Does dementia change a personality, or bring out the person’s true, hidden personality?

Grain of Salt:
I’ve been blessed to have the time and the training to become ‘the one’ sibling of 7 who can be the one to care for our mom.

We all have our moments of ‘unkind thoughts’ in times of stress. I am in my sixth year, and our mom became away of her sense of ‘losing her cognitive capacities’ about 9 years ago. She has an Alzheimer’s type of dementia.

She is a kind and loving human being, super caring, and served the public as a Special Education Teacher since the 70’s.

She is entering a new phase of her condition. It includes bouts of anger and meanness and unkind words. It wears on me. And for the first time, I am recognizing that I too expect her to BE NICE. She wants to BE NICE.

If I point it out to her, by saying just BE NICE it only worsens the situation and she will shut herself in her room. This leaves us both sad and is not a good solution.

The emotional body senses and feels the tension. The Brain losses it’s ability to connect to the pleasure centers, mom is losing words to express her other feelings.

so Music becomes the calm centering uplifting thing to Bring us both into a better moment. There is no need for me to ‘point out to her’ - it is better to simply REDIRECT out energy to something PLEASANT. We all thrive more when we find the pleasantness. And sometimes mom finds it more pleasant to become OCD (obsessively distracted rearranging her things).

the OCD behaviors are generally in indicator that she is struggling. One way I can help facilitate her OCD behavior is to have several kids wooden puzzles or kids 60-100 pieces of beautiful pictures or other interesting things. I place 4 different ones on tables tops around the living room.

I will takes apart sections of a puzzle (not the entire puzzle)

Mom engages in putting the images of butterflies or flowers or the planets back together. It takes her hours sometimes. But she always feels calmer and productive and successful.

DIGNITY is restored. And we both become the Nicer version of ourselves again.

Blessings to all for being ‘ The Ones’ - it is not an easy road. I pray this share brings some relief to any others who are in need of ways to REDIRECT the energy towards kinder moments and PEACE in your home.

Dementia changes the brain. Memories are lost, perception is distorted, language cannot be accessed, critical thinking skills are destroyed, the area that regulates fight, flight, and fear can be damaged. Psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety, paranoia, and hallucinations are not uncommon.

All that said, do not put yourself in a physically or emotionally abusive situation. Try to create a team with Drs, family members, and other support staff to help you keep your loved one safe and as healthy as possible while also ensuring your own safety.

I am not an expert and don't know the answer to this but this I will say. Regardless if it is dementia or her true personality, there is no way in hell I would put up with this. I just couldn't and would do something about it at once. If medication does not stop or control her, I'd get someone else to take care of her. I would never be able to put up with this. No way.

My mother-in-law never liked me, but when she had to come and live with us, she was friendly and nice to me for about six years. After that, for the next two years she became hateful and said terrible things to me and then she became violent and tried to hit, kick me and run me over with her walker. We were at the point of putting her in a care facility when she died. I then found out that she had given all of her valuable things away to others and only left me to dispose of her junk. She turned back into the woman I first knew when I married her son, so I would say in her case her true nature returned.

There are many different types of dementia... With a variety of etiologies... Personality changes and aggressiveness are common characteristics...

This is a really interesting thread. I am currently wondering whether my mother's exacerbated meanness is just her narcissistic personality disorder becoming magnified, or whether she is using her end stage illness as an excuse to deliberately ignore social filters and enjoy letting the extent of her true meanness shine through. or whether the metatastic cancer is contributing an element of dementia. Combination? All I know is that mentally she seems to still be very cognizant of daily details, so I am hedging toward the first two scenarios. But reading here, in this thread, I am concluding it probably depends on what your parent's original (pre-dementia) personality was like. Helpful comments here; I was looking for this. Thank you.

I've come to realize during my caregiving experience for both my parents is that I have changed. Things that a child is willing to accept while under the care of their parents, because a child does not know better, are not acceptable to an adult. I have grown, evolved and they have not.
Now I can see their true nature and objectives. And how they achieved those goals. Through manipulation, derision, mockery, control, suppression, oppression, backstabbing, secrecy, lies, deceit, fear through threats, GUILT.

I experienced the same thing. Many times while downsizing my mother I called the Alzheimer's hotline. They eventually told me that sometimes personality disorders get worse with age and that with my mother (and sounds like yours too) that was the problem, not dementia. You could call them (phone number depends on where you live but easily findable online, I hope) and relay the specifics. They were very helpful (though it was painful to hear and I'm still processing....).

My husband had a mean streak that showed up mostly when he drank too much. Otherwise he kept it under control. I assume the alcohol took that filter away. Now that he has dementia, that same filter has disappeared and that mean streak shows up daily. I believe his true personality is now showing itself. That’s just my personal observation to our situation. I believe everyone is unique in their progression of this awful disease.

