Wedding approaching. What to do about Mom?

If your MIL lives 7 hours away and none of her 3 sons is responsible for her day to day care, who is? If she needs someone constantly at the wedding, then she probably needs someone constantly now. Who is taking care of your MIL?

Can that person or people accompany her to your town for the wedding and stay with her in a hotel? Personally, my daughter would move heaven and earth to have her grandmother at her wedding. Four months is still a ways off and, of course, her health (mental and physical) could decline, but if she's crying wanting to come, then she's still cognizant enough to know she's being excluded and that has to hurt.

Quite frankly, dementia moves at different speeds. We are on year 7 of having MIL out of her own home and into ours and she still knows everyone. She may not be able to pull everyone's name out of the fog, especially if she doesn't see them regularly, but she knows them. However she can't remember whether or not she ate a meal a few minutes ago. Seriously, she will get up from the table and a few minutes later ask if we are going to eat. My cooking is obviously very memorable.

And this is just my personal observation, take it or leave it. If you are a wreck four months before the wedding, you will have alienated everyone by the big day. NO wedding is worth that. Delegate the details to a wedding planner, don't have a more expensive wedding than you can comfortably afford and ENJOY your time with your daughter before she moves on to a new chapter of her life.

How does the bride feel about having her grandmother there?

I also am wondering if your daughter would like her grandmother there. Are no other relatives invited that could look out for your MIL? And would her absence be perceived as an insult and create conflict within the family? I don't think anyone expects you or your husband to personally escort her on such a busy day, but txcamper's idea of hiring a helper seems to me to be a good one.

I may have answered this somewhere else, but this thread is slightly confusing. My daughter would love to have her grandmother attend, but is realistic about the situation. She has not seen her grandmother in about 3 years (that was the last time she felt like she could make the car journey to our home and deal with steps) so she hasn't actually witnessed the decline in her grandmother's cognitive world. But she's well aware of it through phone calls and what we've told her about the last couple of years. My father may also have to miss the wedding as his wife has Alzheimer's and probably won't be able to travel. He'll be disappointed, but he has to do what he has to do. Let me add, that we have offered to move mom to our city but she has always refused. That's fine. That's her decision. But I don't like the manipulative crap she's pulling, whether it's intentional or not. My husband is so stressed from having to manage all her affairs long-distance it worries me. POA, selling her house, paying her bills, etc...I want my daughter and future son-in-law to enjoy their day with all the parents.

I have been married 32 years and my grandmother made no effort to get to my wedding and it was only 65 miles. The bride should decide, but it is nice to have grandma in the pictures. (I agree that it should not be left to you.)

My first thought was if there was no problem transporting her, then let her come. Finding someone to be with her should be pretty simple. Getting here there and back would be the biggest challenge, in my mind. You and hubby will be busy with the wedding. I bet others would be glad to step up and take your MIL under their wing for the event. I don't envy you, though, for arranging to get her there and back.

My son got married last spring. My mom who was almost 90 went to the wedding. I originally planned to hire a 24/7 attendant...I am sorry that I did not. Even if only for the service and reception, it would have taken a bit of the strain off me. (Like getting a sitter for the kids - except "Nana" can go to the reception if she wants.) I had to leave the reception early and by the time I got her settled down and got back many friends had left. But the party went on. It was great. It was a hassle sometimes but I am glad she made it to the wedding! and she is in the pictures...and her grandson pushed her wheel chair down the aisle before taking his place. Them men wore Kilts and mom had a scarf with her grandson's colors pinned to her dress. She is the only grandparent that either the bride or groom have.

My has some short term memory issues and anxiety issues. It was very important to have the correct medications ...Mom doesn't have real memories of the service etc. But she knows she was there.

One problem we had was the Inn where the wedding and reception took place had handicapped rooms but the beds were WAY TO TALL (really not low beds!) and the floor in the bathrooms was a tile that was not great with walkers.
We should have gotten a roll away bed because it would have been lower. (one more thing to put on my travel list).

