Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

It is complete resentment and I completely understand. Mine is with my husbands siblings. His 89 year old dad has lived with us since 2016. He is still mobile but he never leaves. They never take him out or to their houses. His has a son that lives in Bimini and I reached out to them a year ago asking that they take him if even for a week. His response was “I don’t feel comfortable, there’s not a hospital on the island.” We haven’t spoken since. Like your siblings they are busy enjoying their lives. My anger and resentment towards them and him continues to grow.

Oh my gosh, I feel all of your emotions!! Being a caregiver is so revealing isn't it. The selfishness and apathy from other family (I use the tern grudgingly)members is astounding. Never available, can't be bothered but heaven forbid something happens to the loved one, it's all our fault!!
I care for my Grandmother who has 4 children; one medically unable to physically assist and lives 400 miles away and another even further out of. One comes to visit about once a month at the nursing home (about once a year when she was home). The worst offender lives in our condo development, a 5 minute walk yet went 2 YEARS between visits. Completely useless. Besides me Gram also has 10 more Grandchildren and 23 great-grands. The babies, most of whom she's never met are excused but there are plenty adult ones that are absent as well. No surprise given how their parents act though.
I've finally learned to say good riddance because all that hate and resentment was so draining.

I understand, I have a sister in-law that has failed to lift a finger to help her mother after her father died. Her mother came to live with my husband and I full time, she has no clue the challenge that it is to take care of someone who is late stages dementia and now fully incontinent. I work a full time job and have to get her up in the morning work 8 hours, cook all the meals, household chores, do 100% of the toileting, bedtime routine, dressing etc...... both my husband and I have not had a weekend off in the last 4 months as we have no part time support on the weekends. If I run out to get some groceries for and hour by the time I get back my husband is on the driveway yelling at me to get in the house quickly because my mother in-law has to go to the washroom ! There is a part of me that also wanted to delay returning so that he can experience what it is like to have to take care of this aspect of things.

I am burnt out ! We recently organized moving her into long term care which should help but I am still very resentful of getting no acknowledgement or appreciation for stepping up to help her mom. I just had to deal with her having a bowel movement in her clothes and cleaning her up, she unfortunately has lost all understanding of having to go to the washroom. These are the some of the things that I want her to be grateful that I am here helping her mother with. I don't think she understands what I have sacrificed/given up to be a full time caregiver while working a full time job. My husband too is very dedicated to making sure his mom is cared for and will be visiting her everyday to make sure she is not alone and adjusting while my sister in-law lives across the country, retired playing golf........so I totally understand your feeling if jealousy while other family members are oblivious to helping.

yes...I feel resentful, but brother doesn't really take vacations that I know of lately. If he did, he knows better not to tell me ...he's not cut out for caregiving for his mother and he's older than me. I really have nobody else except for my private pay aide for my mother...who's taken care of her since 2016 when the falling started. I had other private pay caregivers that left to go to other jobs. My mother is now 94 and has had dementia, behavior problems, immobile, incontinent. I suppose it would be nice if he offered to pay for her care...but I haven't really asked him...if I couldn't pay for it, I would probably find other ways besides asking him for $$$$. (No ...not robbing a bank) lol.

One thing I know for sure, is hatefulness in your heart will not do you a bit of good. I believe in karma, though. God sees everything you're doing, and also everything siblings AREN'T doing.

I wouldn't even bother with them unless absolutely necessary. You have demonstrated that YOU are the dependable, responsible one. Knowing that you don't need them for anything because you can depend on yourself...One day they will get a rude awakening when they have no choice and face a situation and YOU will be the one relaxing on the beach with a nice umbrella drink...and you will tell THEM how much fun YOU'RE having!!!

So sorry for your situation...Hugs!!

