Our dad was diagnosed with dementia. He currently lives with us. He recently was lost by taking an Uber and not telling me. He’s also eating spoiled food so doctor says he can no longer live alone. My sister is not ok with this and is threatening to sue. What do I need to do, if anything?
Does your sister have the money to actually sue you? A lot of people threaten to sue, but then never follow through, because they think an attorney will do it on contingency. This doesn't sound like an attorney would take the case on contingency.
If your sister doesn't want your father in a facility, then it's HER turn to take him in. What does she say about that?
And don't forget to tell her that if she puts dad in a NH you will sue her.
She sees she might lose her inheritance since he will need to pay for his care. That is what this boils down to.
If he’s not SAFE, his POA takes charge and assumes responsibility for ARRANGING humane, appropriate care, NOT NECESSARILY ADMINISTERING IT.
What will Sister’s grounds for a lawsuit? Has she explicitly described how Dad’s care would be less OR more illegal if residential placement were considered, assuming that you are no longer willing or able to provide 24/7 care for him?
YOU have the RIGHT to do YOU. Sister has the RIGHT to do sister.
If a POA has been granted, SOMEONE has the legal obligation to function as POA.
If this lands in court, SOMEONE will be paying money that will be wasted, because DAD should be paying for his own care, and if he is destitute, SOMEONE needs to educate themselves as to how to set up and pay for his care.
I wish I didn’t know what this situation was like, but I do, personally. Hope you both are able to come up with something that works…..
Having money to sue means nothing, if you have the DPOA then your stand is that she either takes him or he goes to AL with a step-down program to MC.
Don't let her bully you, your responsibility is to do what is best for dad.
She sounds like a real winner.
"she conveniently refuses to take him". I see..
Sister has a case of 'all care but takes no responsibility'.
How you handle your sister depends on your style.. ignore her, laugh, eyeroll or sit down hold her hand & listen to her feelings.
But that is a side issue. The main agenda is getting Dad the care he needs. If that is a supported & safer living environment, work towards that.
My own sibling, very caring, had immediately jumped to exclaim "but they wouldn't want...!!!" Common sense was just rolling off like water to a duck's back.. it was all about the emotion.
Regardless, I stepped out for a holiday, sibling stepped in to LIVE some if it. Nothing like some real life to crack open the denial & bring acceptance.
Dementia brings grief to the family. While your sister is very entitled to experience the loss of the Father she knew, to grieve.
You cannot sue grief. Nor can you sue dementia.
Like others have said, do not give up your job to stay home and care for dad. Please consider having him placed. It will be safer for dad and save your sanity. As for your sister, she sounds like the one who needs to be placed.
I would not even tell your sister anything anymore . Wait until Dad is already in a facility and send her a post card FROM DAD announcing the address of his new home .
The first is to do what has already been said and have your father placed in AL or memory care then inform your sister after the fact. Or simply wait until she reaches out to you to inform her.
The second choice is to pack up your father along with all of his things and drop him off at her house.
I'm pretty sure she won't appreciate this because she one of those 'all care but no responsibility' as Beatty so rightly says in the comments.
Yet she expects you to report to her regularly on his care like she's your boss.
Really tell that B-word to go pound sand. You don't have to tolerate her behavior.
If she actually goes so far as to have a lawyer contact you (which is unlikely because lawyers cost money) tell him you'll gladly give over POA and she can be responsible.
Preserving potential inheritance will not be so important to her if she has to take any caregiving responsibility.
What she could do is attempt to get legal guardianship for your Father ($10K or more). If she does that, then resign your PoA and let him go live with her and then do not offer any help unless it's to move him to a facility.
If you wish to shut her up you can point out that, as the PoA, you may need to protect your Father and caregivers from toxic people. You have the ability to block her number, block her from visiting or maybe even get a restraining order against her. Turn the tables on her and see what she has to say about it then. But, don't make any threats that you aren't willing and able to carry out.
Also, read your PoA doc to see how to activate your authority if you haven't already done this. It may require 1 or more medical diagnsosis of cognitive impairment. Do this asap.
When my dad assigned me POA, Rude Aunt said that if I tried to have him ruled incompetent, she'd see me in court. He wasn't incompetent or even approaching it. The thought had never entered my mind. But she WAS threatening me - over nothing. That was the day I knew she'd continue to make trouble if she could. She wanted to be his POA. She never would admit that he was dying, and she continued to be a problem after he died. When I was executor of his estate, she actually did take me to court over mishandling the estate, which wasn't true. Dad's estate lawyer was well-versed in estate law, and I did nothing without running it by him first. The judge threw Rude Aunt's complaint out of court, but it cost the estate thousands to defend against her.
The reason that I'm mentioning the above about Rude Aunt is that I thanked my lucky stars that once she started yapping about taking me to court, I didn't share with her any details of Dad's medical condition, business dealings, etc. It made her angrier, but also she had no fuel for the fire she was trying to light.
Keep sister out of the loop from now on, and good luck with placing your dad.
