Doctor says father who lives with us can no longer live alone. What can we do when my sister is threatening to sue if he’s put into a home?

The OP has not come back to answer questions.

You need to have somebody with your father all the time. You need to make sure he gets 3 meals a day and has access to healthy snacks and drinks throughout the day. He needs somebody to keep his areas of the home (and him) clean. He needs somebody to keep him from wandering off and getting lost. He needs regular screenings for his health by a doctor and dentist. He needs somebody to give him his prescribed medications. If you can accomplish these things, you are doing everything that a residential facility would be doing.

Unless I overlooked something, poster BMartinez has not returned to look at the answers posted to the thread he/she started and answer the questions posed.

Send him to live at her house.
Seriously, she needs to have a sit down with you to discuss the end of wants and the beginning of needs, beginning with safety. I am impressed he got himself an Uber. We are so thankful my mom never touched a computer ever and couldn't handle a cell phone.

Send him to her House forever .

If your sister is unwilling to take responsibility for your father, then tell her “bye girl” and do what you need to do that is in his best interest.

I reread to see why I came to thinking sister was trying to keep Dad out of a facility. It is a bit confusing.

OP states " He currently lives with us". I took that as OP recently took Dad in, until OP placed him in a facility , because the doctor said he can't live alone.

OP states , He was recently lost taking an Uber..... "He's also eating spoiled food so the doctor says he can no longer live alone." This would make more sense if it read "He was also eating spoiled food so the doctor says he can no longer live alone. "
It's possible auto correct changed " He was" to "He's". I have had that happen frequently.

When it was suggested in an answer , that sister take care of Dad.......OP replied with ...."Exactly what I told her, but she conveniently refuses to take him. Yes unfortunately she does have the money to sue. I am poa and feel it’s time for a home. I’m guessing I need to get this in writing from the doctor "

I could be wrong but this made me think sis did not want him in a home, ( possibly to preserve inheritance).

I wasn't seeing the possibility that My2cents saw. But it is confusing, so it could be . More details from OP would help.

My posts about money just below are a reinforcement that we don’t always get the full story.

Silly threat from a silly sister. Ignore her. Your sister needs a hobby. She has more time on her hands than she has sense.

You are your father's POA. It is your decision and yours alone as to whether or not his home is with you or in a lovely facility.

BMartinez: You should suggest that your sister don the caregiving hat.

My2cents has raised an interesting point I certainly didn’t see before. Perhaps Dad financed OP’s house on the basis that they would care for him and NOT see him go into care. Now they have the house and they are still sending him into care. If the house finance effectively came off sister’s inheritance hopes, I can certainly see why she is feeling litigious! And why OP has skipped over the back-story. Not quite so stupid!

Get Dad evaluated for placement through Adult Protective Services (please don't clean up the evidence before they come). Their document will be evidence to present in court if sister goes the limit. If you are the person in charge (POA), get him placed ASAP. Seek the advice and wisdom of an Elder Law Attorney who can tell you how Dad will pay for services and call the VA if dad was in military service. You cannot live in denial and help Dad live safely.

FAMILY....FAMILY.....FAMILY we love um, until everyone has to take care of a parent. It is hard, we all have been there if you have sibblings. We all went out to dinner one night and hashed out what we wanted for mom. And even with that mom has lived with all 3 of us at some time. And she went to three Assisted Living places and is now in a Memory Care Facility. I can honestly tell you it is never perfect. All our lives have interruptions and situations that need our attention on top of taking care of our parents.
Take a deep breath. What is it YOU need help with to take care of dad. What does your sister want. Put it all down on paper. Look at the costs to do this. REMEMBER you both need to remain the loving daughters to him, and get help to do the things that a caretaker can do. It is a long road. The two of you need to support each other more now than ever. There are more decisions ahead that will get harder. Do this together!!!

There may be another solution. How did he get the spoiled food??
If there's a solution for that, put it in effect. If it came from trash, lock the trash can. If he's storing food in his room. Check his room daily. In the refrigerator?
At any rate, you might be able to put measures in place for his safety. Sitter for dad? Air tag in his shoes?
If you desire, Dad my be able to stay with you, with intervention.
Best wishes,
Chickie

I'm curious as to how dad is living alone if he is living with you? I'm confused. That's not living alone.