At the end of six years of my being my Alzheimer mom's primary caregiver, I begged my sister to switch one of her medicines from oral to twice yearly injection. The oral had to be taken first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach, with two big glasses of water, and mom could not lie back down for an hour which meant she had to be watched and entertained to keep her sitting up. I knew the old age home we were moving her too would not be able to follow this protocol due to the one caregiver for seven patients ratio. My mom is NOT an easy patient. My sister would not do so. She saw absolutely no reason why I could not keep going in every Sunday and giving mom her meds. When I explained that I had done so every single Sunday for six years while she, and my other sisters spent the morning at spin class, or brunching, or sleeping in, or whatever else they enjoyed and I needed to have my Sundays back. It was her turn to attend to mom if she insisted on not switching the medicines. Sister was absolutely amazed and shocked at my refusal. She kept saying that she did not understand why I couldn't just continue. I was the "only one who knew how to give the meds." I assured her that I would train her if she was intimidated and giving the meds wasn't rocket science, just boring and tedious. Sister kept insisting that she could not understand why I wouldn't continue. They all had rich full lives and couldn't possibly devote Sundays to mom and her meds. This is just a small example of how truly entitled my sisters had become. You couldn't fake her emotions. She truly was astonished that I wouldn't continue taking care of mom since the whole thing was working out so well for her and mom. It took me a long time to face up to my sisters selfishness and lack of respect or concerns for me and what my life had become as primary caregiver. It still hurts. And, yes, I have no love for them anymore. This was just one example. Multiple by 1000 and you will know the extend of the B.S. I put up with while in denial about my sisters true natures.

I have a sister in a similar situation but the way I look on it, is I have more memories with my mum and proud I’m there to help her as much as I can, it can be annoying so totally understand how you feel. Well done for all your hard work, you certainly are a better person than your sister or brother

You are not wrong & certainly not evil! I was in the same position for 5 years by myself. It was overwhelming responsibility & constant work. I had a counselor and 2 anti-depressants to get by.

One sister at least offered emotional support & thanked me for taking care of our mother.
Nothing from the other sister.
Our mom died in Sept 2019.
I let one sister know immediately. I wrote the other one. I didn't want either at the funeral, but I wouldn't have stopped them.
So many of my friends came & that was uplifting.
I recently wrote the non supportive sister who had written me telling me how much she "loved me". I told her we really didn't have much in common & love isn't just a word, it's what you do; it's a verb.
I really don't care if I see her or not. I'm not going to worry about her or bother trying to have any meaningful dialogue with her. That ship has sailed. I'll be civil if our paths cross. But I'll never feel the same about her. And that's okay.
Remember YOUR feelings matter & be good to yourself. ❤️

Hey Forgotten2,

You're not wrong to have the feelings you do and you're a good daughter for wanting to take care of your mother in her old age.
Wanting and needing a bit of help with some of the caregiving is more than understandable. No one who is the only caregiver to a needy elderly person can go it alone indefinitely without getting burnout.
Your brother and sister are the ones who are wrong because they're not willing to help with anything. Even if they can't help out with hands-on care because they live out of state, they can contribute and assist in other ways. Like paying for a few hours a week of home/health care to give you a break and to help out around the house. If your siblings can afford to go on vacations and live it up, then between the two of them they can afford to pay for some homecare for your mom. If they're not willing to kick in and pay for some hired help for your mom, then you should. Pay for it out of your mother's income. Believe me it's for your own good because you need some respite yourself from being the sole caregiver.
Talk to them about it. In the meantime don't beat yourself up about whatever feelings you have. You're the one stepping up and doing the job, not your siblings.

Dear Forgotten2 ~ You have every right to feel the way you do. We all send {{{{HUGS}}}} your way. My advice is to get the anger out of your system. It will eat at you and stress you out even more. I know, easier said than done. There's always, it seams, one child (usually a daughter) who takes charge. It's usually the selfless and the most competent one.

I, too, was in that situation. My sister (who lived less that 1 mile from our Mom) did zip. Wouldn't even call or visit. After our Dad died 10 years prior to our Mom, she maybe saw our Mom twice a year. TWICE A YEAR. Pathetic and pitiful. I know Mom felt hurt that she never visited or called but she never said a word. I thought my sister would feel guilty after she passed. Nope. Just went on like nothing changed. Some siblings don't want to know or do anything to assist their aging parents. As long as their care doesn't affect them, they're OK with it. I finally realized that after many YEARS of it angering me and eating me up. I realized those feelings were doing nothing to help my mental state. Once I let go of the anger and resentment, I felt much better mentally and physically. Like I said, it was easier said than done, but I made peace with my feelings.

