In one month, my diabetic amputee mother will be moving in with my husband and I. How do we find time for ourselves while still being attentive caregivers?

Good for you! Changing things AFTER the fact would be so much harder. Now you will have just ONE big change, settle mom in, and deal with it from there. You dodged a huge bullet.

That is so great! Sounds like everything is on a pathway that will be good for all of you!

Thank you to everyone for your honest stories and advise! I had a great meeting with an elder law attorney this week and we're on the path to getting Medicaid care for my parents. You're right -- an attorney is a great expense but it will be worth it to see my folks get the care they need. I found out Dad had started to look into applying for Medicaid until his health turned for the worse and couldn't finish the process. I'm glad I can pick up where he left off.

That being said, its looking more likely Mom won't need to move in so far from her home town to stay with me. And it's true and I'm not in denial over it -- she needs Skilled Nursing for her own safety and everyone agrees. Things are moving forward, so fingers crossed.

Why does your mom have to move with you? This is the end of your privacy and mom would rather stay in her home?

I don't want to hijack this post--but my position on this is firm. Brother took mother and daddy into his home--thinking it would be best for them. The absolute opposite has happened. Daddy died 5 years after moving in, mostly unaware of anything around him. Mother has hung in there for 13 more years and is driving brother and his family insane. She is 87, was told last week by her GP that she will likely live another 10 years!!! I don't think brother will last that long. He has so many critical health issues and mother doesn't even notice. He has 5 kids that grew up with sick g-parents in their home, 24/7. I can't begin to tell you how twisted the dynamics can become.
In retrospect, an ALF for the both of them would have been the better choice. We kids would all have had to chip in every month to make it affordable, but I would HAPPILY have thrown a few hundred bucks a month their way to keep them "independent".
Brother really, really regrets this decision. Personally, as sweet as all my 5 kids are and ALL of them have said "Oh mom, you could live with us!" they see the energetic 60 yo mom who can babysit, mow their lawn and clean their house. If I was needing to live with them, I'll be the cranky, nasty, entitled old biddy whom they will come to resent. Getting old hurts, in more ways than one. I don't want my kids to see that up close. I plan to put MYSELF into an ALF if I make it to 80.

Midkid58, I agree with you there, regarding banging up the walls and trim in the home. My Mom, bless her heart, destroyed my sisters walls either her wheelchair in only six months of living with her, and that was before she ended up bedbound and on Hospice care for the last 5 months of her life. Thankfully, all us other 5 kids made special allowances from our small inheritance split 6 ways, to do the repairs that needed done on her home, before any monies were distributed, as was only fair, as this sister put her life on hold for the previous 14 months, having our Mom living in her home.

Please, all of you thinking about brining your parent home to live with you, Think, because Everything Will Change, and even though you love them very much, it is not in your or your parents best interest, or that of your spouse and kids, to give up your lives to care for them in your home.

My own situation was different than most, in that there were six of us caring for our ailing parents, as well as many grown Grandchildren helping, which clearly isn't the norm, but it does in fact "take a village", and if you don't have oodles of money, or loads of family help, it just is not fair, to do this to yourself, especially when you are in your highest wage earning years. It stops you dead in your tracks, cripples you financially, and takes a huge toll on all of your relationships, your marriage, and your personal health!

You can do everything possible in the way of loving them, and seeing to their wellbeing, but bringing them into your home is instant insanity, from one who has had their FIL in her home for the past 13 years!

We are turning this train wreck around, moving my FIL into Assisted living this coming June, and it cannot come soon enough! I honestly don't know if we can repair and regenerate our own relationship at this point, but we are going to do our best, but a lot of damage has been done to our 33 year relationship, I just don't know. I second guess this decision every day, it's agonizing,  this feeling of "letting him down", and pray we are doing the right thing, but I do know, it's the best thing for all involved, and we thankfully have our 4 kids support in this decision.

Oh my--you are the poster who asked about keeping your mom's commode chair clean?? You really are in deep here---you ready to have that in your home too?? The cleaning up after your mom sounds really intense NOW and will only get worse. Also she'd wheelchair bound? Is your home adapted for her use? My mom walks with a walker and has banged up every wall and door in her path. I really feel that you should not bring her home with you---but bless you for the love you show in wanting what's best for her.

