Does anyone else feel hatred toward your siblings who are free from providing care for your parents?

Instead of just being angry at him for his lack of involvement, my sister and I told our brother what we needed. Some very specific clean-out tasks . Yeah, that didn't work either.

The whole reason I went searching and thankfully found this website was because of the resentment I was feeling toward my sister. I moved my mom in with me last summer but the resentment had started a few years before and stems from taking care of mom. My sister's life went on as normal as if mom didn't need more care/attention. She traveled out of the country for weeks at a time without worrying about who was going tend to mom. If I even thought about going somewhere for a whole weekend, I made sure someone checked on mom. I never resented her living her life. I just wanted her to acknowledge that she had an elderly mother that was in need of more attention and step in more often.
Now mom is living with me...and she is high maintenance for many reasons other than being 95. She has lots of "needs"- a new mattress, a new wheelchair (she has 2 ), a new chair, ( it just needed the screws tightened) new shoes ( she has a closet full), more paint supplies (she has a roomful), and the list goes on. When I suggest that my sister help her with some of these "needs" she says no
that she wants me to do it.
So I feel resentment towards both my mother and my sister. However this sight has helped me learn to look at things through different lenses. Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I am learning to not sweat the small stuff, take one day at a time, to make mom's life as pleasant as possible, and to find simple things that make me happy and spend time doing them.
Focus on what you can do to make this journey easier for you. Focusing on the resentment (which I have done) only makes our lives more difficult. There will be an end to the caregiving and you don't want any regrets.

Take care and know you are not alone in this journey. God sees you and knows.

Don't add another layer of self-doubt or self-reprimanding. You have enough on your plate. The short answer: YOU are human with the gamut of human emotion(s). I believe what you identify as JEALOUS is likely feelings of OVERWHELM, STRESS - and more.

Remember, hatred is an emotion that will cause YOU to suffer, not them.
It will support YOU to identify how you actually feel deeper inside. It is amazing that when we do this, feelings change. It is TOTALLY a selfish act to forgive another as the benefits are totally healing for YOU, the forgiver.

* Deeper than feeling jealousy, you need to find a release and support for yourself by enlisting an/other/s to care for your mom.
* Since they live out-of-state, ask them to help out financially to employ caregiver support for you/r mother.
* When you hear this 'inner self-sabotaging (evil, selfish brat) - S-T-O-P and reframe your thoughts. "I am stressed out. I want to go out for a nice dinner and relax. I need time out for me."
* If you practice self kindness, it translates into self-healing and will give you room to feel more positive energy, have more energy.
* You need to enlist your siblings to support you - talk to them ASAP.
* Learn to love yourself and do nice things, like buy flowers to remind yourself of the beauty in the world . . . the beauty INSIDE you for doing what you are doing.
* IF your sibling do not thank you and express appreciation for all that you are doing, TELL THEM. I need . . . (acknowledgment, support, appreciation).
Gena.

I feel sad for a few of my siblings. They are missing out on spending time with our Mom. I don't get mad at them for not being present in her life or not pitching in. Just sadness for my Mom and them. When she does pass on, they will probably feel guilty and wish they had made the effort to see her. What they don't understand is, My Mom lives in the moment now. In those moments, there are lots of great memories with her. I cherish those. I am making videos ,taking pics to capture all I can. I even capture her melt downs.

I’m getting a little annoyed by all of the finger-pointing in these responses. The primary message appears to be that it’s “her choice” to be resentful and overburdened and how SHE needs to change as opposed to her siblings. While reframing the situation psychologically would help, it does not dismiss her justified feelings of resentment. I’ve taken care of my mother both physically and financially for over 30 years. This has been a HUGE sacrifice for me financially, personally and professionally. I long ago came to peace with my circumstances and feel only love for my often difficult, less-than-perfect mother, but when she dies, I will never speak to my brother again. He is gainfully employed, lives in the same city as me, and only shows up for holidays. He calls my mom about four times a year, feigns occasional concern for her, but has never given me one penny of assistance (and certainly no physical assistance) in all of those 30 years. I’m friendly with him, but ONLY for my mother’s sake. When she dies, he will be dead to me as well. Harsh, I know - but the next chapter in my life, whenever it comes, will not include anyone who exploits me for their benefit.