Also, how did dad get spoiled food? Surely you don't keep spoiled food on hand, so I ask -- Is he hiding food in his room?

I'm not sure your sister could find a lawyer that would take this lawsuit. I suspect any lawyer she went to would advise that some reasonable conversations need to occur before legal steps are taken.

Assuming you and others in your household work away from home or not with him during the day for other reasons. I have to ask - did dad use his money to pay for part or all of the home you share with him? Could that be reason sister would want to sue? If that's the case, you might need to refi home under only your name and give dad back some/all of what he invested so his money follows him. Otherwise, you might need to say what the basis is for suing you if he can't live there. We really would need to understand the entire situation to see her perspective as well as yours. The threat of suit kind of raises a flag to me that something else is going on here and not mentioned with the question.

If there's no money involved and sister just trying to make you keep him in your home, his condition states other needs that you can't or won't accommodate any longer. If sister can be with him all day, she could come to your house and sit with him or move him to her house. If no one can keep eyes on him all the time, he needs facility care for his own safety.

1. Be certain who is the assigned POA ? POA for medical, legal and financial decisions?
2. Speak with an Elder Law Attorney about the situation and family dynamics. An initial consult should be perhaps gratis. And, though there may be fee involved, it may save you financially, and in many other ways.
3. This is about the " safety" of an aging person diagnosed with dementia and, from his PCP orders that " he not live alone". You may in fact need a lawyer to set straight your sister or anyone else fighting the father's potential placement in a facility .
4. You may benefit from having a Geriatric Case Manager ( usually an licensed social worker) assigned to your father to help you also navigate his needs, options for safety and care based on PCP " assessment of level of care needs".

5. Practice good self care for your own well being.

It's incredible how many people here are telling you to drop him off at your sister's house and wash your hands of him. It's almost surprising that people haven't suggested you take him behind the barn and shoot him!

There is always a solution if you take the emotional idiocy out of the conversation and get to "what's so" about the situation. It sounds to me like Dad needs more care than you are able to provide. Packing him up and sending him out to pasture may not be the best solution, and maybe that is why your sister has gone whack on you.

I want to propose something radical. Ready???

Sit your sister down and ask her, "What do you think dad needs?" Then, listen intently and let her express herself. Offer to have a brainstorming (not brainwashing) session with her. There might be lots of better alternatives, for example:

Adult daycare.
Part-time/full-time in-home Caregiver.
Live-in Caregiver.
Help from your church or religious community.
Weekends at Sis' house.
Frequent and scheduled visits with family.
Asking Dad what he wants (dementia and brain dead are not the same thing).
And maybe 20 other ideas you, your sister, or the compassionate people in this community could offer.

Or maybe, after additional consideration, your sister may agree with you...

I hope that made a difference. If it didn't, you will hate the next paragraph...

Consider that people don't get upset about things they DO NOT care about. (I am not upset about the recent anchovy shortage because I don't like anchovies.) Consider your sister is upset because she loves and cares about your father (and probably you too). If you can acknowledge her for her love and care, maybe the two of you can form a partnership that works for you, her, and OMG, maybe even your dad!

I'd love to hear your thoughts and your results...

BRAD

Like others have already mentioned, there are simply no legal grounds on which to sue for an incapacitated elder being placed in a proper, licensed care home. There are no legal grounds on which to force a specific person, even an immediate relative, to personally be a caregiver for an incapacitated elder who cannot live alone.

Someone could potentially be sued for NOT providing proper care, whether it's in a private residence or a nursing home, but the act of placing someone in a licensed nursing home cannot be grounds for proving damages. Especially since you would have met the burden of your responsibility by doing so....

My guess is that she wants you to continue to care for him so that her inheritance isn’t eaten up with memory care. Tough beans. Shut her down. Give her two options. 1-she takes dad to her home to care for him full time and if you find out she is leaving him alone against doctor’s orders, you will call APS. 2- she comes to your home to care for him all day long while you are at work. When she says she can’t do either you say, well neither can I and maybe now you see why. If she still says she will sue tell her to bring it on, but before she does ask her if she wants to bankrupt herself in the process because attorneys are expensive and WHEN she loses, not IF but WHEN as no judge is going to rule in her favor, you will then counter sue her for your own legal fees. She will end up broke and your father will still be in a care facility. She will have won nothing and lost much. Including her sister.