Lidoeenn---
DON'T MOVE MOM in with you!!!! It sounds very manageable on paper, and I applaud your good intentions--BUT, it will be a disaster. Do you actually know how long it takes to clean a bathroom (or the hall or wherever) someone has had an "accident"? Are you ready to take all of your vacation and personal days off because you will be, for mom's increasing care. Are you ready to basically give up your life for hers? Because that is what you are stepping in to.
Wound care in a diabetic is almost a FT job in itself. My FIL in his last months, had several oozing wounds. I had to drive to his condo at LEAST twice a day and remove the bandages, debride the wound (he'd be either writhing in pain or actively yelling) and reapply an entire tube of antibiotic ointment and reapply the layers of gauze and tape. This took well over an hour, each time. I also took him breakfast and dinner each day. Also took him to the dr's or to the ER if needed.
You have no idea what you're in for. I told hubby I would work another job before I would bring his sick dad in to live with us, and his dad was, in general a real sweetie.
I will not even go into the cleaning (daily) of his bathroom. He was frequently bowel incontinent. Needless to say, after he passed, I threw away my carpet cleaner. The smells alone--I will never forget.
Do whatever you can to keep mom in LT care. It may not be what she wants, but we rarely get what we "want" in life.

Dad is on Medicaid
I don't work but take care our home inside and out plus maintain dad's big yard
It makes since that I be caregiver for him I think in his eyes but will also say he only needs me sometimes
It will be 24/7
I know he will get worse if he comes home
Do I let him return...go off most meds?...let it go...let his health/safety decline...let nature take its course??

Don't bring your loved one into your home just to assuage your own guilt. If you can't be there consistently to take care of their needs, then they need to be where someone can! They don't need your begrudged snatches of time where you are angry and resentful. If you don't have a medical degree, you will need to learn how to manage their diabetic wounds, patiently plan their diet and always watch for signs of low blood sugar. For the patient who is falling, preventive measures must be taken, which the patient will routinely ignore. Medications must be given regularly, something a patient with dementia or even failing memory cannot do. Your loved one deserves the best round-the-clock care you can find! Spend every penny they have toward this and then look for government assistance. Your loved one does not want to be a burden on you. Make your decision wisely, seeking their input along the way. And, always, seek God for assistance.

I need a real hard kick in the butt

Some say even the nurse at assisted-living suggest letting him come stay at the cabin for the weekend and see how he gets along and take him back to assisted living and try that for a while

 There's a part of me that wants to try that but I think that will just make him want to stay even more I'm so confused    Because I can sit and have quality conversations with him even if they are repeat and it wears me out listening I just need to know your thoughts on letting him come home and Watch him go downhill in his home like I think he wants

Dang!!
My dad has been in AL since last Aug recovering from stroke and carotid artery surgery- has uncontrolled type ll diabetes (6.2 A1C now, has always been in the 8s. Being there has helped with that...no doubt he'd be worse off still at home or dead already!   If it wasn't for the bedbugs he probably would have recuperated and his dumpy trailer   (he's our neighbor in the woods and didn't want my help with his health really) 
My husband, whose been so supportive this past year helping with my dad, thinks dad can come back to his little cabin we built for him. (we had to demolish his bedbug/mice infested mobile home and personal belongings). Husband has stepped up financially, emotionally for me and has taken on the roll of a brother. I'm an only child. My husband is in denial although he can visually see how frail/mostly blind/etc.., dad is. He has fallen 3xs in the last month, no injuries so far. He fell yesterday with my husband.
I can't tell what's dementia or not even while reading constantly about it. But I do see "signs" of it.
husband keeps saying, "I promised your dad I would build him something new when I told him I had to tear his home down" He says he wants to keep his word and thinks that dad wants to come home so he can die there. And that's exactly what's probably going to happen if he does come home.