Out of my three sisters-- one could do about 20 to 25%,,, but no more due to her demanding job. The other two were far away with their own problems-- both financial and parental as well-- so they could do nothing except come at Christmas and in the summer. Mom did get to see them and recognized them even though she was in severe dmentia decline-- in 2019 she died. In Oct 2020 Mom was allowed to be buried next to her husband in Arlington National Cemetery--- only one sister could attend the ceremony due to Covid-- the other two sisters and my daughter have asthma. So the ordeal is behind us all as a family. I killed myself dealing with it all. But as a Christian I did my duty since I am the oldest and most mature. So if I were you-- I'd let it all slide off my back like a duck in water. OR you can let the unforgiven-ness basically make you sick and yes bitterness can develop into cancer-- your choice. Choose well.
Jesus said-- Forgive them-- they know not what they do-- and most do not since they are not there-- and are not seeing the day to day. But you are. Thank GOD for you. I consider myself the luckier and most blessed since I got to see Mom the day she died. And I was the last to touch her warm head as it got cold.

While I understand your justified frustration, I am going to offer another perspective.

My sister was/is dealing with the dead-beat dad of her daughter. When she was discussing her anger with her therapist, the therapist observed that my sister uses that anger as a source of much needed energy.

I know I was cussing my useless BIL up and down as I mowed his parent’s yard when he, once again, “forgot” to do it as he said he would. And, yes, that anger did give me energy to push the mower around the yard.

The down side is the anger lasted longer than the yard work. and that hurt me in the long run.

I hope that you are able to find ways to get help in caring for your mom that aren’t your siblings.

Not to worry you’re not alone!

You know what , get over it and ask God to walk this path with you . He'll stay with you . Believe it . I'm in almost the same situation with my husband . He's 93 and I'm 83 . He has a daughter who is a medical doctor and he has two sons both professional guys. They have NEVER asked to watch him, care for him if I need to go out , help him get in the tube, clean his bottom when he soils his underpants,, cut his hair etc. Sometimes I just cry but I never forget my God who sits high and looks low. But you know what whenever they do call I play it off and just say ,Oh he's fine, and I do this and I do that, I never let them know i have a hard time . They know what Alzheimer's is they have discussed it with the doctors when he first began to develop it. But when he passes, they are the ones who will suffer because they will realize how much love they missed spending time with a WWIl Vet ,a Hall of Famer football player , ,a loved Christian person who raised his children when their mother was a drug addict . They are missing out so much because they like to party and impress people . YOU HANG IN THERE GIRL You're stronger then you think . God doesn't leave his children . You'll be blessed for taking care of God' child . You'll see. Blessings and Peace be unto you.
Signed : Walking In Your Shores .

My god, you are not evil - you are an angel, a saint. They are the evil, selfish ones and to me you have every reason and right to resent and hate them for the way they are and their refusal to help. I would disown them if they did not get involved to help. They are very cruel and just don't care. Can you have it out with them to try to establish some new ground rules for help? If not, I would just cut the ties - they are simply not worth it. Just because of who they are does not mean they must be in your life. You do what YOU feel is best for you and what you want to do and don't let anyone take advantage of you.

