Difficult to get Mother to consent to nursing home. Any advice?

It's usually a major fall that necessitates entrance to a nursing home. My mother refused to use her rolling walker in the house and got about holding on to the walls and furniture. She fell frequently and I could get her up if she co-operated. Eventually she fell one evening and I got her up and into bed. At 2 a.m. I got up for some reason, heard a big bang and found her on the den floor in a pool of blood and incoherent. From hip surgeries over the years and a bad back I couldn't get her up and she was taken to hospital by ambulance. She was 86, had parkinsons for 15 years, dementia and had had many strokes. Obviously I couldn't care for her alone 24/7 any more so after a month in hospital she went into a lovely nursing home.

Not long after she fell trying to hide a protein shake on top of the wardrobe so staff wouldn't know she didn't drink it, broke her hip and from that point on she was in a wheelchair, unable to stand alone though, due to the dementia, she often tried to get out of bed, ended up on the floor and was taken to the ER.

There comes a time when skilled nursing care is needed 24/7. No one person can do it alone. In the nursing home my mother was clean, fed and safe and the staff were wonderful.

Ashlynne is right. Sometimes you have to step back and let the "bad thing" happen for things to get taken care of.

Thanks ashlynne. My mom did have a fall that resulted in a chopped #2 vertebrea. Stayed at a rehab unit of an SNF but they still sent her home in a neck brace based on physical evaluations and a home eval even though it's a 2 story unit that she has to go up and down a few times a day. I took time away from work to help her then flew my brother out from Florida to help while i went back to work and stayed at my girlfriends house so he could have my bedroom (2 bdrm unit) Now he says he can't do it anymore. There was a time that I was so proud to tell people that mom and I live together because I'm trying to keep her out of a nursing home. Today I quit my job and probably lost my wonderful girlfriend because I have to take care of my mom. She wont consent although i am going to keep trying to talk her into it. Its going to be rough financially and otherwise. Starting to feel depressed already. Thanks again ashlynne

I meant chipped vertebrea.

But even if she falls and breaks a leg and goes to a SNF for rehab I think she can still refuse to consent to permanently stay. POA doesn't work if she can speak for herself. Can't afford guardianship. And then I have to take care of the extra precautions and follow up appts, etc. I love my mom and she isn't mean. Can be manipulative sometimes.

Thanks to you too babalou!

Did your mother consent to go to the nursing home? Was she able to soak for herself? Did she have good health ins? Single room or shared room? Glad she is taken care of. Is she happy enough there?

If you don't mind me asking, wilhens - how old are you? What type of work did you do?

Wilhens, do you live with your mom? Or she with you?

Sometimes we have to tell the people we love that we can't give them what they need, that it's beyond our capacity. It's not about how much or whether we love them, it's about self preservation. Have you had this conversation with your mother? What was her response ?

Can you undo the resigning from your job?

Can your mother afford to pay for in-home nursing and personal care?

The thing is, your mother has every right to insist on remaining in her home. But she has no right at all, and no legal power, to force you to do the caregiving. So if you can't or you refuse to (easier said than done, I know), her remaining option is to buy in the services that she needs. Is that a possibility?

Countrymouse is absolutely right. What I have learned through 5 years of caregiving is that, while I have no right to tell anybody else what to do, I have every right to decide what I will and will not do.

Many times our parents can be selfish and manipulative. They can also become so set in their ways that the idea of change is just unthinkable to them.

Your mother may be thinking that no sacrifice you could make could possibly equate to the hardship for her of having to go into a nursing home. Too any people give up relationships and jobs to care for elderly parents, then after their parents die they end up facing their own old age broke and alone.

Your mother will have to accept that her need for care cannot be allowed to take over your life. She either has to pay for help at home or go into a facility.

Great comments and discussion. Yes I was living with my mom (see previous entry)then she had a low thyroid condition that caused lethargy and affected her mental processes so I flew brother out from Florida so I could go back to work (I stayed with girlfriend so brother could have my bedroom) now he says he can't do it. So I thought I had to quit job to care for her. To be honest I don't mind getting a different job. The one I had was 11 hrs a day and had to be at work everyday at 4am. Don't I have to be concerned about being charged with abandonment or neglect? My girlfriend might let me move back in with her and get a different job. My mom doesn't want to go to a nursing home. She can't afford in home care. She was in a neck brace for awhile after one fall now she has an arm brace after a fall on the ice. She snuck out when noone was looking to throw a tiny bag of trash from restroom into outside dumpster in front of apt. She knows she could have just left that bag by the door for me or brother to throw. At my wits end.