I understand your feelings. My parent is bipolar, which evidenced itself (that is, was formally diagnosed) as an adult. During one of her first manic episodes, she raged at me so cruelly, I left the house on my bike to my aunt's (her sister's) house, and told my aunt I just couldn't take it anymore. That is the beginning of a very long and terrifying episode she had. When I was married, I thought we were close to each other, but things changed when my ex took off and left me and our 18 month old child. I am bipolar as well, and had been in a marriage that turned out to be a sham. I had been lied to on a regular, not just little fibs, but on major issues. This relationship lasted for 20 years. I was so messed up mentally that I had to move in with my parents. I give them an enormous amount of credit for letting me stay until now. My dad died in 2019, and my mother's health has been declining ever since, not so much physically, but mentally. I am pretty much the only person she sees now because of covid. I have a younger brother who lives out of state with his family, and we see him maybe once a year. My younger sister lives 5 hours away. We see her about every 3 months. She is my mother's favorite. My mother Never says anything bad about her. Ever. So, I am the person who is the screw up. She is alternately nice or mean. I have to beg and bargain with her to 1. Drink enough water to stay alive and avoid a UTI, and 2. Eat healthy food instead of crap. (I don't care if she indulges later). I have like an iota of respect from her PCP and staff. Driving her used to be an issue, because she'd criticize every move I made. I finally told her to shut up. Verbatim. Isn't that horrible? It's like I feel like she just taunts me sometimes, finding something, anything to pick at or question. I feel like I have the weight of the world on me, not just taking care of her, but all the household stuff, which we have some business issues right now I'm trying to resolve. I am so tired and almost always in pain. I have 3 pain disorders (I'm applying for SSI now), which are not curable, and I can only take non-narcotic meds, because I have to be able to drive. I am grateful that I have a home, and food, and safety, but aside from all that, I dread each day.

Imho, a broken brain is just that and thus, cannot nor does not control one's personality.

Teepa Snow videos on YouTube are very good. I recommend watching those.

It definitely changes a person's personality but it's not the so called real personality, it's the Dementia Personality and they can't help it.

My mom is in late stage dementia and she can be horrible at times. Very stubborn and defiant, giving everyone a hard time. Uggghh. It’s part of this terrible disease. Maybe she was like this in her youth, but my goodness, it’s hard to deal with now.

WELL, if you asked ME I'd say it is their true nature magnified, in all it's unpleasant glory

It's not about you, just because she wasn't particularly warm and fuzzy doesn't mean she didn't love you. My mother isn't particularly warm and fuzzy, but I know she loves me. I'm not a warm and fuzzy person.

It can depend on where she is in her dementia. It could be that dementia has profoundly changed her. The more dementia takes hold the more they appear to revert to children - they strike out. It's like they have no filter and whatever comes into their brain comes out of their mouth. Have you ever had a fleeting thought about someone that you knew wasn't true but there pops up the thought. Do you say it - no, because you were able to filter, but you mother appears not to have that filter anymore.

How many dementia people swear up and down someone is stealing their money, their clothes, their whatever; by their children, caretakers, strangers. Yes it does sometimes happen, but most of the time it doesn't happen.

It's unfortunately part of the dementia.

A broken brain can present itself in many ways and there is no set rule on how or why a person will act the way they do. As difficult as it is to see, hear and work with a loved one with this disease there are times that one can think back to and smile about some things they say or do. A person that says sassy words they never would have etc. My mother was a very demanding person all her life and was a retired nurse. This just intensified when she had Alzheimers. She really kept all the workers on their toes with her broken mind. She has been gone for 13 years and
I still smile when thinking of things she would say and do. It’s like dealing with a naughty kid, you never know what to expect but have to be ready and surprised by nothing. Smile when you can.

It's how people respond to a broken brain and fear. It's normal to lash out when you're in fear. A lo with dementia needs extra understanding and affection. This is why it's so important for caregivers to get educated and to take care of themselves. It's very difficult caring for the aging.

My MIL moved in with us last July & I have wondered about this topic often. She has always been completely focused on the appearance of clothing, weight, and home decor for herself & others. Since living with her, I believe she has always been OCD by how everything she does is related to trying to present perfection, with every action. It’s like she’s one big Freudian slip.
Her most difficult habit to deal with is a daily thing. Being obsessed with meals, she watches the clock & asks about when the next meal is, even when she’s had one of her many snacks. Always comparing the amount of food on all our plates. After eating, she feels guilty about feeling full & goes into the bathroom to pick stool out of herself, claiming, “How else am I supposed to get it out?” Thus, poop everywhere & hands that need bleach water to get the smell out.
I took her to a colorectal dr to make sure there wasn’t a physical reason for this behavior, & there isn’t. It’s difficult to remind her every time she enters the bathroom to let it come out by itself.
I wish there was a solution, but I don’t think I can change this behavior. She is on Zoloft 50mg, which has helped her anxiety in the evenings.