I definitely know from reading here I should not ever let dad come back, but I think my husband is in denial that we can keep an eye on him With help from Help At Home workers
I know what the right thing is to do, he safe in assisted-living and well cared for and if he comes home here I can't just let him loose in his cabin and hope he'll be fine I will have to check on him every day all day long even if he has help at home I can't take this on but then I feel guilty thinking that maybe we should try it and just let him decline and die how he wants to at home
I think my husband wants to see the joy in my dad's heart back home in his new cabin, he has lived here 50 years.  and husband also knows the constant care and checking on that will be required     dad is very easy-going, laid-back and has handled being put in assisted-living surprisingly well since he would never spend a night away from his own home. He does ask, "is my cabin done yet?" but doesn't get pushy about it. We have brought him home to the cabin to spend the day and then we go back to our house but it's a constant worry and my husband even said it reminds him of us watching a two year-old kid running around and having to keep an eye on him constantly so he doesn't fall or hurt himself. His doctor has said he would step up and talk with my dad and nurses at assisted-living because he knows he does require more care and attention.

My struggle now is that I am second guessing myself even after everything I have learned and read about hear from you all, I have this thought in my head OK bring Dad home and let nature take it's course.


Please, someone, yell, scream, shout, advise me what to do, I know the correct answer !!!!!
Need opinions on letting him come home and let nature take it's course, he's on like 12 meds, I've even thought about bringing him home and just taking him off all of it myself

I have been doing pretty well with my stress recently but the cabin is done and dad knows it and I'm screaming for help and advice big time, bluntly, softly, scolding, gently, yelling and screaming at me is fine, anyway you want to do it but I need advice please !

The facility where mom is now should have had an occupational therapist come to evaluate your home for safety related to your mom's abilities. Did they do that or offer? If not, have her doctor prescribe it. And it will be covered by Medicare.

You'll have to modify the bathroom so a wheelchair can get through it as well as accommodate a sliding board to get her into the tub for showers. She will have to have a toilet seat over the toilet to be able to transfer there to go to relieve herself. This is only a start.
It is going to depend on your mom's personality as well. Can she transfer with minimal assistance? She won't be able to actually cook, who is going to prepare meals?
There is a lot that will have to be modified in your home to accommodate her.
Are you close to health facilities? Who is going to take her to her doctor appts, get her medications, monitor her blood sugar, etc.
if she sits all day you'll have to worry about skin care and pressure sore formation.
I know you have good intentions but is your home safe for her?

My problem is the needyness. I can't stand being followed around. I agree with everyone. With diabetes and having health problems because of it. Will u be able to find someone who can care for her special needs. I had a friend who died at 63. She was a juvenile​ diabetic. She had a bad heart attack in her 50s and lost her leg. Are you ready to maybe give up to care for her 24/7.

As one who has had their FIL live with them since his wife passed away, 13 years ago, as everyone else has suggested, DON'T DO THIS!

It changes EVERYTHING in your life, your marriage, your social life, your financial future, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!

My FIL is a Narcissist, which has made our situation even Worse, which I did not know, before he moved in. My MIL must have been doing absolutely everything for him, as he doesn't know how to do anything for himself, so who do you think got stuck with doing that? You guessed it, US!

Now, 13 years later, he is frail fragile, and becoming more and more senile and dependant on us, whereas once, he was able to drive, do his own shopping and Dr's appointments. Now my husband does everything for him, and my husband is about to lose it!

Finally, we have made the decision to move him into Assisted living.

I do understand your situation where she has run out of money to live in Assisted living, but you must go the route of finding Governmental help/Medicaid, to place her somewhere, where she can get the aid and assistance now, and as she graduates to needing More and more  care, which she will!

My FIL is now 87, and yes, had he lived in Assisted living all this time, he would definitely have run out of money, thankfully, with him having lived with us all this time, it has saved him enough to live in Assisted living for about 5 years, and after that, and like everyone else, he will need to depend on States assistance, to find a way to live on Somewhere, but it can no longer be with us.

We faithfully feel that we did our part, and with no help whatsoever from my husband's deadbeat brother and sister, and it's our time now! We are 57 & 62, retired, intending to sell our home, buy a little Condo, enjoy our kids and Grandchildren,  and begin living again, Finally!

Please, look into every available option, before making this huge mistake of having your ailing Mother live with you!

