How to deal with grocery shopping issues?

Gospelgirl, I know what you are going through. What I did over a year ago was start using an on-line grocery service where I order on-line and I can either pick-up the already packed items or the groceries can be delivered to my parents house. I think it works great :) Is Aunty computer savy or she could look over your shoulder while you place the order.

Of course my Mom will grumble if I order something that has new packaging... "that's not the item I wanted".... "yes it is, same stuff, new packaging".... "the product code is different" [Mom knows her scanner product codes].... "yes, new packaging, new product code". Then later in the week I will hear "it tasted funny".... [rolling eyes].

The other day my Dad mentioned that Mom [97] and I [69]should go back to how we use to shop, me driving Mom to the store and we shop together. EKKKKKKK. That's not happening. That ship sailed a year ago.

Plus I am grounded do to my own age decline where I fell and got injured. Can't drive or shop with a broken shoulder :P But I can use a computer !!

Gospelgirl, good news, I saw on your profile where you live and the on-line grocery service Peapod services the Giant grocery stores in your area. Home delivery is around $10 but I bet that is cheaper than using a taxi. Check it out :)
You need to order $60 worth of groceries each time.... if that's too much, then you can order once every two weeks. The home delivery will bring in the groceries into the house.

I go through something similar, but it isn't until I get back home that my mother will say anything. Quite often I'll have to go back to the store to get something she needs. Fortunately, she understands when a brand she wants isn't available. I'll tell her I'll pick it up the next time I see it and all is well. I try not to react to her when it comes to groceries. She doesn't want to go with me and has a hard time when she does, so I just do the best I can. We haven't starved yet, so I guess I've done okay. Maybe you can tell your aunt the same thing if it won't make her angry.

I feel your pain! I live 15 miles from the nearest grocery. When I was still caring for my father in his home, he would ONLY shop at a certain store 35 miles away. We would make a list. If I snuck something in his cart that I thought he really needed (like cleaning supplies) he would throw a FIT. If the grocery totalled more than $40 he would throw a FIT. Then, the next day, he would insist that we drive the 35 miles again because he forgot oranges. argh

Sounds like you got great advice and the online grocer thing is a good idea. I also think that Kroger based grocers also offer this service.

Gospelgirl, I agree that the online grocery shopping is a great idea. However, is that yield spent shopping also your "respite" from Auntie? If you decide to do online shopping, please make sure you get out once in a while for a scheduled break. Tell Auntie how long you'll be gone for AND DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE!

Gospelgirl, I remember you. The people on this site were wrong if they made you feel you were looking for sympathy. I would use a small local market for deliveries. Had the food mostly prepared, so it would make things easier. Glad you're back!!!

Schwan's is a specialty retailer that also delivers. My sister used to order from them; their food was good but it's not quite the same as getting fresh produce if that's on your list. I don't know whether there were any delivery fees involved.

Instead of an expensive taxi, check to see if there are any senior transport services in the area. Some transit companies offer door to door service for much less than a taxi.

Like many elders, your aunt probably doesn't remember everything she needs or wants or make lists. It happens. Just tell her sweetly that it's an opportunity to come back again and help her out. Perhaps she just wants attention - that's not unusual for an older person.

The longer term concept is twofold:

(1) Keep your shopping lists, create a database in Excel of what she buys and the frequency. Add it to a checklist and ask her when you create your lists for that week if she needs any of those items.

(2) Check her frig, cupboards and wherever else she stores food to see if anything's low, then be proactive and confirm with her that she needs it, then add it to the list.

Local markets are great ideas to help support the community. Transit and delivery times are less; the delivery cost might even be significantly less than a taxi fare, plus there wouldn't be the time spent and you could spend it visiting your aunt instead.

There's also the possibility of Meals on Wheels. There are a variety of dishes; obviously not everyone is going to like some of the meals, but at $3 per meal in our area, it's cheaper than taxi fare and a comparable amount of groceries. In addition, there's the obvious value of companionship as the volunteers are friendly people, like seniors, and seem to provide a treat for homebound elders.

This would significantly lessen your grocery shopping obligations.

Gospelgirl, when I'm helping someone out of the goodness of my heart, and they complain, I always offer to let them do it themselves. Including the time I was taking a friend for a post-surgical appointment and she complained I was driving too slow. (In a strange car (hers) in a strange city (also hers), I wasn't about to make any daring moves, even if other drivers were getting impatient with my caution). I offered to pull over and let her drive the car, even with her recently operated shoulder surgery. She declined, not surprisingly.

I was always taught that beggars can't afford to be choosers, and that applies to the needy elders as well. I don't think you would be out of line to tell your Aunt: "If you're not satisfied with my grocery shopping, I won't mind if you get someone else to do it."

You can comfort yourself that not only are you getting your aunt's groceries for her, which is Good Deed 1, but also you are giving her a really juicy bone to pick which clearly is giving her some kind of satisfaction: Good Deed 2. Some people enjoy complaining, no matter how counterproductive it is.

