In one month, my diabetic amputee mother will be moving in with my husband and I. How do we find time for ourselves while still being attentive caregivers?

If your mother has too much income and/or assets to qualify for a Medicaid program, she should be using it toward her care -- for example pay for a cleaning service and/or a health aide.

If your mother does not have even that much to contribute toward her care, then she should qualify for Medicaid. I believe (not sure) that IHSS is a Medicaid program in California.

Please, for your mother's sake, use her money for her care, or apply for medical financial assistance for her. Keep growing that independent business!

No; I do not think 9 hours is enough; also you will get terribly tired; you find days that you probably are not "fit" to work because you are tired, depressed, overworked in general. I am a professional woman who has cared for my mom (now nearly 95) for 15 years in my home.  I have used large amounts of her income and assets as well as my own, as hers was not enough.  I had someone I felt I could trust working 24 hours per week -- 4 days at 6 hours per day (and that wasn't near enough). Help is very expensive -- here in Southern California -- For those hours, I paid that person nearly $7,000 net money within 60 days which included a $600 bonus (which is expected in this geographic area -- or they quit &  my mother needed the help).  Today as I write this I am having a hard day as I have this week cleaned after my mom until I am nearly sick -- one evening alone my husband (also a professional) and I cleaned her "potty" blow out for 3 hours -- it took two of us -- the floors of two rooms,  some walls, chairs, bed, bath, shampoo. I am not being negative -- just realistic about these things. What is being put upon those of us who do this, with little to no help from the rest of the family is hard, lonely, and tragic. There are 76  million aging yuppies -- it will take the rest of the U.S. to take care of them.  Something a lot of people don't think about is that many of the messiest problems occur when there is "just you" there -- the mess cannot wait to be cleaned up as that would be unclean and terrible to allow you and your mom and husband to "live in it" until "clean up help" arrived.  I love my mother dearly, and Thank God I am a very strong determined person-- but this is a difficult job.  I am glad my mom has been with me and not been in one of these "old age homes" as she would not have thrived there in so much community bacteria, etc..

Thank you for your honesty "Caregal." I realize the decision I'm going into is going to be very difficult and I'm not in denial over it. But I do appreciate how I should approach wages for a hired care-giver should I need it.

Thankfully, I'm not one who gets "grossed out" on cleaning matters but I am concerned about Mom's ability to communicate fairly and kindly now and in the long run. That's always hardest for me.

I do intend to talk to an Elder Law Attorney soon to see how to handle remaining assets as well as qualifying for Medi-Cal.

If I can ask, where did you go to find a caregiver? I was advised Care .com but curious if there are other local resources. I'm in the SFV area.

"She's not social so Adult Day Care is out."

Um, excuse me lidoeen, but your mother is no longer in a position to call all the shots.

My husband (dementia) did not want to go to day care. Here is what I told him: "I am working very hard to do everything I can to keep you at home. You need to do your part, too. I need to be able to know you are safe while I go to my own appointments, check in at work, shop, and just have time to myself." He grumbled about not needing a babysitter but he did go. And he liked a lot of it!

You are rearranging not only your house but your lives to give Mom this opportunity to stay in a family home setting. She absolutely must be willing to make some sacrifices also. If you let her call all the shots from the very beginning I predict some very rocky roads ahead!

If IHSS or any program she qualifies for covers Adult Day Health programs that may be a very good option.

I went through a private source with references; she did a good job with my mother, but gave no notice when she left for "higher paying" job -- just a text- (Omg!) I have tried 2 different agencies where they charge you $25/hr or more and "evaluate" you, your home & mom, safety bars around home, etc., & then they pay the actual caregiver $13 per hour or less. These people can "just suggest", -- basically you come home from a day of work, & they are sitting there & your mom has not had a bath or sponge bath, etc., because "she didn't feel like it & they can only suggest". I really wish you the best. I am sure you will manage well.

All I can say is God help you. I had no idea what I was getting into when I took on 24/7 caregiving.

Is you decision final? Have you looked at other options? Sounds like you mom needs 24/7 care and that you are a very busy person.

Call a geriatric care manager - they will help you with everything - how to accommodate your home, hiring help or looking at other options. Please look at all your options before making your decisions.