Ashlynne there were some questions for you in an earlier post of mine regarding whether or not your mother consented and was she able to speak (not soak) for herself.

Rainmom, answers to your 2 questions:I am 54 yrs old. I was working production manufacturing energy related products.

Babalou I have had somewhat meaningful conversations with my mom regarding nursing homes but not much about admitting to her that I can't take care of her the way she wants. I will be doing that more and will be trying to find the right words to communicate all that. Such a sad and difficult process all of this is!

As far as being charged with neglect or abandonment, I think that's unlikely as long as your mother still can speak for herself and is ambulatory, as she appears to be. You can still check in on her (I assume) and make sure she has heat and food in the house without quitting your job to wait on her hand and foot.

From what you've said, it seems to me the question of a nursing home might actually be moot. Clearly she can't afford to self-pay, and Medicaid has both medical and financial requirements to pay for long term care. The person has to need skilled nursing care. It sounds like your mother may not need that, although she may need short-term rehab after a fall injury or broken bone. It's not clear from what you said above whether your mother is rejecting long term nursing home placement or short term rehab (which Medicare will generally pay for after a period of hospitalization)

I called good samaritan where she went for rehab. She can stay there with medicaid medicare in a shared room but just doesn't want to go.

That's fine. And YOU don't have to live with her.

Are there Medicaid waiver programs in your state that she might be eligible for?

Medicare and Medicaid are two different programs. Medicare is automatic, but Medicaid has requirements. Has your mother actually applied and been approved for Medicaid?

Wilhens - I asked about your age and work because I was considering what the future may hold for you once your mom passes on. I'll be 54 in a couple of weeks. I don't know about you but I still consider myself relatively young - although that could be a misconception based on spending most of my free time at a nursing home! I'm assuming you've considered the financial ramifications of quitting your job to be your moms full-time care giver. Have you considered what might happen if mom passes, say - in five years? You will be unemployed, at an age where it's much harder to re-enter the job market, and you'll be too young for social security or retirement benefits. Also - have you considered how difficult caring for an aging loved one can become? You say she doesn't cook or clean - just wait till she doesn't bath or use the toilet and can't change her own depends. You say you don't want to be moms full-time caregiver so I'm assuming you've considered these things - but by quitting your job and living with her you cashed in the only marker you had to play. Mom has no reason to even consider a NH now - she has you to do the job. Very few people want to move into a nursing home - usually it's a last resort. It took my brother and I two months to get my mom into one and she made it absolute hell - but she's there now and recieving better care than she's had in the past 3 1/2 years! And yes, it took a serious fall to get the ball rolling. I'm hoping you'll not do anything you'll regret and feel either lasting guilt or continuing resentment - it's tough, that's for sure - the choices your presented with. But do you honestly think you'll be able to get your mom to see reason while she has you taking care of all her needs and wants? Unfortunately it seems to be a common condition with our elderly parents - that once they hit a certain age, along with the accompanying physical and mental deteration - that they only see their own needs and wants and begin to view their children as a means to an end. I'm sorry for being so brutally honest. Is it possible to get your job back, move in with your girlfriend and either you or your mom - maybe together - pay for a helper to go in three times a week for four or five hours? I know you worked long hours but could you then make short visits the alternate days? Maybe even skip a day but call to check in? It could be tough to make work but it would allow you to have a life of your own until a medicaid NH really is the only choice.

I just cried and talked with my mom. Rick and faith not here right now. My mom told me to go back to work and to carolyn. I got on my fucking knees laid my head in her lap and asked her to say a prayer for her and me and our family. She said a beautiful prayer and was rubbing the top of my head and I felt a peace. Also felt a bit like a blubbering baby! I will go back to work and back to my wonderful girlfriend. I will pray that my brother will do ok and I will still check on her take her to doctor, and do my part. Brother doesn't have car. If brother can't handle caring for her then we cross that road when it comes but I think he still wants to keep trying. I will put it in God's hands. Thanks to you all and may God bless your lives.

