Do I take the teddy bear away or continue to let her care for it?

I am having the same problem. My mom has a stuffed dog and a cat and sometimes she is so stressed over them I wonder if I have done the right thing getting them for her. She has often woke me up in a panic in the middle of the night crying that they have died, they aren't breathing or "feel them there is nothing to them. What happened?" She also worries because they wont eat, play or go to the bathroom. I use all kinds of creative ways to ease her mind as I am sure you do too but I understand the question because I have asked myself the same thing. She can just get so distraught and obsessive I wondered if I was causing her more harm than good. I decided that since she still has far more good days then bad with 'her pets" I would revisit the question if that changes. She was going thru a bad stage with them for like over a week but is back to her normal with them again. Thankfully
I wish you well!

IMO, your aunt will have good days and bad days with or without the stuffed animal.

I would keep anything that calms her or gives her joy - even if on bad days she targets the bear. You don't know how many more bad days she might have, or how bad her bad day might be, without it.

Sadly, there will be more bad days to come. All the tips, tricks and techniques to give her joy now is a plus.

One of our family members have stuffed animals which for sometime have been a comfort. Her problem is she hallucinates that her dogs she's had (who died) are in the house with her. She cries that someone has stolen them, she imagines she has a basement and can't get them out, or she has a second floor and they are freezing. I try to divert her attention to her stuffed animals who she can take care and love. Usually I am successful and she sets them to watch cartoons etc. However, she lives alone and her son lives next door. The family works full time but takes her breakfast and supper (sometimes lunch) and her medicine. When she thinks the bear is dead, check it out, listen to its heart, take its pulse and assure her that sometimes bears go in hibernation. Dementia patients can be so alone and I too might give the bear a companion.

Reassure her that the bear is fine and praise her for taking such good care of it. If it is soiled, make sure it gets a wash. Greet the bear when she has it and tell her how good she looks and how well mama is caring for her. Do not take it away.

I care for an aging parent who at 98 loves her stuffed lions and lion art throughout her bedroom and home. She has a huge stuffed lion. I also care for a disabled sister and two large dogs. By the way I have a teddy bear that I've had for over 30 years. When I flew back to America from Jerusalem there was an extra seat beside me and I let the bear sit in it. I love my Teddy Bear and it has a very special and warm memory attached to it. If the bear givers her some comfort leave it alone let her keep it. If the bear causes her some discomfort or an association with something that is uncomfortable, sad or even death. Give her comfort. some assuring words help to associate with positive memories. I'm just a parent and a daughter but I truly understand the pain of losing a love one and the need to hold on to a memory. "Teddy Bears can sometimes be very therapeutic and comforting."

Leave her alone. If you are not a Psychiatrist, leave her alone! Similar reports abound from those who did not or craved but not received attention or acknowledgement during their lifetime. Leave her alone....and pray if you walk thru that corridor...sooner or later....if related to her to the fourth generation, that someone will have mercy on you, and leave you alone!

Saw an old lady on the train once.

She introduced her bear to us teenagers. He was dressed smart! Shirt & jacket, maybe a hat even. They had been to the races. She had a nice dress & lippy on. They had had a great day.

We all had a great time chatting on the train. We were surprised... but played along, stayed polite.

After she & bear alighted, we debriefed. Even as teens we agreed: if that bear made her happy, replaced her dead husband or whatever, we accepted it.

After all, we all want someone to love.

(and some kindhearted folk to help us)

The teddy bear does bring joy, but the OP's point is that it also seems sometimes to bring sadness - that's what she was concerned about.

Doesn't matter: the important thing is that the lady can express herself through play with the bear. It *might* become a problem if the anxiety and sadness escalate (though I still wouldn't just take the bear away) but it doesn't sound as if that's the case?

DEFINITELY do NOT take the Teddy Bear away.............. I think it is giving her joy. Just let her enjoy it..........................

