Wedding approaching. What to do about Mom?

If your MIL lives 7 hours away and none of her 3 sons is responsible for her day to day care, who is? If she needs someone constantly at the wedding, then she probably needs someone constantly now. Who is taking care of your MIL?

Can that person or people accompany her to your town for the wedding and stay with her in a hotel? Personally, my daughter would move heaven and earth to have her grandmother at her wedding. Four months is still a ways off and, of course, her health (mental and physical) could decline, but if she's crying wanting to come, then she's still cognizant enough to know she's being excluded and that has to hurt.

Quite frankly, dementia moves at different speeds. We are on year 7 of having MIL out of her own home and into ours and she still knows everyone. She may not be able to pull everyone's name out of the fog, especially if she doesn't see them regularly, but she knows them. However she can't remember whether or not she ate a meal a few minutes ago. Seriously, she will get up from the table and a few minutes later ask if we are going to eat. My cooking is obviously very memorable.

And this is just my personal observation, take it or leave it. If you are a wreck four months before the wedding, you will have alienated everyone by the big day. NO wedding is worth that. Delegate the details to a wedding planner, don't have a more expensive wedding than you can comfortably afford and ENJOY your time with your daughter before she moves on to a new chapter of her life.

I am a Social Worker at an Adult Day Health and am constantly amazed at how families try to "reason" with someone with dementia. You may be able to do that, to some extent, during the early stages of the disease. You will not be able to reason past a certain point. It makes me sad to see so much shaming in these comments. The relationships and how they are conducted are not ours to decide. The MIL was given a chance to move to be nearer to her children, but she chose not to, for whatever reason. My sisters and I also gave that choice to our father, who lives 3 hours away from us. We understand his reason not to move, but we have decided that we cannot caregive from a distance and will not be coerced into doing so. We have arranged many services from a distance, but there will be that time when he cannot live safely in his home alone. None of us can constantly travel to his home to "oversee" his care and he cannot drive himself to family events; therefore, he may miss some family gatherings. We care about him and try to include him whenever possible, but we will not do headstands to appease him because he's very demanding and will not pay for a person to come in and help him. It was his choice not to move closer (he does not have dementia.) In this situation, worrying about the MIL is clearly causing the DIL anxiety. Please tell the MIL that she lives too far to attend the wedding and offer to send pictures as soon as you can get them. Period. Don't let this blow up into "shoulds" and further create family disturbances. You are planning your daughter's wedding and attempting to create maximum happiness! Don't let people "guilt" you about your MIL! Reassure her that you love her, but don't listen to her attempts to shame you for not "caring." Simply tell her you can't be on the phone any more and softly hang up. To txcamper: to infer that there is no relationship between the dtr. and grandmother because the dtr. hasn't been to see the grandmother in 3 years is wrong. Many people have good relationships from a distance.

Just an update on the situation. My dh went to see his mom last week. As usual, doing lots of tasks (closing of her home, trying to get tax info she's "misplaced", taking her to the doctor. Over the 4 days she: Asked if our daughter was getting married in March, asked if our daughter had a boyfriend, then asked if her oldest granddaughter was getting married. My daughter decided she really doesn't want her to come (I think because she understands how much stress and work it would create for us) and will go visit Grandma with her new husband next summer. I realize that aging throws us curveballs. Sometimes we can catch them and sometimes we just have to duck.

In 1972, my grandmother did not come to my wedding. I did go see her in my wedding dress and she was just thrilled. So just do it that way. Have the bride go see her in full regalia. Leave it at at that.

How does the bride feel about having her grandmother there?

There are agencies that can provide this coverage so you don't have to do double duty.

Also you can look into using technology so you Father can see the wedding. A good friend of my son was overseas for the wedding and could not come. Another friend used her cell phone and the friend in Europe got to see the ring bearer run down the aisle in his Kilt and hear and see the vows. Kids (other grandchildren) could organize this fairly easily and someone local to your father could help him with the TV/Appletalk connection on his end. No special connections are really needed other than a WIFI connection.

Check it out.

Youngest son ( the one living in the land of denial) should be delegated the assignment of bringing MIL to the wedding. Tell him you'll get him the number of a local home health care agency so he can hire an aide to stay with her, but bringing in her and getting her back is HIS job. When mil calls you, refer her to her other son. This is not your husband's job to do.

Not that I'm a fan of uprooting little old ladies only on the grounds of convenience, but with no family remaining where she is and the difficulty of frequent visiting, what ties her to her current location? Just nostalgia, or friends and connections?

The irony of the situation is she has plenty of money, but is afraid of using any of it. She recently lost her hearing aids and didn't want to get new ones. We insisted because she's virtually deaf without them. Now she's lost her glasses but missed her eye appointment because she didn't want to use the money to have someone drive her to and from the appointment. Her physician talked to my husband and said she's forgetting to take her meds so I think the powers-that-be are going to insist she move to assisted living. Yesterday was the first time she hasn't mentioned the wedding, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will continue down that road. I just want her to have some peace of mind in her remaining years.

Can you get her in to see a geriatric psychiatrist? Certainly, if this is a continuing care community there is one who sees patients on site. She might become more tractable and easier to deal with if she's on antidepressants for a few weeks.