It is a new personality that cones out. My Aunt had it and my father had it and both of them changed personalities in later stages.

Mom was a handful with dementia and the paranoia it can bring. But I could see her "fighting" the lapses and trying so very hard. The videos on YouTube by Teepa Snow really helped me and calmed her down sometimes when nothing not even meds would. Good luck in your journey. Believe it or not, as hard as it is for you, and it is, it is even harder for them. Even with all the sacrifices involved, I would give anything for one more day with mom.

There is ZERO data supporting that a demented person’s behavior is somehow their “true” behavior less the societal filters that prevented the person from showing it before. Zero. Dementia alters the mind to something it was not before.

Interesting and Helpful - thank you

In my mother's case, Alzheimer's weakened/destroyed the mental filter that would have prevented (her) social inhibitions. She, too, would insult relatives whom she previously might have felt negatively towards, but their positive traits were stressed before Alzheimer's hit. Speaking of "stress," her new-found lack of social graces, like talking to strangers, certainly caused this caregiver to have stress. I even wrote a book about our travails taking care if her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I think our moms' behavior could be a combination of both things that you mentioned: their more authentic selves shining through, and/or the frustration of not knowing the changes in their brains. I think my mom felt that she could let her hair down and not put on airs, and these heirs learned to put up with insults, because my husband and I knew that she had no control over her actions any more. Best of luck.

Dementia seems to bring out long-hidden thoughts and anxieties. Your mother has probably "lost" her social filter. Whatever she thinks she says. We all tend to have unkind thoughts and impressions but usually keep them from slipping out of our mouths.

The other issue is that your mother's brain is broken so she does not process thoughts and impressions correctly, She may have lost connections to happier memories. She may not fully understand what she sees or hears when she interacts with others. When this happens, she comes to inaccurate conclusions. Many folks with dementia can be impulsive so those inaccurate thoughts get verbalized -frequently.

If you notice that your mom is frustrated, anxious, or agitated... she may find that life has become frightening or difficult to deal with. In that case, please consult with her doctor. Having a routine and anti-anxiety medications can help to alleviate a lot of those problems.

It’s odd, but the majority of dementia personality changes are “mean” for some reason. Oh! there will be fleeting moments when the dementia patient is more rational and nice, but they always revert back. Get ready for a roller coaster ride! Remember Alzheimer’s Disease never gets better, it gets worst, it just a question on how soon and how fast.

As the brain atrophies will have an impact on cognition and function. At first it can be a very frustrating and frightening experience because the person realizes their brain is declining. Later, it gets so bad they are no longer aware but becomes more dependent on caregivers. Eventually 100 percent dependent on others because they can no longer do even basic things. It affects everybody differently in terms of personality and function. If you had your total mind written on a blackboard, Alzheimer's is like erasing bits and pieces of it little by little until not much is left.

Persons with Dementia often get agitated and angry. There are great books out there about Dementia. I recommend that you read one. It is good to think about the person with " a broken brain" When my dad says mean things to me, under my breath, I say, " his brain is broken, Laura".
When I do this, I remind myself to not take things personally.
Their personality changes because of the disease. It is horrible getting old. Think about how their body feels. The elderly have pain much of the time. Their body does not function properly and they feel useless and feel like a burden to all. To make matters worse, now their brain gets broken.
Best we can do is be informed, be patient with them, love them and try to help them feel useful.

Yes
No
Maybe
Some can have personalities change. Some can become violent while others become more docile, kind.
Some remain the same.
With dementia it will depend on what parts of the brain are affected by the damage done.
It can depend on the type of dementia
Often with dementia "filters" or what hold us to the "norm" are lost or at least dropped a bit. This is why someone may become very interested in sex, begin swearing, become violent, begin to steal.
You have to keep telling yourself it is the disease that is causing this change.
If it becomes more than you can handle then getting caregivers to take over for you might be the best thing. In some cases where someone begins to wander or become violent placement in a secure facility is the best course. In some cases medication can help lessen the anxiety that might be the root of some of the triggers.

I worked in nursing homes. Some people stay pretty well with the way the y were before. Some don't.
One lady in particular went to church and that was her "circle of friends". When she got past the obviousness of dementia she would cuss like a sailor and say obscene street words. Everyone was in shock and embarassed. We don't know if she "thought " those things before or if a switch just flipped and she became someone else. It was not medicine related either.