Do dementia patients get clingy?

I've got another cling story. When my mother was at the pharmacy, she would get right up to the person before hers' heels! I said "Mother you're invading that person's privacy-stop being so clingy." Not to mention there was a privacy sign posted!

My grandma has dementia and hates for me to be out of her sight. She fears being alone and hates new people. She will question me anytime I even go to the bathroom making it really hard to get anything accomplished. I have helpers come to the house when I am not here and even then she prefers me. When I'm out of the room or the house, she's anxious and unable to relax. She freaks out and starts wanting to pace and asks over and over again for me. She will yell out if she finds herself alone even if it's only for me to shower or use the bathroom.

We actually just moved and chose a house perfect for her. She is in the living room which is connected directly to the kitchen so that when I'm in the kitchen she can see me. The bathroom is also connected which includes the laundry room. My bedroom is right off the kitchen and doesn't have a door so that she can hear me being nearby. This house was chosen so that she could basically be near me anytime I am home.

She used to do this to my mom when she was alive but luckily was able to transfer this clinginess to me since she was no longer with us.

I think it's normal. The doctor assures me that it's best to make sure to try to be available to her to keep her on schedule. I try to be around when naps and sleep are needed. I try to make sure in the afternoons I'm around since those are the worst times for her as well as the nights.

I do take breaks and have others around her during the mornings. She seems to recognize people even not knowing their names or who they are so having the same helper everyday helps. She doesn't want them exactly but will sometimes tolerate me being missing for an hour or two if they are in the room distracting her.

Mulata88, I'm thrilled that you found this thread! There's a lot of information on Agingcare and often even long time posters lose track of important threads

By now you know why your mom is clingy. Most of us would be clingy if our worlds were completely turned up side down and then spun around a few times. Your understanding why she does this won't stop her behavior but it will help you cope.

We're wishing you well as always,
Carol

Phoenixdaughter: Darn straight!

OMG!
I just found this thread, and I have been in the forum several months, looking and searching for a logical explanation of what is going on with my mom.

I am able to understand what she's going through.

Man, if she gets any clingier, she'll be sleeping in my bed, between hubby and I.

OMG
OMG
《《《《《《《《HUGS TO ALL》》》》》》》》》

M88

To Denette - hello, first of all! It's good that you told us some of how you are tied to your husbands needs, now that he is blind and has dementia! I was glad to hear at the end, that you are paying someone to shop, instead of taking him shopping. I find it is so important to manage my energy and spirits as a caregiver. Sometimes I need to submit my needs to provide care, but I make extra time to rest, especially, as that is the most beneficial activity I can find, so I try to nap if I need in the afternoon, and get to bed earlier at night.

Seems to me you also could use some in home help - but maybe you could ask at a school or society for the blind? I did live in help for a woman who went blind at 79 - I understood her fears, and used my efforts to help her with consistent paths through her home. Always helped her move from kitchen bench to the counter just across the small room, and from the counter, she could walk herself along the wall to the opening to the hall, reach across it to the next wall, and walk along that to the opening for the bathroom.

Working on teaching her the same paths every time (I find teaching routines reassuring to me too), but it helped her feel some measure of confidence that she had missed before. It takes much longer than people expect - too many helpers offer one-time solutions, or help physically, but guide people to stable furniture or paths - so that my main effort is to get them onto their path, and once they find some cues, they can do the rest themselves. It is no real help to have someone do something for you once, if you feel lost the next time. Of course there is memory loss, so that will happen, but building simple repetitive routines, helps someone develop better dependable success, even in small things. The blind woman got upset if a new aide changed the arrangement of her bathroom toiletries, thinking she was "tidying up" - for then she had no idea where to look with her hands, just to find the toothbrush and paste. Another woman with dementia got afraid before getting out of her recliner in her study, and yelled at everyone each night, but when pressed, she explained that she did not remember where her room was, or what was around the corner. I could only empathize with the fear, and also make sure she got up every night, and used her walker to get around the corner - for once she was there, she remembered the next parts, and got to the bathroom and ready for bed.

Castle --
You make an excellent point. My family members were very attentive for my 80th birthday, but less so as I approach 85 this spring.

I'll tell everyone what's worse than reaching 100 -

Reaching 101!

I felt so sad for a wonderful lady who was so pleased to find on her 100th birthday, that her entire family from far and wide arrived for a party that her aides and a neighbor put together for her. She suddenly felt important and valued, and this gave her some reassurance.

The next year however, no one called or wrote or came - we celebrate round numbers a whole lot more than any other number, and this poor woman felt she was put back into her place - that of being unimportant and invisible to family.

Maybe we should consider how to make smaller but beautiful parties, and invite different sections of the broader family, for events on other years or twice a year. Some other time to dress up the room and add flowers and candles and visitors!

Jude: I agree. 100 sucks!

I will be 85 soon and NO, I don't want to turn 100. Only one person on either side of my family has reached 90, and he has dementia. His wife told me not to call him anymore. I assume it's because (I observed) he can't really carry on a conversation. I feel as if he died. All three of my husbands died. The last one, who died in 2014, was six years younger than I am. Despite kidney disease, I am in fairly good health, and live alone. I don't want to know what the next step holds for me.