Now we are waiting for the birth of her first great grandson (second great grandchild)...my first grandchild, end of April or beginning of May. Something else Mom can live for.

In 1972, my grandmother did not come to my wedding. I did go see her in my wedding dress and she was just thrilled. So just do it that way. Have the bride go see her in full regalia. Leave it at at that.

There are agencies that can provide this coverage so you don't have to do double duty.

Also you can look into using technology so you Father can see the wedding. A good friend of my son was overseas for the wedding and could not come. Another friend used her cell phone and the friend in Europe got to see the ring bearer run down the aisle in his Kilt and hear and see the vows. Kids (other grandchildren) could organize this fairly easily and someone local to your father could help him with the TV/Appletalk connection on his end. No special connections are really needed other than a WIFI connection.

Check it out.

In THREE YEARS, your daughter couldn't travel to see her grandmother?

Then obviously, there is no relationship between them. Do airplanes come into the city you live in?

It was only a six hour drive from our home to the city my daughter lived in (and got married in). Some drove, but her grandparents and great-grandparents flew. Son in Law's grandparents flew cross country. All of us "out of towners" stayed in the same hotel overnight then left the next day. It was so much fun. It'll be 27 years in June, and they're still together.

Glasshalffull, I like the idea of the computer hook-up, though.
Kilts & bagpipes, bet you had a great time. You did have bagpipes, right?

Youngest son ( the one living in the land of denial) should be delegated the assignment of bringing MIL to the wedding. Tell him you'll get him the number of a local home health care agency so he can hire an aide to stay with her, but bringing in her and getting her back is HIS job. When mil calls you, refer her to her other son. This is not your husband's job to do.

That is a wonderful story, Pam! But travelling 7 hours to show Gram the wedding outfits might be a bit much!

I watched my granddaughter get married on my computer. It was a very small "destination" wedding, and that is how she wanted it. It was nice to see it. She lives close so I see her often.

Your daughter and her husband to be decide who's on the guest list.

You are organising the wedding? - so you issue invitations, deal with seating arrangements, provide information about accommodation, transport links, etc. etc.

Your husband, with POA for his mother, is responsible for administering her finances and overseeing her living arrangements to ensure her safety, wellbeing and general quality of life.

The person or persons therefore appointed by your husband to support your MIL in her day to day life, if they are doing their job properly, are responsible for making suitable transport and accommodation arrangements and accompanying her as necessary. In the ideal scenario, they ought to be capable of facilitating her attendance at a major family event if asked to: whether or not they actually are might be a different matter, and in any case it's for your daughter and the family to decide whether or not her grandmother's being there is a priority or not.

But the main point is that the logistical and planning headaches, as per the schedule of responsibilities above, are not your problem. Send MIL her invitation, if that is what your daughter wants. Assist with information if asked. That's your lot.

The broader issue of your husband's finding his POA responsibilities onerous because of the distance needs sorting. But perhaps not right now? And anyway not by you - by him, with your sympathetic support.

jeannne, LOL NO not on the day of the wedding, but after the wedding and honeymoon trip, she could pack up the gown/veil/shoes and drive 7 hours to see her grandma. She could go to another room, dress up and then pose with grandma for some wonderful pictures. If I was grandma, that would be all I would ask, just to see her and stand beside her.

Hey Folks, No judgment, please!!!! WE are the only part of the family who has always made the effort to see my in-laws. After my father-in-law died we would either drive and bring her to our house or we would fly her up. There are no longer direct flights, so the drive is only slightly longer than flying. When our children were in college they had the time to go visit her on their own. She loved it. But they both work and don't get much vacation time yet. She will no longer fly as it causes great anxiety for her. The only family that is left is her brother who has Alzheimer's and her other 2 sons. The oldest son cut ties with his family 4 years ago and the youngest son is "too busy". As in my husband has to remind him to CALL his mother more than once a month. As she likes to remind us, she has no family where she lives. They moved constantly when they were growing up so none of her children ended up in the same city has the parents. My husband and I haven't had a vacation in 3 years because all of our time has been spent travelling to her hometown to deal with her issues. I have suggested to my daughter that the two of us try to fit a visit in before the wedding. But first, I have to fly 1500 miles to see my dad and step-mom and assist in that situation. My husband will see her in 2 weeks to be at the closing of her house and to let her know that her doctor wants her to move to assisted living.

