Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

Perhaps you do not "love" providing her care as much as you are telling yourself, or, you are may be approaching burnout. It is not healthy to be envious when you say you are doing something you chose and supposedly love. Maybe you just love the idea but not the everyday reality. Your siblings are not to blame, they are doing what they choose and love. I don't think you are evil or selfish or bratty -- I think you are conflicted (and again, maybe burning out). You need to come to peace with what you're doing or you need to change it. There's no 3rd option. Blessings to you.

From the other side of the fence - I know that my SIL and BIL feel some resentment towards my husband and myself because we don't live with FIL and provide his 24/7 care. We really had to talk about that. They had some unrealistic expectations. They moved in with him because they needed a roof over their heads. It was supposed to be temporary and at the time he didn't really need a caregiver. But he is a raging narcissist and took a great deal of advantage of them being there and in doing so stopped doing for himself and lost his mobility. As a result now he is as dependent on them physically as they are on him financially. So it's an ugly situation and I know that it is hard for them not to resent the fact that we aren't in it with them. But we aren't in it with them. We do what we can to help out. He is a two person transport any time he leaves the house, and we take time off of work to help. We live an hour away and we do our best to help as much as we can. But it is logistically impossible for us to do as much as they do because don't live there.

As Geaton suggests, maybe you aren't as happy as you think you are caring for your mom if you are resentful of their carefree life? We don't vacation and run off willy-nilly. We provide backup care for them to travel. But the amount of care is never going to be equal.

Have you actually ASKED your siblings for help? Often we assume people will offer, we assume they should just KNOW that we need help. But in this busy world we live in, people aren't just going to throw out offers of help, we have to ask for what we need. If you seem to have it under control and love doing it, they may assume you don't want or need help.

Don't sit on hate. Don't resent them for choices that you have made. If you don't like the way your life is going, you have to make changes. If they don't want to be involved, there are other options. But you don't have to be unhappy in your life and angry at them because they are happy in theirs. You have options and you have choices to make.

I used to feel like you do. They were free to live their life and expected the world from me.

It is difficult to understand when going through this.

We become confused and have all sorts of emotional upheaval going on in our heads.

The truth is they don’t have a clue as to how it feels to be a caregiver. Did any of us before we did it? I know that I didn’t.

Honestly, we can’t choose their lives for them and we must accept that.

This doesn’t mean that we have to agree on everything. No two people think alike on all matters.

I didn’t see any positive changes in my life until I started focusing on myself more than my siblings.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Take care.

Your siblings have done nothing wrong. They are healthy human beings who don’t want to take on the responsibility of care giving. They are free to do whatever they please. Your siblings are not the problem.

If you don’t like the situation you are in then only you can change it. If you want to be free to come and go as you please and take a vacation then you will have to place your mom into a facility. You can’t have it both ways. It’s one or the other. You can’t be a caregiver to an aging parent snd be free to come and go as you please and travel. It’s one or the other. Not both. Just stating the facts and the truth. Siblings have nothing to do with YOUR situation.

First of all, (((hugs))), I get the feeling of resentment and jealousy.

Secondly, it's hard to hear others tell you to, in essence, "get over it." Not very helpful, in my opinion. While it is true that you have "chosen" to take care of mom, and they have "chosen" not to, I'm sure there are times you don't feel like you have much of a choice anymore, even if that might not necessarily be true.

As the youngest of 3 siblings who took care of mom once she wasn't able to do for herself, my advice is to have am honest, direct, frank conversation with your siblings. It doesn't have to be acrimonious; it doesn't have to get reduced to a "scorecard" of who does what for mom. But if you are interested in maintaining a relationship with your sibs, especially after mom has passed, you need to talk to them NOW, before the resentment grows into something that can never be overcome. And I would strongly suggest NOT doing it via e-mail or text, but either by phone (ok) or in person (even better). So much is lost having conversations electronically, especially when it's an emotional subject. You lose tone of voice, body language, etc. and something said innocently is taken out of context and makes things worse rather than better. And you have to be willing to listen to their point of view as well.

