Thank you so much, and yes, talking with others is a big help and I appreciate this website so much! the support and information has been a big help and it's such a (sad) relief that I'm not the only one in this boat. It has been a great comfort and I thank you all for the comments and suggestions
aroman1...you're mother is raging...and that too is very normal for alcoholics not getting a drink!! There is a looooong road ahead of you because it will seem like being a dry drunk, as they say, is as bad as being a drunk! It's an incredibly hard mental and physical withdrawal...and can easily last months...even up to a year. If you can get her moving around so that she gets some physical exercise...it will help her nerves. I'd even get her on some type of antidepressants for anxiety! If you can't get to an Alanon meeting...get a book on the subject...I'm sure you will get tremendous help from them! Also, call AA and see if they have a phone # you can call for Alanon issues. I do know one thing for sure...when you are talking with others that have been in your shoes...you will feel a lot better and know what to do to help your mom. Take care...keep in touch!!
Lifeexperiences- Thanks. Life kind of stepped in. Last week mom ended up very sick and thought she had a stroke, allowing us to take her to the ER. Luckily (?) it wasn't that, but a GI bleed that wasn't serious, but her BA level was so high that they admitted her. 5 days later, she has detoxed...my kids and I had to be there 24/7 to help monitor her and keep her in bed. Very rough times. She had no nutrients in her system from never really eating. even with all of this, and after speaking with 3 doctors, several nurses, the social workers, etc. (and my having a complete breakdown and her threatening suicide if they didn't let her go home) The only thing we accomplished was to bring her back home, and have home health come in for a couple of weeks again. As soon as she got home, after all of this, she is furious that there is no alcohol in the house. But, we are sticking to not enabling her anymore, even though she hates us for it right now. Everyone tells me the same thing- it's a catch 22 in many situations like this, and sometimes we just have to step back and realize that no matter how much we care, we are not 'responsible' for them in many regards. I just wish there were clear answers! (I know- asking too much)
Al Anon was very helpful to me when I was living with an alcoholic for 10 years. It saved my sanity and enable me to get on with my life - without him. A bible-based approach would not have worked for me as I am not a Christian, and find proselytizing offensive.
So - what works for some will not work for others. Try to find what works for you.
Hi MinMouse8....sad story for your mom. I just have to say that I'm sooooo happy she got away from your dad. Not sure how long ago she left him...but of course even without having dementia...the grieving process and guilt feelings you dad must be feeling must be enormous! He will have to live thru those terrible feelings...and hopefully will adjust after a year or so. Maybe you can check with his doctor about antidepressants? gooooood luck!
MinMouse 8, my heart goes out to you. Sadly, all too often dementia accentuates the more negative aspects of a personality -- as has been the case with my husband, 79. I must keep reminding myself what a good man he was before, and what a big heart he still has -- and I get outta the house whenever it gets particularly bad. One of the things that's helped me a lot in recent months is a wonderful article I read somewhere in AgingCare.com about validating the altered reality of dementia sufferers. Since they can't control how they relate to the world, we must find different ways to relate to them, and it ain't easy!!
Yes, my family and I are dealing with my Dad who is 76. He's been drinking heavily for most of his live and now has dementia. This is a heartbreaking and confusing situation. He's a mean drunk and my Mom has left him because he is so mean to her. However, he is so confused and doesn't understand why. He is living with my sister right now and she says he spends his entire day texting and calling my Mom and crying. We are all so heartbroken for him but also understand her decision to not want to live in fear. Help!!!
dear aroman1... the doctor won't put her in a facility for a few days to make sure she doesn't have detox problems? what about aging care centers...no info from therm? if there is no outside source that will detox her...there really is not much you can do. there are different personalities in alcohism. unfortunately the extreme anger, wanted to commit suicide, complaining all the time...is a part of alcholism....it intensifies everything a hundred times...and screws up your thinking so much...you can't come out of that state...unless you can get her away from that alcohol and drugs. It's amazing at 91yrs old she has access to all that stuff. Please keep posting if anything comes up for you! Have you tried going to an Alonon group meeting??? I bet there's a lot of info for you there!!!
dear smcbeth1....if your loved one is not abusive or angry with you...that's all that matters!!! he wants to drink, and he's not hurting anyone...amen...let him drink!!
Although I am all for alcohol support groups, the issue here is dealing with elderly (mostly) parents who also suffer from dementia and other issues. At least in my case, there is no way I would be able to take her to a support group.. If I can't even get her doctors to do much more than warn her of the dangers, she wont admit to the drinking...I cant force her into meetings or rehab.
I've decided I'm not fighting this battle. My DH has lost everything. I'm not taking this away too. He falls sober too. I'm trying to make what life he has bearable. He's never abusive or angry with me. He's almost 75. Let the chips fall where they may. We can't control everything. I just don't have the energy to fight this every night.
Lifeexperiances - Thanks, I did not see where it would do any harm but my niece is a Nurse (NEW) to the profession and if you have read previous posts not the kindest person around, she wants to give her opinion on everything but does not want to lift a finger to help and usually everything I get out of her is extremely negative. I have explained that its maybe a 1/4 glass a night but they want to act like I'm committing a crime or something. It's always nice to have an opinion from others that are going or have gone through something like this, of course if I ever though it would cause harm I would stop immediately and I have even at one time become so worried that I did by the non alchacolic wine which does work well if anyone is in the situation that they need to do something like this, I just did not feel like Mom fit into that category.
We did that and to him it was a social thing and that was it . Unfortunately he is now in a memory care home as it became to hard for me it takes 3 people to get him up
ebdaisy1....you are so right...without some type of heavy emotional support...the craving will always be there. it's so sad and difficult for them esp because he doesn't think he's got a drinking problem. can you get him to an AA meeting? it's amazing what he might hear that he can relate to...and maybe get some comfort there.
My husband is an alcoholic and has dementia . He has not had a drink since the end of June .unfortunatly he is in a wheel chair and can be verbal or physically abusive To this day he keeps asking to go home so he can have. Drink So no matter what they forget the disease of an alcoholic is still there and that's what he wants and probably always will unfortunatly . His demencia was brought on faster because of the alcohol but he refused to admit it That is the sad part no matter what the dr said
Alcohol addiction, while "fun for a season" as my director will tell you, soon becomes your worse nightmare. It will become your crutch. As I have given on this forum before, seek the help of Reformers Unanimous, an addiction support group with meetings held at churches worldwide. If you don't seek help in order to stop your alcohol use, you may perish from alcohol poisoning. Sorry, but that is just the sad facts. We just had a young woman of 45 years old die because she stopped coming to meetings.
Aveno... a glass of wine is actually a good thing for everyone! I seen documentaries of people that have lived to very old ages and many drink a glass of one or have a drink every night with dinner! We all deserve that! Alcoholism is really extreme drinking!!
Your mother's drinking is harmless. It serves to relax. It's normal. I'm pretty sure we're talking about severe alcoholism here. OMG! We'd pray for a few ounces of wine each night.
My Mom likes just a small glass of wine each night, I don't think its bad but maybe I'm wrong so please give me your advice. Mom will have maybe 1/4 glass of wine each night, when I say 1/4 glass its one of those very small wine glasses. She talks to people like she drinks all the time and my sister and niece became very mad at me but that is just not true, the doctor seemed to think that its ok since its such a small amount what are your thoughts on this? She seems to look forward to this at night.
Well, folks, there is also a form of dementia -- called Korsakoff's Psychosis -- that is actually CAUSED by alcohol. It goes hand-in-hand with a serious physical condition called Wernicke's Encephalopathy, and together they are known as Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. My husband has that. Essentially, alcohol causes severe depletion of thiamin (Vitamin B1), resulting in a come-like state, which can be life-threatening and which requires a 5-day hospital stay to reverse. My husband had two serious episodes of Wernicke's about 3 months apart, and in the ensuing 2 years I've managed to keep him straight. The logical remedy for the Wernicke's is alcohol abstinence, but his doctors at the first hospital merely instructed that I give him extra Vita B1 and try to limit his alcohol intake. Unfortunately, that led to the second serious episode, wherein he was treated at a different hospital and I was cautioned that he should not have been drinking AT ALL. While the Wernicke's can be kept at bay with abstinence, the brain damage resulting from Korsakoff's never fully resolves. Just another interesting twist on dementia and alcohol.
I am at my wits end with this as well. My mom is 81, 90%blind, with sun downer type of dementia worsened by alcohol. She did not drink heavily until after my dad passed away 3 years ago. She had been with him since she was 14 and has never been alone. Her frustration with being dependent, her fear of losing what little sight she has left and her loneliness has made her so angry at the entire world that she has driven away all her friends. She refuses to help herself in any way, refuses to discuss outside help or resources, and threatens to kill herself before she will go into assisted living, etc. The big problem is that she can put on a great act in front of the nurses and social worker, doctors, etc. She swears up and down that she only has one drink a night "to help her sleep" We have been lucky that she doesn't fall, or hurt herself. We have talked to several people about the alcoholism and have tried to get her off the stuff, but she goes through withdrawals and switches over to sleeping pills (several). since she cant leave the house or drive, and never goes anywhere (her choice) the alcohol is the lesser of the two evils as we cant get her to stop taking 3-5 pills a night otherwise. We would love to get her off everything, but cant find a way to do it. We have tried the drs, no help. Home health stopped because she "seems" to be eating, drinking, taking her meds and being able to care for herself and is in 'good' health other than memory issues and confusion. I am desperate for a solution because as her only caregiver I am losing my mind! I love her and wish I could fix her life, but I cant and I just wish I could find a way to help her. (She refuses all other medications, antidepressants etc.)
there have been many posts about alcohol and dementia on other posts also. many good answers and they are as varied as the person that has the problem!! Everyone is different and in different stages of dementia! what works for one might not work for the other...but, don't give up...try all suggestions until you find what works for you and your family. ALSO...GO TO ALANON...a wealth of information there!!!
So - what works for some will not work for others. Try to find what works for you.
Unfortunately he is now in a memory care home as it became to hard for me it takes 3 people to get him up
To this day he keeps asking to go home so he can have. Drink
So no matter what they forget the disease of an alcoholic is still there and that's what he wants and probably always will unfortunatly . His demencia was brought on faster because of the alcohol but he refused to admit it
That is the sad part no matter what the dr said
Thank you!