Yes, my family and I are dealing with my Dad who is 76. He's been drinking heavily for most of his live and now has dementia. This is a heartbreaking and confusing situation. He's a mean drunk and my Mom has left him because he is so mean to her. However, he is so confused and doesn't understand why. He is living with my sister right now and she says he spends his entire day texting and calling my Mom and crying. We are all so heartbroken for him but also understand her decision to not want to live in fear. Help!!!
MinMouse 8, my heart goes out to you. Sadly, all too often dementia accentuates the more negative aspects of a personality -- as has been the case with my husband, 79. I must keep reminding myself what a good man he was before, and what a big heart he still has -- and I get outta the house whenever it gets particularly bad. One of the things that's helped me a lot in recent months is a wonderful article I read somewhere in AgingCare.com about validating the altered reality of dementia sufferers. Since they can't control how they relate to the world, we must find different ways to relate to them, and it ain't easy!!
Hi MinMouse8....sad story for your mom. I just have to say that I'm sooooo happy she got away from your dad. Not sure how long ago she left him...but of course even without having dementia...the grieving process and guilt feelings you dad must be feeling must be enormous! He will have to live thru those terrible feelings...and hopefully will adjust after a year or so. Maybe you can check with his doctor about antidepressants? gooooood luck!
Al Anon was very helpful to me when I was living with an alcoholic for 10 years. It saved my sanity and enable me to get on with my life - without him. A bible-based approach would not have worked for me as I am not a Christian, and find proselytizing offensive.
So - what works for some will not work for others. Try to find what works for you.
Lifeexperiences- Thanks. Life kind of stepped in. Last week mom ended up very sick and thought she had a stroke, allowing us to take her to the ER. Luckily (?) it wasn't that, but a GI bleed that wasn't serious, but her BA level was so high that they admitted her. 5 days later, she has detoxed...my kids and I had to be there 24/7 to help monitor her and keep her in bed. Very rough times. She had no nutrients in her system from never really eating. even with all of this, and after speaking with 3 doctors, several nurses, the social workers, etc. (and my having a complete breakdown and her threatening suicide if they didn't let her go home) The only thing we accomplished was to bring her back home, and have home health come in for a couple of weeks again. As soon as she got home, after all of this, she is furious that there is no alcohol in the house. But, we are sticking to not enabling her anymore, even though she hates us for it right now. Everyone tells me the same thing- it's a catch 22 in many situations like this, and sometimes we just have to step back and realize that no matter how much we care, we are not 'responsible' for them in many regards. I just wish there were clear answers! (I know- asking too much)
aroman1...you're mother is raging...and that too is very normal for alcoholics not getting a drink!! There is a looooong road ahead of you because it will seem like being a dry drunk, as they say, is as bad as being a drunk! It's an incredibly hard mental and physical withdrawal...and can easily last months...even up to a year. If you can get her moving around so that she gets some physical exercise...it will help her nerves. I'd even get her on some type of antidepressants for anxiety! If you can't get to an Alanon meeting...get a book on the subject...I'm sure you will get tremendous help from them! Also, call AA and see if they have a phone # you can call for Alanon issues. I do know one thing for sure...when you are talking with others that have been in your shoes...you will feel a lot better and know what to do to help your mom. Take care...keep in touch!!
Thank you so much, and yes, talking with others is a big help and I appreciate this website so much! the support and information has been a big help and it's such a (sad) relief that I'm not the only one in this boat. It has been a great comfort and I thank you all for the comments and suggestions
So - what works for some will not work for others. Try to find what works for you.