Please do not take the teddy bear away. That is her comfort. It gives her purpose like a mother taking care of her child. My poor mother passed last April with dementia and she loved her "fake" cat. She thought it was REAL. It was the only thing that would calm her down. We put her "fake" cat in the casket with her because she loved it so much. Please do not take the teddy bear away. Bless you and your mom. I know it's so hard.

Let her keep it. They even make stuffed dogs and cats intended for dementia patients. They move parts of their bodies and purr, etc.

I was visiting with a family and their mother. They had purchased the cat for their mother and she REALLY loved it. She had it wrapped in a blanket. You could tell it bought her much comfort. They did say the batteries died one and she thought the cat was sick and needed to go to the vet.

caliraya: Imho, the bear is giving her a sense of comfort. Let her keep the bear as if you were to remove it, her brain would be unable to process it.

I would give her a couple more teddies and encourage her inter-relationship with them. She might be sad at times but this is how dementia is - expressing emotions will be raw & overwhelming at times because there is no filter on the brain that is 'reasonable' to the carer looking on. To me allowing dementia patients to express their emotions is important - it is a reflection of their brain and the disease which is destroying connections. Just a thought - would she sing to the teddies?

Hello. Im 81 and want a stuffed animal when i go to the home.

Keep the bear.

I am 70 years old and joy in my life is found in limited amounts. I would let her keep the teddy bear.

SOMETIMES illogical situations need illogical remedies.

Pretend calm concern and put your head on teddy's chest. Tell her it's not dead but instead in a non-lethal coma which is good for neurological repair.

Wrap teddy's head with a short ace bandage and in a whisper tell her that it was a good thing she discovered the situation in time. You could ask her if she thinks a blanket may be helpful.

After awhile, take off the bandage, and let her rewind it, or just take it off when she's not looking and stash it for the next time.

I don't have the exact same experience but depending on the day I've told my husband brief eye-crossing whoppers just to take his worries away.

I hate, hate doing that. It's very uncomfortable, but if it works what the heck. It soothes bad situations and saves time and nerves.

G-d how I miss adult interaction.

Please let her keep the bear! It is a comfort to her. Think of it as if she was a small child with a “lovey” when s/he feels scared or alone.

She is seeking purpose. Let her care for her bear and give her other jobs.

Polishing silver, organizing drawers, folding wash cloths. Praise her good work and encourage a full schedule.

Let her keep her bear and maybe enter her reality. Go along with her. Does she need soothing like someone who has experienced a loss? Sympathize with her. Explore her sadness. As you’ve experienced her mood will go up and down.

They actually sell dementia stuffed animals. After my mothers cat died I bought her one. The idiots at the nursing home threw it out when they packed her up so I bought her another for her hospice stay. Best money I ever spent. It soothed her . Because it was motion activated she thought it was alive, unlike her real cat that she was sure died at least once a day since, like most cats it pretty much ignored you and didn’t move if it didn’t feel like it lol. So if you can afford it, maybe try a motion activated one?

Validate her feelings, "You are such a great mother." etc. It is more about the feelings that are attached to the symbolic teddy bear, no need to rationalize them, just acknowledge them.

Absolutely let her keep it! Is there a cat in the house? My dad talked with his cats all day, and honestly, I think being able to have a conversation kept him alive longer. He would sit and pet his cat and talk to it. There's something to touch that is healing and comforting.
Keep some extra stuffed animals on hand, and when she's down, change the subject and tell her she has a nursery to care for. At stage five, her mind is like a child. She isn't the grown-up that you knew. This is the most sad disease known to mankind in my opinion.

Definitely let her keep it. Good idea to keep a spare in case it gets lost too. My mother has a baby doll that is her entire world now. She sometimes thinks the doll is sick, and I have to calm her down, but overall the doll is super therapeutic. I have a spare at home just in case. P.S. You might explore different medications as well. My mother is on antidepressants and Trazadone. These medications keep her calm and even without making her drowsy or "drugged up." Good luck to you.

