Difficult to get Mother to consent to nursing home. Any advice?

Can your mother afford to pay for in-home nursing and personal care?

The thing is, your mother has every right to insist on remaining in her home. But she has no right at all, and no legal power, to force you to do the caregiving. So if you can't or you refuse to (easier said than done, I know), her remaining option is to buy in the services that she needs. Is that a possibility?

Wilhens - I asked about your age and work because I was considering what the future may hold for you once your mom passes on. I'll be 54 in a couple of weeks. I don't know about you but I still consider myself relatively young - although that could be a misconception based on spending most of my free time at a nursing home! I'm assuming you've considered the financial ramifications of quitting your job to be your moms full-time care giver. Have you considered what might happen if mom passes, say - in five years? You will be unemployed, at an age where it's much harder to re-enter the job market, and you'll be too young for social security or retirement benefits. Also - have you considered how difficult caring for an aging loved one can become? You say she doesn't cook or clean - just wait till she doesn't bath or use the toilet and can't change her own depends. You say you don't want to be moms full-time caregiver so I'm assuming you've considered these things - but by quitting your job and living with her you cashed in the only marker you had to play. Mom has no reason to even consider a NH now - she has you to do the job. Very few people want to move into a nursing home - usually it's a last resort. It took my brother and I two months to get my mom into one and she made it absolute hell - but she's there now and recieving better care than she's had in the past 3 1/2 years! And yes, it took a serious fall to get the ball rolling. I'm hoping you'll not do anything you'll regret and feel either lasting guilt or continuing resentment - it's tough, that's for sure - the choices your presented with. But do you honestly think you'll be able to get your mom to see reason while she has you taking care of all her needs and wants? Unfortunately it seems to be a common condition with our elderly parents - that once they hit a certain age, along with the accompanying physical and mental deteration - that they only see their own needs and wants and begin to view their children as a means to an end. I'm sorry for being so brutally honest. Is it possible to get your job back, move in with your girlfriend and either you or your mom - maybe together - pay for a helper to go in three times a week for four or five hours? I know you worked long hours but could you then make short visits the alternate days? Maybe even skip a day but call to check in? It could be tough to make work but it would allow you to have a life of your own until a medicaid NH really is the only choice.

It's usually a major fall that necessitates entrance to a nursing home. My mother refused to use her rolling walker in the house and got about holding on to the walls and furniture. She fell frequently and I could get her up if she co-operated. Eventually she fell one evening and I got her up and into bed. At 2 a.m. I got up for some reason, heard a big bang and found her on the den floor in a pool of blood and incoherent. From hip surgeries over the years and a bad back I couldn't get her up and she was taken to hospital by ambulance. She was 86, had parkinsons for 15 years, dementia and had had many strokes. Obviously I couldn't care for her alone 24/7 any more so after a month in hospital she went into a lovely nursing home.

Not long after she fell trying to hide a protein shake on top of the wardrobe so staff wouldn't know she didn't drink it, broke her hip and from that point on she was in a wheelchair, unable to stand alone though, due to the dementia, she often tried to get out of bed, ended up on the floor and was taken to the ER.

There comes a time when skilled nursing care is needed 24/7. No one person can do it alone. In the nursing home my mother was clean, fed and safe and the staff were wonderful.

Wilhens, do you live with your mom? Or she with you?

Sometimes we have to tell the people we love that we can't give them what they need, that it's beyond our capacity. It's not about how much or whether we love them, it's about self preservation. Have you had this conversation with your mother? What was her response ?

Ashlynne is right. Sometimes you have to step back and let the "bad thing" happen for things to get taken care of.

If you don't mind me asking, wilhens - how old are you? What type of work did you do?

Countrymouse is absolutely right. What I have learned through 5 years of caregiving is that, while I have no right to tell anybody else what to do, I have every right to decide what I will and will not do.

Many times our parents can be selfish and manipulative. They can also become so set in their ways that the idea of change is just unthinkable to them.

Your mother may be thinking that no sacrifice you could make could possibly equate to the hardship for her of having to go into a nursing home. Too any people give up relationships and jobs to care for elderly parents, then after their parents die they end up facing their own old age broke and alone.

Your mother will have to accept that her need for care cannot be allowed to take over your life. She either has to pay for help at home or go into a facility.

Babalou I have had somewhat meaningful conversations with my mom regarding nursing homes but not much about admitting to her that I can't take care of her the way she wants. I will be doing that more and will be trying to find the right words to communicate all that. Such a sad and difficult process all of this is!

That's fine. And YOU don't have to live with her.

Are there Medicaid waiver programs in your state that she might be eligible for?

That one part was suppose to say that him and my mom argue.