ErniesMum, from what you're describing it sounds like a technology hookup might be just what you need. Have someone setup a site with live video feed and people can be at the wedding even if they live miles away. The main problem then would be to have someone come in to help pull up the site if loved ones are techno-challenged.

Thanks. I'm thinking the technology route might work best for us. I'll have my husband talk to someone where she's going to be living to see if they could work with us. My son's partner could probably work if from our end.

Not that I'm a fan of uprooting little old ladies only on the grounds of convenience, but with no family remaining where she is and the difficulty of frequent visiting, what ties her to her current location? Just nostalgia, or friends and connections?

Little old ladies! I resemble that remark. :P

We're having difficulty determining what is fact and what is delusion in her life right now. Yes, she has an emotional tie to the area. She wanted to die in the house she shared with her husband but was too physically fit for that to occur. Let me add that I worked in a number of SNF's before I had kids. I'm the one who thinks her dementia is far worse than anyone else. But I think it's because I'm looking at her a tad more objectively and I've dealt with it on a professional level in the past. We would absolutely support her staying in her hometown, but then she has to accept that we can't go see her every month. And I think she's too confused to realize that.

It is the bride who needs to decide and communicate her decision to granny.
She is adult enough to marry, she is adult enough to manage her familial relationships....it only gets more complex with in laws.
Choice A. Relative x and nursing assistant (if needed) will be picking you up. I have made arrangements for you to stay with relative Y and return the next day.
Choice B. I love you so much, and am sorry we cannot work out the care and travel logistics to have you attend. Hubby and I would like to visit you after the honeymoon. We very much want your blessing......plan a weekend and do it.
Choice C. Bride chooses to forget and ignore granny. Not classy, not nice, but not your fault.

I'm beginning to realize that many people here A) Have much larger and helpful families and B) Live in closer proximity to their families. As it is, we have the potential for 120 out-of-towners coming to this wedding as the bride and groom don't live here and the groom's family is not from here either. Due to finances, we are also giving the rehearsal dinner. This is my hometown and I only have an Aunt/Uncle and 2 cousins with spouses in-town to invite. So, part of our dilemma is the sense that we will be entertaining LOTS of people completely unfamiliar with our lovely city. Given the choices listed above, I know my daughter will choose B and then feel horrible about it. She's just an extra-sensitive people pleaser who hates the idea of hurting anyone. She did say SHE would call her uncle and ask him to bring Grandma. I hope he'll shock us an agree to it but I'm not holding out much hope. Thanks, everyone for your perspective.

My daughter got married last June. My mother, who suffers from dementia, lives in an Assisted Living facility about 10 miles from the wedding/reception site. I hired a caregiver who worked at the facility to help my mother prepare for the wedding (I laid out her clothing, shoes, etc in advance), drive her to the site, and accompany her during the ceremony and reception. I did this mainly so my daughter's only grandparent would be there and appear in the family pictures. We arranged the picture schedule to minimize the time that my mom would be waiting around. When mom arrived at the wedding site and saw my daughter, she said "why that looks like a wedding dress". She obviously didn't understand why she was there. Soon after dinner, she asked to leave, and the caregiver took her home. She does not remember being at the wedding, and does not remember that this daughter is married. I cannot even say with any confidence that she enjoyed being there. If I had it to do again (I don't because both daughters are married), I am not sure that I would include her.

If your MIL has not visited for three years because the drive is too much for her, what makes her think that it would be good for her now? My advice is to use the technology hookup if possible, and also to record the ceremony and maybe add some snippets of family members greeting her. Send her a copy that she can watch over and over, because it will be like a new "movie" for her each time. I cannot think that she would enjoy herself at the wedding after such a long drive, and chances are she would not remember it anyway.

