Do I choose my 97-year-old mom over my 22-year marriage?

Why would you want to sacrifice your marriage? Would your other family members want you to? You have to ask yourself those questions and make your own choice, but I for one, don't think sacrificing your marriage would be the correct choice.

WhyMe, choose your marriage. Choose your well-being, peace of mind, life, health and home. You don't know what could be triggered by having her in your house and once she is there, it will be close to impossible to move her elsewhere. Do you think your mother is being well cared for? If not, then that is a different story. She probably is unhappy and it is hard to hear that from a parent and not want to fix things for them, but don't do it at the expense of your quality of life. I agree with a post I read before on this site that we first owe our time to our minor-aged children, then secondly we owe it to ourselves and spouse. That puts our elderly parents somewhere around third depending on what else is going on from time to time.

I have not been on this site as long as some others, but 99% of the posts about Loved Ones in facilities say the resident “hates it”. My own mom included. They say they want to go “home” but in my mother’s case, it was her girlhood home in the 1930’s.

I don’t understand why you would even consider dumping your marriage in favor of your mother. Are there issues there as well?

Your post is very brief and vague. Perhaps if you repost with as many details as you are comfortable providing, we could be of more help.

I seem to recall in my marriage vows, something about "forsaking all others, as long as you both shall live..." Clearly this does not mean "leave your parents to the mercy of the world" but she is not out in the world, homeless. She is in a NH. Do NOT destroy your marriage for your mother's happiness.

How long have you been on this website? Spend a day reading some of the MANY stories of people having moved a dementia patient into their homes and see what you are in for if you are at all tempted to move her into your house. It is HORRIBLE. It is stressful and exhausting to the Nth degree and very frequently, the patient outlives the caregiver.

The best you can do for her is visit her at the NH frequently, daily if possible, to ensure she is being well cared for. Believe me, the staff knows who visits regularly.

I am 63

I agree, your marriage.

Your profile says Mom has ALZ/Dementia. She may never like it until she no longer knows where she is. But, its the best place she can be. Her needs are going to get greater and u may not be able to deal with it. You r entitled to a life. I am assuming you are around 70. You need to enjoy your husband. You never know what life will bring. Mom has had a life and now needs more care than u can give.

What's going on, whyme2018?

Your marriage! It must be your first priority.

However, would there be a way for you to continue caring for your mom at the nursing home that wouldn't jeopardize your marriage and other commitments?