I took care of my mother with Alzheimer's for 2 years (actually longer than that) but 2 years in my home. This will affect your marriage, your career and your health. Mom will become the central point for everything, she will become a part of every conversation. My mom would refuse to go to daycare, so I didn't go to work. We would have plans to go out and would have to cancel because she was agitated and refused home health care, the area were she lived smelled like urine, she ruined my carpet, we had plumbing issues because she would dispose of food into sink...(etc. etc.)

What is you mom's personality like? Is she sweet or demanding? You said "she loves to yell when she wants attention". That doesn't sound good. I agree with Jeanniegibbs, don't let mom call the shots here; the arrangements have to be on you and your husbands terms.

A small 3-bedroom house with just one bathroom? (What happens when there's a blowout when there is no other bathroom???)
I don't see how you both can possibly work fulltime jobs plus the illustration business.
I foresee bigtime problems in your marriage. I can't imagine a spouse putting up with this situation.

listen to jeannegibbs - she's 100% correct.
if Mom has money - use it to her care.
if Mom has no money - get the wheels started for Medicaid assistance - do it now!

while it is commendable to offer to take in Mom with all her problems, they're going to get a LOT worse over time and it will put a bind on your marriage. it's marital suicide. you'll never be right no matter what you do.

"financial assistance" is NOT the same as physical assistance. you are only one person - children or no, this most likely will cost you your marriage and probably your sanity as well.

please, rethink your options.

My advice is though you love her, avoid taking her into your home and providing care. My mother has lived with us for over 25 years. We cannot go out to eat as she does not want to go. My wife works and so gets away from the house during the day, but if I try to go or do anything mom panics because I am not at her beck and call. Mom gets afraid if she cannot see me in the morning and comes to check to "see if I am okay". My wife and I cannot go out for over 2 hours without her calling to verify we are okay. Mom suffers from dementia and gets afraid even though she sleeps over 20 hours a day. She wakes in a panic and if she does not see or hear us (me), then we go through an inquisition until her fears subside.

My advice, avoid taking her into your home. Get federal assistance to put her into an assisted living facility and go visit as you have time. Do not let her set or control your schedule and activities.

lidoeen, it is so sweet of you to take your Mom into your own home.... but don't be surprised when the parent/child dynamic starts to show up.

Your Mom will once again be the adult and she will consider you the child. She will try to take over because she is Mom, and will want you to do things her way. She might even wedge herself between you and your husband. It's just normal for that to happen. So be ready.

As for Mom liking to yell, I had visions of the TV show "Big Bang Theory" where one of the character's mother always yells. 

I'm one that believes in taking care of our parents in our home. I would just say this, be open to the knowing you will change your life. You do not need to know exactly how right now but when the time comes you will make decisions based on your priorities and those priorities may change. Life is like a river, ever changing as it flows. Be open. And know you can not have it all. The picture after she moves in will not be what it is now so you have to let go of life "as you know it" and move towards the new life you will create.

I recommend you make other arrangements. We thought we were doing the right and honorable thing when we brought my father-in-law into our home almost 3 years ago. His dementia has progressed, as we knew it would, but our ability to cope with him and care for him has diminished. Now we are trying to get him placed into a secure facility so that we can have our home and our lives back before it completely ruins our marriage. Sounds harsh, but I do not recommend having elderly/infirm/demented parents living with their offspring. Just don't do it!

I strongly urge you and your spouse to seek any other alternative rather than moving in with you. Don't dilute yourselves into thinking she will be able to live with There with only minor supervision. It changes the entire dynamic of your relationship and you will probably find out your mother needs more help then you are able to provide. This does not mean you do not love her. But you need to find the best place they can give her the level of care she needs and can afford. I moved my mother in to my home five years ago. She will be eighty in september. I love her very much but it has impacted the dynamic in the home. Please go in with open eyes of what your life will really be like.

Please rethink what you are about to do. Do you want to spend the next 10 years having someone yell every time they want your attention? How long do you think your husband will put up with that? Your small business....forget about that now, you will have no time for that or anything you may want to do.