What would you like the end result to be? Once you figure that out, go forward with your "eyes on the prize", so to speak...for example, if you would like to get respite from mom so you can travel, don't just assume that your only option is to get one of them to fill in, and then get frustrated when they can't or won't do that...if they can give you assistance to find a place that will take mom for respite, then take them up on that. If you would like them to take over once a week, then you need to be flexible on when they are able to do that. If you find that this entire caregiving situation is becoming too much for you - and you might be at that point now, or it might be way down the road - then ask for and accept what help they can give to find a suitable place for mom.

Non-caring siblings can be wonderfully and willfully obtuse when it comes to realizing how much care an elderly parent can be - one of my sisters surely was - I call it having "plausible deniability" In other words, if no one tells me how bad things are, then things must not be bad. But even if your sibs are like this, if you're not often telling them what's going on, then you need to start having those conversations, and the sooner the better. And if they refuse to help, then you have your answer and can form a plan to go forward, but at least you'll know. Then you can make the decision to cut ties with them knowing that you did everything you could to mitigate those circumstances.

I sure hope you can talk to them and get them onboard to help! Good luck!

I refused to get angry. One brother is 8 hours away and dealing with a MIL. TG my SIL had told her family that Mom living with her was not an option so she did everything she could to keep her in IL and then an AL. Brother was an alcoholic. Sister wanted POA and then never paid Moms bills or visited that often. So SIL was able to get POA back and caught Mom up. My other brother was going thru a divorce. They really didn't do much for Mom before Dementia so I shouldn't have expected it after. Which broke my Dads heart because she was a good Mom.

No, its not fair they can do whatever they like and then rub it in. But choices were made, why did you take on the care? Why don't you ask if they would agree to care for Mom why you go on a much needed vacation? There are options. If Mom has money a nice Assisted living? An aide to allow u some me time. If she has money, respite in an AL or LTC facility so you can get away.

I hope for your own life and health you can get past this hatred. It’s not affecting your siblings a bit while it’s causing you pain. You’re choosing to be a caregiver and it’s important that you not live in resentment. One of my siblings did help some while resenting everything that he did. Another didn’t help at all. That’s when I learned that resentment is a waste and only brought me down. I wish you healing and peace

Your life seems to be at least partially consumed with an all-encompassing hatred for your siblings -- to what end?

Have you ever had a conversation with them regarding Mom's care, or do you expect them to just know what you'd like to see them do? Have they offered help in a form other than what you want (money, for example, rather than hands-on care)? Have you accepted that help?

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself what is the point of getting yourself this wound up. Is this hurting your siblings -- or yourself?

I think it's your LIFE you hate, not necessarily your siblings who have chosen not to involve themselves with caregiving.

Maybe it's time to rethink your role as an in-home caregiver to your 94 year old mother. It's not the 'only' option out there. What about Assisted Living? My 94 y/o mother has been in AL since 2014 b/c living with me (the only child) was never an option. I'm not interested in being a caregiver b/c I'm not cut out to do it; there are dozens of reasons why, and traveling is one of them. So I made it clear from the get-go that no elders would be moving in with me.

I don't feel 'guilty' for making that decision b/c my mother gets great care where she's at, something that would not happen in my home. She's wheelchair bound with dementia and her mobility problems alone are prohibitive to in home care; she's fallen 71x so far. Plus, she has socialization with other elders (she's in Memory Care now) and activities, etc. She has a life and I have a life, even though I manage her entire life from 4 miles away.

If you don't want to consider AL, consider sending her to AL for respite care every so often so you can travel or have a vacation of your own. Allow that resentment you have for your siblings to fade away a bit as you take back some of your OWN life which you have a right to do.

Wishing you the very best of luck figuring out how to be happy again; you deserve it!

Welllll.... I wouldn’t call it hate.... but, me and my husband left our home (500 miles away) ‘temporarily’ almost 2 years ago to help my mom care for dad who has dementia, and my brother and SIL live RIGHT NEXT DOOR to my mom and dad!! My brother’s excuse is that he’s an alcoholic and my SIL is a workaholic. They aren’t out traveling and having fun... but, they are RIGHT NEXT DOOR! I feel your frustration, but, I don’t hate them. I do have visions of grandeur that they will step up some day... but, I doubt it. ;)

This is a very common situation. I've been there myself. although it was managing mom's care vs having her in my home or me in hers. While she was still in her condo, it was still a lot to handle (1.5 hours each way.) Taking over the bills, etc wasn't so bad, but we took the car away, so someone had to ensure she had food and supplies. Tried to start aides to get her used to that, but it didn't last (she refused to let them in,) After moving her to MC, it took almost 2 years to get her condo clear, clean and repaired to sell it - MOST of that work I did or arranged work to be done. Multiple trips every week. YB working, almost never helped. OB isn't local, came up a few weeks here and there, but the bulk of it all was mine.

