Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

You cannot force your siblings to care for your mom, and attempts to force them will likely backfire and cause estrangement. Make peace with the fact that YOU are the compassionate child, YOU are the better person, and YOU will have no regrets when your mom passes. Caregiving usually falls on ONE child who cares... there are many of us on this forum with no support from siblings. My mom lives with me but I have hired caregivers to help, and I live my own life when they are on duty. Either use your mom’s money to pay for caregivers, or if she has no money, apply for Medicaid in-home care services. You may need an elder attorney to help you through the red tape. There are a lot of senior caregivers looking for work. There is no need to do this 24/7 all by yourself.

Stop it...Don't hate your siblings. That is very damaging negative energy tearing YOU down, not them.
My husband’s sister HATE us w/a vengeful passion, because we haven’t “helped” in the way THEY wanted us to. We did help: we took mom to medical appointments, sat w/her, visited her, took her to church & lunch on Sundays. My husband ran interference on many occasions & went to her home to calm her down during the middle of a work day. She has plenty of $ for A.L. and soon Memory Care, so our hands-on help is no longer needed in the same way.
We aren’t her POA, nor allowed on the 2 person visitation list when she’s in the hospital.
This “derangement syndrome” hatred from the siblings is all about control. Many times my husband has invited them to sit down and talk it out...but no.
Im not at all saying that you resemble this remark, but if hatred is heaped up verbally on the other siblings...it chases them away.
Hopefully your siblings are nice people and you can have an honest discussion w/them about how they might assist you.

No, you most certainly are not being a selfish brat. The entire responsibility of caregiving should not be only yours even if you choose to be her caregiver and are happy to do it. If you become a slave to caregiving and have no life away from it, you will grow to resent your mother too. Even though you love your mom and want to take care of her by choice, this will happen.
You are not an only child. You have two siblings and she is their mother too.
Everyone here understands where you're coming from. I certainly do. I did not choose to be my mother's caregiver and never wanted to be. I am the convenient choice for everyone. My sibling does absolutely nothing except enjoy her life and chastise me if I have a moment of resentment towards our gaslighting, narcissistic, unreasonable and cruel mother. That's mom on a good day.
Please don't give up everything else in life because you become a slave to the caregiver role. Get outside hired help to come in so you can have a live away from your mom and her needs. Tell your siblings you're going on a vacation, and leave it up to them to arrange your mom's care while you're away. If they refuse to help and ignore you, mention care facility placement for mom. Nothing gets the attention of siblings better then the possibility of losing some of their potential inheritance. They may even pay for some homecare expenses for your mom too. You sound like a wonderful caring person. Resentment will destroy this in a person and in a situation like yours resentment is inevitable. Bring in outside homecare for your mom.

J understand you, 100%.

And I also understand that you love caring for your mom and you want to do this- don’t let all the people who tell you you don’t completely love caring for your mom, after reading your one question on this thread, bother you.

Remember that you are caring for her “for her” and “for you” - if you start thinking that you are doing it “for them” it will become more painful when they are not appreciative.

It is also okay to hate them.

I am one of many kids. My parents are gone now and I only have a meaningful surviving relationship with one sibling. I also have great relationships with many (but not all) nieces and nephews. “Losing” those other siblings is not sad — it is fine. The others are not worth having relationships with. They were not nice to my parents and they were not nice to me and there is no loss. My past love for them, I have learned, turned out to be fictional and it was definately one way.

Tough times like these show you what people are really made of. Anyone can be nice during the good times. You were the one that showed up when needed.

My siblings were terrible at the end of my parents’ life. They got even worse after my parents died. They wanted the world to believe they were devoted and dedicated children. They sought sympathy, publicized their loss and began to fight over money and things. They even initiated a lawsuit over stuff. At the end of my parents’ lives, they couldn’t find the time to call or visit.

Send a message to me anytime you need encouragement. Everything will be okay and you will know you did the right thing.