Llamalover NO NO NO NO NO. Id be content to go tomorrow.

Phew, what a h##l of a life old age can be reading these posts. Someone recently brought up the subject of turning 100. Does ANYONE really want to?

I am glad to be reading the answers to this questions. My husband calls out to me every time I leave the living room. He just doesn't want me out of his sight....what sight he has. He is blind in addition to the dememtia, so I know he is afraid at times...as I would be. There are many things I need to get done, but can't seem to manage getting much of anything done. I do taxes for more than 100 people and they are beginning to come with their paperwork. I feel so quilty for leaving my husband in the next room when I know he doesn't want to be left alone while I am in the office. Today he slept in is chair while I was with a couple of people. I do get a little upset to not even be able to get a bath or use the bathroom without him calling out to me the entire time. I long for a relaxing bath..... I don't have any family that can come to help and neither of us had children. I know what another person as talking about about it being lonely at times. My husband is pretty much afraid to get out and about so sometimes we go for a month without getting groceries. When we do go to the store he follows me with the mobility cart and yells for me te entire time, since he can't really see me...only in shadow.... I tell him we are turning either right or left into a new isle at the store, but he can't remember long enough to make the turn at times so I find myself tracking him down while he is yelling the entire time. I feel so sorry for him. He has always been the kindest most loving man and now people have been harsh with him for something he can't help. So....I have pretty much quit shopping and have started paying someone to shop for us. Well....now I am rambling about many problems other than the shadowing. How terrible to not feel safe alone in a room. Dementia and blindness are sure a cruel part of aging.

After reading these posts, I realize that during the last two years of my husband's life, when it was obvious he had Alzheimer's, I must have become so used to his needing my attention, that I'm now restless when I'm alone.

Well Mum, having whined about me making proper dinners and she doesn't want to eat anything now has carte blanche to eat cakes sweets biscuits and nothing else and what did she want for tea? Roast chicken! I give up....... I truly do

Well I knew something was up and sure enough it is. Mum was more clingy than usual refusing to eat anything that I wasn't eating and then this morning looked unwell behaved unwell but said when I asked for the fourth time that she was OK - NO SHE WASNT We all know what wellness looks like and that wasn't it. So I called out the docs. her lungs are filling with fluid and she has oedema BUT she was talkative positively happy when the doctor walked in the room.

SHOWTIMING - gosh I hate that so when he went to leave I asked some questions - like why do they showtime.? because they know a doctor can put them straight into a hospital or care with just one phone call

She's refusing to eat meals but will eat cakes biscuits sweets and sandwiches...what do I do? His reply? Give her eat cakes biscuits sweets and sandwiches ...she's not diabetic I was surprised. Like he said if she wants savoury she will eat it but if we switch her to drink permanently she will lose the capacity to eat...made sense.

Mum was almost glowing ....then he said I am going to prescribe some water tablets ....now she is positively vile again!!!!! so no mood swing there then!!!!!!!!

Yes. This is becoming more common as time goes on. My mom calls me when she doesn't see me from one room to another. She is with me now in Florida, but is due to go back home to New York in a few weeks. I fear for her when she is alone because she does not want anyone with her in her home. She refuses help of any kind except from her family and I need to be in Florida because of my husband's health condition. She won't go to my brother's, she won't stay with anyone other than me, she wants to go home...it's a dilemma.

My mom is 90 and in a nursing home i go everyday she is very clingy she has dementia and when I get there she starts yelling are you going to take me home I call her in her apartment I stay with her and I get her to bed in the eveningshe doesn't understand and she is very afraid it's very hard I have siblings that don't ever go to see her I am her voice and I know this so I do everything in my power to make sure my mom as comfortable as she can possibly be with this awful disease.so I truly understand all the pain and suffering the people go through there are days I think I can't take one more minute but I do it I just wish the staff at her facility could be a little bit more understanding with the residence

Such a good thread. I never thought about the clinginess being part of the dementia. Yes, she would be happy if I sat with her to watch tv all day.
One helpful thing I did was leave a note on the coffee maker, telling her where I was, and what time I was expected back. Of course, that's when she could tell time.
If I leave to run an errand and she's already awake, her behavior has changed. She looks hurt and disappointed when I go out - asking why, telling me to be careful. That look sometimes leaves me feeling guilty, but not for long. It is tiring, but so important to have a life.
Two months ago I returned to therapy for myself, trying to sort out what I needed to get my life back, and help prioritizing it all. It helps to have my aunts money to hire companions so I can get out! Good luck everyone.

Yes, they become clingy because they don't know what is happening to them, are scared and confused! Poor souls.

You know, I think he just doesn't know what to do with himself and by having me there, he can do what I am doing, just like he orders what I do at the restaurant. Making decisions is just too hard at this point.