I have the same situation, but my mom is in a retirement complex with full service and a visiting nurse and my mom has additional home care plus me, she has Alzheimer’s. I still work but I see her 4 days and oversee everything. We sold my moms condo and that is what is paying for this. My sisters do nothing, haven’t talked to my mom in years, yes my mom was extremely selfish when we were growing up, so my sisters say this is the reason they feel they don’t have to help, nether are married or have children, I am and do have a daughter, in fact she is the only grandchild. So my revenge? Trust me, I’ve had a long time to think this through, here’s what I did. When moms stuff went into storage, and we moved her onto a lovely one bedroom, filled with her favorites that would fit safely and give her a sense of still having a lovely home, because her day to day cognitive disappears at an alarming rate, anyway she had a townhouse filled to the brim, after moving mom in , what was left I gave my daughter first choice of furniture , linens and whatever we deemed mom would never miss, which she has not asked about anything I have gotten rid of. The rest of the stuff? I’ve sold on Facebook and I’ve put the money aside so when mom passes, I’m taking a wonderful vacation, with my husband who has tirelessly worked beside me, calling moms creditors, (she had so many missed bills including HOA bills,) trying to reduce the interest so we could clear her name. My sisters have actually not seem my mom in over 20 years, zero effort. I got POA when we suspected my mom was ill and as far as my sisters are concerned, if they ask where the antiques and furniture have gone to, I will just smile and say, “you didn’t care 20 years ago, why should you care now.” Doing the right thing to me is far more important, yes my mom was selfish, but she’s my mom. You need to ASK your siblings for help, they are using you! Tell them you are exhausted, it’s why I moved my mom to a full service apartment with care, I was exhausted. The money may all dry up and I won’t see a penny of inheritance but I got her diamonds, and I know mom is taken care of and safe, so I can still work a job I really like.

Definitely - with the irony being that they have always been and continue to be the ones my mother showers with love and gifts, unlike me. In my case, I also finally see that they always treated me badly too, despite my years of free baby sitting, house sitting, pet feeding walking whilst they were on vacation, yard work etc etc etc. I just don't like them as people. They are dishonest, greedy and unempathetic. I finally see that reflects on my mother and them, not me.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You deserve to be appreciated and to be given a break if they are able to do so.

I am sitting here crying so much because I know how Forgotten2 feels. I’m actually feeling it right now and have been feeling it since 2016. Both of my parents have dementia. And I have a small family. I have a brother and sister in law. I have a daughter that lives out of state. I am overwhelmed and yes I am growing more and more resentful of my brother and sister in law. I feel in a family that “knows what’s going on” because I tell them...I should not have to repeatedly keep telling them help is needed. It has been 3 months and my brother doesn’t even speak to me anymore and I have no idea why. Sometimes I feel this is just his way of NOT helping by putting up this fictitious wall so that I can’t say anything. And I feel my feelings are valid as far as resentment. To make matters worse, they live closer to our parents than I do. I have tried to make some changes on my behalf by having someone come into the home to help but this is really expensive but me and my parents are doing it. They begged me to please not put them in assisted living or a nursing home. It’s just hard, and I’m tired and overwhelmed. So Forgotten2, it’s okay to feel what you feel. I truly understand. I bet you when your siblings were growing up your mother was there for them, right. And I bet that was a decision she made because they were her children and that’s what good parents do. I guess it didn’t rub off on them. Praying for you and all of us whose there and been there. Bless you.

I would not call it hatred, but I do resent that my siblings are not taking their responsibility to take care of their parent. Their selfishness is apparently not just no concern for their mother, but also no concern for me. I try to focus on the fact that it is clearly right to care for my parent. So get satisfaction from knowing I will have no regrets. I also am setting an example for my children on how to care for me. I try to just forgive my siblings and know that my record of how I lived is mine and theirs is theirs. I’d rather be me, with no regrets.