They will slowly and privately suffer for their own mistakes.

omg did I just write this? My head just did a Linda Blair. Can someone read my mind? I feel the exact same way. I feel so stupid about it. I don't want to see or hear them. I feel horrible about it. Because when my parents lived on their own, they had my older sister and younger brother visit once/week, (they all lived closer to each other). Now that they are with me I avoid having them visit and I feel terrible because I have no right to keep them from seeing their parents. I don't have a problem if they come and pick them up and do whatever they want, I just don't want to host them in my home. I never did feel a close relationship to anyone in my family, and before taking my parents in I did not have much contact with them anyway.
I wonder if some of these feelings are due to being just tired and drained from taking care of the elderly, and having to deal with anything else, which requires extra emotional effort, is too difficult, because we have reached our limit.

I cared for my mom in my home for 8 yrs, with out of state siblings. I too felt the same way. Then one day my sister told me “you have to ask for what you need, we can’t read your mind.” So I did and things better. Keep in mind, even if your sibs don’t help and are insensitive to your feelings, you are doing God’s work for your mother and will be rewarded accordingly by Him. You are doing the right thing... honor your mother and father. I pray your sibling situation gets better.

I am in a similar situation and I am hateful towards them. Yes, it is me that will be at peace when they die because I did my best to care for them as they cared for us... but my siblings make me feel anger and make me want to get them back. These are terrible feelings and I, as you do, need to stop hating. It’s not healthy for us... hating does not change the situation and all it does is hurt us. I don’t say forgive them. I won’t... sorry I am not a saint, but I am trying to think more peacefully and you need to also. We cannot change our surroundings all the time so we must accept what we cannot alter and breath in peaceful thoughts and breath out hate and resentment... this is all we can do. I truly believe you and I will be rewarded for being good whether it be the peace at their deaths, later in our lives or after our own death. You are not bad for feeling hate, you are human.

I assume you and your siblings are in your 70s going from the age of your mother.you may be in mid to late 60s. I would have your siblings to come over to your house for an important meeting. I would preplan her furneal, pick out the casket,clothes. We did this for my husband and believes me when I say what a relief. . then ask your siblings to 1. Come over take care of mom while you take a week off maybe one week in summer ok be in winter.
2. They can send some money every month so you can hire. Someone for respite care for you. Give them the two choices and no more. Must choose now or never see or hear from you again that includes any updates on your mom. Never know when she does.

I may be completely out of line here since im only child and when my parents were sick i had only myself to depend on.

do you have all necessary paperwork needed to care for your mother ?

have you seen a lawyer for help and suggestions to become her sole caregiver ?

if you are completely covered to care for her without interference, write off your sibs. Pretend they are her friends if they want to visit. Pretend what they do is not related to you.

If you do not want to hear their suggestions ... just in case they may have something worthwhile ... ignore them. Call the office on aging for suggestions and advice for caregiving help. do not restrict your sibs from seeing your mom unless they upset her and If they get spiteful use three words ... call my lawyer.

heres another three words ... they dont care.

they will if theres money involved. Otherwise ... they. dont. care.

im not saying this is easy. Im not saying you wont be resentful. Who wouldnt be ?
but try to stop the cycle.

just make sure, as i said, that YOU are covered legally and are doing the best you can.

Have you ever asked them to help in any way? I'm just asking, I'm not challenging you.

You would have thought that they might be a bit more considerate of your feelings than to go blathering on about their luxury leisure activities when you're probably grateful if you even get to pee in peace. You would have thought that.

But what we caregivers forget is that these people have not been there and Do Not Have A Clue. Not one. It never enters their well-fed heads that their enthusiastic narratives might be just a wee bit galling - even if you have willingly surrendered these years to your mother's care. Willingly isn't the point. It's about having some %!-F!&*%$$** tact!

They can learn, though. You never know. Is there anything specific that would help you that, realistically, they could manage?

You have every right to feel this way. BUT you must let them know they MUST step up sometimes as well. They don't have to be there every day, every week, or even every month, but at least once a year, each of them has to spell you for at least a weekend so that you can go out just for yourself. You NEED to have dinner or spend a weekend sleeping in at a hotel. They don't know your needs if you don't express them.