My MIL became very clingy, too. She lived alone for 10 years after my FIL died; then moved in with us - and suddenly didn't EVER want to be alone anymore...and of course, after a few months, didn't want to go out either. (Which greatly limited our ability to continue to have lives.) We both work(ed) at home in separate offices. She was worst regarding my husband. If she hadn't seen or heard him for a while - even if she and I were sitting together, she'd ask where he was. Initially I'd take a look around and report back to her, but after a while I just said that I didn't know but I was sure he was home/somewhere around the house. In other words, I started to refuse to pander to her anxiety. (She was perfectly capable of getting up and looking around to find him.)

She also started asking when he was coming home 15 minutes after he went anywhere (e.g., the market, a dental appt, etc). Whatever I said, she'd act like that was SOOOOO long - so I'd go through the whole scenario with her: how long it takes to drive there, how long the process/activity would reasonably take, the drive home. That seemed to work pretty well. Then when/if she asked again, I'd say that we just went through that, and he;'d be back by X:00 am or pm. And she'd say, oh, right. (Because she didn't want to admit that she couldn't remember.)

When my husband came home, she'd say how much she missed him - which would annoy him greatly. It got to the point that he really became angry because he felt like he couldn't go into the basement, our yard or another floor of the house for any period of time. I had forgotten this aspect (of clingyness) - must have started to block it out, until this question arrived. Now I realize that it was one of the main issues that resulted in his/our deciding that she had to move into a memory care facility. It was like feeling a net tightening around one's life, making it smaller and smaller. Zoloft was a help, but not the answer.

She is MUCH better at her "cottage" of just 20 people with dementia, where there are organized activities and she is forced to live by a schedule. We see that she is much less demanding there, and has made a number of new friends (even if she can't recall their names!).

To sum it up: Yes, the clingyness will likely get worse. Yes, they are afraid. No you can't expect to live like this for very long and keep your sanity. Get some good drugs (for the one you're caring for, if not yourself too!) and start to make a transition plan. Everything changes all the time. You can take action to guide a more positive change as you go through this part of your life.

Shadowing doesn't explain why she won't sit in other rooms in order to "shadow"

Question for Salisbury. In your post you indicated things got pretty bad until you got your loved one on the right medication. Perhaps you would share what that medication is!

Two people I know who developed some stage of dementia were to some degree clingy, So from my personal experience I would definitely have to say yes on this one. One of the last people I knew with dementia didn't even want me to go home, and he even wanted me to live with him and it didn't fly well with me because it never happened. However, I did sit with him as much as I possibly could until it started interfering with my need to live my own life. When it started interfering with my personal life, I had to step back to a point. The person what is eventually put into a nursing home, but he later died and was recently dispositioned a few weeks ago

Dad at age 90, still lives independently in his own home, but on same property as my husband and I. He rarely comes over to our home anymore, preferring to "stay at home alone". When we do get him here, it is only after repeated insistence that he agrees to make the walk down his ramp, across the drive and then up our ramp. Once here he wants to go back home so he can "be alone". However, when we are at his home, he doesn't want us to leave him.
A similar situation occurs on the infrequent occasion when family comes to visit from out of town. He will come over and understandably want to go home alone as anything or anyone out of his normal routine confuses him, yet he wants one of us to stay with him until guests (family he has forgotten) have gone.
If we are spending any time outdoors, he will sit on his porch and watch, but steadfastly refuses to come over and participate in any activities.
Then there was an electric grocery cart situation where he was so close that he actually pinned me to a shelf and was unable to figure out how to put it into reverse. Thank goodness another shopper was able to reach the control!
So clingy to a degree, but also frightened enough to want to remain alone.
It's so heartbreaking . . .

I'm not looking forward to this. I did know something was going on when a few years back we went away and Mom was telling all her friends she couldn't wait for me to get home. Up until then, I would go on vacation and not call anyone. I was on vacation. At this point she watches everything I do if I'm in the same room. This bugs me. Following me will be worse. Can't take people right there when I turn around.

My Mom has dementia and she is clingy as well. She's also very active and healthy physically, so she does best when we have things to do. Perhaps you should tell your Mom that you need help in the kitchen, sit her at the table with some napkins to fold while you do the dishes. If she doesn't want to get up, bring the napkins to her, or ask her to match the laundry socks or some task. That sort of thing seems to work great with my Mom. My Mom was always a "do-er" as am I, so doing tasks, running errands, small projects really help her feel even keeled. Sitting down is what drives her crazy.

I don't know about dementia,but my Mom couldn't breathe either and she never wanted me out of her sight.I know she must have been scared .....of dying and being alone when it comes.Consider yourself very loved and adored.You are doing a great job,I am sure.I'm sorry you are going through this.

I can relate, as my husband now likes to watch my t.v. programs at night unless it really is something he doesn't like (I like to watch the autopsy show describing medical issues since I'm a nurse & the home improvement shows). We all get lonely, and it reminds me of the baby who when mother disappears they think mom is never coming back. My husband will come looking for me when he doesn't know where I am, or I make sure I tell him (but he will forget, so when I leave the house I write it out and put it on his desk). This condition worsens, so love her for the time she has left and be grateful having her near.