At what point did you decide that your loved one wouldn't be living at home anymore?

I see a common thread here that many "wait for catastrophe." That's something we see every day in the senior living biz. A family will come in, everyone in agreement that their parent is unsafe at home, but no one willing to force the move.

Here's how it plays out... Parent refuses to move. Kids yield to parent's wishes. Parent abuses kids (calling night and day, expecting them to drop everything to attend to their needs, etc...). Parent falls(or has other health crisis), winds up in hospital and at discharge, kids have 24 hours to find a place for parent to live.

So the parent, who could have chosen an independent living community for themselves and enjoyed companionship and social activity is now going to be transferred to a nursing home chosen by their children from whatever facilities happen to have a bed available.

It would be a long story to tell, but in a nutshell, my mother developed terrible, crippling anxiety that prevented her from using services readily available to her that would have allowed her to stay in her suburban home. She realized after several bouts of extremely high blood pressure and what was the beginning of mild cognitive impairment that she should no longer drive, so I think anything that happened panicked her. If her bp went up, even a bit, it was a crisis. If she had a loose bm, it was a crisis. If we tried to arrange for a cab to take her somewhere, she was in a panic lest the driver get lost. My kind SIL arranged for a limo to take her to visit her sister and she describes the trip as "the worst day of my life" because she was convinced the man didn't know where he was going. We got her doctor to put her on anti anxiety meds, but they didn't really help; she became anxious that she was a "drug addict". We moved her to an AL where another family member had several elders living, but it was at once, too much and too little help. We ended up moving her to an IL facility where she was fairly happy (certainly happier than she had been at home). She was able to walk across the parking lot to her doctor appointments, the doctor gave her his cell phone number so she could reach him any time, there was a geriatric psychiatrist who was able to do a better job of medicating her for anxiety. It was mostly the realization that our having to rush to her side when she panicked was going to kill us long before it killed her.

It took us 7 months of suggestions to get Mom to look at AL. Another two months of indecision and finally they talked her into a one month trial, no strings attached. She loves the place, the people and the staff. This will add years to her life, sitting home alone was slowly killing her. It was killing us too.

A doctor made the decision for us. Both my husband and I worked full time, and Mom was left home alone all day. A doctor treating her for bursitis told me that she could no longer live at home. I called her visiting nurse, found the AL she recommended, and moved her in the next day. It was fast, and the best decision I ever made. There is a lot more to the story, but she lived with me for 25 years. It was time to give me a break.

Dko, be guided by what your mom's personality has always been like. And even then...my mother is by nature sweet and compliant except when she's paranoid and delusional. Strokes and tias often lead to vascular dementia. You ARE allowed to say that you need your mom to be cared for by professionals.

I decided this at least 6 months ago. Sadly, my 83 year old mother, with dementia, is refusing. I'm walking that very blurry line between respecting her wishes by taking over as much as I can, while trying not to enable. In the meantime, as harsh as it is to say, we're waiting for the catastrophic event which will leave her no choice.

When my mother was diagnosed early on with ALZ, he biggest fear was that she would be forced to leave her home. One exhausting night after an argument over nothing, she escaped all my preventative locks and alarms and started wandering the streets. It was January, snowing, she had no coat and was barefoot. I didn't know she was missing until a police officer found her and returned her. She was fine and in great spirits. A neighbor called because she had been trying to get into other people's houses, looking for home. She no longer knew her own home as home, so it no longer mattered. We got her into a ALZ place the next day.

It is not an easy decision to make. My Mother was NOT doing well at home alone after my Father passed away. She was not eating she would lock herself out of the house repeatedly, she could not work the TV!!! Many many things that caused us to be running over to her house many times a day! The basic bottom line was she was lonely. WE moved her to Independent Senior Housing and she really likes it! She has a small but lovely two bedroom apartment with ALL her own things. She gets one meal a day and housekeeping in the dining room with other folks, she also gets housekeeping once a week. I set up her medicine and get her groceries. This has worked well for us. She does seem to really enjoy it. There are activities that she can participate in and yet if she wants to be by herself she can go into her apt and shut the door. Maybe you could find something like it in your area. take care...

There are many health issues that dictate a move is necessary but it's usually a catastrophic event such as a bad fall or stroke that tips the scales. It's impossible to be a sole caregiver 24/7/365.

IsntEasy, I agree that this is usually the way things play out. Unfortunately, this is often the only way to "keep peace in the family". Rather than start a family feud, children wait until a higher authority, like the doctor or hospital social worker makes the call. That way, the ailing parent puts the blame on them, rather than on the child. In the case of my MIL, her daughter, my husband's sister, wanted her mother to stay in her home so that she would have a place to stay during her summer vacations. It took her years to get over being mad, but at least we could put the blame on the social worker.