I totally don't think you are wrong for your feelings. I do agree that you should consider, AL, respite AND asking your siblings to give you breaks every few months. If they won't do that, then you are more than entitled to hate them.
My sibling lives out of state and previously agreed to spell me for 3 or 4 weeks each winter and summer so I can have a vacation with my husband and see my children and grandchildren who also live out of state. Yet nearly every time I want to get away my sib has an excuse why they can't come. Needless to say, I understand how you feel. Even our father says my sibling is selfish and self centered, so it's not just me.
You must take care of yourself and you deserve a life. I have now hired a care company to be back up to my dad when I am gone. Dad is happy to pay. He knows he can rely on them to run errands and keep him company in his ALF way beyond what staff can do. It gives me piece of mind. The only thing that would be better would be to send the bill to my sibling. If your siblings won't help and your mom cannot afford to pay, tell your sibs they can show up or pay up...but they cannot get off Scott free. You need to set limits on your siblings and your caregiving.

Dear forgotten, with me it is just the opposite. i wanted to move in with our aging father to provide care for him for the rest of his life, or for the rest of mine. he is 94 and i am 71. however, my 5 siblings refused to allow this to happen and voted to place him in a personal care home. i believe the reason they wanted to do this is because they did not want to take their turns and they did not want ME to willingly do something that they were unable or unwilling to do for their own reasons. i believe they were jealous and competitive. i still am harboring feelings of hatred, anger, resentment and frustration toward them for not allowing me to do something that they were unwilling to do. These feelings are subsiding as time passes and as i see my father doing well in personal care home. You might call a family gathering and discuss your feelings with a purpose of developing a plan with equal responsibilities, such as parent staying with the others for periods of time, if your situation allows you to do this. maybe with multiple minds together you can come up with a better solutiion.

Forgotten2, I did read a lot of the comments here, but there are so many, I couldn't take the time to read all of them. One thing I usually don't see is the practical advice about getting paid for the time you spend. I am my mother's main caregiver, POA, and my older sister helps, but cannot put in as many hours as I do. Mom has money in the bank. I drew up a contract with mom, she signed it, and it is legal. We fill out timesheets, and get paid an hourly rate just like if there was a caregiver from an agency coming in. If she lives long enough so the money runs out, and Medicaid has to take over, Medicaid will also pay you to do this. You will have to claim this on your taxes and pay the tax rate, but let me tell you this: It takes the sting out of being tied down. Already, one of my deadbeat sisters is mad about us getting mom's money, but my stepdad made it very clear that the money was to take care of mom after he was gone. I know there will be a lot of slandering after she is gone, but those relationships are already bad, so boo hoo. If the time comes where I need to get away, I know that Medicaid also will pay for respite care for the main caregiver. This arrangement has helped my husband I financially, a lot, and mom is well cared for. I even crafted the timesheet my sister and I use and an attorney said it was just fine. PLEASE check into this for your own sake. You have said nothing about an estate, but your siblings don't deserve an equal amount. Start getting paid and see if their position changes.

Hate is a strong word. However, I would never say your feelings aren't justified--they certainly are. My brother and his wife took off for Disney world last November while my sister and I were traveling between NY, MA, and VA in order to get our parents' house packed up so they could move. We have another brother that lives in Seattle and has conveniently used Covid as an excuse not to lift a finger for the past year. He sends pictures via text message constantly of views around Seattle and his dog. He has no clue what the rest of us have dealt with since Sept. I am really getting sick of it.

Our dad has Parkinsons and fell 2x last summer which ended up in him being hospitalized. Our mother had breat cancer and pancreatic cancer 10 yrs ago and she has arthritis in her knees which affects her mobility. She has also suffered heart problems from the effects of the chemo she received when she had cancer. She just recently had to have a procedure bc she was experiencing shortness of breath.

So we were already concerned about the two of them living in a large 4 bedroom colonial and going up and down stairs. The decision had been made that our parents should move to a condo with caregivers. However, before that plan could be put into action all hell broke lose.