Was it a choice? Sure. Options were do it myself, or leave her hanging in the breeze. You can talk, ask, beg, plead, get angry or all of the above. It doesn't change anything. When I finally realized my anger was only impacting me, I knew I had to change that. It started with an email to each one. I'd leave it, come back and edit or update it and leave it again. To this day those email drafts sit in the folder. I realized that sending them wouldn't change anything. They weren't about to agree, and there was potential to make it worse. So, I just left all I had to get out in the emails and moved on.

While not lifting a hand to help or even offer is bad enough, there are others out there who take it to another level - sticking their noses in, complaining about the care you give, telling you what you do wrong, even threatening or taking legal steps, etc. That doesn't make what you are going through any better, but realize it could be worse.

With the exception of an email about mom's stroke and a few about distribution of the trust after she passed, I'd been NO contact with OB, due to his physical and verbal abuse the last time he was here (over 2.5 years before the contact, none since.) Few more legal issues to deal with, but no real need to contact him, so when all the ink is dry on the paperwork, I am DONE with him. YB isn't quite as bad, but without detailing everything that irks me, I will be done with him as well.

Putting all my anger into those emails was beneficial to me. It was like a catharsis. Occasional flare ups happen, but for the most part, the anger is gone. I did what needed to be done, and continue to do so to finish everything up, without their help or interference. Then, done. I can only hope someday they regret their choices, but that's for them. I can sleep with good conscience.

If you can get respite, go for it. Another option may be to hire some help. Depending on your state rules and mom's income, she may qualify for limited assistance through Medicaid. Any help is better than none! Do your best to try to lose the jealousy and anger - pour it out into a word document or something and then move on. Forget about them, just like they've forgotten about you and your mother! They aren't worth the time and effort, living in your head. Evict them.

Have you asked them to do a rotation where each commits to a weekend ever 4 to 5 weeks so you can have some freedom?
I actually had the same issue and asked my brother who lived out of state to help out. Of course he said he had to much to do to help. I was always exhausted. I am so bitter towards him. My Mom passed and now he is accusing me of stealing her money. I cannot stand him. And I am fine with feeling hate towards him.
Nobody knows how mentally and physically exhausting caregiving is. The best I could do was reach out to volunteer organizations and I hired help.

I was almost hesitant to reply to this post, but I decided to anyway because I really do get how you feel. I also have two siblings out of state a brother & a sister, and my mom is living near me, 200 feet away.

I felt like I was getting very little help and support from them and over the last year I started feeling so much resentment, I stopped speaking to them. It was really starting to turn into feelings of hate. I posted about my feelings of hate for them on this forum. Multiple times. My feelings were valid and so are yours.

Then several weeks ago I got word that my brother (who is in his early 50's) had stage 5 cancer and it was seriously looking like bucket list time. My sister called me sobbing how she she was so afraid of losing "us" and recalling how we all went through a terrible cancer journey with my dad when my dad was in his 50's. Something about that news and the prospect of my brother dying, my sister sobbing, and so many sibling memories came crashing down. The ones I had before our narc mother got dementia, and before the caregiving and resentment started. Suddenly it all just disappeared. We were clinging to each other now. It made me realize I never did "hate" them. I was just SO, so drained with my mother.

Now, my brother will be undergoing surgery and treatment, and thankfully his outcome is looking much better. We have vowed to start being there for each other more, and I now feel that I will be able to count on them.

It took a death scare to change my sibling situation. I obviously don't want any of your siblings to get health issues, I just want to give you some hope that there may still be a salvageable relationship there. Only you can decide, but it might be worth considering reaching out to them and letting them know that you could really use some support.