Now, do I have a relationship with my sister? No. Not really. I don't call her. She doesn't call me. I'm okay with it. I'll send her a birthday card and Christmas card. The minimum. We live 2 miles from each other. She never calls or visits. Zero interest.

Our Mom counted on me for support and I gave it and then some. I hope she felt loved by me, my husband and our children. She was always so happy to see us. Keep your spirits up, connect with friends. It seemed like my close girlfriends were all going through the same caregiving challenges as I was. It helps to talk to others. We are here for you.

Same here! You end up realizing that they not only have their freedom, they also have peace of mind because their parents are well taken card of. I’ve got 2 parents & all the worries, all the stress, and my husband and I can’t live our lives. We live 70 miles away. I have 4 subs. 3 sibs live in my parents town. The 4th lives further away but not as far as I do. They do nothing but grocery shop. My husband and I are in our late 60’s/early 70’s & still work - we aren’t retired. We can’t retire because we’ve spent the last 8 years taking care of my parents & couldn’t work enough to finish building for retirement. I get so angry sometimes that I can’t even think. I don’t express that to them because they just make things worse for me. They are not good people. They justify doing nothing by blaming me - I took over everything (not true)...I decided to have them stay in their home (not true)... They weren’t asked to help (not true).... I have tried family meetings, having my mother speak with them directly, making lists of easy things to do, setting boundaries & limits, nothing works because they don’t want it to. They either say they will do things then never follow through, or they ignore me. I find that if I don’t let go of my anger it hurts me not them. They don’t care one way or the other. It’s clear they’ve dumped it all on me. They think that since I was assigned as POA and Trustee that it’s my job!! Very convenient. One sister told my mother off one day & left the family because my mother said her decisions about their Trust were hers to make. It was just a way for that sister to remove herself from having to do anything at all. This is a no win situation. My decision was to stop trying to deal with them and start making decisions on my own - doing what’s best for me, my husband, and my parents. My sibs will think what they want to think and say what they want to say about me anyway. My not speaking to them doesn’t make it easier or relieve me of any burden. But it keeps them away from me so that I don’t get verbally abused and I don’t have to hear about their vacations and other things they are doing. I’m trying to place my parents. It’s unfortunate it has to come to that. My family is simply gone now. But all that rests on my siblings conscience I guess ...if they have one.

I'm in a similar situation: my 2 sisters and I have been putting our lives on hold to take care of our father. We have a brother who lives in Alaska, and I often feel a twinge of envy or resentment that he's "off the hook" for doing his share. Fortunately, he's been supportive and agreeable with all the decisions we girls
have to make. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for your situation, but I know you aren't alone.

Focussing on you; hatred is a natural emotion. For your own sense of well-being I would love for you to find a way to feel it, understand where it comes from then to get past it. I understand - ‘overstand’ your situation. The thing is, caring is tiring, not being able to live your life the way you want is frustrating. Feeling hatred is doubly tiring, it will drain you. It will use up valuable head space and heart space. It’s like drinking a cup of poison. It will kill you, not them. Take back your head and heart space-it’s yours. When you find yourself thinking thoughts about those individuals do something for you. Read a few pages from a book, listen to an audio book if too busy or listen to music with earbuds in. If it’s late at night and you’re ruminating, write your thoughts down in a journal then put it away. Find a hobby and focus on that for the time it takes to clear your head. Just don’t go down the hatred rabbit hole. I am speaking from a place where I am sole carer but have two brothers and a sister. They do nothing and heap vitriol on me as I have finance POA (share health POA with covert narcissistic sister) and they think they should have it. I do all the things I have suggested here and it helps. I don’t hate the siblings. Actually, I don’t feel much of anything for them except occasional sadness about being part of the family. I don’t feel sorry for them, their actions are their choice and they can’t run away from that no matter what they say. This is a season, it will pass and when it does, I will have nothing more to do with them. Hooray!! I can go on in life with a clear conscience-so can you! Meanwhile, I’ll do the best I can for the prototype, my mother. She has dementia and can’t help her difficult upbringing. It’s a pity she didn’t learn from it before corrupting her other children but that ship has sailed. Being a scapegoat was and is a gift I’ll forever be grateful for. I’m in this situation and doing what I’m doing because I’m not like them. Find things to be grateful for. Be grateful (I hope you already are) that you are you. Work toward putting hatred behind you, don’t let it poison you.