Like you, I Loved my Mother dearly, and if the situation was different, I would have cared for her in my home too, but do know, that it will change everything about your life, and you two are too young to have this sort of changer impact your life, right when it's taking off towards financial gain!

Just think about how this is going to go for you both, because none of caring for a parent in your home is positive! It's one heck of a lot of work!

Do you intend to have children? In our case, our youngest of four at age 21, had just moved out, and my FIL moved in, so Zero healthy married life for us! Think about it!

It sounds as if Mom needs a level of care that two working people with two jobs each can not possibly provide.
She would probably meet the criteria for a care facility if she is not independently able to care for her diabetes, wound care, manage her incontinence, and other basic activities of daily living.
Medicare will pay for some home health care and some basic house care if she is disabled and home bound.
If you were not here, what would she do?
Call the county social services and start exploring alternatives. Apply for state medical assistance for her. See What other care and financial assistence is available to her. There are options available to her if she is truely without enough funds to pay for needed care. For instance there are licsenced private care homes with 24hr staff.
Most importantly.
Listen closely to what people here are telling you. They have been where you are thinking about going, and are telling you this is a bad plan, that will drain your life of joy and peace, and will rob your marriage of intimacy,privacy and freedom.
You can be a loving daughter, involed in Mom's life, without throwing Your own away.

If you do this, (move a third adult into a living space with only one bathroom), you will need a second toilet.

Oh my! I agree with those suggesting you and your husband (and siblings) work towards finding other accommodations and care for your mom with public assistance. In addition to your work and relationship with your husband, a couple of other things that come to mind are whether you may one day consider​ having a child (or children) as well as your own planning for your future retirement. It is not selfish in the least to be proactive to make sure you and your husband are actively working towards having adequate retirement resources for yourselves when the time comes. Nor is it selfish to actively seek time to nurture your marriage and, if you do have children some day, to have the opportunity to nurture them as well. It may sound harsh, but poor planning on your parent's part for their elder years should not mean sacrificing your or your husband's well-being now or in the future. Best wishes in navigating this challenge!!!

I agree with the "don't do its". You will end up having to give up your home business and your full-time job. Mom's health won't stay the same but will get worse as she ages. She won't be able to transfer herself and will have more frequent accidents. After being alone during the day, she is going to want your full attention when you get home. There are thousands of years experience from people on this site who have been down this road. Don't do it!

If you love your mom and your husband, and value your marriage and your relationship with mom DO NOT DO THIS. Listen to what others have posted that is their reality, it is very different when it becomes your reality. How do you get out of this? Use the social worker where she is now. Tell them you are not willing to have mom come home with you. She could be granted emergency Medicaid eligibility. Yes there is such a thing.

Somewhere it was mentioned that you may be in California? Here is the link for community Medicaid, http://www.dhcs.ca.gov/services/Pages/HCBSWaiver.aspx, which is for keeping a person in a private home, be it hers or yours. The expenses associated to caregiving can be overwhelming. Please keep in mind that assistance, be it from Medicaid or from somewhere else, is based on your mom's financial status, not yours.
I commend you for taking this responsibility on, but be sure you are realistic as well. Both of you working full time and running a side business can be overwhelming in and of itself. How do you find time for yourselves? You have to make the time. The only way to do that is with outside help, be it family, friends, neighbors, members of your local church if that applies, or paid help. You will need to bring in outside help and it will require more than 9 hours no doubt. Also, it doesn't sound like you have a complete understanding of the day to day needs of your mom at this point in time. That information will be invaluable at this point in time so that you can make some tough decisions prior to her moving in.
Based on your description of your mom's health situation, the care she will need will be quite involved.
Be sure your mom has her legal documents in order, ie: Health Care Proxy, POA and MOLST or DNR. If these documents are in place and you are not listed as the primary health care proxy and/or the POA, I would suggest you address that asap. Consult an elder attorney in your area, it will be worth every penny spent, trust me.
I have learned the hard way how important these 3 documents are to the primary caregiver.
Get all your facts in order for the level of care your mom will need.
Get her legal documents in place, sooner than later.
Then have a serious sit down with your husband. Life will not be the same. Can you both handle change to your current life plans? Be sure you two have an honest talk before mom moves in. After mom moves in, keep having regular talks that are open and honest with your husband.
Take care of yourself so that you can take care of hubby and mom.