The word "fair" and caregiving are never in the same sentence.  99% of the time the stress, time and expense falls on one person.  Sounds like that one person is you and I can certainly relate... My brother who is an RN, younger than me, makes more money than me and is divorced and has more time than me, will not help my mom one bit.  I have anger and resentment towards him and struggle with it often.  I have let most of it go, but it is still there under the surface.  You have to find a way to let it go because the anger is hurting you, not your siblings.  I would suggest coming up with ways to get some of your life back.  My first thought is to move your mom to assisted living.  If you don't feel comfortable doing that or she can't afford it, you might look at elderly daycares several times a week for her so that you can have some time to yourself.  A third thought would be to contact your siblings and let them know that you would like to plan a well deserved vacation, but that would require one of moms other children to stay with her while you're gone.  It will be very interesting to see if one of them steps up to the plate.

Hey I feel you completely. In many ways it’s understandable why I am the caregiver but I am suffering from burn out. My siblings won’t even assist financially. With them it’s “out of sight out of mind.”

But seeing what it is, I’ve just stopped expecting or be even anticipating any help from them. I still love them but sometimes it’s best to live from afar.

Two quick thoughts come to mind:

1. Neither of your siblings have ever offered to help in any way. Have you asked? If you have, and they've refused, let it go. "A grudge will soon rot the pocket you carry it in."

2. If listening to them talk about how wonderful their travel and dining-out experiences are makes you resentful, you can always say, "Sounds like you had a marvelous time! But taking care of our mom makes it impossible for me to do those things any more, and as much as I'm happy for you, I'd prefer that you not mention them again."

I'm not making these suggestions flippantly or callously. It's just that sometimes we overlook the simplest solutions.

I've been in your position, though the circumstances were a bit different - I was my mother's sole caregiver, and my sister lives over 800 miles away. Sis has been in poor health for years (including a bout with breast cancer, chronic incontinence and pernicious anemia that almost killed her) and there was no way that she could assist me, except with the advice she would give me as a retired RN. But for a long time I resented her, mainly because she didn't experience what I did as a caregiver - Mama's irritability and irrational behavior, the daily drudgery of toileting assistance, the sleepless nights, the picky eating... the list goes on. And Sis tried to tell me that she did indeed understand because of her own infirmities, but wouldn't accept that taking care of yourself and taking care of someone else are two completely different things. She even maintained that she was just as frustrated as I was with not being able to go anywhere or do anything. (Guess again, Sis.)

I even held onto that resentment when Mama died, simply because Sis wasn't there. I was completely alone. My husband was out of town with his job, the pandemic was still rolling along, and I had not one shoulder to cry on, not one person to give me a hug. I think at that point, I hated everyone and everything, and continued to do so for the next three months. It was terribly self-destructive.

One day, I finally woke up and realized that if I didn't change my outlook, I would die a premature death as a bitter old woman. I made a conscious effort to see only the positive side of things. I asked God to forgive me for my hatred and resentment, and to show me the path toward a happy life - and He did. I'm now immersed in moving our household to another town, and starting a new chapter in life with my husband (who, though he never really complained, suffered just as much as I did through the difficult years of caregiving).

It's easy to let yourself get dragged down - sometimes literally - when you're the sole caregiver. As the journey continues, do everything you can to make it a positive one (I hope you've found the respite care; it'll help), and concentrate as much on your well-being as you do your mother's. If your siblings irritate you, limit your contact with them and restrict it to updates on your mother's condition, and by all means, avoid conversations that may reawaken hard feelings.

Sorry to have written a sermon here, but once I get started, I can't stop. Best wishes, and I hope you can find calmness and peace. I finally did.