My grandmother moved in with us briefly when I was in college. She wanted to be treated as an honored guest yet at the same time she wanted to rule the roost as if it was her home and we were just staff. It was awful. My brother in law took care of of MIL for many years. In the end it was all about her 24/7. She would get angry if he did anything that did not include her. You would be amazed at the life he had after she died.

Why can't she stay in assisted living and go on medicaid? I agree with the poster that said that if she must move in with you she needs to know that she no longer calls the shots...any of them.

Oh, I do not know how you got into this situation. But, stop.

I think you might find that both are eligible for Medicaid. The current nursing home should have help avsilablr to apply.

One thought that comes to mind is will your mom's wheelchair fit through your doorways especially the bathroom ?

Do you have grab bars installed next to the toilet and do you have a stall shower or just a tub ?

What about entry into the house ? Is there a step up to the threshold ?

As others suggested, caregivers are expensive and unreliable - I use an agency in SoCal and they oftentimes can't staff even a 4 hour afternoon shift

If you go the care.com route then you will be responsible for social security taxes and workers comp insurance

There are no easy answers here - many of us are dealing with loved ones with dementia which makes the situation even more challenging but with type 1 diabetes does your mother require injections ? I'm not sure any CNA would be able to help her with that

Please take a practical hard look at this situation -

Lidoeen, there is a lot of experience shared here. I will tell you, like others, that it's not easy. Get and read the book, Elder Rage. It's a real life story that you may feel far removed from but it chronicles how a woman "taught" her verbally (and sometimes physically abusive) father to be respectful - through a system of punishment and rewards-kind of like teaching a child.

I'm caring for my husband with moderate Alzheimers, frontal temporal dementia and ALS. It is very hard but I have been able to get help by hiring them myself. To your question about where to find people, I tried Care.com but seemed to get people that couldn't get jobs elsewhere and they generally didn't last long. If they weren't a good fit, I let them go. They had to care for my husband very competently and compassionately but they also had to be a good fit for me. I finally took a friend's advice and contacted the local nursing school. I sent an email "ad" to them and they sent it to there students. I got a wonderful caregiver that way. Apparently in our state, a nursing school candidate gets additional credit for already having their certification as a nursing assistant. So that was a plus to find someone with that training.
You are on the right path to see a certified Elder Law attorney. I did that as well. There are also companies that help people apply for Medicaid and because of their experience and relationships, they are able to get it processed much quicker than if you were doing it on your own. It may cost up to $2500 but is well worth it in the end.
Kudos to you for reaching out to others and thinking this through. In the end you will need to do what you think is best. Stay strong and if I have any advice for you, it's not to let this destroy your marriage or your small business. Try your best to get resources through other financial resources (Medicaid) for your mom. Caregivers will help take some strain off of you and your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I also encourage you to apply for Medicaid. Ask the social worker where she is at presently to assist you. Elder attorneys can be very costly. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Make her comfortable, and your love will see both of you through. You all will be happier in the long run.

Somewhere it was mentioned that you may be in California? Here is the link for community Medicaid, http://www.dhcs.ca.gov/services/Pages/HCBSWaiver.aspx, which is for keeping a person in a private home, be it hers or yours. The expenses associated to caregiving can be overwhelming. Please keep in mind that assistance, be it from Medicaid or from somewhere else, is based on your mom's financial status, not yours.
I commend you for taking this responsibility on, but be sure you are realistic as well. Both of you working full time and running a side business can be overwhelming in and of itself. How do you find time for yourselves? You have to make the time. The only way to do that is with outside help, be it family, friends, neighbors, members of your local church if that applies, or paid help. You will need to bring in outside help and it will require more than 9 hours no doubt. Also, it doesn't sound like you have a complete understanding of the day to day needs of your mom at this point in time. That information will be invaluable at this point in time so that you can make some tough decisions prior to her moving in.
Based on your description of your mom's health situation, the care she will need will be quite involved.
Be sure your mom has her legal documents in order, ie: Health Care Proxy, POA and MOLST or DNR. If these documents are in place and you are not listed as the primary health care proxy and/or the POA, I would suggest you address that asap. Consult an elder attorney in your area, it will be worth every penny spent, trust me.
I have learned the hard way how important these 3 documents are to the primary caregiver.
Get all your facts in order for the level of care your mom will need.
Get her legal documents in place, sooner than later.
Then have a serious sit down with your husband. Life will not be the same. Can you both handle change to your current life plans? Be sure you two have an honest talk before mom moves in. After mom moves in, keep having regular talks that are open and honest with your husband.
Take care of yourself so that you can take care of hubby and mom.

