In one month, my diabetic amputee mother will be moving in with my husband and I. How do we find time for ourselves while still being attentive caregivers?

Some say even the nurse at assisted-living suggest letting him come stay at the cabin for the weekend and see how he gets along and take him back to assisted living and try that for a while

 There's a part of me that wants to try that but I think that will just make him want to stay even more I'm so confused    Because I can sit and have quality conversations with him even if they are repeat and it wears me out listening I just need to know your thoughts on letting him come home and Watch him go downhill in his home like I think he wants

I need a real hard kick in the butt

Don't bring your loved one into your home just to assuage your own guilt. If you can't be there consistently to take care of their needs, then they need to be where someone can! They don't need your begrudged snatches of time where you are angry and resentful. If you don't have a medical degree, you will need to learn how to manage their diabetic wounds, patiently plan their diet and always watch for signs of low blood sugar. For the patient who is falling, preventive measures must be taken, which the patient will routinely ignore. Medications must be given regularly, something a patient with dementia or even failing memory cannot do. Your loved one deserves the best round-the-clock care you can find! Spend every penny they have toward this and then look for government assistance. Your loved one does not want to be a burden on you. Make your decision wisely, seeking their input along the way. And, always, seek God for assistance.

Dad is on Medicaid
I don't work but take care our home inside and out plus maintain dad's big yard
It makes since that I be caregiver for him I think in his eyes but will also say he only needs me sometimes
It will be 24/7
I know he will get worse if he comes home
Do I let him return...go off most meds?...let it go...let his health/safety decline...let nature take its course??

Lidoeenn---
DON'T MOVE MOM in with you!!!! It sounds very manageable on paper, and I applaud your good intentions--BUT, it will be a disaster. Do you actually know how long it takes to clean a bathroom (or the hall or wherever) someone has had an "accident"? Are you ready to take all of your vacation and personal days off because you will be, for mom's increasing care. Are you ready to basically give up your life for hers? Because that is what you are stepping in to.
Wound care in a diabetic is almost a FT job in itself. My FIL in his last months, had several oozing wounds. I had to drive to his condo at LEAST twice a day and remove the bandages, debride the wound (he'd be either writhing in pain or actively yelling) and reapply an entire tube of antibiotic ointment and reapply the layers of gauze and tape. This took well over an hour, each time. I also took him breakfast and dinner each day. Also took him to the dr's or to the ER if needed.
You have no idea what you're in for. I told hubby I would work another job before I would bring his sick dad in to live with us, and his dad was, in general a real sweetie.
I will not even go into the cleaning (daily) of his bathroom. He was frequently bowel incontinent. Needless to say, after he passed, I threw away my carpet cleaner. The smells alone--I will never forget.
Do whatever you can to keep mom in LT care. It may not be what she wants, but we rarely get what we "want" in life.

Oh my--you are the poster who asked about keeping your mom's commode chair clean?? You really are in deep here---you ready to have that in your home too?? The cleaning up after your mom sounds really intense NOW and will only get worse. Also she'd wheelchair bound? Is your home adapted for her use? My mom walks with a walker and has banged up every wall and door in her path. I really feel that you should not bring her home with you---but bless you for the love you show in wanting what's best for her.

Midkid58, I agree with you there, regarding banging up the walls and trim in the home. My Mom, bless her heart, destroyed my sisters walls either her wheelchair in only six months of living with her, and that was before she ended up bedbound and on Hospice care for the last 5 months of her life. Thankfully, all us other 5 kids made special allowances from our small inheritance split 6 ways, to do the repairs that needed done on her home, before any monies were distributed, as was only fair, as this sister put her life on hold for the previous 14 months, having our Mom living in her home.

Please, all of you thinking about brining your parent home to live with you, Think, because Everything Will Change, and even though you love them very much, it is not in your or your parents best interest, or that of your spouse and kids, to give up your lives to care for them in your home.

My own situation was different than most, in that there were six of us caring for our ailing parents, as well as many grown Grandchildren helping, which clearly isn't the norm, but it does in fact "take a village", and if you don't have oodles of money, or loads of family help, it just is not fair, to do this to yourself, especially when you are in your highest wage earning years. It stops you dead in your tracks, cripples you financially, and takes a huge toll on all of your relationships, your marriage, and your personal health!

You can do everything possible in the way of loving them, and seeing to their wellbeing, but bringing them into your home is instant insanity, from one who has had their FIL in her home for the past 13 years!

We are turning this train wreck around, moving my FIL into Assisted living this coming June, and it cannot come soon enough! I honestly don't know if we can repair and regenerate our own relationship at this point, but we are going to do our best, but a lot of damage has been done to our 33 year relationship, I just don't know. I second guess this decision every day, it's agonizing,  this feeling of "letting him down", and pray we are doing the right thing, but I do know, it's the best thing for all involved, and we thankfully have our 4 kids support in this decision.

I don't want to hijack this post--but my position on this is firm. Brother took mother and daddy into his home--thinking it would be best for them. The absolute opposite has happened. Daddy died 5 years after moving in, mostly unaware of anything around him. Mother has hung in there for 13 more years and is driving brother and his family insane. She is 87, was told last week by her GP that she will likely live another 10 years!!! I don't think brother will last that long. He has so many critical health issues and mother doesn't even notice. He has 5 kids that grew up with sick g-parents in their home, 24/7. I can't begin to tell you how twisted the dynamics can become.
In retrospect, an ALF for the both of them would have been the better choice. We kids would all have had to chip in every month to make it affordable, but I would HAPPILY have thrown a few hundred bucks a month their way to keep them "independent".
Brother really, really regrets this decision. Personally, as sweet as all my 5 kids are and ALL of them have said "Oh mom, you could live with us!" they see the energetic 60 yo mom who can babysit, mow their lawn and clean their house. If I was needing to live with them, I'll be the cranky, nasty, entitled old biddy whom they will come to resent. Getting old hurts, in more ways than one. I don't want my kids to see that up close. I plan to put MYSELF into an ALF if I make it to 80.

Why does your mom have to move with you? This is the end of your privacy and mom would rather stay in her home?

Thank you to everyone for your honest stories and advise! I had a great meeting with an elder law attorney this week and we're on the path to getting Medicaid care for my parents. You're right -- an attorney is a great expense but it will be worth it to see my folks get the care they need. I found out Dad had started to look into applying for Medicaid until his health turned for the worse and couldn't finish the process. I'm glad I can pick up where he left off.

That being said, its looking more likely Mom won't need to move in so far from her home town to stay with me. And it's true and I'm not in denial over it -- she needs Skilled Nursing for her own safety and everyone agrees. Things are moving forward, so fingers crossed.

That is so great! Sounds like everything is on a pathway that will be good for all of you!

Good for you! Changing things AFTER the fact would be so much harder. Now you will have just ONE big change, settle mom in, and deal with it from there. You dodged a huge bullet.