I expect you're right - or at least part confusion, part wishful thinking. I suppose we all would like to have our cake and eat it; it's just that with certain people as time goes on they seem to start regarding that as an actual, realistic prospect…

With my mother, before she was persuaded to move, she wanted to stay in her house, be safe - which meant be capable of galloping up and down three flights of steep stairs - be by herself and not be lonely. Seemed reasonable to her.

If you're right about the dementia, perhaps it would be best to counsel your husband to take the safety catch off his POA and be ready to pounce as soon as she seems to have lost capacity. That, or hope that something not lethal but serious happens so that you have sound grounds for moving her. But everyday caregiving long distance - unless she's got so much money you can hire masses of help for her - must be like trying to knit with boxing gloves on, I don't envy the poor chap.

The irony of the situation is she has plenty of money, but is afraid of using any of it. She recently lost her hearing aids and didn't want to get new ones. We insisted because she's virtually deaf without them. Now she's lost her glasses but missed her eye appointment because she didn't want to use the money to have someone drive her to and from the appointment. Her physician talked to my husband and said she's forgetting to take her meds so I think the powers-that-be are going to insist she move to assisted living. Yesterday was the first time she hasn't mentioned the wedding, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will continue down that road. I just want her to have some peace of mind in her remaining years.

I realized after reading my original post, I never explained her living situation. We FINALLY convinced her to move last spring. She currently lives in an independent senior apartment building that is part of a campus that includes all levels of care. We are now facing the task of convincing her to move to assisted living (where she probably should have gone initially) as her dementia increases. I realized last March when I went to visit that she was becoming downright nasty at times. I know that's a red flag for Alzheimer's/Dementia but she seemed to successfully hide it from her doctor. Doctor now wants her to move to assisted living but she says she "may as well just die". This 86-year-old woman is not the kind lady I met 30+ years ago, and I truly think she's miserable and profoundly depressed. Personally, I think a nice glass of wine would do wonders for her!

Can you get her in to see a geriatric psychiatrist? Certainly, if this is a continuing care community there is one who sees patients on site. She might become more tractable and easier to deal with if she's on antidepressants for a few weeks.

My oldest son got married 5 months ago. He was extremely close to both my parents, and has helped out my mom quite a lot since my dad passed in 2006. That said, I made the decision for my 94-yr old mom with dementia to not attend the wedding.

Since the ceremony & reception was held at a place that is about 45 minutes from my mom's house, it would be OK travel wise for Mom to go. And initially she was going to be there, with her aide accompanying her. Well, 2 months before the wedding Mom became increasingly anxious about it. I wouldn't bring it up, but she would obsess about it to me and everyone else.

Finally I realized her being there wouldn't be good for anyone, especially her. So we would just say yes he is getting married "later in the year". Not having any grasp of time was a blessing for once. The Monday after he got married I saw Mom. When she brought it up, I then told her he got married the past weekend and it was her choice not to attend because it would be too much. Technically this wasn't a lie, as during some of the many times she obsessed about it she did say that. That appeased her, as did some pics I brought with me.

Oh, it was for the best she didn't go. It was an outdoor ceremony & was unseasonably warm for the last weekend in September. My youngest son, one of the ushers, fainted during his brother's vows. He, accompanied by my husband, spent most of the time in the ER. Though she does love to hear that part of the story!

My mother who is 83 is wheelchair bound and when my daughter got married, I simply told her that her daily aide would have to come to the wedding no further discussion was needed. I was determined to enjoy the wedding without the worry of how my mother would get there, get around the wedding etc. It worked out for everyone and the wedding was wonderful.

My friend's mom was very ill with cancer and they knew the wedding for her grand daughter would be physically too much for her. They rented a motor home for the day. The bride had her make up done on the motor home and grandma got to be a part of the preparation as much as she could. When it was time for the ceremony they filmed it and she watched from the motor home. She could lay down and rest and they were prepared if she just needed to sleep. This may not work for you, but perhaps you could arrange for someone to be with her during wedding time at her home. She could get prettied up, have a corsage, watch a live taping and have a special wedding cupcake.