Do I belong here?

Yes you do. If she is so physically and mentally healthy why is she living with you? Is she doing any of the housework? Who takes her to doctor appointments? Is she cooking meals? Does she plan to live with you as she ages and isn't so physically and mentally healthy? And when she ages as will her mental and physical abilitities what are her expectations from you? Do you have POA for her and MPOA? Have you discussed end of life issues with her? This site has a lot of people on here that can be very helpful so ask away.

Well, there are different definitions to “caregiver”, usually we classify ourselves as caregivers when we do things for a certain person in our lives. My husband is bedridden, at home, and I do everything for him but feed him. Most of the people who are on this page help loved ones or friends manage their lives and surroundings, doing things constantly that the loved one cannot do due to physical or mental issues.

If your mom is physically and mentally healthy, she is able to manage personal hygiene, cook for herself if needed, manage her finances, communicate, get around on her own, keep her room clean, etc., then I would have to say no, you do not give her care. She is a “boarder” but technically not in your care.

What sort of forum are you looking for?

You found this forum. You used the word caregiver to describe yourself, even if your mother disagrees. You belong here. If not every issue discussed here is relevant to you, it may be someday, or if not, you can just skip over it. I don't live with my mother, and she is still all there mentally, but I belong here even though not every issue applies to me.

Welcome.

Gosh, first thank you all. I’m an only child and 3 years ago we lost my dad. Mom lived in a VERY rural part of Oklahoma and then to boot her nearest neighbor was 3 miles away. She’s estranged from her siblings and has only one friend there. After spending 10 days in ICU with her in OKC for perforated ulcer and being terrified of losing her as well. Clark and I suggested she sell the farm and move in with us. When we bought the house it was with her living here in mind. She’s was not all accustomed to the population and all of the things that living in Jacksonville, Florida bring with it. She does drive herself in our little section of town but she refuses to left me have any personal time for myself. I work a very stressful full time job that I am fortunate enough to do remotely. Main office is in Miami. I say her health is good - but as I write this the list of health issues she does have. COPD, knees that need to be replaced, poor vision, overweight, allergies, the list goes on. She will make doctor appointments and then not go unless i take her. She complains about her aches and pains daily but refuses to do what the doctors have asked before they will do surgery. She’s been sheltered all of her life. Marrried at 18 she has never been truly on her own. I can no longer have private conversations as she lurks near the doors and listens. If my husband and I go out she lays a guilt trip on me. My friends on any and all social media have all been friended by her. I have no privacy at all. I was so hopeful when she went to an aging center and they offered counciling to me as it relates to mom living here. She melted down in tears saying it was going to be nothing but us talking about her. I didn’t go. She stopped going to the aging center. She finds reasons to argue with her Dr.s about her health and treatment. She takes her daily medicine when she’s talking about how terrible she feels. But not as prescribed. When I try to gently remind her (as I take daily medication as well) she tells me that I am correcting her like she is a child. I’ve tried being honest wit her about my feelings. She shut herself in her room only coming out for meals for two weeks. I’m not sure what to do. I have found classes for her to attend, groups I think she would enjoy but she refuses unless I go with her. I hope this gives more insight into where I’m at. I feel so alone.

You are not alone,
YOU ARE A CAREGIVER!

Not only are caregivers required to do all these things and be NICE, they must not allow their care recipients to know you are a caregiver!

Welcome!

Sendhelp, CarlaCB, Hugemom and Timbuktu- thank you so much. This is the first time I’ve felt a spark of hope in the middle of this. My husband is my rock and supports and listens to me. But he has a different relationship with her. I think this has all come to a head since his parents recently moved here from Tampa. They are in their late 70s and his mom had a stroke 3 years ago and is wheelchair bound. They too rely on us as we are the only family they have in town. So my sandwich has morphed into a big ole Dagwood lol.

KJMorgan, sometimes we need to step into Mom's shoes to try to understand what is happening. So sorry to read that you lost your Dad, and your Mom lost the love of her life. This wasn't the retirement that your parents had planned. It's not easy losing a spouse, especially when one is 70 years old. She is totally lost, even though she is living with you.

Instead of your Mom going to a senior center, personally I feel 70 is too young to even be there, is for Mom to do some volunteer work that is an easy drive for her. Volunteering is the greatest feeling in the world, plus she will meet new people closer to her age. Then and maybe then your Mom will start taking better care of herself.

