Do I belong here?

You didn't go to counselling because your mom was upset?

Google "fear, obligation and guilt". Then read about how adult children set boundaries with their parents.

Your mother has some serious illnesses which are progressive. She may have some mental illness or a personality disorder. She is certainly not a fully functional, independent person, is she?

Yes, you belong here! Start setting boundaries on your time, both for work and with your husband. And start looking at senior apartments in your area for mom.

You are not alone,
YOU ARE A CAREGIVER!

Not only are caregivers required to do all these things and be NICE, they must not allow their care recipients to know you are a caregiver!

Welcome!

KJ, I lived your life for 18 months. My dad passed away and my mom came to live with us until she could get into an independent living apartment. My dad had done everything for her. She couldn't do anything on her own and we became her social life . She was with us 24/7. She didn't want to try any activities, she just wanted to sit in my family room watching her shows all day, waiting for meals to be served. She expected to be included wherever we went. It was exhausting and my health went down hill quickly. When my mom moved out all my medical conditions magically disappeared. Be careful, stress can really take a toll on your body.
My mom has been in her apartment for three years now. She's in a great place that has continuing care. They have all kinds of activities and trips but she still chooses to sit and watch TV all day. The good news is she has made friends and meets them every night for Happy Hour and dinner.
I've really had to work hard to make her independent. I had to for her sake and mine. Take care of yourself and listen to what others have said about setting boundaries.

Now, since you are here....
You belong in bed early enough to get enough rest, regularly.
You belong at the hairdresser or gym regularly and enough to keep you feeling good.
You belong at the doctor for yourself often enough to stay healthy.
And other "belongings" too.

I feel that this forum is available to those who are in some manner supporting their aging parents or other loved ones.

Me, I am doing it from afar. I cannot be in the same room with either parent for more than a few minutes before the criticism starts. So I choose not to be in the same room as them. It took years of therapy to get out from under their thumbs and I refuse to give up my life for them.

So even though I am not dealing with my parents on a day to day basis, I read on these pages what may be coming down the pipe and how to set up supports ahead of time. Once again from afar.

KJMorgan, sometimes we need to step into Mom's shoes to try to understand what is happening. So sorry to read that you lost your Dad, and your Mom lost the love of her life. This wasn't the retirement that your parents had planned. It's not easy losing a spouse, especially when one is 70 years old. She is totally lost, even though she is living with you.

Instead of your Mom going to a senior center, personally I feel 70 is too young to even be there, is for Mom to do some volunteer work that is an easy drive for her. Volunteering is the greatest feeling in the world, plus she will meet new people closer to her age. Then and maybe then your Mom will start taking better care of herself.

Yes, you are a caregiver if you are driving Mom to doctor appointments, etc. And with Mom having those ailments. Curious about the poor vision. What does the ophthalmologist have to say about this issue? Regarding Mom's knees, do they hurt because of her weight? Take her walking if you can, its a great way to keep the pounds down [I need to take my own advice].

Reading that your Mom was never lived on her own reminded me of my own Mom. My Mom hated being on her own any time Dad was on a business trip or in the hospital. Then it dawned on me, Mom and all her sisters lived at home until they were married.

Welcome to the forum :)

You belong here!

Please find yourself a therapist and go so that you have someone to guide and support you in the battle for freedom from the big three, "Fear, Obligation and Guilt"

The variety of ideas and different input is what makes this forum so great. Everyone who wants to can weigh in and there are different takes on things.

KJ, you certainly do belong here if you want to get smart input from people who are now or have been in similar situations. Take the helpful stuff, leave the rest. We're all just regular people, though some have more knowledge about certain aspects of caregiving. The caregiving journey can be a real tough thing for many and you'll need advice and support along the way. Welcome to AC.

KJMorgan, looks to me as though you've already left this forum :( because I'm seeing only others' posts. Hopefully not. My heart sank when I started reading through the posts and noticed the bickering start.

I've only posted once before a few weeks ago and received many many helpful and supportive answers. Since then I've been reading and learning so much! So thanks to everyone here for your contributions.

If I may be so bold ... please think back to when you first came on here, were a newbie, and how you would have felt about bickering starting in your initial threads. Speaking from experience on other forums I've joined, it's very hurtful and unhelpful, and drove me away instead of welcoming me in.

So my suggestion: put your best foot forward at first.

My two cents' ......

Sendhelp, CarlaCB, Hugemom and Timbuktu- thank you so much. This is the first time I’ve felt a spark of hope in the middle of this. My husband is my rock and supports and listens to me. But he has a different relationship with her. I think this has all come to a head since his parents recently moved here from Tampa. They are in their late 70s and his mom had a stroke 3 years ago and is wheelchair bound. They too rely on us as we are the only family they have in town. So my sandwich has morphed into a big ole Dagwood lol.