I also encourage you to apply for Medicaid. Ask the social worker where she is at presently to assist you. Elder attorneys can be very costly. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Make her comfortable, and your love will see both of you through. You all will be happier in the long run.

Lidoeen, there is a lot of experience shared here. I will tell you, like others, that it's not easy. Get and read the book, Elder Rage. It's a real life story that you may feel far removed from but it chronicles how a woman "taught" her verbally (and sometimes physically abusive) father to be respectful - through a system of punishment and rewards-kind of like teaching a child.

I'm caring for my husband with moderate Alzheimers, frontal temporal dementia and ALS. It is very hard but I have been able to get help by hiring them myself. To your question about where to find people, I tried Care.com but seemed to get people that couldn't get jobs elsewhere and they generally didn't last long. If they weren't a good fit, I let them go. They had to care for my husband very competently and compassionately but they also had to be a good fit for me. I finally took a friend's advice and contacted the local nursing school. I sent an email "ad" to them and they sent it to there students. I got a wonderful caregiver that way. Apparently in our state, a nursing school candidate gets additional credit for already having their certification as a nursing assistant. So that was a plus to find someone with that training.
You are on the right path to see a certified Elder Law attorney. I did that as well. There are also companies that help people apply for Medicaid and because of their experience and relationships, they are able to get it processed much quicker than if you were doing it on your own. It may cost up to $2500 but is well worth it in the end.
Kudos to you for reaching out to others and thinking this through. In the end you will need to do what you think is best. Stay strong and if I have any advice for you, it's not to let this destroy your marriage or your small business. Try your best to get resources through other financial resources (Medicaid) for your mom. Caregivers will help take some strain off of you and your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

One thought that comes to mind is will your mom's wheelchair fit through your doorways especially the bathroom ?

Do you have grab bars installed next to the toilet and do you have a stall shower or just a tub ?

What about entry into the house ? Is there a step up to the threshold ?

As others suggested, caregivers are expensive and unreliable - I use an agency in SoCal and they oftentimes can't staff even a 4 hour afternoon shift

If you go the care.com route then you will be responsible for social security taxes and workers comp insurance

There are no easy answers here - many of us are dealing with loved ones with dementia which makes the situation even more challenging but with type 1 diabetes does your mother require injections ? I'm not sure any CNA would be able to help her with that

Please take a practical hard look at this situation -

Oh, I do not know how you got into this situation. But, stop.

I think you might find that both are eligible for Medicaid. The current nursing home should have help avsilablr to apply.

Please rethink what you are about to do. Do you want to spend the next 10 years having someone yell every time they want your attention? How long do you think your husband will put up with that? Your small business....forget about that now, you will have no time for that or anything you may want to do.

My grandmother moved in with us briefly when I was in college. She wanted to be treated as an honored guest yet at the same time she wanted to rule the roost as if it was her home and we were just staff. It was awful. My brother in law took care of of MIL for many years. In the end it was all about her 24/7. She would get angry if he did anything that did not include her. You would be amazed at the life he had after she died.

Why can't she stay in assisted living and go on medicaid? I agree with the poster that said that if she must move in with you she needs to know that she no longer calls the shots...any of them.

I strongly urge you and your spouse to seek any other alternative rather than moving in with you. Don't dilute yourselves into thinking she will be able to live with There with only minor supervision. It changes the entire dynamic of your relationship and you will probably find out your mother needs more help then you are able to provide. This does not mean you do not love her. But you need to find the best place they can give her the level of care she needs and can afford. I moved my mother in to my home five years ago. She will be eighty in september. I love her very much but it has impacted the dynamic in the home. Please go in with open eyes of what your life will really be like.

I recommend you make other arrangements. We thought we were doing the right and honorable thing when we brought my father-in-law into our home almost 3 years ago. His dementia has progressed, as we knew it would, but our ability to cope with him and care for him has diminished. Now we are trying to get him placed into a secure facility so that we can have our home and our lives back before it completely ruins our marriage. Sounds harsh, but I do not recommend having elderly/infirm/demented parents living with their offspring. Just don't do it!