Ask your sister if she can come up with a better alternative (taking over his care, paying home caregivers…can’t think of any others) and if she can’t so be it. As POA (including MPOA I hope) you don’t even have to do this but I think it would be better to let her shut herself down than possibly deal with a blindly enraged sister with the money for frivolous law suits. I can’t imagine how she would win anyway but she might be able to make your life more miserable with filings and threats. You are doing the rite thing, seeing to it he is safe and well cared for.

Tell Sis to put it where the sun don’t shine. Better yet, go grey rock on her. Don’t involve her in anything and proceed to do what’s best for your father and yourself.
You can safely ignore her threat. She’d just be wasting her money, even if she can find a lawyer to take her BS case. IF she has any sort of grounds for a suit (hint: she doesn’t) a judge would throw her out of the courtroom on her ear.

I don't understand who your sister is going to sue....and for what? You state that he lives with you, but you must be leaving him alone to go to work??? He can't be left alone if he has dementia. Being alone in your home is just as unsafe as being alone in his home. So one of two things has to happen...either you always have someone with him (hired in home care while you are away) and if that is not possible, then he needs placed in memory care so that he is safe 24/7. If your sister doesn't like either of those options, she can take him in and deal with it herself. I love it when the people who aren't providing the care or taking on the responsibility have a very loud opinion....

Who has POA? Are you planning on taking him into your home or moving him to a MC unit or just hiring caregivers for him at his residence? Who is paying for it?

Before your Dad gets worse, make sure all his paperwork is in order, especially the POAs, POLST, Medical Directives, bank accounts, investment accounts. If you were planning on moving him to an MC unit, make sure he is up-to-date on his vaccinations and any other things that have to be done before he can be moved into managed care.

I suspect your sister is going whacky because she has heard all the horrible stories of managed care, and she sees her inheritance being used to pay for this care. On the more civil side, she might be going whacky because she isn't aware of how bad off your Dad is.

Find out who has POA, and if it is you, then do what you think is best for your Dad (however, do NOT take him into your home, even if it is temporary.)

...and .... enlist the aid of an elder attorney, especially if you think you will have to sell his residence in order to pay for his care. If your sister and you have reasonably good relations, other than this bump, then I suggest that you invite her to the discussions with the attorney.

If your Dad is unprepared or just a little prepared for all of this, the "fun" is just beginning.

Who is POA?
If you are the one that is legally responsible for his safety then you can do what you have to do in order to keep him safe.
If no one is POA then you may have to obtain Guardianship.
If your sister fights this and she petitions for Guardianship the Court will want to know that he will be taken care of and will be safe. If your sister agrees to take him into her home and care for him then caring for him becomes her responsibility.
If she can not care for him and you can no longer SAFELY care for him then placing him in a facility that will meet his level of care needs is the only safe option.
To "sue you" would accomplish nothing. I doubt any lawyer would take a case like this.
Make sure you have everything documented that the doctor has said he can not live alone.
If you can not care for him safely make sure that you are able to indicate why you can not safely care for him. (you may never need this but it is always better to have every thing you need documented.)

It’s not just ‘sue for what’, it’s ‘sue who’. Why not the doctor? Or the facility? Or all of you together? I’d love to see the lawyer’s face when she goes to ask to start proceedings. Just ignore her, she’s lost it, Lord. Don't waste sleep over this. Put the phone down on her, put a bolt on the door.

Do what is best for dad.

Please call the Alzheimer’s society local chapter. I have attended both in person caregiver meeting and zoom meetings. Look up the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America and contact your local town government office to find out services for the elderly and caregiver support.

I am curios what she could sue you for. You carry the official document and she would have to provide evidence of neglect. Plus shebis not willing to take him in. You should just quietly continue what you are doing. I am sorry for your estrangement with your sister

Your sister cannot sue you or the dr for putting dad in care.

Seriously! If she continues in this rant, simply pack his stuff and him and take him to her house.

Why do people think they can sue somebody else over well, pretty much ANYTHING?

No lawyer would take this case, BTW. It's beyond ridiculous.