I’m 37, single , no kids, youngest of 6 siblings and I’m living the same reality as a sole provider for my elderly parents, one of which has dementia

i think your feelings are 100% valid. My mom got ill and needed care and me and one of my sisters moved in with her and took care of her until she unfortunately passed. She was diagnosed with cancer as it was heartbreaking. We were so stressed but don’t regret it for a minute. We have two more sisters who live close by and acted like nothing was happening. I had so much anger and resentment towards them and to be Honest I still do., It was their loss. I am so happy I was able to be there for my mother who Cared for us our entire lives. I’m sorry that you do not have help during this stressful time. You are a wonderful daughter. I hope you were able to get the respite care you need. Take care.

I have the same feeling's towards my siblings and her siblings

I’ve been caring for my Mom for 10 years. I have two brothers, both local who do nothing. They actually have not visited Mom in over a year using covid as an excuse. One of them visited regularly before covid but didn’t do anything.

My Mom is at the 24 hour care can’t do anything for herself stage so it’s a lot. We have caregivers now and that is who I rely on.

My one brother who never left his house during the last year actually said to me I was playing with fire going out. Like I ever had any choice. I had to take my Mom to the hospital in the last year as well as other places. Some of us don’t have the luxury of living our own lives because we are responsible for someone else.

I feel resentment toward them, but not hatred. Most of the time I don’t think about it and I’ve accepted it. I figured if I didn’t let it go, it would be me suffering because they feel zero guilt or responsibility. Being angry and resentful only hurts me as they are unaffected by it all.

They have said if it were them, Mom would be in a facility. Period. Many people have told me to say and do things. Make demands, but I know my family and we would end up fighting and it wouldn’t change a thing. They are not going to start helping. When this is over at some point, I still want my family. In some ways, it’s easier because I don’t have to get their input or advice.

I do get overwhelmed and depressed sometimes, but I’ve also shared some really beautiful moments with my Mom that I will always cherish. She thanks me, tells me she loves me when she knows who I am, touches my face and tells me I’m beautiful, says funny things and we laugh. Those are priceless memories. So that is where I try to focus.

First, try not to fall into the "hate" category. That's not a place you want to be in. Try instead, frustrated with, annoyed with, angry at..... Hate is much harder to mend.
Second, do your siblings know your feelings? Sounds like you are fuming all alone. Have a family zoom call and lay out your requests...
Such as, Hey sis, Mom needs assistance from May 10-20. I will not be able to care for Mom at that time. Do you want to arrive the night before?--I can pick you up at the airport. Then, go on a trip.
Hey brother, Mom needs help with Spring cleaning. It would work out best if you came June 1-5.
(make it your mother's request, not yours. It's her health that needs to be cared for, not YOUR health. That discussion can come later. Dont play the blame game --you just make yourself feel worse.)
I'll let you work out the specific dates and call you on 'Tuesday' at which point you offer them phone contacts for a respite caregiver...at their cost.
Yes, they are rotten, narrow minded BUT also apparently confident in your caring for your Mother. I know, I was the caregiver and WOW was I the lucky one being with both parents---we really had an amazing love triangle going on. I was privileged to help navigate them to heaven.l

Hi, I know exactly how you feel becuase I feel the same way and the people I feel this toward aren't even my own siblings -- they are my brothers-in-law and sister-in -law who lives in Florida. Since my mother-in-law's recent decline, I have basically taken over all medical, shopping and living situation issues for my mother-in-law because my husband drives for work and I am currently working from home. All of them act as if I don't have a full-time job!! The two brother-in-law both live in the same state but do nothing. I will say one pays her cell phone bill. Neither of them drive due to drunk driving conditions and that is their out. It is not my problem that they lost their licenses and failed to get them back. The last straw was last weekend when I managed to decline a cousins' lunch with my mother-in-law. However, as I was enjoying my day, my husband called me because everyone had too much to drink and asked me to drive his mother and his brother home. After all I have done for her, my mother-in-law launched into obnoxious conversation to me about all sorts of things. My brother-in-law implored her to stop talking but she wouldn't. I dropped them both off at her apartment and haven't spoken to either since. I'm done.