Of course, you could also say to her that if she knows of a better personal shopper she is welcome to use that person for her grocery services; but something tells me you are too kind for that. Do at some point get round to reminding her, though, that being constantly distracted by phone calls and put under pressure to hurry is not conducive to efficient marketing. I.e., if she would only back off a bit you might be able to do a better job. But I wouldn't put any money on her actually paying attention to this fairly obvious point.

Shoulder rubs to you. This caregiving business does try the patience.

Love the advice of suggesting Auntie find another shopper! You can always "forget" to turn the phone ringer on. I know I have to do that sometimes, as I am not one of those who can ignore a ringing phone.

GardenArtist, yes the pre-printed grocery list. I have that for my parents, two columns typed out of what they normally order within a month, xerox a couple dozen and hand them to my parents to fill out.... the items are set up by where the items are within the store, made it easy back when my Mom would check off what she needed as she had also memorized the story store layout.

Now that Dad is going the grocery list because Mom's eyesight is so bad, the list is a bit of a mess. He never paid any attention to where stuff was in any store except Home Depot :P

Peapod on-line warehouse layout is different... don't have the energy to learn that one.

When my sig other and I delivery the groceries, I will take a quick scan mentally of what Mom has in the freezer, refrig, and the cereal cabinet. I see that Dad has 6 boxes of Raisin Bran so no more even if he circles it on the list. And Mom has 4 cartons of ice cream, ok, scratch that for the next couple of weeks.

This is so hard trying to keep up supplies for TWO households. Dad waits until he gets the very last drop of toothpaste before he orders a new tube.... [sigh].

FF, you're more organized than I am. I'll have to try that preprinted list idea - I like it!

Sounds like your mother is well organized as well - knowing the layout of the store.

Since Dad began Meals on Wheels, there hasn't been as much spontaneous grocery shopping, so that's made it a lot easier.

I'm going to be facing this problem soon. I'm long distance from my parents, Dad is still driving to Krogers and manages to get most of the stuff on Moms list, but his driving days will be ending soon.

I appreciate FFs suggestion about on line shopping. I may start using that in the future. I know your frustration. My Dad will only eat my Moms cooking, such as it is, and even that is not good enough anymore. His dementia is screwing up his taste. No matter what I buy or cook, or micro, it's just not quite right.

I just tune him out. He still eats enough to stay healthy and I'm not going to argue if he doesn't like my pot roast. I think you should do the same with Aunty. She probably has no idea how good she has it with you taking care of her. Don't fight with her but don't let her make you her punching bag. Go to the store, turn off the phone, go home, put the groceries away and ignore her BS. You know, we know, and the guy up if heaven knows how hard you work to keep her safe and healthy. Don't let her get to you.

Windy, since I am grounded and can't drive for awhile, my Dad forgot and said that I could drive him and Mom to the grocery store and leave them off... then come back in a hour to pick them up.

Yeah right, after an hour I will find them in Aisle 5 with 20 more aisles to go :P

Windy, your father could probably get Meals on Wheels when (if?) he stops driving, but it does seem as though that might not be very pleasing to him. Still, it would be easier on your mother.

Windy, absolutely "His dementia is screwing up his taste." Damage in the brain can cause malfunctions ANYWHERE in the body, and taste perceptions commonly get screwed up. You are wise not to take this personally!

I used a grocery deliver service while we had 4 kids at home and I had a full time job. Awesome! I highly recommend it (unless you are one of those shop-till-ya-drop people who loves wandering aisles.)

Gospelgirl223 I can kind of sympathize with Aunty. I suspect that what she is complaining about is "this is one more area of my life where I've lost control! I wish I could push a cart down that aisle and see what the choices really are! I wish I could be independent again."

Aunty's comments to you are very rude. I suspect she is losing some of her social filters, and I'd cut her some slack. Don't Take it Personally! As Windy says, ignore her BS. Or agree with her. "Yes, it is really disgusting how often these manufacturers change their packaging! It was hard to even find this!" If she needs some way to express her dissatisfaction with her limitations, feel free to join in.

Your situation is special, and it is understandble that you would need support in a kind way. Let me explain: When I was teen and depressed from living with what I now know was a mean, narccisstic mother, the scool counselor told me: "I can't help you get out from under your mother's rule, but I can teach you to cope."
When circumstances such as living situation/housing, finances, job, and family obligations prevent you from breaking free, or taking advice to help yourself in a constructive way, then you will need help to cope through this. It is very good that you were persistent enough to ask us for what you need, in spite of past criticisms. In the future, if you feel the answers are not for you, do what people in the twelve step programs do: 1) take what you want, leave the rest. 2) keep coming back, it works.
It appears that you are walking on eggshells, and cannot do anything right. No one can live under your aunt's unrealistic demands and not get some kind of shellshock after an extended time. No one! I would be amazed if you weren't constantly shaking while waiting for her next tirade to belittle you.
If you keep coming to this thread you just posted about shopping, people will read this and be able to offer better advice without you sharing too many details or being put on the defensive. I'm just guessing, but you might be so very tired of explaining and being judged, found lacking by others.
Your aunt may be afraid to be alone. If you can go shopping when someone is there, that would help, then, you could first follow the advice about not answering the cell phone. Let her leave messages that you can show her family. If you get really courageous, look her in the eye on your way out the door, tell her not to call, and place your cell phone in front of her. (Always making sure she has someone else to call, of course.) Tell her when you will be home. This may sound mean, as a tactic to reclaim your boundaries, only you will know. But, dear girl, you need to survive this caregiving role and you don't deserve to be beat up. It is perfectly normal to need help. Please check back often, let your friends here know if something has worked, or just to ask more questions. We've got your back!
Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Be sure to buy chocolate, or have it delivered, that too was a good suggestion, I thought. Delivery and chocolate has helped me in the past. People can even order greens/fruits/vegetables online. Take care.
The abuse from your aunt is not true, none of what she says is the truth. Do not believe those lies.