Yes, you are a caregiver if you are driving Mom to doctor appointments, etc. And with Mom having those ailments. Curious about the poor vision. What does the ophthalmologist have to say about this issue? Regarding Mom's knees, do they hurt because of her weight? Take her walking if you can, its a great way to keep the pounds down [I need to take my own advice].

Reading that your Mom was never lived on her own reminded me of my own Mom. My Mom hated being on her own any time Dad was on a business trip or in the hospital. Then it dawned on me, Mom and all her sisters lived at home until they were married.

Welcome to the forum :)

You didn't go to counselling because your mom was upset?

Google "fear, obligation and guilt". Then read about how adult children set boundaries with their parents.

Your mother has some serious illnesses which are progressive. She may have some mental illness or a personality disorder. She is certainly not a fully functional, independent person, is she?

Yes, you belong here! Start setting boundaries on your time, both for work and with your husband. And start looking at senior apartments in your area for mom.

You belong here!

Please find yourself a therapist and go so that you have someone to guide and support you in the battle for freedom from the big three, "Fear, Obligation and Guilt"

If she can volunteer at the library.

KJ,
Your Mom has the personality of someone who had a perforated ulcer, maybe keeping things in.
Send her to talk therapy.
Protecting her dignity might help also, so that she doesn't have to see you as her caregiver.

What is the relationship she has with your hubs? That could be important, a clue as to what she needs. That is quite a Dagwood you both are building there.

You definitely belong here. And I agree with others that finding ways to set boundaries will make your life much better. I cringe at the idea of not having time to myself or the ability to have private conversations.

With your Mom being so young you likely have many years in front of you. You will be a MUCH better caretaker as time goes on if you take care of yourself first (like the oxygen mask in a plane), so think of it as helping your mom as well as yourself. I know that there are good books out there on boundary setting, but I can't remember their name. However Captain Awkward (google it) is an advice columnist all about setting boundaries and she has great advice so go check out her archives.

I had my own issues with the care taking I was doing for my parents and my husband who has his own special needs. Seeing a therapist was hugely helpful!!

Good luck.

KJ, I lived your life for 18 months. My dad passed away and my mom came to live with us until she could get into an independent living apartment. My dad had done everything for her. She couldn't do anything on her own and we became her social life . She was with us 24/7. She didn't want to try any activities, she just wanted to sit in my family room watching her shows all day, waiting for meals to be served. She expected to be included wherever we went. It was exhausting and my health went down hill quickly. When my mom moved out all my medical conditions magically disappeared. Be careful, stress can really take a toll on your body.
My mom has been in her apartment for three years now. She's in a great place that has continuing care. They have all kinds of activities and trips but she still chooses to sit and watch TV all day. The good news is she has made friends and meets them every night for Happy Hour and dinner.
I've really had to work hard to make her independent. I had to for her sake and mine. Take care of yourself and listen to what others have said about setting boundaries.

Just read COPD can contribute to Dementia. So look for signs. You also need boundries. You need to make Mom understand that you have a job and responsibilities. She needs to find interests because ur not able to be everything to her.

JoAnna - I will watch! I didn’t know that! Thank you!

Welcome KJMorgan. My only wish is that you didn't need to be here... This is a hard road, but look here for support, compassion and advice. Sometimes we even rant here, when no one at home wants to listen :)

Or volunteer at an elementary school. My MIL lived with us for a number of years and she volunteered at the elementary school library a couple of times a week. She loved it!

Yes, you are a caregiver. Her illnesses are going to progress. you are doing for her now and it will become much more. Being here you may very well learn how to handle different issues before they become an issue. That makes you a planner, that is good for you and all involved.

If she says she does not need any assistance then you should have no problem getting her to look at apartments, maybe even a senior complex.

Hate to say it. But welcome to misery. I’m here lots of people are here to help. Just a real tough long journey.

KJMorgan: Heck yes, you belong here! Welcome.

Witnessing our parents’ decline is draining and stressful.

Compounded by.....Whyyyyy do so many ailing parents insist on being his/her own worst enemy???!?

In turn, the ailing parent looks to us to be the on-demand enabler. Or the on-demand miracle worker. Or the on-demand denier.

OH the skewed reality! It’s crazy-making.

In your case — Mom needs you nearby, for sure. But not necessarily in the next room! How about the next town...?!

Seriously, any chance Mom can get into an “over 55” apartment building? Or a independent-living unit on a campus that offers assisted living and/or skilled care as needs escalate?

Keep coming back to AC Forum for support and ideas. Search “boundaries.” Be good to yourself. 🧡

Now, since you are here....
You belong in bed early enough to get enough rest, regularly.
You belong at the hairdresser or gym regularly and enough to keep you feeling good.
You belong at the doctor for yourself often enough to stay healthy.
And other "belongings" too.