A good mantra that was helping me when I was caregiver and they had these suggestions is if you feel like it is important that it needs to be done then they should do it or shut up if they want to do it because it’s not important to me. Just say “you do it yourself if you want to say something or shutup” another one is “no” and tell them how their gifts causes more for you do and they should wait until they can bring it with themselves. A little communication helps. You need to get some travel in before you lose your mind. Does she need 24:7 attention? Try finding a local volunteer forum and post, call the local senior center ask for advice and when they will open activities. The senior place has volunteers that come and volunteer see if they can help by sending some of those volunteers

I've said it before and saying it again, care of one's parents often falls to one sibling. While you say you love caring for your mother, it does sound as if you are in burnout. I'm glad you've found respite care.

I agree you need to get all your wants and needs down on paper and ask to meet with siblings and sit down and have a calm discussion. If you need to write down all the hateful and acrimonious things your thinking - after you have burned it out tear it up and go with the needs and wants. It feel so good to marinate in our self righteousness and feeling sorry for ourselves for a little time then flush it out of our systems and get back on track. But know what their solutions may be, may not be yours. It's ok to disagree.

My SIL was our MIL's primary care giver - at some point she gave it to her sons and helped her husband out from time to time. We were lucky that the family was able to pull together and make decisions as a family. All 3 sons lived locally and they worked out a schedule. It was to the point where she shouldn't be living alone and we all worried. MIL went to a very nice AL place where she was well cared for to the end of her days. All her sons thought this was the happiest she had been since her husband died many years previously.

If you are feeling burned out - it may be time to reconsider the living arrangements. Please know there is no shame in placing your mother in a facility - it doesn't lessen your love for her and you will still be her caregiver. My mom's YS and husband had his mother in their house with 2 small children. The wise woman my aunt's MIL was told them that when she became to much to take care of to place her in a nursing home and have no guilt.

My parents moved into IL, then to AL when dad's health got worse, then dad had to move to SNF shortly before his death. My parents never wanted my brother or I to have to take daily care of them, for which I will be eternally grateful. It would not have worked out - family dynamics being what they are. I love my parents dearly, but living with them and my husband would be a great disaster. I'm mom's POA and was dad's prior to his death. I make sure bills are paid and before COVID accompanied them to dr appts; we'd go out to eat or I'd take mom to the mall. I make sure the facility is meeting mom's needs and since she doesn't believe in complaining -"because they will just treat her worse", I take the concerns to the director.

I'm not saying you need to place her in a facility, just consider the options open to you and your siblings. Please don't let what you currently feel to grow and fester. It would be a shame if this broke your relationship with your siblings where you have no contact after your mother dies.

You are a wonderful, caring daughter. Prayers to you and all your family.

Normal! However much you know what you are doing is worthwhile and you have chosen to do it, it is normal to feel some angst when siblings who are not helping tell you about holidays etc.
Try to get some help and do things for yourself to get the balance right.
Good luck! x

Yes I do too. I look after both my parents, dad has dementia & mum has attention issues. Neither of my sisters help, I even had Cancer last year, still getting over it & still they wouldn’t help them or me! I don’t feel like I am related to them sometimes because they are so similar in their selfish self serving ways & I'm not, I am a single mother though so according g to them I don’t have a life anyway!!
my sister fell down the stairs & broke 3 ribs 2 weeks ago & moved into my parents house as she said she needed looking after, obviously me having cancer didn’t & I have barely heard from my parents while she is there. It is like I have become defunct till my sister moves home again & I get to play daughter of the century again. Anyway rant over as nothing I can do about any if it

What do you want them to do from so many miles away? Whatever it is, have you asked or told them that? They won't know you are in distress unless you tell them or bring up the subject yourself.

My mother is the same age and I can't see why you can't go away on holiday with her. Perhaps not too far away, but we live in England and plan a trip to Greece in May. She's coming with us for the holiday.
I don't resent my siblings because their lifestyles cannot fit caring for someone 24/7. My one sister lives in Greece and the other works 12 hour shifts so it's impossible for them. I know they would help if they could. I can understand your frustration not having them offer, but perhaps you could ask them and see what they say?

I feel hatred for my brother's obscene callousness and haven't talked to my him in years. He globetrotted and bragged about it throughout my mom's last years and exploded at me that he was working 24/7 when I called him on it. 

So I won't join the pile-on of (well-meaning?) people here who say caregiving is a choice. Yes, you get so overwhelmed that you can't evaluate social services clearly, but the time, money and research you first have to put in never get shared in dysfunctional families. It's all "me first".