Yes, I resent my siblings moving on in life while all mom’ s care falls on me. When they say, “I love you”, I don’t think that they even know what it truly means. How can you watch someone struggling but go on in life as if it’s not your problem?? This is a season that I’m going through. One day, mom will pass away and I’ll move on in life. My siblings may get to face similar seasons as they get older. I can’t say that I’d drop everything to run to help them.

I know how you feel! As the oldest of 3 I have always been the closest to our parents; been there for all surgeries, doctor appointments but also wonderful times as well. My brother and sister live in Alaska; we’re in Ohio. They have rarely participated over the years but now they want to be added as co-POA’s because they don’t trust me. My husband have given so, so much over the years. We even moved from and hour away to 2 blocks away from my dad after my mom died in 2018.
I was assigned POA by my mom and dad and my husband and I have compassionately given my dad care and kept him, with the help of caregivers, in his home.
My sibs are making my life hell.

Like on a plane remember to put your air mask on before you help others!

Hate is a very strong word. I’m in the same boat. My siblings tell mom how nice of a dinner they had at a restaurant 20 minutes from us but never pick her up and take her. On my father’s death bed he said that he would take good care of mom. He lives 30 minutes away and only comes every once in a while for Sunday breakfast and fires his gun. I have pictures of everyone at breakfast on their cell phones. Resentful yes . Hate no they don’t have a clue.

I also was a solo caregiver for my mother because my sister lives out of state. I did feel some resentment and to add on I felt guilty for feeling that way. It's like being caught in the middle and there's just no other way but through it. I made the mistake though of not letting her and other people know how scared, stressed, etc. I was. There are so many emotions all n none when one goes through this stuff.

Yes. All the time.

The reality is if they’re washing their hands of Mom’s care, that’s on them. If you want to hate them, sever ties or feel anger - do it and don’t feel badly about it. Caregiving is so hard and you want to feel like you can count on your family - even a little. So when you can’t, that really hurts. Don’t add a topping of guilt on everything else you have to do. I’m sure you feel good taking care of Mom, but you also miss living your life and pursuing your interests. All totally reasonable and normal feelings.

Since placing her doesn’t seem to be an option for you, at least look into getting some respite care maybe once or twice a week. You need to remember yourself and take care of you too. It’s hard and I can hear “great, one more thing I have to do”, but if you can manage it, that will really help. The care worker won’t just be sitting there, she/he will be giving you space to have some “you” time.

Don’t wait until your Mom passes before you reclaim some of your life back. You absolutely deserve to enjoy your life too.

Much support to you!

Dear Forgotten2,
I’m so happy you posted the “hate” word as I have the exact same feelings toward my sole surviving brother, his wife, and my late siblings’ children.
I’m fortunate to have moved my mom with Alzheimer’s to Assisted Living near me. My husband is a huge help to me. I manage all my moms medical, financial, and every other need and concern.
My family members have not even called me in the 3 1/2 years she’s been near me in Assisted Living. I’m so hurt and disappointed that they can’t even call to ask how I am and how my mom is. All I’d like is some acknowledgement to my existence and appreciation for my efforts.
The anger and resentment I feel towards them is eating me alive and definitely not good for my health.
I appreciate the comments that advise to focus on yourself and to try to find ways to make your life more enjoyable and to forget about them.
It isn’t easy. People say having gratitude helps. I’m grateful to my husband and to the Assisted Living staff for all the help and support they provide.
Funny thing is that my family probably learned their self-centeredness from my mom, who was always a raging narcissist. She modeled that behavior.
The 2 siblings I had, with a slight sense of concern for others have since died. The sole remaining sibling I have is too stunted to have any initiative or compassion.
I also hope to find a way to let go of the negative feelings of hatred and resentment.
I’m glad you shared your feelings here. I hope you’re able to get some respite to better be able to care for yourself.
You are not forgotten. I am thinking of you and send you healing love and compassion. I also recognize and acknowledge all the hard work you’re doing to care for your mom.
Here’s to us both finding some healing peace in our hearts.