To summarize, the above post was for gospelgirl. She needs people to be kind, in a supportive way, and less confrontational. She is struggling with personal issues and some of her own physical issues. Anybody forced to do shopping in a taxi, worry about getting home in time, and it was just too much for you? Keep offering suggestions for her, please. Plus, using the aunt's finances and reporting back is also a stressor. Do I have this right, gospelgirl, you are sincere in asking for help!

Trader Joe's is a smaller store, less stress, reasonably priced. Do you have one nearby?

Ah....Meals on wheels...how I would like my parents to get MEALS ON WHEELS!
First, they won't even discuss it, and when I checked into it, thinking I'd just sign them up amy d*mn how, there's a huge waiting list, funding cut, all that crap in WV. Thanks for the replies, but where is gospel girl? Are you out there?

She is probably at the grocery store ... again ... because Auntie forgot something or didn't like something or whatever. Poor thing......

THE SHOPPING SCHEDULE:
Make a plan to go the next day for a shorter time to pick up what was missed.

Buy supplies, cleaning supplies, and T.P. one trip, buy just food next trip.

Go more often, take more taxi's, have the taxi-driver put the groceries away, then come back and pick you up, after your hair appointment.

Taxi is at the aunt's expense, please. It's going to cost her more if she's mean.

Windyridge, don't worry, gospelgirl will check back this time. Sunday is church. Standby, she needs our help.
We are here, we've got her on our minds.

Sendme2help, organic food? I tried that with my Mom, she scrunched up her face like I was asking her to eat worms. I had to explain that eating organic was the same as when she was growing up on the family farm. I guess it was the word "organic" that scared her off, nothing knowing what it was.

Anywho, we have a Whole Food Market a bit down the road, and I bought my parents some ground beef for hamburgers to try out.... they loved it, now my parents won't eat any other hamburger except organic :)

Can I just say shopping for food is NOT respite not in any way shape or form. I know it was said in humour but I would hate for anyone to ever think it was respite and I have heard it said a lot over here in the UK..... Usually something like the only respite I get is when I go for the groceries - NO NO NO NO NO that is time away from your loved one but you are thinking of them them or in Gospel's case , being hassled by them the whole time. You don't browse any more because you know there is a limit to how long you dare risk being away from them, so you do a supermarket dash grabbing things as you go, is it any wonder we don't end up with everything we intended to.

Time to fess up I think. I on line shop for the most part - it is much more expensive than going shopping the way I used to but it is done in a one at a time that suits me. I book an afternoon delivery always or an evening one with very good reason. Then I lie (yeah yeah OK tell me you have never told a lie) Mum still thinks I go and do the shopping and thatchy then deliver it - I don't care if that's wrong I get 2 hours tops to myself to go and have a coffee/to find a present for Mums birthday (sic) to have my hair cut to shoot the breeze with a friend face to face rather than on the phone.

I know lying is wrong but heavens if it gets me some well deserved break then I will continue to lie - it's only once a fortnight so its not like I got out every day (I wish)

that they not thatchy^

Gospelgirl, I found these special transit services provided by Maryland.

Generally these kind of services are much, much cheaper than a taxi service, and the drivers provide assistance as well, such as helping bring the groceries up to the house (at least they do in my area). Many of these buses are lift equipped, so drivers are accustomed to assisting passengers if necessary.

http://mhcc.maryland.gov/consumerinfo/longtermcare/TransportationAssistance.aspx

You might also check with the local transit agency to see if they have door to door pickup. It's only $1 in our area and might be very helpful for you - it's almost like a personal taxi but a lot cheaper! It could be called Dial-A-Ride, Small Bus, or Connector Service. Different transit authorities have different descriptions.

I think it would be just so much easier, convenient and cheaper than a regular taxi, although it would be for a one destination ride, such as to the grocery store and return only.


Windy, MOW was also rejected until a visiting home care nurse made it clear that it wasn't an option! Sometimes elders listen to medical people before they'll listen to their adult children. Or they might even listen to neighbors before their adult children.

I didn't abandon you guys....my phone battery died.

Hi!