If you love your mom and your husband, and value your marriage and your relationship with mom DO NOT DO THIS. Listen to what others have posted that is their reality, it is very different when it becomes your reality. How do you get out of this? Use the social worker where she is now. Tell them you are not willing to have mom come home with you. She could be granted emergency Medicaid eligibility. Yes there is such a thing.

I agree with the "don't do its". You will end up having to give up your home business and your full-time job. Mom's health won't stay the same but will get worse as she ages. She won't be able to transfer herself and will have more frequent accidents. After being alone during the day, she is going to want your full attention when you get home. There are thousands of years experience from people on this site who have been down this road. Don't do it!

Oh my! I agree with those suggesting you and your husband (and siblings) work towards finding other accommodations and care for your mom with public assistance. In addition to your work and relationship with your husband, a couple of other things that come to mind are whether you may one day consider​ having a child (or children) as well as your own planning for your future retirement. It is not selfish in the least to be proactive to make sure you and your husband are actively working towards having adequate retirement resources for yourselves when the time comes. Nor is it selfish to actively seek time to nurture your marriage and, if you do have children some day, to have the opportunity to nurture them as well. It may sound harsh, but poor planning on your parent's part for their elder years should not mean sacrificing your or your husband's well-being now or in the future. Best wishes in navigating this challenge!!!

If you do this, (move a third adult into a living space with only one bathroom), you will need a second toilet.

It sounds as if Mom needs a level of care that two working people with two jobs each can not possibly provide.
She would probably meet the criteria for a care facility if she is not independently able to care for her diabetes, wound care, manage her incontinence, and other basic activities of daily living.
Medicare will pay for some home health care and some basic house care if she is disabled and home bound.
If you were not here, what would she do?
Call the county social services and start exploring alternatives. Apply for state medical assistance for her. See What other care and financial assistence is available to her. There are options available to her if she is truely without enough funds to pay for needed care. For instance there are licsenced private care homes with 24hr staff.
Most importantly.
Listen closely to what people here are telling you. They have been where you are thinking about going, and are telling you this is a bad plan, that will drain your life of joy and peace, and will rob your marriage of intimacy,privacy and freedom.
You can be a loving daughter, involed in Mom's life, without throwing Your own away.

As one who has had their FIL live with them since his wife passed away, 13 years ago, as everyone else has suggested, DON'T DO THIS!

It changes EVERYTHING in your life, your marriage, your social life, your financial future, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!

My FIL is a Narcissist, which has made our situation even Worse, which I did not know, before he moved in. My MIL must have been doing absolutely everything for him, as he doesn't know how to do anything for himself, so who do you think got stuck with doing that? You guessed it, US!

Now, 13 years later, he is frail fragile, and becoming more and more senile and dependant on us, whereas once, he was able to drive, do his own shopping and Dr's appointments. Now my husband does everything for him, and my husband is about to lose it!

Finally, we have made the decision to move him into Assisted living.

I do understand your situation where she has run out of money to live in Assisted living, but you must go the route of finding Governmental help/Medicaid, to place her somewhere, where she can get the aid and assistance now, and as she graduates to needing More and more  care, which she will!

My FIL is now 87, and yes, had he lived in Assisted living all this time, he would definitely have run out of money, thankfully, with him having lived with us all this time, it has saved him enough to live in Assisted living for about 5 years, and after that, and like everyone else, he will need to depend on States assistance, to find a way to live on Somewhere, but it can no longer be with us.

We faithfully feel that we did our part, and with no help whatsoever from my husband's deadbeat brother and sister, and it's our time now! We are 57 & 62, retired, intending to sell our home, buy a little Condo, enjoy our kids and Grandchildren,  and begin living again, Finally!

Please, look into every available option, before making this huge mistake of having your ailing Mother live with you!

Like you, I Loved my Mother dearly, and if the situation was different, I would have cared for her in my home too, but do know, that it will change everything about your life, and you two are too young to have this sort of changer impact your life, right when it's taking off towards financial gain!