Our mother fell and broke her hip in Sept. She had been caring for our dad who has advanced Parkinsons. This spearheaded moving our dad to memory care and our mother to AL after having caregivers coming to the house to care for our dad while our mom was in the hospital. (Horrible situation) My mother just recently moved into AL. Our father went into memory care at the beginning of Nov. They are in the same facilitiy but in different apartments. I have to be honest, though, and admit that some of these problems my parents brought upon themselves. I am annoyed by that as well. They knew my dad had Parkinsons 10 years ago--they could have made lifestyle changes well before now--my brother that went to Disney and I tried to get them to see the light several years ago, but they dug in their heels.

I really wish they would have moved several years ago and closer to me and my sister in MA. My mother's sisters and their spouses and children all live in RI. We were a military family so that is how we ended up all scattered. But if my parents would have moved back up neareret to my sister there would be entire support network we could put in place. As it is, they are in
VA and only my brother who went to Disney lives down there. He has not been over to see our dad once since he went to memory care. I live in NY and I have been there more than he has. I was thinking today I guess I will have to plan on going down there at least every other month to visit.

I work in an elementary school in NY and I went down to VA in Oct and then had to quarantine upon my return before I could go back to work. I went back down again in Nov and then again in Jan. I did not quarantine then bc VA was removed from the NY do not travel list. I don't feel hatred but do I feel very annoyed. I wish people would step up and help out more.

Forgotten2: Imho, your siblings will not change and it certainly is extremely difficult for you to hear about their life experiences of entertainment. However, acrimony will consume you, else you think on it. You are a STELLAR caregiver to your mother and you can hold your head high.

You may believe you "love doing for her...", but at some level you are also resentful. Now don't let that be a really bad thing. It is fairly normal. You have siblings who do nothing - that not only hurts, it is somehow mystifying. I know for years I would ask myself, why is it only me that see Mom Needs help. They are so selfish and hateful. But in reality, they just were not "capable" of handling the necessities she needed. They couldn't see (And at another level didn't want to see) that I could have used some help. Don't let this consume you, be proud that you are there for your mother. On a level we can never really understand ourselves, mom knows what is going on.

And on a more selfish note: your siblings, like mine, will have to live the rest of their lives with the knowledge that they never offered any real help while Mom was alive - and believe me they will feel it. Blessings and joy for what time you have left with your Mother, Remember and cherish it.

You're not alone...I'm sorry and wish I could offer more support but I'm trapped in a similar situation and it's killing me. Just remember, this is temporary.

To care for another is one of the highest callings in life and when done wth love and thoughtfulness is rewarded in heaven. Yes, it is a huge responsibility, which is why the reward afterwards is so great. Traveling and having fun earns no "points" in the afterlife. Your love and commitment is amazing to me and I can picture just giving you a hug as thanks for what you are doing, even though we are strangers to one another.

As others have pointed out, "hate" is not an avenue to follow. Let them diddle away their lives on self indulgent things. What you are doing is important, what they are doing is not. Stay focused and thoughtful in your care and may you have the strength and mental stamina to handle it well!

Dear Forgotten2,
I’m so happy you posted the “hate” word as I have the exact same feelings toward my sole surviving brother, his wife, and my late siblings’ children.
I’m fortunate to have moved my mom with Alzheimer’s to Assisted Living near me. My husband is a huge help to me. I manage all my moms medical, financial, and every other need and concern.
My family members have not even called me in the 3 1/2 years she’s been near me in Assisted Living. I’m so hurt and disappointed that they can’t even call to ask how I am and how my mom is. All I’d like is some acknowledgement to my existence and appreciation for my efforts.
The anger and resentment I feel towards them is eating me alive and definitely not good for my health.
I appreciate the comments that advise to focus on yourself and to try to find ways to make your life more enjoyable and to forget about them.
It isn’t easy. People say having gratitude helps. I’m grateful to my husband and to the Assisted Living staff for all the help and support they provide.
Funny thing is that my family probably learned their self-centeredness from my mom, who was always a raging narcissist. She modeled that behavior.
The 2 siblings I had, with a slight sense of concern for others have since died. The sole remaining sibling I have is too stunted to have any initiative or compassion.
I also hope to find a way to let go of the negative feelings of hatred and resentment.
I’m glad you shared your feelings here. I hope you’re able to get some respite to better be able to care for yourself.
You are not forgotten. I am thinking of you and send you healing love and compassion. I also recognize and acknowledge all the hard work you’re doing to care for your mom.
Here’s to us both finding some healing peace in our hearts.

