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My personal predicament is that my mother lived with us for 5 months after a mini stroke. My mom's negativity and demanding nature made life horrible. She went back to the hospital in November after several falls. Rehab, then home. Refused to eat or dress & within 2 days, another TIA. Back to hospital, then rehab, then nursing facility. Right out of IsntEasy's play book. Now they feel she is ready to come home. Frankly, I'm afraid of repeat behavior, but I am the only child - in fact only living relative or friend. Guilt makes us second guess and against all odds I want to give her yet another chance. Gee, maybe if I am more patient, more understanding, more compassionate, things will be different (yeah, I don't believe that either). She is now partially incontinent and used to having someone help with pretty much everything. She has started saying sweetly, "I want to come home. I just want to come home." If it weren't for the extra support here, I'd probably just skip town ...(-: Lots of decisions to make ...
But dad was now in care & she was off her nut again because her emotional support was not present & she started biting the aides I would hire because he wasn't there. While he was in Healthsouth I got her in his room under the guise of her couple of past falls & needing to be trained to a walker or wheelchair so she wouldn't injure herself anymore. Remember again they had spent all their life's earnings knowing this was coming so there was no money for care. From healthsouth it wasn't easy because she wouldn't qualify at most NH's for PT which is the 100 days since she was so advanced but we had to go thru 3 medicaid firms before finding one that would work quickly rather than just taking the retainer & stalling so she was covered quicker. We managed since when they approved for medicaid - medicaid covered them retro-actively knowing she had not really qualified for the PT which would have paid for her bed. It all worked out but there was 1 other stint in a NH just for her when we had spent a night at the ER with her after she tried to walk out the door tripping her toes on the threshold as they were going on a walk landing face first on the doorstep. It was a bad night since her face was banged up & I had kept them spent down so when it was time I could do the app. Put her in. They loaded her up with pysches & sleep meds all in the first night w/o a wheelchair. Next AM she got up & pulled the tv over on herself having been injured. I took her home & continued the 1 year care having paid thousands of dollars out of my pocket for her 3 nights in the NH for her injuries. These institutionalizations sound nice & perfect but not all families or estates can provide or cover it so the only option is to move them in with you or move in with them. That is my answer. After seeing what I have seen I should have kept him at home with my assist on community spouse & put her in alone since they got split up once off 100 days out of money reasons at the home anyway. Would have been better for both & me. I would have split them up had I known what I know now.
Here's how it plays out... Parent refuses to move. Kids yield to parent's wishes. Parent abuses kids (calling night and day, expecting them to drop everything to attend to their needs, etc...). Parent falls(or has other health crisis), winds up in hospital and at discharge, kids have 24 hours to find a place for parent to live.
So the parent, who could have chosen an independent living community for themselves and enjoyed companionship and social activity is now going to be transferred to a nursing home chosen by their children from whatever facilities happen to have a bed available.