I use to work in the central office of a company that owned multiple NHs. My job was in multiple areas of management from controller to maintaining and updating computers and the Medicare/Medicaid software. Often when I was walking down the halls just to do an examination of the rooms/facilities, I would have a lady walk up to me and hand me her doll. I would cradle the doll like it was a baby, rock it a little and talk to it. The smile on the residents face could make my day. Another time a lady asked me if I could help her find her dorm. She thought she was back in college, somewhere in Missouri. A nurse overheard and whispered which wing and room number. I walked her back all the while asking about her family. She said she has to go back from time to time and help her family on the farm. Got her to her "dorm room" and said my goodbyes. I came to believe if you are going to deal with dementia, what better way than to regress to a happy time. Not an expert, but it seems to me that whatever world they are in is better than being confused and upset. If its manageable and doesn't disrupt others, let her have the "baby". When she becomes upset and thinks it has died, you're going to have to be inventive. Assure her the baby is fine. It may take some time to figure out the best way to assure her. But taking the baby away isn't a good idea. For my sister in AL, sometimes she thinks she is part of the staff, sometimes she thinks she is going to be interviewed for a job. She has a master's degree in psychology and worked as a family councilor. Served in the Army as a sergeant so she has a lot of flashes of a past life that she seems to relive. I just talk with her like she is what she thinks she is as long as its not troublesome to others. Find a way to assure her the teddy bear is ok. Where ever she is living in her mind, let her find some comfort and happiness in her last years. I'm sure most of the other answers will tell you the same.

Let her keep it with her. It’s comforting her and that’s good.

Let her keep it. The teddy bear is a comfort item to her.

I would suggest that she keep the teddy bear, I would guess that the contentment she has with it outweighs the bits of sadness she experiences. Perhaps you can get her to thinking about something else when those sad thoughts creep into her mind - maybe a snack, some music, read to her, etc. My mom has baby dolls that she “mothers” - mostly she loves on them, sometimes she scolds them and other times she wants nothing to do with them. I will be the first to admit that I was not fond of introducing a doll baby into this equation (I would sometimes wonder if she knew the babies weren’t real and would be upset with us, like we were dumbing her down) but it seems to give for some peace, comfort and joy, which is one of our goals at this stage. Dementia is a roller coaster ride and we do the best we can to hang on and keep our loved one safe and happy. Love, reassurance, patience and companionship is what our moms need and deserve! It is a difficult journey for all. Best wishes to you and your mom.

Your aunt is using the teddy bear as a tool to express emotions that she is feeling. Sometimes they will be sad emotions because she is feeling sad. She's allowed to feel sad, isn't she?

When she is, are you able to console her? You could try developing the conversation to explore what else might be involved in these thoughts and feelings, but dig gently!

I know this from experience with my BIL with dementia don't change their routine once they have it set in their mind its there to stay. You try to change it just messes them up won't get back into that routine causes more problems.

Let her keep the teddy bear. If it dies then say poor teddy console her but don't take it away. I know it will be repeating yourself but its part of their mind don't disrupt it or you may have more problems.

Prayers to you and your aunt.

Tell her. . .
1) it is taking a nap . . . that's a GREAT idea for you, too - want to take a nap with your xxx" S/he'd love that !
2) It is sleeping after a very long day. It feels good resting now.
3) Do not take it away ---
IMPORTANT:
a). use it as a model of behavior which would be helpful / healthy for her to emulate (i.e., rest, be calm, feel loved, someone to talk to, etc.)
b). You never want to take something away WITHOUT replacing it.

* I'd say as long as she isn't eating it or being self-destruction that the attachment is healthy for her. In addition, you could get her a cat or dog that move and make noises like real ones. (And keep the bear and/or see how she proceeds.). There is no reason to take it away.
* She may be thinking or realizing 'somewhere in her brain' that death is part of life - even though she won't understand this. For her to 'think' like this is a way to release feellings of grief and sadness - feelings that often are stuffed in / down and would be best felt. You can easily divert her attention or focus of what the bear is actually doing (sleeping, relaxing, having a lovely dream OF HER !)

Gena / Touch Matters