Our dad was diagnosed with dementia. He currently lives with us. He recently was lost by taking an Uber and not telling me. He’s also eating spoiled food so doctor says he can no longer live alone. My sister is not ok with this and is threatening to sue. What do I need to do, if anything?
And don't forget to tell her that if she puts dad in a NH you will sue her.
There is always a solution if you take the emotional idiocy out of the conversation and get to "what's so" about the situation. It sounds to me like Dad needs more care than you are able to provide. Packing him up and sending him out to pasture may not be the best solution, and maybe that is why your sister has gone whack on you.
I want to propose something radical. Ready???
Sit your sister down and ask her, "What do you think dad needs?" Then, listen intently and let her express herself. Offer to have a brainstorming (not brainwashing) session with her. There might be lots of better alternatives, for example:
Adult daycare.
Part-time/full-time in-home Caregiver.
Live-in Caregiver.
Help from your church or religious community.
Weekends at Sis' house.
Frequent and scheduled visits with family.
Asking Dad what he wants (dementia and brain dead are not the same thing).
And maybe 20 other ideas you, your sister, or the compassionate people in this community could offer.
Or maybe, after additional consideration, your sister may agree with you...
I hope that made a difference. If it didn't, you will hate the next paragraph...
Consider that people don't get upset about things they DO NOT care about. (I am not upset about the recent anchovy shortage because I don't like anchovies.) Consider your sister is upset because she loves and cares about your father (and probably you too). If you can acknowledge her for her love and care, maybe the two of you can form a partnership that works for you, her, and OMG, maybe even your dad!
I'd love to hear your thoughts and your results...
BRAD
OP is trying to get his Dad safely placed . If sister doesn’t like that and wants Dad to have in home caregivers then she should offer to take Dad and arrange that . Threatening to sue does not start the conversation . Don’t put this on OP . Maybe the sister is just a whacko in general or perhaps she is looking to preserve inheritance .
Threatening to sue over this is ridiculous and to me shows a huge red flag that this sister is unhinged and someone I would not bend over backwards for as you are suggesting , nor do I think anything good would come from a conversation with her . I would not trust being alone with her either , who knows what lies she would come up with .
The fact that so many have answered similar goes to show how often this happens when the ones NOT giving the care are unreasonable .
She sees she might lose her inheritance since he will need to pay for his care. That is what this boils down to.
Does your sister have the money to actually sue you? A lot of people threaten to sue, but then never follow through, because they think an attorney will do it on contingency. This doesn't sound like an attorney would take the case on contingency.
If your sister doesn't want your father in a facility, then it's HER turn to take him in. What does she say about that?
I would not even tell your sister anything anymore . Wait until Dad is already in a facility and send her a post card FROM DAD announcing the address of his new home .
What she could do is attempt to get legal guardianship for your Father ($10K or more). If she does that, then resign your PoA and let him go live with her and then do not offer any help unless it's to move him to a facility.
If you wish to shut her up you can point out that, as the PoA, you may need to protect your Father and caregivers from toxic people. You have the ability to block her number, block her from visiting or maybe even get a restraining order against her. Turn the tables on her and see what she has to say about it then. But, don't make any threats that you aren't willing and able to carry out.
Also, read your PoA doc to see how to activate your authority if you haven't already done this. It may require 1 or more medical diagnsosis of cognitive impairment. Do this asap.
When my dad assigned me POA, Rude Aunt said that if I tried to have him ruled incompetent, she'd see me in court. He wasn't incompetent or even approaching it. The thought had never entered my mind. But she WAS threatening me - over nothing. That was the day I knew she'd continue to make trouble if she could. She wanted to be his POA. She never would admit that he was dying, and she continued to be a problem after he died. When I was executor of his estate, she actually did take me to court over mishandling the estate, which wasn't true. Dad's estate lawyer was well-versed in estate law, and I did nothing without running it by him first. The judge threw Rude Aunt's complaint out of court, but it cost the estate thousands to defend against her.
The reason that I'm mentioning the above about Rude Aunt is that I thanked my lucky stars that once she started yapping about taking me to court, I didn't share with her any details of Dad's medical condition, business dealings, etc. It made her angrier, but also she had no fuel for the fire she was trying to light.
Keep sister out of the loop from now on, and good luck with placing your dad.