All these answers remind me of the words to an old Doors song. "this is the end, my only friend, the end"

Sorry, but this doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. It might well be eventually but your Mom sounds like she just needs to be nudged in the right direction. There is still hope for an okay outcome but don't wait too long.

"Mom sounds like she just needs to be nudged in the right direction"???

Seriously, I think that train has left the station. Every little nudge seems to make Mom break down in tears or resort to guilt-tripping and manipulation.

KJ needs some genuine support and serious suggestions here. Mocking other posters isn't the least bit helpful.

KJ, thanks for filling in some of the details. I was already wondering what was happening with your husband's parents since your mother seems to be sucking up all the available energy. This is a very tough situation

One of the drawbacks of moving a parent close to you is that you at least initially become their entire world and social life. It's hard to break free of that when they don't have any other contacts or activities in the area. I had that problem with my mother too, but your issue is worse because your mother was totally wrapped up in her husband before she moved in with you. She never learned to find her own friends or activities.

She needs to find some activities outside the house. You may need to make a lot of suggestions and apply some pressure, and convince her that it's not healthy for anyone for her to rely on you and hubby for all her activities.

There have to be some activities for her in a big place like Jacksonville. Does she play cards? Read books? Watch birds? Collect china? Enjoy museums? There must be seniors' groups in your area who cater to whatever interests your Mom has developed in the past, and if you can get her to try them out, it could give you a bit of a break.  Yes, you may need to go with her at first, to help her break the ice.  Think of it as an investment in your own future. Your own freedom and independence.

I also agree with a longer range plan to move her into her own place. But I think that until she has some sort of life of her own, she'd never agree and you'd just be unleashing massive hysterics and guilt-tripping.

KJMorgan, 
You belong here and you're one of us now.
(Picture a sinister, hooded figure laughing- ne-ah-ha-ha! 👽 We've gotcha'.)
[OK, I'm weird.]

Keep reading and posting. We'll be with you throughout the process. You're not alone. We're all in the same boat together.
Welcome 

I find your question “Do I belong here?”, so poignant. I can imagine you in desperation and with anxiety researching sites before you got to this one (as we all did!). The fact that you found yourself here and took the trouble to join and post means you are in the right place. I am also struck by your comment “I feel so alone “. I think that is a common feeling of people in our situations no matter how varied. I have a big family who are all involved with caregiving for my parents (some more than others) as well as professionals who come in daily, but I have often felt this “aloneness “ in all of this.

I agree; and I think your questioning whether you are a caregiver because your mother doesn't like the term, and temporarily forgetting to mention all her health care needs and all the demands made on you, kind of says it all, actually.

Never fear for here we are! - as my not very poetic granny used to say.

Carla, I wasn't mocking anybody. You see what you want to see.

All I meant was her Mom is still young and therefore it isn't too late to turn things around. As far as my remark about the song lyrics, that's what the thread reminded me of and so I voiced it. It's called humor Carla. Maybe if you weren't such a humorless person you would see that. I'm not expecting everyone to see the humor in things just the way I do but having a sense of humor is what got me through some really tough times. You should try it some time.

Oh, and by the way. Not everybody needs to have the same opinion to be welcome on this forum. Different points of view and different ways of seeing things are part and parcel of being human beings otherwise we might as well all be robots.

kJ, I have found this forum to be a Godsend for me. I was caring for both my mom and my hubby at one time. Now, it’s just hubby, but his care has increased since he’s been home from rehab. You are welcome here anytime you need to vent or need an answer. You can answer and ask questions, get cyber hugs and much understanding. Be a frequent visitor. XOXO

Do I belong here?
Apparently, everyone but Gershun .......
When I first started posting, someone asked me directly: "Are you a caregiver?",
wanting to weed out the riff raff who weren't 24/7 caregiving their Mom.
I belong here.
Gershun belongs here.
I really appreciate the thanksgiving letter 2017 received by the Admins of AC, thanking me for my contributions here.

I am sure everyone got the form email from admin. It is a yearly thAnks to all for their participation.

All are welcome here until it becomes obvious they are trolls, or putting others on the spot frequently. Some do it much more often than others. And it does not help to get defensive. Caregiving has given us all a thick skin, why take out frustrations on others here? We certainly do not need it. Maybe it is society in general. Everyone is so easily hurt by something someone says. Soon no one will be talking at all, too afraid someone will take something wrong.