Good Morning Forgotten
I am the sibling that is the recipient of your ill feelings. I moved away from home over 25 years ago. My siblings still live in the same city as mom. When mom developed dementia and needed assistance, my siblings said "I should force her to live with me." ~ I am the only girl. Mom is still aware of her home and everything about her house. When I would bring mom to stay with me, one-week a month, she would ask every day, several times a day, when are you taking me home. Bottom line is I had to arrange in home care for my mom. I got tired of receiving phone calls every day, several times a day from my siblings that live in the same city as mom, and in one case WITH mom, saying how unfair things were to them. When I moved away 25 years ago, no one resented my move. My parents were healthy. Now the relationship with my siblings is estranged. We barely talk. BUT, I am taking care of mom. I talk to her caregivers several times a day and visit her monthly. It is not fair that only one child shoulder the responsibility of caregiving. Hopefully you can use resources within your community to assist you. I started with the caseworker a my mom's doctor's office. She guided me in the direction I needed to go. I pray your siblings step up and assist you because it's the right thing to do. But resenting or hating your siblings is not right. They did not move away and leave you in a situation to be the primary caregiver; they were already gone when the need surfaced. God Bless

Your feelings are entirely natural. As the primary carer for my parents and now my mother, I speak from experience. Sacrifices that you make on a daily basis will go unrecognized and unacknowledged - this hurts, it is definitely not selfishness. In my case what makes it worse is that my parents never told my siblings about my husband and my contribution in their daily life. Obviously my siblings didn't get to know the extent of my duties. They deliberately underplay their medical needs which are met because of my husband and my efforts. My siblings just turned their faces the other way and continued to enjoy life, earn their millions - this does create resentment. A pat on the back from your siblings and occasional consideration goes a long way in making the situation a bit bearable. But it takes a large hearted person to do that. Most people don't do it because they know they are guilty of shirking their responsibility. A word of caution - be prepared for even more harsh words / behaviour from your siblings the day your patience runs out !!

Your "hate" does not effect them one bit. But it is taking up time and space in your heart and brain. So try to let it go.
Sure you feel jealous. I would as well. I am done with my direct caregiving but I do have responsibilities that are difficult to get away from and when friends or relatives go on vacations I feel envious.
Can you get caregivers in to help out for a few hours once in a while? Mom should pay for this with whatever funds she has. (the idea of spending their potential inheritance may spur some extra help or at least conversation)
Have you looked into programs that can help provide caregivers.
I can tell you from experience that even a few hours a way a few days a week can mean a lot. It does not sound like much but a few hours for yourself does amazing things for head, heart, soul.
I do believe in karma to a certain degree.
Your brother and sister may have challenges that you know nothing about.

You may also look into Adult Day Cares. That could give you 1 or 2 days a week to take care of your self.

Wow, I am in the same situation right now where I am looking after my MIL while working with some help from my husband. She has Alzheimer's/Dementia so she needs help with everything (bathing, eating, dressing, walking etc...) My sister in-law dropped her off 2 day's after my FIL passed away at our house and washed her hands of the situation. She has gone back to her comfortable life, does not call, ask how she is, help etc..... She came back to town for a week to pick up items from her parents house and did not even want to see her mother. I had a meeting with her to discuss care and ask that she take her mother for 6 weeks this summer so that I can have a break and get organized at the house for her return back to us full time. She described how difficult that would be for her (she is retired and not working) and basically said NO. This is her own mother and I am the daughter in-law, I can't believe someone would act like this. We have zero help and are on 24/7 and I am fearful of losing my job because of the attention during the day that I have to give my MIL - HELP

Hello Forgotten,

I lived through that 20 years ago. And now one of those sisters is entering hospice. And the other sister is a raging alcoholic. I am living a beautiful , peaceful, and balanced life knowing that I took good care of my mother and carried out her wishes too. My sisters even denied me their love and interaction for many years. And this week, I am on my way to visit the one who is now entering hospice. And I am praying for her everyday; sending caring and sincere cards and texts and e mails of encouragement daily. It is never what anyone else does that is important...It is wonderful when they did help..even as much as they could. Resentment will only eat your soul. It is an insidious evil ploy that is based on empty manipulation. Keep your sight , your inner sight on God.
Love your mother deeply and do for her out of the pure goodness of your heart. You will Never regret it ! You are creating memories that you will remember for the rest of your life. Treasure every moment...they go fast! Take photos, play music for her, create lovely meals with flowers on the table...treat her as you would want to be treated ...and tell her you love her often. Please, don't let your energy be drained out of these final days. That would be sad ...for your mother and you. Your mother feels your love! And she needs it. She gave it to you ...and God calls us to Honor our mothers and fathers. Your siblings will deal with their own shame and guilt throughout their lives. You will Know that you loved deeply and fully and generously.