To care for another is one of the highest callings in life and when done wth love and thoughtfulness is rewarded in heaven. Yes, it is a huge responsibility, which is why the reward afterwards is so great. Traveling and having fun earns no "points" in the afterlife. Your love and commitment is amazing to me and I can picture just giving you a hug as thanks for what you are doing, even though we are strangers to one another.

As others have pointed out, "hate" is not an avenue to follow. Let them diddle away their lives on self indulgent things. What you are doing is important, what they are doing is not. Stay focused and thoughtful in your care and may you have the strength and mental stamina to handle it well!

You're not alone...I'm sorry and wish I could offer more support but I'm trapped in a similar situation and it's killing me. Just remember, this is temporary.

You may believe you "love doing for her...", but at some level you are also resentful. Now don't let that be a really bad thing. It is fairly normal. You have siblings who do nothing - that not only hurts, it is somehow mystifying. I know for years I would ask myself, why is it only me that see Mom Needs help. They are so selfish and hateful. But in reality, they just were not "capable" of handling the necessities she needed. They couldn't see (And at another level didn't want to see) that I could have used some help. Don't let this consume you, be proud that you are there for your mother. On a level we can never really understand ourselves, mom knows what is going on.

And on a more selfish note: your siblings, like mine, will have to live the rest of their lives with the knowledge that they never offered any real help while Mom was alive - and believe me they will feel it. Blessings and joy for what time you have left with your Mother, Remember and cherish it.

Forgotten2: Imho, your siblings will not change and it certainly is extremely difficult for you to hear about their life experiences of entertainment. However, acrimony will consume you, else you think on it. You are a STELLAR caregiver to your mother and you can hold your head high.

Hate is a strong word. However, I would never say your feelings aren't justified--they certainly are. My brother and his wife took off for Disney world last November while my sister and I were traveling between NY, MA, and VA in order to get our parents' house packed up so they could move. We have another brother that lives in Seattle and has conveniently used Covid as an excuse not to lift a finger for the past year. He sends pictures via text message constantly of views around Seattle and his dog. He has no clue what the rest of us have dealt with since Sept. I am really getting sick of it.

Our dad has Parkinsons and fell 2x last summer which ended up in him being hospitalized. Our mother had breat cancer and pancreatic cancer 10 yrs ago and she has arthritis in her knees which affects her mobility. She has also suffered heart problems from the effects of the chemo she received when she had cancer. She just recently had to have a procedure bc she was experiencing shortness of breath.

So we were already concerned about the two of them living in a large 4 bedroom colonial and going up and down stairs. The decision had been made that our parents should move to a condo with caregivers. However, before that plan could be put into action all hell broke lose.

Our mother fell and broke her hip in Sept. She had been caring for our dad who has advanced Parkinsons. This spearheaded moving our dad to memory care and our mother to AL after having caregivers coming to the house to care for our dad while our mom was in the hospital. (Horrible situation) My mother just recently moved into AL. Our father went into memory care at the beginning of Nov. They are in the same facilitiy but in different apartments. I have to be honest, though, and admit that some of these problems my parents brought upon themselves. I am annoyed by that as well. They knew my dad had Parkinsons 10 years ago--they could have made lifestyle changes well before now--my brother that went to Disney and I tried to get them to see the light several years ago, but they dug in their heels.

I really wish they would have moved several years ago and closer to me and my sister in MA. My mother's sisters and their spouses and children all live in RI. We were a military family so that is how we ended up all scattered. But if my parents would have moved back up neareret to my sister there would be entire support network we could put in place. As it is, they are in
VA and only my brother who went to Disney lives down there. He has not been over to see our dad once since he went to memory care. I live in NY and I have been there more than he has. I was thinking today I guess I will have to plan on going down there at least every other month to visit.

I work in an elementary school in NY and I went down to VA in Oct and then had to quarantine upon my return before I could go back to work. I went back down again in Nov and then again in Jan. I did not quarantine then bc VA was removed from the NY do not travel list. I don't feel hatred but do I feel very annoyed. I wish people would step up and help out more.