I originally sent that last text to my girlfriend. That's why it has that weird part about faith and rick not being here. Sorry about that. I copied and pasted from original text.

Good luck to you Wilhens. I hope this works out. Let us know!

Wilhens in answer to your question, when my mother went into the NH she was able to speak for herself, though she'd had increasing dementia for many years, but she went there directly after a month in hospital after a really bad fall. She was happy for about a week, then her life long nastiness, demands and manipulation returned. She was obsessed with returning to her house for the rest of her days while I, slave and servant 24/7 who only existed to be berated and nagged, lived in her gloomy cold basement.

I've had several hip surgeries stemming from an accident as a child, and have a bad back. I could no longer lift her when she constantly fell and really couldn't leave the house. I'm an only child and there is no other family. I just couldn't cope any more and she wouldn't allow anyone else into the house.

She spent her last three years hiding in her room, refusing to interact with the other residents or partake in activities, plotting and planning how she could get someone to take her in and wait on her hand and foot (for free of course), all the while yelling at me on the phone every day - 18 months in and on the verge of a nervous breakdown I changed my phone number and made it unlisted.

I continued to visit and run her errands, though I dreaded it, stomach in knots and feeling unwell for a day or two after. She'd run off any friends she had though one woman visited maybe 3 times a year and she was convinced she'd go live with her as every day would be like the rare visiting day ... presents and undivided attention.

My mother passed in September and, after a lifetime of abuse, I was glad she was gone and I was finally free.

Wilhens

That is wonderful progress. Beneath her fear and need, she was able to see what you would be giving up. It was so good you could be emotionally honest. I am taking care of my mother and my career is on the skids. I am enjoying many of the days, however, because my mother had PSTD and mental illness in her middle years, refusing visits, so only now, I am catching up on spending time with her. Its not a good time to get out of the workforce; in your fifties! And you need to protect your relationship, and enjoy it. I hope your brother can find the balance he needs and get some time away from Mom. Good luck with everything. I was touched by your story and hope all goes smoothly as possible. This elderly care business is much more involving than I ever thought it would be. Sigh. Fill us in if there are bumps in the road or if you have good news you would like to share.

Things came to a head for me when mum was hospitalised with a UTI. I'd looked after her 24/7 for 5 years and just couldn't go on. She lived with me and on my GP's advice I refused to have her home. Social Services found her a ALF where she has been since September 2015. After a sticky start for us both, mum loves it and I am slowly learning how to be myself again.
I currently have a herniated disk, so I really would be in trouble if she was still here.
Please take care of yourself first, it's a lesson I had to learn the hard way but it's all worked out well, thank the Lord.

Wilhens--sounds like you've made some very positive moves forward. I wanted to share an experience I had with my 95 year old Aunt some time back. She was living with my Mother, then 72, when my Aunt fell and broke pelvic bone. After a few days in the hospital, they were going to release my Aunt and she couldn't walk. Hear me...she could not walk. She couldn't even stand up. I was appalled that they were going to send her home. I had to get with the Social Worker, explain that my Mom could not take care of my Aunt due to her own health problems and that I couldn't either (not married---had to work). I literally had to pitch a great big ole' fit to get them to hear me. Bottom line, I refused to take her and my Mom refused to take her. They put her in a rehab unit for 4 weeks. By the time she got out, she no longer needed either one of us. I share this because we caregivers must push and push hard to be heard. You have every right to your life. And so does your brother. When he no longer can care for Mom, ya'll stand strong together to get her where she needs to be. (Can you tell I'm from the south--"ya'll"!) Good luck

And, by the way, I didn't ask my Aunt what she wanted to do. I didn't give her any choice. Once everything was worked out, I told her we couldn't take care of her and she had to go to rehab. She wasn't happy but what was she going to say? And it all worked out just fine.

Are u total support for yourself, if so, don't think quitting a job was a good idea. It will effect the SS you receive later on.

I your Mom is a fall risk, then she needs to be somewhere safe. You may want to talk to two of her doctors. Tell them the situation and that u can't be there 24/7. Then talk to her telling her the same thing. That its time she goes into an AL or nursing facility. You can't do it all.