That for starters. Now on to the issue. Your father needs a diagnosis and someone needs to be guardian or conservator if he did not, when competent, create a POA. If he has a will he may already, even unbeknowst to him, have done the paper for a POA to take over should he be adjudged incompetent in his own care and decisions. You would need minimally letters from TWO doctors to this affect, almost certainly, so your/his own doc needs to make that referral to get the ball rolling.
You then need to see an elder law attorney to be made his guardian. Be certain you know the rules, the fiduciary responsibility for record keeping and bill paying and etc., and know if you want this responsibility.
Your Sister's choice is to come get Dad and care for him 24/7 if she is able. And the rest of it is to totally laugh at her when she spouts nonsense about suing. Tell her to get a lawyer then, and have a great time paying his/her bills. What utter drivel!
Good luck. Follow up with doctor and attorney (if needed) to get Dad in a safe place. If he is able to understand POA he can likely still attend an attorney with you and appoint you POA.
What happens when you speak with Dad about the necessity of placement now?
Your sister is known as a blowhard. Ignore her threats.
Seriously! If she continues in this rant, simply pack his stuff and him and take him to her house.
Why do people think they can sue somebody else over well, pretty much ANYTHING?
No lawyer would take this case, BTW. It's beyond ridiculous.
If you are the one that is legally responsible for his safety then you can do what you have to do in order to keep him safe.
If no one is POA then you may have to obtain Guardianship.
If your sister fights this and she petitions for Guardianship the Court will want to know that he will be taken care of and will be safe. If your sister agrees to take him into her home and care for him then caring for him becomes her responsibility.
If she can not care for him and you can no longer SAFELY care for him then placing him in a facility that will meet his level of care needs is the only safe option.
To "sue you" would accomplish nothing. I doubt any lawyer would take a case like this.
Make sure you have everything documented that the doctor has said he can not live alone.
If you can not care for him safely make sure that you are able to indicate why you can not safely care for him. (you may never need this but it is always better to have every thing you need documented.)
Before your Dad gets worse, make sure all his paperwork is in order, especially the POAs, POLST, Medical Directives, bank accounts, investment accounts. If you were planning on moving him to an MC unit, make sure he is up-to-date on his vaccinations and any other things that have to be done before he can be moved into managed care.
I suspect your sister is going whacky because she has heard all the horrible stories of managed care, and she sees her inheritance being used to pay for this care. On the more civil side, she might be going whacky because she isn't aware of how bad off your Dad is.
Find out who has POA, and if it is you, then do what you think is best for your Dad (however, do NOT take him into your home, even if it is temporary.)
...and .... enlist the aid of an elder attorney, especially if you think you will have to sell his residence in order to pay for his care. If your sister and you have reasonably good relations, other than this bump, then I suggest that you invite her to the discussions with the attorney.
If your Dad is unprepared or just a little prepared for all of this, the "fun" is just beginning.
You can safely ignore her threat. She’d just be wasting her money, even if she can find a lawyer to take her BS case. IF she has any sort of grounds for a suit (hint: she doesn’t) a judge would throw her out of the courtroom on her ear.
Someone could potentially be sued for NOT providing proper care, whether it's in a private residence or a nursing home, but the act of placing someone in a licensed nursing home cannot be grounds for proving damages. Especially since you would have met the burden of your responsibility by doing so....
There is always a solution if you take the emotional idiocy out of the conversation and get to "what's so" about the situation. It sounds to me like Dad needs more care than you are able to provide. Packing him up and sending him out to pasture may not be the best solution, and maybe that is why your sister has gone whack on you.
I want to propose something radical. Ready???
Sit your sister down and ask her, "What do you think dad needs?" Then, listen intently and let her express herself. Offer to have a brainstorming (not brainwashing) session with her. There might be lots of better alternatives, for example:
Adult daycare.
Part-time/full-time in-home Caregiver.
Live-in Caregiver.
Help from your church or religious community.
Weekends at Sis' house.
Frequent and scheduled visits with family.
Asking Dad what he wants (dementia and brain dead are not the same thing).
And maybe 20 other ideas you, your sister, or the compassionate people in this community could offer.
Or maybe, after additional consideration, your sister may agree with you...
I hope that made a difference. If it didn't, you will hate the next paragraph...
Consider that people don't get upset about things they DO NOT care about. (I am not upset about the recent anchovy shortage because I don't like anchovies.) Consider your sister is upset because she loves and cares about your father (and probably you too). If you can acknowledge her for her love and care, maybe the two of you can form a partnership that works for you, her, and OMG, maybe even your dad!
I'd love to hear your thoughts and your results...
BRAD
OP is trying to get his Dad safely placed . If sister doesn’t like that and wants Dad to have in home caregivers then she should offer to take Dad and arrange that . Threatening to sue does not start the conversation . Don’t put this on OP . Maybe the sister is just a whacko in general or perhaps she is looking to preserve inheritance .
Threatening to sue over this is ridiculous and to me shows a huge red flag that this sister is unhinged and someone I would not bend over backwards for as you are suggesting , nor do I think anything good would come from a conversation with her . I would not trust being alone with her either , who knows what lies she would come up with .
The fact that so many have answered similar goes to show how often this happens when the ones NOT giving the care are unreasonable .