My mother was never warm and fuzzy to me, or anyone else, but now she is getting rather mean. She says horrible, nasty things about me to other relatives, and then says nasty things about them to me. Is this her true nature showing through after a lifetime of control and restraint? Or is this a new form of personality developing out of her unhappiness and confusion of rapidly worsening dementia?
The other issue is that your mother's brain is broken so she does not process thoughts and impressions correctly, She may have lost connections to happier memories. She may not fully understand what she sees or hears when she interacts with others. When this happens, she comes to inaccurate conclusions. Many folks with dementia can be impulsive so those inaccurate thoughts get verbalized -frequently.
If you notice that your mom is frustrated, anxious, or agitated... she may find that life has become frightening or difficult to deal with. In that case, please consult with her doctor. Having a routine and anti-anxiety medications can help to alleviate a lot of those problems.
Her most difficult habit to deal with is a daily thing. Being obsessed with meals, she watches the clock & asks about when the next meal is, even when she’s had one of her many snacks. Always comparing the amount of food on all our plates. After eating, she feels guilty about feeling full & goes into the bathroom to pick stool out of herself, claiming, “How else am I supposed to get it out?” Thus, poop everywhere & hands that need bleach water to get the smell out.
I took her to a colorectal dr to make sure there wasn’t a physical reason for this behavior, & there isn’t. It’s difficult to remind her every time she enters the bathroom to let it come out by itself.
I wish there was a solution, but I don’t think I can change this behavior. She is on Zoloft 50mg, which has helped her anxiety in the evenings.
I still smile when thinking of things she would say and do. It’s like dealing with a naughty kid, you never know what to expect but have to be ready and surprised by nothing. Smile when you can.
It can depend on where she is in her dementia. It could be that dementia has profoundly changed her. The more dementia takes hold the more they appear to revert to children - they strike out. It's like they have no filter and whatever comes into their brain comes out of their mouth. Have you ever had a fleeting thought about someone that you knew wasn't true but there pops up the thought. Do you say it - no, because you were able to filter, but you mother appears not to have that filter anymore.
How many dementia people swear up and down someone is stealing their money, their clothes, their whatever; by their children, caretakers, strangers. Yes it does sometimes happen, but most of the time it doesn't happen.
It's unfortunately part of the dementia.
Now I can see their true nature and objectives. And how they achieved those goals. Through manipulation, derision, mockery, control, suppression, oppression, backstabbing, secrecy, lies, deceit, fear through threats, GUILT.
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}
All that said, do not put yourself in a physically or emotionally abusive situation. Try to create a team with Drs, family members, and other support staff to help you keep your loved one safe and as healthy as possible while also ensuring your own safety.
I’ve been blessed to have the time and the training to become ‘the one’ sibling of 7 who can be the one to care for our mom.
We all have our moments of ‘unkind thoughts’ in times of stress. I am in my sixth year, and our mom became away of her sense of ‘losing her cognitive capacities’ about 9 years ago. She has an Alzheimer’s type of dementia.
She is a kind and loving human being, super caring, and served the public as a Special Education Teacher since the 70’s.
She is entering a new phase of her condition. It includes bouts of anger and meanness and unkind words. It wears on me. And for the first time, I am recognizing that I too expect her to BE NICE. She wants to BE NICE.
If I point it out to her, by saying just BE NICE it only worsens the situation and she will shut herself in her room. This leaves us both sad and is not a good solution.
The emotional body senses and feels the tension. The Brain losses it’s ability to connect to the pleasure centers, mom is losing words to express her other feelings.
so Music becomes the calm centering uplifting thing to Bring us both into a better moment. There is no need for me to ‘point out to her’ - it is better to simply REDIRECT out energy to something PLEASANT. We all thrive more when we find the pleasantness. And sometimes mom finds it more pleasant to become OCD (obsessively distracted rearranging her things).
the OCD behaviors are generally in indicator that she is struggling. One way I can help facilitate her OCD behavior is to have several kids wooden puzzles or kids 60-100 pieces of beautiful pictures or other interesting things. I place 4 different ones on tables tops around the living room.
I will takes apart sections of a puzzle (not the entire puzzle)
Mom engages in putting the images of butterflies or flowers or the planets back together. It takes her hours sometimes. But she always feels calmer and productive and successful.
DIGNITY is restored. And we both become the Nicer version of ourselves again.
Blessings to all for being ‘ The Ones’ - it is not an easy road. I pray this share brings some relief to any others who are in need of ways to REDIRECT the energy towards kinder moments and PEACE in your home.