I understand your dilemma. My 3rd sibling has at times washed his hands of helping out and we are not often in agreeable over it as he thinks they should have gone to LTC . It was and still does cause term oil between siblings but we are working on improving it . Everyone now has a role and it helps everyone .
I don’t think you are jealous . Every caretaker regardless of loving it or not needs reprieve or you land in burnout . Sounds like you found the idea of respite care but having said that over time it may not resolve the resentment that you are caring the load . Caregiving may not always be about loving every moment but rather a responsibility to care for family because family has each other’s back in a time of need . Our parents who sacrificed for us as kids , I believe deserve to be helped out by all of us not just the ones who love to do it .
I like to use the analogy of parenting . Realistically as the role of a parent to a child, did you “love” every moment ? I love my child unconditionally every moment , but it doesn’t mean that each parenting advent is going to be an easy or happy and May require a break so that you can be a better in your role . Caring for our own parents has many similarities . Physical Distance from siblings is just an excuse as far as I’m concerned . Now with technology and how the world is evolving everyone can participate in someway . Maybe one person takes over online banking for mom or places her online shopping orders for what she needs , they can do research on something that she requires . Maybe it’s regular FaceTime calls to give her companionship so for just a moment you have reprieve from your day. Maybe it’s helping you
with a task with your life so it free’s up time for you to physically care for your parent . There is a lot that can be done from behind the scenes to help out . You shouldn’t feel like
your going it alone . Your parent
was a parent to all of you, not just you . They can find a way to help even if it’s not in person . I wish you and your family all the best and lots of peace . Don’t be so hard on yourself , your doing a great job .

I am a realist and pragmatic for the most part. I have 3 sisters who all live in distant states. I was dad's caregiver even though he lived in a facility all the way from IL, AL, to LTC. At times I would be so depressed and sick of it all that I would begin to resent my sisters for the fact that they could just live their lives as they pleased with none of the stress I was dealing with. Realistically I knew that was ridiculous because they lived in another state and weren’t here to help. Why shouldn’t they be living their lives? If the tables were turned, I would be living my life...that is what people do. Should I expect them to sit home? Of course not. What we resent is that our lives are being affected by the stress so we transpose it onto them.
The sister who lived closest was always on a trip somewhere exotic when dad would have a health crisis or when I had to empty out his AL apartment and move him to LTC etc. Finally I leveled with her and asked her to come visit more often and she did as she was also POA with me for health and finances. She would come every 6 weeks and that helped me a lot. We have a great relationship. I love my sisters but it is not their fault they lived elsewhere. Regardless the resentment can feel real and it’s best not to let it get the best of you. I began to see a therapist to discuss these feelings as well as the stress of caring for my dad. I would suggest a therapist and many of them do counseling over Zoom now. Hate eats up your heart and does bad things to our brain. Don’t let it. I hope you find someone to talk to and hopefully can have a heart to heart with your sisters.

Hello...understand your feelings. This situation can happen w siblings living in the same state. Have u asked either of them since they are traveling to visit mom so u can get break? Have u thought about Respite care for a week or 2 for mom so u can take a vacation?