Yes. All the time.

The reality is if they’re washing their hands of Mom’s care, that’s on them. If you want to hate them, sever ties or feel anger - do it and don’t feel badly about it. Caregiving is so hard and you want to feel like you can count on your family - even a little. So when you can’t, that really hurts. Don’t add a topping of guilt on everything else you have to do. I’m sure you feel good taking care of Mom, but you also miss living your life and pursuing your interests. All totally reasonable and normal feelings.

Since placing her doesn’t seem to be an option for you, at least look into getting some respite care maybe once or twice a week. You need to remember yourself and take care of you too. It’s hard and I can hear “great, one more thing I have to do”, but if you can manage it, that will really help. The care worker won’t just be sitting there, she/he will be giving you space to have some “you” time.

Don’t wait until your Mom passes before you reclaim some of your life back. You absolutely deserve to enjoy your life too.

Much support to you!

I also was a solo caregiver for my mother because my sister lives out of state. I did feel some resentment and to add on I felt guilty for feeling that way. It's like being caught in the middle and there's just no other way but through it. I made the mistake though of not letting her and other people know how scared, stressed, etc. I was. There are so many emotions all n none when one goes through this stuff.

Hate is a very strong word. I’m in the same boat. My siblings tell mom how nice of a dinner they had at a restaurant 20 minutes from us but never pick her up and take her. On my father’s death bed he said that he would take good care of mom. He lives 30 minutes away and only comes every once in a while for Sunday breakfast and fires his gun. I have pictures of everyone at breakfast on their cell phones. Resentful yes . Hate no they don’t have a clue.

Like on a plane remember to put your air mask on before you help others!

I know how you feel! As the oldest of 3 I have always been the closest to our parents; been there for all surgeries, doctor appointments but also wonderful times as well. My brother and sister live in Alaska; we’re in Ohio. They have rarely participated over the years but now they want to be added as co-POA’s because they don’t trust me. My husband have given so, so much over the years. We even moved from and hour away to 2 blocks away from my dad after my mom died in 2018.
I was assigned POA by my mom and dad and my husband and I have compassionately given my dad care and kept him, with the help of caregivers, in his home.
My sibs are making my life hell.

Yes, I resent my siblings moving on in life while all mom’ s care falls on me. When they say, “I love you”, I don’t think that they even know what it truly means. How can you watch someone struggling but go on in life as if it’s not your problem?? This is a season that I’m going through. One day, mom will pass away and I’ll move on in life. My siblings may get to face similar seasons as they get older. I can’t say that I’d drop everything to run to help them.

Hi, I know exactly how you feel becuase I feel the same way and the people I feel this toward aren't even my own siblings -- they are my brothers-in-law and sister-in -law who lives in Florida. Since my mother-in-law's recent decline, I have basically taken over all medical, shopping and living situation issues for my mother-in-law because my husband drives for work and I am currently working from home. All of them act as if I don't have a full-time job!! The two brother-in-law both live in the same state but do nothing. I will say one pays her cell phone bill. Neither of them drive due to drunk driving conditions and that is their out. It is not my problem that they lost their licenses and failed to get them back. The last straw was last weekend when I managed to decline a cousins' lunch with my mother-in-law. However, as I was enjoying my day, my husband called me because everyone had too much to drink and asked me to drive his mother and his brother home. After all I have done for her, my mother-in-law launched into obnoxious conversation to me about all sorts of things. My brother-in-law implored her to stop talking but she wouldn't. I dropped them both off at her apartment and haven't spoken to either since. I'm done.