So let me be the first to blow the whistle at the pile-on here and say these "caregiving is a choice" types would be staring through bars in China where abandoning one's parents is a punishable crime. We're so tolerant of bad behavior here. Why is blaming the victim for caring and excusing the callous for not caring so common on AgingCare?

You are not a “selfish” brat ~ your feelings are understandable as caring for loved ones, even if you love doing it, takes a toll on the caregiver.

A family meeting may be something to consider as your siblings need to know your feelings and the amount of care your mom really requires. Maybe there is a solution at hand ~ spending part of their “vacation” with your mother ~ allowing you some respite time? Sometimes, people only understand dollars. You could ask that all children contribute to caregiving costs ~ whether they are payable to you or an outside provider. Since they are out of town, this may be the only way that they can really have an impact on your mothers care. They may not have a true picture of how much home care is needed to support your mother.

I would encourage you to resolve it sooner than later. Your mother will be requiring more care. If you do not feel more supported now, even if your siblings contribute later, your resentment will have grown and it potentially can be very painful. Seeing non-participants become involved at the very end can be very hard for a caregiver.

You are a sweet soul to lovingly care for your mother. Provide opportunity for your siblings to participate ~ have them brainstorm some ideas. You may be surprised at what they come up with once they know that their contributions would mean so much to your mother.

best wishes

My brother is the same, he has no concept of what my mother is going through. He also lives a distance away, but he doesn't even call. My situation is different then yours because my mom is in a long-term care facility. So I'm lucky that my contribution is visitation and spending valuable time. I can only imagine how mentally and physically taxing it can be on a caregiver, and how those feelings of resentment can creep up. But when all is said and done and your mother passes, you will have no regrets. You were there for her through the tough time and that says something about your character. You will not experience the "I wish" moments after someone is gone. Your siblings will.

In my opinion your siblings should be jealous of you. They should be so lucky to have the strength that is needed to be able to give up your own life to take care of someone you love. That sacrifice isn't easy, I respect you for that. It takes too much effort to hate, and to be honest you should feel sorry for them that they are missing that time with your mother. I'm not sure of your situation but maybe there is some external help you a can inquire about like a PSW to come in a couple hours a day to give you a break?

Try and let go of the hatred, it will only consume you. Try and find the humour in everyday.

I think feeling some envy and resentment is pretty normal. But when it crosses the line to hatred, something is out of balance. If your siblings are not local, they can't participate in your mother's daily care, but perhaps they could contribute financially for a week of respite care every couple of months so you can also enjoy yourself and get some refreshment. Please remember that your siblings can't understand thedemands of daily care since they don't experience it, and that their vacations and activities aren't about you. If you need help and there is some way they could provide it ftom where they are, it's probably best to think of what, specifically, you and your mother need, and ask for it. If it's something they could reasonably do, but refuse, that's another matter, but you may be surprised at how thi gs can improve for you if you ask.

Omg yes! Out of 4 daughters, I am the only one taking care of my father . My other sisters can’t be bothered. Just know YOU are doing the right thing. Your mother will know that too. I know that. I know it’s hard. I know the hatred. But you stepping up shows what your character is made of. Hang in there. I never understood how my siblings could not care. Shows their character. They will have to live with that after our parents are gone. Just take it day by day. I see you and hear you! And I’m very proud

Hello...understand your feelings. This situation can happen w siblings living in the same state. Have u asked either of them since they are traveling to visit mom so u can get break? Have u thought about Respite care for a week or 2 for mom so u can take a vacation?

I am a realist and pragmatic for the most part. I have 3 sisters who all live in distant states. I was dad's caregiver even though he lived in a facility all the way from IL, AL, to LTC. At times I would be so depressed and sick of it all that I would begin to resent my sisters for the fact that they could just live their lives as they pleased with none of the stress I was dealing with. Realistically I knew that was ridiculous because they lived in another state and weren’t here to help. Why shouldn’t they be living their lives? If the tables were turned, I would be living my life...that is what people do. Should I expect them to sit home? Of course not. What we resent is that our lives are being affected by the stress so we transpose it onto them.
The sister who lived closest was always on a trip somewhere exotic when dad would have a health crisis or when I had to empty out his AL apartment and move him to LTC etc. Finally I leveled with her and asked her to come visit more often and she did as she was also POA with me for health and finances. She would come every 6 weeks and that helped me a lot. We have a great relationship. I love my sisters but it is not their fault they lived elsewhere. Regardless the resentment can feel real and it’s best not to let it get the best of you. I began to see a therapist to discuss these feelings as well as the stress of caring for my dad. I would suggest a therapist and many of them do counseling over Zoom now. Hate eats up your heart and does bad things to our brain. Don’t let it. I hope you find someone to talk to and hopefully can have a heart to heart with your sisters.