Omg yes! Out of 4 daughters, I am the only one taking care of my father . My other sisters can’t be bothered. Just know YOU are doing the right thing. Your mother will know that too. I know that. I know it’s hard. I know the hatred. But you stepping up shows what your character is made of. Hang in there. I never understood how my siblings could not care. Shows their character. They will have to live with that after our parents are gone. Just take it day by day. I see you and hear you! And I’m very proud

I think feeling some envy and resentment is pretty normal. But when it crosses the line to hatred, something is out of balance. If your siblings are not local, they can't participate in your mother's daily care, but perhaps they could contribute financially for a week of respite care every couple of months so you can also enjoy yourself and get some refreshment. Please remember that your siblings can't understand thedemands of daily care since they don't experience it, and that their vacations and activities aren't about you. If you need help and there is some way they could provide it ftom where they are, it's probably best to think of what, specifically, you and your mother need, and ask for it. If it's something they could reasonably do, but refuse, that's another matter, but you may be surprised at how thi gs can improve for you if you ask.

My brother is the same, he has no concept of what my mother is going through. He also lives a distance away, but he doesn't even call. My situation is different then yours because my mom is in a long-term care facility. So I'm lucky that my contribution is visitation and spending valuable time. I can only imagine how mentally and physically taxing it can be on a caregiver, and how those feelings of resentment can creep up. But when all is said and done and your mother passes, you will have no regrets. You were there for her through the tough time and that says something about your character. You will not experience the "I wish" moments after someone is gone. Your siblings will.

In my opinion your siblings should be jealous of you. They should be so lucky to have the strength that is needed to be able to give up your own life to take care of someone you love. That sacrifice isn't easy, I respect you for that. It takes too much effort to hate, and to be honest you should feel sorry for them that they are missing that time with your mother. I'm not sure of your situation but maybe there is some external help you a can inquire about like a PSW to come in a couple hours a day to give you a break?

Try and let go of the hatred, it will only consume you. Try and find the humour in everyday.

You are not a “selfish” brat ~ your feelings are understandable as caring for loved ones, even if you love doing it, takes a toll on the caregiver.

A family meeting may be something to consider as your siblings need to know your feelings and the amount of care your mom really requires. Maybe there is a solution at hand ~ spending part of their “vacation” with your mother ~ allowing you some respite time? Sometimes, people only understand dollars. You could ask that all children contribute to caregiving costs ~ whether they are payable to you or an outside provider. Since they are out of town, this may be the only way that they can really have an impact on your mothers care. They may not have a true picture of how much home care is needed to support your mother.

I would encourage you to resolve it sooner than later. Your mother will be requiring more care. If you do not feel more supported now, even if your siblings contribute later, your resentment will have grown and it potentially can be very painful. Seeing non-participants become involved at the very end can be very hard for a caregiver.

You are a sweet soul to lovingly care for your mother. Provide opportunity for your siblings to participate ~ have them brainstorm some ideas. You may be surprised at what they come up with once they know that their contributions would mean so much to your mother.

best wishes

I feel hatred for my brother's obscene callousness and haven't talked to my him in years. He globetrotted and bragged about it throughout my mom's last years and exploded at me that he was working 24/7 when I called him on it. 

So I won't join the pile-on of (well-meaning?) people here who say caregiving is a choice. Yes, you get so overwhelmed that you can't evaluate social services clearly, but the time, money and research you first have to put in never get shared in dysfunctional families. It's all "me first".

So let me be the first to blow the whistle at the pile-on here and say these "caregiving is a choice" types would be staring through bars in China where abandoning one's parents is a punishable crime. We're so tolerant of bad behavior here. Why is blaming the victim for caring and excusing the callous for not caring so common on AgingCare?

My mother is the same age and I can't see why you can't go away on holiday with her. Perhaps not too far away, but we live in England and plan a trip to Greece in May. She's coming with us for the holiday.
I don't resent my siblings because their lifestyles cannot fit caring for someone 24/7. My one sister lives in Greece and the other works 12 hour shifts so it's impossible for them. I know they would help if they could. I can understand your frustration not having them offer, but perhaps you could ask them and see what they say?

What do you want them to do from so many miles away? Whatever it is, have you asked or told them that? They won't know you are in distress unless you tell them or bring up the subject yourself.