Just think about how this is going to go for you both, because none of caring for a parent in your home is positive! It's one heck of a lot of work!

Do you intend to have children? In our case, our youngest of four at age 21, had just moved out, and my FIL moved in, so Zero healthy married life for us! Think about it!

My problem is the needyness. I can't stand being followed around. I agree with everyone. With diabetes and having health problems because of it. Will u be able to find someone who can care for her special needs. I had a friend who died at 63. She was a juvenile​ diabetic. She had a bad heart attack in her 50s and lost her leg. Are you ready to maybe give up to care for her 24/7.

You'll have to modify the bathroom so a wheelchair can get through it as well as accommodate a sliding board to get her into the tub for showers. She will have to have a toilet seat over the toilet to be able to transfer there to go to relieve herself. This is only a start.
It is going to depend on your mom's personality as well. Can she transfer with minimal assistance? She won't be able to actually cook, who is going to prepare meals?
There is a lot that will have to be modified in your home to accommodate her.
Are you close to health facilities? Who is going to take her to her doctor appts, get her medications, monitor her blood sugar, etc.
if she sits all day you'll have to worry about skin care and pressure sore formation.
I know you have good intentions but is your home safe for her?

The facility where mom is now should have had an occupational therapist come to evaluate your home for safety related to your mom's abilities. Did they do that or offer? If not, have her doctor prescribe it. And it will be covered by Medicare.

Dang!!
My dad has been in AL since last Aug recovering from stroke and carotid artery surgery- has uncontrolled type ll diabetes (6.2 A1C now, has always been in the 8s. Being there has helped with that...no doubt he'd be worse off still at home or dead already!   If it wasn't for the bedbugs he probably would have recuperated and his dumpy trailer   (he's our neighbor in the woods and didn't want my help with his health really) 
My husband, whose been so supportive this past year helping with my dad, thinks dad can come back to his little cabin we built for him. (we had to demolish his bedbug/mice infested mobile home and personal belongings). Husband has stepped up financially, emotionally for me and has taken on the roll of a brother. I'm an only child. My husband is in denial although he can visually see how frail/mostly blind/etc.., dad is. He has fallen 3xs in the last month, no injuries so far. He fell yesterday with my husband.
I can't tell what's dementia or not even while reading constantly about it. But I do see "signs" of it.
husband keeps saying, "I promised your dad I would build him something new when I told him I had to tear his home down" He says he wants to keep his word and thinks that dad wants to come home so he can die there. And that's exactly what's probably going to happen if he does come home.

I definitely know from reading here I should not ever let dad come back, but I think my husband is in denial that we can keep an eye on him With help from Help At Home workers
I know what the right thing is to do, he safe in assisted-living and well cared for and if he comes home here I can't just let him loose in his cabin and hope he'll be fine I will have to check on him every day all day long even if he has help at home I can't take this on but then I feel guilty thinking that maybe we should try it and just let him decline and die how he wants to at home
I think my husband wants to see the joy in my dad's heart back home in his new cabin, he has lived here 50 years.  and husband also knows the constant care and checking on that will be required     dad is very easy-going, laid-back and has handled being put in assisted-living surprisingly well since he would never spend a night away from his own home. He does ask, "is my cabin done yet?" but doesn't get pushy about it. We have brought him home to the cabin to spend the day and then we go back to our house but it's a constant worry and my husband even said it reminds him of us watching a two year-old kid running around and having to keep an eye on him constantly so he doesn't fall or hurt himself. His doctor has said he would step up and talk with my dad and nurses at assisted-living because he knows he does require more care and attention.

My struggle now is that I am second guessing myself even after everything I have learned and read about hear from you all, I have this thought in my head OK bring Dad home and let nature take it's course.


Please, someone, yell, scream, shout, advise me what to do, I know the correct answer !!!!!
Need opinions on letting him come home and let nature take it's course, he's on like 12 meds, I've even thought about bringing him home and just taking him off all of it myself

I have been doing pretty well with my stress recently but the cabin is done and dad knows it and I'm screaming for help and advice big time, bluntly, softly, scolding, gently, yelling and screaming at me is fine, anyway you want to do it but I need advice please !