I understand your dilemma. My 3rd sibling has at times washed his hands of helping out and we are not often in agreeable over it as he thinks they should have gone to LTC . It was and still does cause term oil between siblings but we are working on improving it . Everyone now has a role and it helps everyone .
I don’t think you are jealous . Every caretaker regardless of loving it or not needs reprieve or you land in burnout . Sounds like you found the idea of respite care but having said that over time it may not resolve the resentment that you are caring the load . Caregiving may not always be about loving every moment but rather a responsibility to care for family because family has each other’s back in a time of need . Our parents who sacrificed for us as kids , I believe deserve to be helped out by all of us not just the ones who love to do it .
I like to use the analogy of parenting . Realistically as the role of a parent to a child, did you “love” every moment ? I love my child unconditionally every moment , but it doesn’t mean that each parenting advent is going to be an easy or happy and May require a break so that you can be a better in your role . Caring for our own parents has many similarities . Physical Distance from siblings is just an excuse as far as I’m concerned . Now with technology and how the world is evolving everyone can participate in someway . Maybe one person takes over online banking for mom or places her online shopping orders for what she needs , they can do research on something that she requires . Maybe it’s regular FaceTime calls to give her companionship so for just a moment you have reprieve from your day. Maybe it’s helping you
with a task with your life so it free’s up time for you to physically care for your parent . There is a lot that can be done from behind the scenes to help out . You shouldn’t feel like
your going it alone . Your parent
was a parent to all of you, not just you . They can find a way to help even if it’s not in person . I wish you and your family all the best and lots of peace . Don’t be so hard on yourself , your doing a great job .

Hello Forgotten,

I lived through that 20 years ago. And now one of those sisters is entering hospice. And the other sister is a raging alcoholic. I am living a beautiful , peaceful, and balanced life knowing that I took good care of my mother and carried out her wishes too. My sisters even denied me their love and interaction for many years. And this week, I am on my way to visit the one who is now entering hospice. And I am praying for her everyday; sending caring and sincere cards and texts and e mails of encouragement daily. It is never what anyone else does that is important...It is wonderful when they did help..even as much as they could. Resentment will only eat your soul. It is an insidious evil ploy that is based on empty manipulation. Keep your sight , your inner sight on God.
Love your mother deeply and do for her out of the pure goodness of your heart. You will Never regret it ! You are creating memories that you will remember for the rest of your life. Treasure every moment...they go fast! Take photos, play music for her, create lovely meals with flowers on the table...treat her as you would want to be treated ...and tell her you love her often. Please, don't let your energy be drained out of these final days. That would be sad ...for your mother and you. Your mother feels your love! And she needs it. She gave it to you ...and God calls us to Honor our mothers and fathers. Your siblings will deal with their own shame and guilt throughout their lives. You will Know that you loved deeply and fully and generously.

Wow, I am in the same situation right now where I am looking after my MIL while working with some help from my husband. She has Alzheimer's/Dementia so she needs help with everything (bathing, eating, dressing, walking etc...) My sister in-law dropped her off 2 day's after my FIL passed away at our house and washed her hands of the situation. She has gone back to her comfortable life, does not call, ask how she is, help etc..... She came back to town for a week to pick up items from her parents house and did not even want to see her mother. I had a meeting with her to discuss care and ask that she take her mother for 6 weeks this summer so that I can have a break and get organized at the house for her return back to us full time. She described how difficult that would be for her (she is retired and not working) and basically said NO. This is her own mother and I am the daughter in-law, I can't believe someone would act like this. We have zero help and are on 24/7 and I am fearful of losing my job because of the attention during the day that I have to give my MIL - HELP

You may also look into Adult Day Cares. That could give you 1 or 2 days a week to take care of your self.