Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
jeannne, LOL NO not on the day of the wedding, but after the wedding and honeymoon trip, she could pack up the gown/veil/shoes and drive 7 hours to see her grandma. She could go to another room, dress up and then pose with grandma for some wonderful pictures. If I was grandma, that would be all I would ask, just to see her and stand beside her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Your daughter and her husband to be decide who's on the guest list.

You are organising the wedding? - so you issue invitations, deal with seating arrangements, provide information about accommodation, transport links, etc. etc.

Your husband, with POA for his mother, is responsible for administering her finances and overseeing her living arrangements to ensure her safety, wellbeing and general quality of life.

The person or persons therefore appointed by your husband to support your MIL in her day to day life, if they are doing their job properly, are responsible for making suitable transport and accommodation arrangements and accompanying her as necessary. In the ideal scenario, they ought to be capable of facilitating her attendance at a major family event if asked to: whether or not they actually are might be a different matter, and in any case it's for your daughter and the family to decide whether or not her grandmother's being there is a priority or not.

But the main point is that the logistical and planning headaches, as per the schedule of responsibilities above, are not your problem. Send MIL her invitation, if that is what your daughter wants. Assist with information if asked. That's your lot.

The broader issue of your husband's finding his POA responsibilities onerous because of the distance needs sorting. But perhaps not right now? And anyway not by you - by him, with your sympathetic support.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

That is a wonderful story, Pam! But travelling 7 hours to show Gram the wedding outfits might be a bit much!

I watched my granddaughter get married on my computer. It was a very small "destination" wedding, and that is how she wanted it. It was nice to see it. She lives close so I see her often.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Youngest son ( the one living in the land of denial) should be delegated the assignment of bringing MIL to the wedding. Tell him you'll get him the number of a local home health care agency so he can hire an aide to stay with her, but bringing in her and getting her back is HIS job. When mil calls you, refer her to her other son. This is not your husband's job to do.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

In THREE YEARS, your daughter couldn't travel to see her grandmother?

Then obviously, there is no relationship between them. Do airplanes come into the city you live in?

It was only a six hour drive from our home to the city my daughter lived in (and got married in). Some drove, but her grandparents and great-grandparents flew. Son in Law's grandparents flew cross country. All of us "out of towners" stayed in the same hotel overnight then left the next day. It was so much fun. It'll be 27 years in June, and they're still together.

Glasshalffull, I like the idea of the computer hook-up, though.
Kilts & bagpipes, bet you had a great time. You did have bagpipes, right?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

There are agencies that can provide this coverage so you don't have to do double duty.

Also you can look into using technology so you Father can see the wedding. A good friend of my son was overseas for the wedding and could not come. Another friend used her cell phone and the friend in Europe got to see the ring bearer run down the aisle in his Kilt and hear and see the vows. Kids (other grandchildren) could organize this fairly easily and someone local to your father could help him with the TV/Appletalk connection on his end. No special connections are really needed other than a WIFI connection.

Check it out.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

In 1972, my grandmother did not come to my wedding. I did go see her in my wedding dress and she was just thrilled. So just do it that way. Have the bride go see her in full regalia. Leave it at at that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

My son got married last spring. My mom who was almost 90 went to the wedding. I originally planned to hire a 24/7 attendant...I am sorry that I did not. Even if only for the service and reception, it would have taken a bit of the strain off me. (Like getting a sitter for the kids - except "Nana" can go to the reception if she wants.) I had to leave the reception early and by the time I got her settled down and got back many friends had left. But the party went on. It was great. It was a hassle sometimes but I am glad she made it to the wedding! and she is in the pictures...and her grandson pushed her wheel chair down the aisle before taking his place. Them men wore Kilts and mom had a scarf with her grandson's colors pinned to her dress. She is the only grandparent that either the bride or groom have.

My has some short term memory issues and anxiety issues. It was very important to have the correct medications ...Mom doesn't have real memories of the service etc. But she knows she was there.

One problem we had was the Inn where the wedding and reception took place had handicapped rooms but the beds were WAY TO TALL (really not low beds!) and the floor in the bathrooms was a tile that was not great with walkers.
We should have gotten a roll away bed because it would have been lower. (one more thing to put on my travel list).

Now we are waiting for the birth of her first great grandson (second great grandchild)...my first grandchild, end of April or beginning of May. Something else Mom can live for.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My first thought was if there was no problem transporting her, then let her come. Finding someone to be with her should be pretty simple. Getting here there and back would be the biggest challenge, in my mind. You and hubby will be busy with the wedding. I bet others would be glad to step up and take your MIL under their wing for the event. I don't envy you, though, for arranging to get her there and back.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I have been married 32 years and my grandmother made no effort to get to my wedding and it was only 65 miles. The bride should decide, but it is nice to have grandma in the pictures. (I agree that it should not be left to you.)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I may have answered this somewhere else, but this thread is slightly confusing. My daughter would love to have her grandmother attend, but is realistic about the situation. She has not seen her grandmother in about 3 years (that was the last time she felt like she could make the car journey to our home and deal with steps) so she hasn't actually witnessed the decline in her grandmother's cognitive world. But she's well aware of it through phone calls and what we've told her about the last couple of years. My father may also have to miss the wedding as his wife has Alzheimer's and probably won't be able to travel. He'll be disappointed, but he has to do what he has to do. Let me add, that we have offered to move mom to our city but she has always refused. That's fine. That's her decision. But I don't like the manipulative crap she's pulling, whether it's intentional or not. My husband is so stressed from having to manage all her affairs long-distance it worries me. POA, selling her house, paying her bills, etc...I want my daughter and future son-in-law to enjoy their day with all the parents.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I also am wondering if your daughter would like her grandmother there. Are no other relatives invited that could look out for your MIL? And would her absence be perceived as an insult and create conflict within the family? I don't think anyone expects you or your husband to personally escort her on such a busy day, but txcamper's idea of hiring a helper seems to me to be a good one.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

How does the bride feel about having her grandmother there?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If your MIL lives 7 hours away and none of her 3 sons is responsible for her day to day care, who is? If she needs someone constantly at the wedding, then she probably needs someone constantly now. Who is taking care of your MIL?

Can that person or people accompany her to your town for the wedding and stay with her in a hotel? Personally, my daughter would move heaven and earth to have her grandmother at her wedding. Four months is still a ways off and, of course, her health (mental and physical) could decline, but if she's crying wanting to come, then she's still cognizant enough to know she's being excluded and that has to hurt.

Quite frankly, dementia moves at different speeds. We are on year 7 of having MIL out of her own home and into ours and she still knows everyone. She may not be able to pull everyone's name out of the fog, especially if she doesn't see them regularly, but she knows them. However she can't remember whether or not she ate a meal a few minutes ago. Seriously, she will get up from the table and a few minutes later ask if we are going to eat. My cooking is obviously very memorable.

And this is just my personal observation, take it or leave it. If you are a wreck four months before the wedding, you will have alienated everyone by the big day. NO wedding is worth that. Delegate the details to a wedding planner, don't have a more expensive wedding than you can comfortably afford and ENJOY your time with your daughter before she moves on to a new chapter of her life.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter