How to deal with grocery shopping issues?

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Hi, I don't know how old your Aunt is or if she is able to get out of the house, but my Mom is 90 years old and still very active. I take her shopping once a week. We go to a couple of different stores for the variety of it. Plus she and I like to taste test wine at 2 of the stores we go too. We also have lunch together as it is a me time with her. My Mom has a little bit of short term memory but still drives (only in her area) to a Senior Center everyday. She eats lunch there and plays cards. Once a month she goes on day trips that the Senior Center offers. You might want to look into a Senior Center near her so she has some time to interact with people her own age. Take her shopping with you so she has the opportunity to get out of the house. She may just be looking for your attention and needs you to give her a hug once in a while or just wants for you to sit and listen to her. When she does complain get her on another subject. Have her tell you a story about when she was a little girl and her mother would take her shopping. Or any story. It sounds like that is all she wants is your attention. It is so easy to get frustrated with the elderly, but you have to put yourself in their shoes and think about why she is frustrated. Remember you will be in her shoes one day and you may end up in the same situation and it will be your relative taking care of you. Going over the lists is a convenience for you not her. I don't live with my Mom, but I know going to her house once or twice a week and taking her to dinner or just going over there to help with her house work and spending some time with her really helps cut down on my Mom's complaining. My Mom also has a dog. Elderly people need pets just as much as a child/adult needs them. Companionship is the key. Also from an earlier post with Coconut Oil. Have her take some twice a day. You will be amazed at the difference you will see in her health as well as her attitude. Usually a tsp in the morning and one at night will help her a lot.

Gospel Girl
Congrats on the successful shopping trip!
Sometimes the stars do align.

I agree with jude...sometimes you gotta lie a little. Online grocrry shopping then telling mom youre going out to shop and giving yourself a much needed break i a good idea. My mom would get insistsnt on one brand or another but as funds were limited i would buy in bulk and place the product in her old usual brand shampoo bottle...she nevrr knew the difference but saving her money and my sanity allowed me to be a better caregiver...versus the rsving lunitic caregiving can make you become.

(Posted too fast again) It wasn't funny, but I did laugh to myself a bit).

Guess what happened today? I went to the store, following many of the suggestions that were given to me earlier. I wondered why Aunty had not called me the whole time. I called her and got no answer, so I figured she was taking a nap. When I got home, she was sitting on the edge of the couch, complaining that I forgot to give her the house phone before I left. (This morning, I had to recharge it because it was dead.) She said that she was trying to get to her cell phone but couldn't reach it.(POA had visited yesterday, and had hid the phone from the 18-month old when he tried to throw it at his brother).

Gospelgirl, just check the "Helpful Answer" at the bottom of each posting - that's essentially the "Like" button and the easiest way to do it.

You can also check the "like" button when the various posts appear in your "News Feed" category in the "My Account section on the upper right hand side of the page.

Too bad we don't have a "Like" option on here for responses! I LOVE these suggestions! !! Thanks everyone!

glasshalffull, oh good glad I am not the only one out there who doesn't plan a week's menu for meals. It's pretty much me opening up the refrigerator door and staring into the refrigerator... opening up the pantry and doing the same.... same with the freezer. And I am still baffled on what to prepare. Bowl of cereal, anyone?

Trying to change an older person's opinion, preference or decision is often a futile game. When I find myself tempted to argue my point, I realize that doing so will not work. Arguing with them can be seen as a sign of disrespect-even if you are right. Stepping outside one's self is a critical skill and one that most people can master.

Grocery shopping is one thing mom still enjoys doing. I give her a list on a post it with 5 or 6 items (spaced throughout the store) and put mom in an electric cart and she is off. Then I have a list which I do with another electric cart (if available) or just pushing the regular one. Not a time saver but mom really enjoys chatting with people, getting others to help her and seeing folks she has not seen in a while.

Mom would really prefer that I make a menu a week a head but I just can't do it...it is not my style but also making the list and then keeping to it is a real problem too. (not a restaurant). I guess she always wants to know what is for dinner because that is a highlight....shopping is the same way...

There are some really good suggestions here for dealing with the grocery list problem. My experience in dealing with seniors who do NOT have dementia has convinced me that trying to change their behavior is not very successful.

I haven't found a way to convince, persuade, or in any way cause the senior to change their ways about anything. There really is no incentive for them to change and they may have a point.

For me, the only thing that works is action. Just do what you are going to do and turn off the complaints. It's doubtful your efforts to satisfy her will work. I don't think she's trying to be difficult, but that's just how people are and when you are in your 70's, why change?

I think I would inform her very nicely that my phone doesn't work well anymore and I can't take calls on it when I leave the house. If there is an emergency while you are gone, she should call 911 or a designated person. Then, I wouldn't take her calls or concern myself with any changes or messages from her during that time.. I would buy the items on the list and if she complains, ignore and go about your business. I might even tell her they don't sell that anymore. You'll have to adjust. I'd be nice, but I wouldn't let it fret me. She'll be fine.

I do agree with some posters upthread who say to treat her. I would try to bring her a nice treat each time. Even if it's something small such as a piece of fruit, ice cream, or candy. I'd try to do something special just to make her feel special. It probably won't stop her complaining though. lol

In the US it's still handled as a disease, meaning billable services to for-profit insurance and for-profit nursing homes and for-profit pharma. The nurses and aids aren't seeing any of this billable for-profit money though. They get paid so little it's obscene.

It's not seen as a social problem that needs a more humane social response. The patient has to fit into the care mold still, but it's better than it was a few decades ago where dementia sufferers were locked up with the insane and chained to their chairs, left in hallways to scream at their demons.

I don't know of any villages that are up & running in the US. The architects who built Hogewey in the Netherlands submitted a proposal to a city in California in 2014.

The group dementia home idea is more available than a planned village. What we pay for my mom's care now could get her into that $7K/month Dutch dementia village.

Mom has gotten more humane person-centered treatment by going on hospice than before. Once you get a diagnosis, you stop being a person and are only the patient in a lot of ways. I believe this is behind a lot of the decision to do home-based care - to humanize the care.

My mom's residence does a lot to simulate home, but it's the same for everyone there. They don't have different environments to mimic what the person was used to. Staff wear scrubs. Everybody eats the same food. It is a great place, but it is not a dementia village.

They do, Sandwich, yes - the place I would have picked for mother's respite care given a free hand had exactly that: a mini grocery store, complete with wire baskets for residents to do their little bits and pieces of shopping, and a proper old fashioned till. They were selling real items, though, quite an imaginative range of the sorts of things that people need - toothpaste, snacks, milk.

But rather than reminiscing, what I meant to say was that I'd be surprised if there aren't US service providers who are equally ahead of the curve. Who are the leading organisations? - it would be worth raising their profile to make the rest catch up a bit.

I resorted to taking pictures of mom's fridge & cabinet contents on my phone, but ultimately it didn't matter. She wouldn't recognize it as hers and disputed that she had any food at all at her place and I'm trying to starve her.

I really wish there was a fake "store" in the retirement campus. Not the gift shop, but a very realistic fake store with a checkout and everything. Mom could have gone down there and shopped to her heart's contentment. She was a huge shopper B.D. (Before Dementia). She shopped to deal with stress, avoid emotions, boredom. Her OCD turned this into hoarding. She would probably still try to hang onto a shopping cart better than a walker or grab bar, if she were mobile anymore.

If the shopper could be given a change purse at the entrance, and allowed to spend what's in it, they could have some freedom and get to feel like they shopped by themselves. There could be attendants who look like store employees. I know some of the European dementia villages do this. It's safe, it's contained, and it takes some of the burden off family members to provide shopping as entertainment.

Here's a couple of ideas that I haven't seen listed, although I love the delivery idea if it works in your area.
Save the grocery receipts. You may have to make a copy of them if the print seems to rub off.
Most people buy the same thing over and over.
The description, when you bought, etc will be on the receipt plus the things she didn't think she would like.
Take a photo with your phone ( if you have that option) of hard to find or confusing items to help you and the grocer find it.
Sometimes when a favorite item is no longer carried, I've found them at dollar stores. ( denture cream, hair product)
Explain ( one time) that phone calls while shopping are stressful and often not timely. If you can, you will call before leaving the store to see if there is anything else. For this to work you will need to make the call. Sort of a under commit, over deliver.
If asked on that call "when you will return" state in a firm but friendly voice. "When I are finished."
If she is resourceful enough to find someone else to do the job, better yet. Give the cousin a heads up that you are trying to set some boundaries and this will allow her to figure out when she will do the shopping or support your efforts. 11 years old is a good age to carry groceries and learn to help mom and great grand and builds a better relationship. If your aunt is hard core, have this conversation with cousin in front of her. She's not going to want to lose your help and it will change the dynamics and energy around this task.
It will help your aunt if you are dependable, firm and consistent and not easily swayed to deviate from the plan. There is less anxiety for you both. As someone once said, " We teach people how to treat us. "

I am surprised you still live with aunty. POA cousin should be handling aunty's needs, that is what a POA is for

I would tell her that once you are on the way to shop, there will be no items added. That just adds to the stress. I told my parents that if they did not put all appointments on the calendar that they would have to get someone else to take them. I have hired a shopper to help me - not dealing with so much exhaustion is worth paying a little to someone else. I often will show her the actual products that I kept, and didn't throw away. I have taken photos and printed them out, or write a note about where I bought the item ( like - top row near the spaghetti sauce) This wouldn't completely solve the problems but will make your life easier. The shopper has told me that the clerks putting up groceries have been very helpful when looking for items.
Back when I was in college, during a snow storm, I went out and got my elderly neighbor's groceries. I did not get a thank you, but rather.... 'oh, I usually get BROWN bread...I always get the BEEF FLavor... etc. That was very annoying, since I felt that I was doing her a favor!

There is so little that someone of Aunty's age has control over. Try to ignore her comments and complaints, although I know it's hard. Just recognize the fact that we all want to be in control of something in our lives, no matter how trivial or inconsequential to others, like what brand of dish soap to use. Give yourself a big hug and hang in there. :)

We have experienced the same issue with my mil when they needed us to stay with them to help out. God forbid we ran into traffic or decided to pop into a store to pick up something we had forgot from back home, she would always call every half hour to check up on us. How long will you be? What store are you at? We even spilt the list in half while shopping to save time and for what to get back home quicker to watch Gunsmoke or Seinfield for the millionth time.
As soon as the garage door shut the door would fly open and the same ole that took you along time we be thrown in our face. Then the judging of each item as it came out of the bag would start, the lunchmeat was cut to thick, and I always get paper between the cheese, or I don't buy that size. And I was ready to be sent to the bedroom if something was out of stock.
All I know is I needed a large glass of wine after each time we had to run to the store and the groceries were put away.
I dreaded my last trip out there knowing I would be by myself when she broke her hip, believe me it was worse, but I had a system by then. A back up box of wine hidden in my bedroom to help soothe my
nerves...lol I'd leave it in the car when I brought in the groceries and move it to my hiding spot, and when she was sleeping I would sneak to the garage and grab it and hide it in my bedroom buried under blackets, and when it was empty I bury it in the recycle can. My inlaws got a chuckle out of that, and wondered why I didn't go for the hard stuff.

Before I left I had mom signed up for a delivery service at the local store and she would call in the order and have it delivered for a small fee. Believe me we still heard the same complaints on how everything was wrong when we would call her each Sunday.
Thankfully we don't have to do her shopping anymore, we delegated moms errand running to her hired caregivers now, but we still hear about how everythings wrong.
Believe me I am still drinking my wine, but for different reasons.

Oh, Mercy, Nom! You need to get some help in there, fast! It must be awful trying to live like that. As much as I complain, at least my mum is not as demanding as that! Bless you and I hope you find a solution soon so you can have some peace!

No, Jude(an unpronounceable alphanumerical thing. ) it isn't. It was mine, though. I ,I've in a place with no public transport, and nothing is walkable. She won't let me out of her sight. I cannot go to the bathroom alone. She won't let me use a computer at all, so it's like living in H*ll. I like to walk, and she insists that I "come right back." Listen, Old Lady, my walk is the only respite I get from you.

So grocery shopping was my only pleasure. I actually got to ride in a car! And go further than a mile! YAY! However, it was such an arduous process that it took a whole week to plan it, and that was just for the basics. Right then, she had fallen down the stairs and broken both hips. Nonetheless, I do the whole shopping trip in exactly 20 minutes, I must be a tornado, because she will wait for me to leave the house, and then go up the stairs like a mischievous child.

The rest of the time, it's demanded that I sit there with her, don't touch the computer, and watch endless old detective shows while discussing how stupid the woman's shoes are. Then I cannot have a bath in peace or check my email at thee do of the day. I am ready to scream.

So yes, any chance out if the. House, even for twenty fast minutes is like, the Best Day In The World.

She's threatening to let someone else do this task? What's up with that? How is that a threat? Does she think it's a treat to do her shopping?

I m would say "fine Auntie, whatever you think is best" and leave it at that. I would work on two or three stock phrases like that to say to her when she's trying to pick a fight and gain control.

I would just let her complain, as it is harmless. Sometimes our elders can't help but have knee-jerk reactions, and they don't take what they are saying as seriously as others might take them. Let it breeze by and talk about as many positive things as you can. And do something for you, if you can, without feeling guilty. (I should not give this advice as I've yet to find time to shop for a new pair of jeans)

Here's something I have noticed over the years. It doesn't matter who is shopping for whom, it could be parent for kids, husband for wife, etc. The shopper invariably can't find, forgets, or picks up something wrong. The shoppee expresses their disappointment that something is missing or wrong. Only a very mature and appreciative person can seem to avoid pointing out disappointments. I have been on both ends as a shopper and a shoppee and I must admit that as a shoppee I have not always suffered my disappointment quietly even though I know what it is like to be the shopper.

One way I have found though to make my return home as a shopper a little happier is to pick up one or more items that they especially like, but didn't think to ask for, as a surprise. It helps make up for anything I invariably miss or get wrong and everyone seems to be in a better mood.

Gospelgirl223: In regard to grocery shopping, I would ask my MOTHER whom I had to live with out of state, "what decade was this?"-in reference to an item now being carried in the store in 2015?

p.s. I forgot to mention that Dollar General's online ordering currently includes free shipping on orders of $40 or more and various discounts/coupons.

Dollar General has an easy online ordering feature. We now have all our incontinence products, TP, and towel paper DELIVERED to our front door once every two months. It is saving us money as well as lugging all that stuff home--so not fun in the wintertime. A number of other Dollar General grocery store products can be ordered this way.

You may be able to get your aunt on board by printing out the prices and showing her how much $ you're saving.

Your aunt is attempting to manipulate you by playing you off against her granddaughter.

I would in fact tell her to do whatever she wants, and also provide her with a list of home delivery grocery stores so she has 2 options from which to choose. She'll be surprised that you threw her manipulative attempt right back at her.

Aunty has threatened to give the grocery shopping job to her granddaughter (POA cousin) , but I don't want to put more pressure on her b/c she has the 18-months-old and the 11-year old to worry about as well as her job. But then again I'm tempted to call her bluff and say go right ahead and do whatever you want.