivors of abuse to be attracted to mean people and keep them in their lives even though it cases even more pain. I'm glad you are in therapy. I hope it continues to help. You don't have to go back and see her and you don't owe anyone an explanation.
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Encourage all those "friends" to go visit her themselves. You could say, "My Doctor told me I must take better care of myself and reduce stress." Or say nothing more than "No." Listen to your Therapist. Friends--hers or yours--are not running your life, you are.
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